Gitcher Stage Four winner here

July 3, 2012 § 6 Comments

Okay, so I didn’t exactly nail it yesterday when I predicted that Jean-Christophe Peraud was gonna bring home the bacon.

On the other hand, it’s a Wednesday night before July the 4th, and instead of being out with friends, hooking up, and letting some studmuffin or hot chick or both lick coke off your nipples, you’re reading a stupid cycling blog. So don’t tell me I’m the loser.

Prediction for Turdy France Stage Four

Stage Four is a repetition of Stage Two, only more so. It’s long. It’s flat. It’s boring. It’s stupid. The only people who will enjoy this are the ones who are actually in France, drunk by 9:00 AM, lying prostrate in a ditch while a studmuffin or hot chick or both licks coke off their nipples. Everyone else who even pretends to care or be interested or, Dog forbid, set aside time to watch this Xanax stage is hopeless.

After carefully analyzing this featureless borefest, here’s my prediction. Take it to the fucking bank: Jean-Christophe Peraud will win the stage and pull on yellow.

Why Peraud? Not because, at age 34, he was the oldest Tour rookie last year by almost a hundred years. Not because he’s a mountain biker and therefore taps out after 45 minutes. Not because of his legendary septicemia that he got after that nasty crash.

No.

Peraud is going to spank the shit out of the competition tomorrow because he’s been training with a cryogenic suit. You know how they froze Ted Williams so they could cure him later, and how except for the fact that his frozen head kept falling on the floor and losing big chunks he was all set to be thawed someday and made good as new?

Well, that’s what the Ag2R Mondiale team has been doing.

“Fuck you, Wankmeister, you’re so full of shit.”

No…FUCK YOU. And after the fucking, read this link. Peraud will be minimally inflamed after the last hard stage finish at Baloney-on-Toast due to the cryotherapy suit. He’s going to rip the panties off the peloton and deliver a world-class fucking. You watch.

The best of the rest

Saggs: He has no hope of a third win. It’s impossible. Forget about it. Why? Because that little fucktard “running salute” he did 300 yards in front of the next dude whose brains were draining out his ear was too hideous. The gods of Anquetil won’t allow that shit for a stage that finishes in Rouen.

Fabs: Another day in yellow. Maybe he’ll buy some better hair pomade with the bonus. Who knows? @mmmaiko doesn’t care, as long as he maket twattle.

Horseface: He’s going to melt quicker than a pat of butter on a cougar’s belly. Then they’ll smear him all over the road.

Humpty Ugly: Humpty will, after injecting three quarts of testosterpoetinruggedmaxxx2 into his butt and thighs, crush the field sprint. No one will come close. His gigantism, wrapped out at 3900 watts, will power the Tour’s telecommunication satellites for the next week. Pay close attention to his left arm, though, as he suppresses that Dr. Strangelove “achtung” salute with his right hand.

Mullet: Crash. Lose 2-3 minutes waiting for a bike change. Get all nervous and upset and start doing butterfly strokes in the nearby ditch. Regret hiring a swimming coach for his doping program.

Check in tomorrow to see how right I am. Winning!

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§ 6 Responses to Gitcher Stage Four winner here

  • Chelsea Swansea says:

    I kept reading despite the fact that apparently you read cyclingnews.com. No wonder your picks suck worse than Saggs. .

    • Wankmeister says:

      You kept reading because you’ve already finished beating off and you’re too lazy and stupid to read a real book.

  • I reckon that is why a certain Canadian + all of the Norwegian, Baltic and Russian cyclists are so strong, when they go outside in winter they get cryotherapie for free, 9 months out of the year ! I’m moving to North Cape next week…

  • The Fred Hunter says:

    I have to agree with the author about flat stages (and sprinters) in general….what sacrilege to the sport of cycling that some mega ego pusstard can suck wheel for, like, 1,000,000 miles only to jump around at the last possible second and shamelessly take the stage. This is, of course, followed by a victory salute / dance / jerkoff that would make an NFL player slink with shame. And since Mr. Sprinter and his like minded competitors are seemingly ignorant of the laws of physics (which state that two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time) there’s always the good chance that one of the real riders is going to be taken out in a needless crash. Yep, I love me the flat stages.

    I wish that I wanted to watch the flat stages, and after years of fast forwarding to the finish, I finally found a way. I’ll share it now.

    I’m an F1 fan, and in particular, a Mark Webber fan. I want him to win — don’t know why. But having something to cheer for, no matter how unlikely it is to occur, has the unintended result of taking an otherwise boring event and making it interesting from beginning to end. Webber rarely wins, but sometimes, just sometimes, he does.

    Mark Cavendish (aka Horseface) rarely crashes. But every once in awhile…..

    Today’s stage – payday!!

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