Wankmeister cycling clinic #7: Help for your gonads

April 3, 2012 § 6 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

I’m in my second full season as a Cat 4 here in SoCal, and things have been going really well. Top 10 at Ontario, made the break last weekend at the Torrance crit, and I’m finally confident enough to say I’ve “figured out” bike racing. It’s taken me a long time, though!!! I guess like my pap always said, “Son, you sure aren’t the sharpest tool in the shed.” But anyhoo, now that I’ve got a handle on it and training, my wife is clamoring for me to get a vasectomy. I’ve done some Internet research and so I understand like, what it’s all about, but I can’t really find anything on how vasectomies might affect bike racing, or actually, what I’m more concerned about, is training. I’m a pretty high volume guy and that’s pretty much the reason I’ve made such a big mark on the cycling scene (just a li’l bragging, but if you can do it, it ain’t bragging, right, WankY!!) and it would be a big wrench in the derailleur for something like this to sideline me for the better part of the season. News or views? Thanks!

Nuttily,
Donnie Deferens

Dear Donnie:

It’s not often that people ask me about the care and feeding of their testicles, but I’m glad you’ve put aside the public humiliation and ridicule sure to ensue once I post your email and real name in order to get answers to these very important questions. However, the easiest way to approach this is to understand that, whether you’re a bike racer or not (and as a second year Cat 4 you’re definitely “not”), you should never, ever get a vasectomy.

The Reasons You Should Never Ever Get a Vasectomy Or Even Think About It For A Nanosecond Not Even If You’re Promised All The Pussy In Hello Kittyland

1. They cut open your balls.

2. After #1 above, it should be over for any rational adult male. But there’s more.

3. It’s a semi-public EMBARRASSING procedure, with people kind of milling around, nurses and shit, casually paying attention while they saw open your nutsack with a rusty file.

4. The Latin root of the word “vasectomy” means “nutless dude who sings high-pitched songs for the king.”

5. You will never, ever, ever, ever, ever get even one extra throw as a result. Why? Because your balls have nothing to do with her headache.

6. If the world is attacked by alien mutants who kill all the men except you with a special death ray thingy, leaving millions of women needing fertilization in order to repopulate the human race, once you’ve had a vasectomy the human race will die out. And it will be all your fault.

7. Swollen balls. This one dude I know got the snip and his nuts swelled up like Valencia oranges. I suppose it kind of fills out your Speedo, but according to this guy it hurt like hell and was like having a pair of tits in your shorts, i.e. very hard to cross your legs without damaging the produce.

8. Other shit that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Okay, maybe your worst enemy. Such as? Such as:

Adrenal gland dysfunction
Atheosclerosis (hardening of the arteries leading to heart disease)
Autoimmune orchitis (degeneration of testicular tissues due to antibody action)
Chronic inflammation including the formation of sperm granulomas
Chronic testicular pain (Post-Vasectomy Pain Syndrome)
Circulatory problems including phlebitis
Congestive and infectious epididymitis
Decreased testicular function including changes in testosterone production
Diabetes
Erectile dysfunction/impotence
Gangrene of the scrotum and other serious infections
Generalized lymph node enlargement
Hypoglycemia
Life-long autoimmune (allergic) responses
Liver dysfunction
Loss of libido
Lung cancer
Lupus
Migraine and other related headaches
Multiple myeloma
Multiple sclerosis
Narcolepsy
Neuropathy (nerve pain and damage)
Non-Hodgkins lymphoma
Personality disturbances
Prostate cancer
Prostatitis
Pulmonary embolism
Rheumatoid arthritis
Scrotal and epididymal cyst formation including Spermatocele and Hydrocele cysts
Staph infections including infections of the heart valves
Testicular atrophy (shrinking of the testicles)
Testicular cancer
Urolithiasis (kidney stones).
Vasitis nodosa (chronic inflammation of the vas deferens)

Hope this helps.

Surgically,
Wankmeister

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§ 6 Responses to Wankmeister cycling clinic #7: Help for your gonads

  • Kelly says:

    A vasectomy provides three major benefits to a man: (1) you will NOT have any (or any more) children, (2) you will NOT be successfully sued in a paternity suit, and (3) if condoms are your preferred method of birth control, those things can be tossed away or made into balloons for the neighbor’s kids (provided STD’s aren’t an issue……).

    And, the doctors don’t cut your nutsack, the recovery time is about 12-24 hours (unless you are a pussy), and it’s a pretty easy procedure. You still spray your DNA when having sex, though it’s seedless; you know, like seedless grapes. And, in the event that you care about your significant other, it’s a less invasive procedure than a hysterectomy.

    I would agree with one thing: the doctors and nurses laughing at your exposed junk. I kept trying to tell them that it was really cold in the operating room, but they just rolled their eyes…..

    • Donut says:

      #1 is not a benefit. Who cares how many kids you have? WM’s never met the Deadbeat Dad State Collection Service that’s as quick as a U-Haul. #2 is not a benefit (see previous explanation re: #1). #3 is definitely not a benefit, as WM tends to toss them anyway.

  • Usta Befit says:

    I can add that if you’ve ever had any issues with bacterial or inflammatory Prostatitis a vasectomy is a bad idea…..bacteria in a sealed tube is not good….swollen epididymis & months of antibiotics….on the other hand that stuff doesn’t hurt as bad as having an unwanted pregnancy I suppose….

    • Donut says:

      The current Republican presidential position is as follows: 1) contraception is wrong 2) children, in any number and the result of any union at any time in the life of a woman, are highly desired 3) once the children are born they can be raised in poverty and shot to death in Florida for wearing hoodies.

      So don’t talk to us about “unwanted pregnancies.”

  • When I look at the list of diseases that may result from a vasectomy I can’t help but think you’ve been watching Dr House too much… Really, Lupus ;-)

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