Aeronautics engineer praises new traffic calming measure in PVE

November 14, 2011 § 2 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

I saw your defamatory, abusive, hateful, and offensive report on the traffic commission meeting held last week at PV Estates. People like you are the problem, and the only realistic solution is a bullet in the head at close range. I have worked as a design engineer for 45 years on some of the most difficult and complex problems in the history of aeronautics and rocketry. Although I have a home in Minnesota, I lease a home in RPV and cycle there six times a week. For all of your silly bravado, I’ve never seen you or heard of you before I came across this disgusting blog. As an aside, your post about “Cycling and Blowjobs” was one of the filthiest things I’ve ever read. You are clearly sick, have anger management issues, and need professional help.

Although it’s tempting to dismiss your ugly and illiterate rant as the ravings of a madman, it’s a fact that traffic in PVE needs to be calmed, and your shrill screams divert attention from a real and serious problem: bicycles. This past Saturday the infamous “Donut Ride” was charging hell-for-leather down Paseo del Mar at a dangerous and reckless speed estimated to be as high as 30mph. One of the city’s highly trained and expert patrolmen decided to pass this group of rabblerousers by swerving hard to the right, slamming on his brakes, and doing a 180-degree spinaround a few feet in front of the pack, just like he’d learned from watching Adam-12 reruns.

One of your foolish lawbreakers smacked into his cruiser, and another barely escaped injury, or better yet, death. The entire pack came to a complete halt, while backup support was called and the incident was thoroughly investigated so that the appropriate criminal charges can be levied against these uncalm abusers of PVE’s tranquility. This patrolman’s maneuver is the best way to calm traffic in PVE. And it works.

Informingly,
Loopy Lickspittle

Dear Loopy:

Wow. Thanks for sharing.

Thankfully,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

I saw your silly, completely useless, and downright degrading “review” on cycling glasses. Frauds like you are the problem, and the only realistic solution is a firing squad. I have worked as a neurosurgeon and particle physicist for 45 years, and headed the team that transplanted the entire brain of a PVE motorist into the head of an ant. Although I have a home in Minnesota, I lease a home in RPV and cycle there six times a week. For all of your inanity, I’ve never seen you or heard of you before I came across this despicable blog. As an aside, your post about “Cycling and Blowjobs” was one of the most outrageous and inappropriate things I’ve ever read.

One of the people who wasted a few precious seconds of his life responding to your drivel, a Mr. Dwayne Bairins, is to be commended for his level-headed and honest approach to dealing with your calumnies and specious arguments. If more such thoughtful people would challenge dolts like you, the world would be a better, safer, happier place. You are clearly sick, have anger management issues, and need professional help.

Supportively,
Bwayne Dairins

Dear Bwayne:

I’m still waiting to find out where Mr. Bairins attends his 6x weekly ride so that I can show up in my color-coordinated lycra outfit and holler “fuck,” “stupid,” “dumbass,” and “moron” a few times.

Coordinatedly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

I saw your inaccurate, fawning, infantile, and downright obnoxious post on the supposedly “outstanding performances” of local bike racers. People like you are the problem, and the only realistic solution is a life sentence in solitary. I have worked as a securities lawyer for 45 years, and have handled some of the most complex and challenging litigation in the history of our courts. Although I have a home in Minnesota, I lease a home in RPV and cycle there six times a week. For all of your pointless blather, I’ve never seen you or heard of you before I came across this embarrassment of a blog. As an aside, your post about “Cycling and Blowjobs” was one of the most pornographic things I’ve ever read.

You should be advised that the people who are supposedly deserving of commendation for their cycling exploits are what the rest of the world calls “wankers.” Check the dictionary on that one. You’ll be surprised at how aptly it fits you and your ilk. You are clearly sick, have anger management issues, and need professional help.

Etymologically,
Scoopy Skuzznacker

Dear Scoopy:

I’m starting to think that you, Loopy, Bwayne, and Dwayne might be related. Just a hunch.

Detectively,
Wankmeister

§ 2 Responses to Aeronautics engineer praises new traffic calming measure in PVE

  • Joe Yule says:

    Righteous. Nice words Wank.

    The next big car chase, featured via helicopter on the local evening news — the one with ten cop cars tailing some ass-wipe going 85 miles an hour through the neighborhood streets of LA, nearly killing hundreds… and endangering even more. Fans are going to be shocked when the lead squad car zooms by the asshole and hooks a hard right in front of the em. SLAM!

    It’s good to see the PV police department setting the standard on how to stop criminals endangering the public. Even if it’s a bunch of skinny, bald-legged nerds in their underwear.

    To Serve and Protect.

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