Why are you such a putz?

July 2, 2012 § 8 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

Why are you such a putz? Late last night, between your fourth bottle of Everclear and your fifth tray of chocolate chip cookies, you railed and ranted about how Horseface was going to get spanked by Greipel. Well, how do you feel now, you pompous douchebag? Cav showed he’s the real deal, don’t need no lead-out train, and can drag Humpty Ugly around by the ballsack at will. Hope you’re reconsidering your decision to be a cycling prognosticator, and will soon return to your day job as gutter scum.

Laughingly,
Merry Tricious

Dear Merry:

Horseface is so lucky it’s not even funny. If you watch the last 200m, you’ll see where he gets a push from Snarky Olvetchkin, just as Humpty mis-shifts. Then, those smokin’ hot babes with the podium tits lean over the barricade, and Humpty, who’s all man, takes his eye off the ball and his mind wanders. Boom. In the twinkling of an eye, Horseface slips by. Wait ’til the next stage. Humpty’s gonna mash on Horseface like a spatula on a strip of fatty bacon.

Also, Gangsta Chick will be there with a fog mist machine and electric light-up hipster wheels for Humpty, so even if he doesn’t pull off the win, he’s gonna be the raddest dude in the wankoton.

Unflinchingly,
Wankmeister

PS: Fuck you and your whole family tree, single trunk with no branches that it is.

Tagged: , , , , , ,

§ 8 Responses to Why are you such a putz?

  • Dick Fitzenceider says:

    PS: Fuck you and your whole family tree, so inosculated it is beyond natural means to prise apart as it is. [Just fleshing out your description for greater accuracy]

    • Wankmeister says:

      Wankmeister awards three bonus points and a gold star for any commenter who sends him scurrying to his dictionary, and who, on top of that, uses the obscure word correctly! Shots of chain lube all ’round for Boss Fitzenceider!

  • off-roadie says:

    Botanists…

  • gangstachic says:

    orrrr how ’bout dry ice at 200m to go so that as it sublimates in air (2 points for using a big word) and they appear coming across the finish it’s like they’re in an old skool Michael Jackson video like Thriller or that Pespi commercial where his hair caught on fire!!! or they could just keep w the yellow helmets cuz that’s exciting too. ;p

    • Wankmeister says:

      Yah, sweethips!! I’ve lined up a replacement to do the video now that MJ’s dead and gone. Check this out and let me know if you think he will work:

  • Just cannot resist commenting on this little gem by Merry : “can drag Humpty Ugly around by the ballsack at will” – yes, with his teeth too, because when standing on his toes, that’s about where his mouth will be…

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