Time to confess

October 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

Dear Friends:

I have been living with a terrible secret these last years, and through the help of a good friend I have realized that it is time to go public with what I can only describe as a nightmarish addiction. Perhaps by doing so I can help even one person avoid what has been a living hell for me. Below is the short questionnaire sent by my friend. I have answered it honestly–and hopefully the truth is going to set me free.

Answer YES or NO to the following questions.

1. Do you lose time from work due to cycling?
YES x NO __

2. Is cycling making your home life [more] unhappy?
YES x NO __

3. Do you cycle because you are shy with other people?
YES __ NO x

4. Is your cycling affecting your reputation? [This is a hard call, because it wasn’t exactly stellar to begin with.]
YES x NO __

5. Have you ever felt remorse after cycling?
YES x NO __

6. Have you ever got into financial difficulties as a result of cycling?
YES x NO __

7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when cycling? [Is there any other kind?]
YES x NO __

8. Does your cycling make you careless of your family’s welfare?
YES x NO __

9. Has your ambition decreased since cycling?
YES x NO __ [Although my cycling ambitions have increased.]
10. Do you throw up after excessive cycling?
YES x NO __

11. Do you want a cycle first thing in the morning?
YES x NO __

12. Does cycling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
YES __ NO x

13. Has your sex drive decreased since cycling?
YES x NO __

14. Is cycling jeopardizing your job or business?
YES x NO __

15. Do you cycle to escape from worries or trouble?
YES x NO __

16. Do you cycle at home when you’re alone?
YES x NO __

17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of cycling?
YES x NO __ [The details of that crash last week are pretty murky.]

18. Has your physician ever treated you for cycling?
YES x NO __

19. Do you cycle to compensate for a physical or emotional deficiency?
YES x NO __

20. Have you ever been to a hospital or institution because of cycling?
YES x NO __

What’s your score? 18

If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be a cycloholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are a cycloholic.

If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely a cycloholic.

If you have answered YES to more than 10 questions you are hopelessly fucked. Keep at it, loser, you’re beyond the reach of modern medicine. And forget the 12 Steps. You need more like a million.

(The test questions are used at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Baltimore, MD, in deciding whether or not a patient is cycloholic. “Cycloholism is a primary, chronic disease with genetic, psychosocial, and environmental factors influencing its development and manifestations. The disease is often progressive and fatal. It is characterized by continuous or periodic: impaired control over cycling, preoccupation with the drug cycling, use of cycling despite adverse consequences, and distortions in thinking, most notably denial.”)

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