Foundational excusifying

May 31, 2012 § 29 Comments

The state road race championship is on Sunday, so now’s the time to begin properly building your foundation for excuses as to why you got dropped and quit. Don’t wait ’til race day to trot out your lame reason for imploding before the race got hard. Begin today with a series of well-placed and well-timed comments to let everyone know that except for * and *, or * and *, you would be standing on the top step.

1. Illness. “I’ve had something in my chest the last couple of weeks that I can’t shake. Gonna give it my best shot, but my power’s down 30-40w. That’s the margin of victory.”

2. Weather. “Fuckin’ Bakersfield. It’s too hot there to race. We prepare the whole year in reasonable temperatures, and then they do the biggest race of the year in a fuckin’ sauna. That’s bullshit. I’m just not good in the heat.” [Be ready to steer quickly away from questions about why you didn’t do the states race in NorCal.]

3. Gear. “I’m just not adapted to this new Specialized Wankster. The seat tube angle is a little off, fucks up my body geometry when I climb.” [Don’t mention that you still have your old frame which was such a “perfect” fit that you got dropped on lap one of Punchbowl, etc.]

4. Nutrition. “I ran out of the Uber-Goo Triple Espresso with Spirochetes. They’re on back order. There’s no way I can do well in a hot race without that stuff. The spirochetes are the bomb.”

5. Hydration. “I can’t get anyone to give me hand-ups. The deck’s stacked against you in that race without hand-ups.”

6. Low quality help. “I’ve got someone for hand-ups, but he/she sucks at it. If I miss my hand-up I’m done.”

7. Training cycles. “Fuck! I peaked last Thursday! 450w FTP! Now I can barely get out of fuckin’ bed.”

8. Team tactics: “It’s going to be total bullshit. Big Orange has thirty guys entered. It will just be negative racing.”

9. Individual tactics: “My whole team worked against me, gave it away to the opportunists who didn’t even have any teammates in the race.”

10. Time. “Ah, fuck, there was no way I could log the training miles for that race. I’ve got a real job and a family, dude.”

11. Doping. “Those other 87 dudes in the 55+? ‘Course they beat me. They all dope.”

12. Misjudgment. “I was so on form, best of my life. Then like an idiot I went out and hammered on the Pier Ride. Totally blew my form.”

13. Kids. “Hey, I spent last week helping Billy on his algebra. Priorities.”

14. Wife. “Cowbella won’t let me train. Total bullshit. If I could just bump it up from 350 to 450 a week I’d have won in a solo breakaway.”

15. Priorities. “It’s a stupid fucking bike race, okay? Who gives a shit?”

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§ 29 Responses to Foundational excusifying

  • Vmac says:

    Excellent menu. I’ll have the “choose any four” special, please.

    • Wankmeister says:

      Hmmm…you’re holding back. Sample a little bit from the entire menu. Use different items with different people. Create a general expectation that it would be impossible for you not to have a bad day. This really works.

  • Usta Befit says:

    16. I got Epstein Barr from a teammate’s dirty water bottle….or I’m just lazy.

    • Wankmeister says:

      Lazy is a non-starter. Try this: “I don’t have the energy to train that these other guys do. It’s because I have real job.” Sounds better.

    • Wankmeister says:

      Dirty water bottle excuses are always good. And you can’t go wrong with tainted meat.

  • Checkerbutt says:

    You forgot religion. “The race is on a Sunday. I don’t ride (therefore race) on Sundays.”

  • Wacker says:

    Here’s one you won’t get at most (any) races…

    “The snakes scared the shit out of me and I couldn’t hammer”

    Aaaaand on that note, WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES SUNDAY!

    Have a great day!

  • Courtland says:

    Don’t forget: The 1st or 2nd worst air in the Nation(Can’t remember if Redlands took us this year?)
    Or “F” that! I don’t wanna get Valley Fever!
    Or That “F” 360 degree Bako Blast Furnace just sucked the life out of my legs!
    Or How the hell did that old hairy leg dude on that steal Pinarrello beat me again?

    • Wankmeister says:

      These are excellent, but we could work on the phrasing.

      1. Ambient air pollution. “Fuckin’ Bako was worst in that nation this year. Four dudes died from lung cancer during the race.”
      2. Disease. “Valley Fever is going around bad these days. My doc said I was really susceptible.”
      3. Heat. [Already covered]
      4. Cheating. “Dude on a steel Pinarello was sucking my wheel the whole friggin’ race. Then sprunted around me at the end for 89th.”

  • Roberto Pascani says:

    If you can get some of Contadors tainted meat, you won’t need an excuse. Just sayin’

  • Fred Hunter says:

    WTF?? No mechanical failure excuses??

    You’ve been riding (and making excuses) far too long..you’ve forgotten the holy grail of excusing..which is..take no ownership of the failure. To any degree. Reviewing the list above, each one (save #8, and even that includes some degree of personsl cock up) includes a personal pronoun. Idiot.

    Why blame yourself when you can blame your bike exclusively? Choice examples: Loose seat clamp bolt, skipping chain, handlebars slipped, pedal coming loose, low tire, rolled tire..there are so many more, I’m aghast that NONE of these were included.

    How does it make any sense to disavow personal failure by taking personal responsibilty..when you can simply blame the bike which, as a bonus, can’t defend itself or otherwise expose you?

    It appears that you need to make excuses for your lack of ability for making excuses….. but don’t try; that circuitous exercise would make your head explode. Instead, I suggest you improve your skills by doing more riding with the Long Beach Freddies..then you’ll really learn the art of excuse making.

    • Wankmeister says:

      It’s rare (like fucking never) that Wankmeister receives a complete, and completely deserved beatdown for not just missing the target but failing to even pick up the bow.

      This is one.

      Thanks to the LB Freddies for making their mark, like the mongrels they are.

  • …um, snakes?….that’s why i’ll be wearing the Snake Stompin’ boots!!!…git yers at Kohl’s!!!…or Big Lots…

    • Wankmeister says:

      I was gonna say, “My snake stomping boots are broken,” but then I remembered Fred Hunter’s admonition never to take responsibility, and the use of a possessive pronoun pretty much ties me to the failure. So I’m going with “Snake stomping boots were defectively manufactured.”

  • Hwy. 39 says:

    I looked within myself and pulled out the best ride of my life. Unfortunately, I just have to accept that I’m not that fast and I’ll never be state champion.

  • Sam Ames says:

    Promoter approves….again. Any press is good press. :) Keep up the excellent blog, you are becoming very popular in BAKErsfield….we r dialing it all in and workin it hard to be ready for the masses!

    • Wankmeister says:

      The word “Bakersfield” strikes fear and terror into the hearts of all who gaze longingly at their shaven legs in the mirror, dreaming of a scrawny-legged victory atop ol’ Mt. Snakebit. Unlike Punchbowl, Bakersfield offers a lure to all-rounders rather than just the climbers, which means that you can dream of glory even if you’re a wanker, but in the end all you’ll get is an all-round beatdown from the viciousness of the course, the sun, the snakes, the stinging flies, the swarms of bees, and relentlessness of the terrain. All Hail Bakersfield!!

  • El Rosito says:

    Don’t forget the newly popular… ” I was up late writing on my excuse blog…” excuse.
    Come dare to ride amongnst the legends of the road at the Home of Bike Race Madness, BAKERSFIELD. True cyclists do not make excuses, they make and inflict pain. Come cover the roads in glory, or die trying. Each race has only one winner, but can have many successes. See you there. El Rosito

    • Wankmeister says:

      I will be there! However, as a truly fake cyclist, I manufacture excuses hourly. Your new offering will be utilized…the “Dropped by My Blog” excuse. The legends of the road, unfortunately, will be the ones inflicting the pain and covering themselves in glory. We twigmen of the road will be inflicting our spouses with excuses, cowering under the AC, and suffering the pain of a merciless beatdown. Ah, Bakersfield! Ah, humanity!

  • Bicycle Race MADNESS!!! says:

    I was up the night before reading this blog and literally laughing my fucking ass off, when suddenly I fell off my stool and bruised my massive left calf. No fucking way I’m a gonna grind up that climb with a bruised calf. Thanks a lot, fuckers!

    • Wankmeister says:

      Dude, you just won the Oakley lame-ass excuse contest for race quitters–and it was a stacked field! The “Fell off a stool reading a funny blog” excuse is beyond awesome, because you don’t even have to show up to the fucking race for it to work, waste beer money on the entry fee, or use your co-pay to cover the ER visit for heat stroke. Crap. I was sure I was gonna get that new pair of those Oakley SagSiders.

      PS: People who use profanity in the comments section get extra props. Raises my “inappropriate content” rating…so…extra props.

      PPS: Thanks for the left-handed compliment!

  • Norman Nipnoile says:

    Man, you guys have no idea..Last week while racing in the Killington, VT Stage race where I was preparing for your state championships, I was away solo in the road race, at least 10 min. on the field, when the lead car made a wrong turn and sent me off course!..Fuck, I was gonna win I think..I finished last as I just sat on and focused on balancing out my spin..The bad news is that a fucking deer tick crawled up my ass crack at my flea trap motel and left me with some Lyme disease..I now have no energy, no morning hard-on, and my right elbow itches..I can’t make it to your race… unless you don’t mind me sitting on and telling the riff-raff on the back what to do..Please guys, don’t forget the tick spray!

    • Wankmeister says:

      I’ve packed the tick spray, but the bug-crawled-up-the-ass thing makes me kind of worried about applying it properly.

  • drbeachbum says:

    Best compilation of excuses ever. I’m printing this shit out and keeping it handy.

    I think you only forgot one:

    Wankmeister Fear. I was so afraid of a bad write-up on Seth’s blog I road like an idiot on lap one and blew myself up.

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