Wankmeister predicts all future Turdy France stages, ever

July 5, 2012 § 11 Comments

I rarely envy the brilliance of others. I figure they worked hard to achieve it, and they were lucky enough to pick the right set of parents, and so they deserve all the glory it reaps.

Sometimes, though, someone says something that’s so profound and amazing that it changes forever the way I see the matter at hand. Take a minute and read this post by Captaintbag.

It’s elegant. It’s eloquent. And like Einstein’s theory of relativity, it reconciles a whole world of disturbing contradictions into a single, comprehensible, unified whole. Upon reading Captaintbag’s simple formula, my first reaction was that “all is now revealed.” My second was envy. My third, disciple-like, is devotion.

Stating the problem

Cycling at the amateur and professional levels has always been riven by two irreconcilable principles. The first is that cycling is sport that should therefore be played according to rules and penalties that apply to all. Sticky water bottle? $75 fine. Blood bags from Dr. Fuentes? Two-year excommunication to the golf course.

The second principle is that winners are deities.

When principles collide

These two principles lead to contradictory phenomena. Fairly applied rules means that cheating will not be rewarded. Deification of winners means that they will be deified, even if they cheat.

In the Newtonian scheme of things, sporting ethics were a constant. The quality of an athlete as a disreputable winner who cheated, or as an honorable loser who played fairly, or as a deified winner who played by the rules, could be determined by the application of immutable sporting ethics as codified by the rules, which themselves were tweaked over time to ensure that new types of play (freakish tt positions, EPO use) comported with the unchanging ethic.

Yet none of it worked. Heroes like Anquetil plainly said that doping was a necessity. Though punished for his refusal to take a dope test after smashing the hour record by having the record stripped, he remained a hero to many, even an honorable one for his refusal to lie about the demands of the sport.

The golden era of cycling, from about 1995 to 2005, was one of superhuman accomplishment driven at the point of a needle. Those most worthy of honor in that pantheon, giants like Hincapie for his record participations in Roubaix and the Tour, stand tarnished. Honorable heroes, yet tarnished cheats.

The Captaintbag theory of relativity solves all

Simply put, the Taintbag Theory of Turdy Tawdriness states that the Tour is a spectacle. Indeed, this is merely a modern restatement of Henri Desgrange’s founding principle, that the Tour is nothing if not an excess.

Sporting ethic has no role in the Tour other than as a pliable handmaiden to the brutish demands of spectacle. The Tour, as Taintbag’s formula expresses, is bloody athletes tangled in barbed wire, drug scandal, horrific crashes, noble sacrifices on cruel Alpine slopes, tragic deaths of children run over by the publicity caravan, voluptuous divas smothering sweat-drenched riders on a blow-up podium, car crashes, motorcycle crashes, snow, ice, rain, unbearable sun, cheating, lies, chicanery, backdoor deals, stage wins bartered and sold like used cars at a swap meet, and everything done on a global stage before thousands of reporters while broadcast to hundreds of millions and commentated by clowns named Sherwen, Liggett, and Roll, characters as outlandish as their outsized, drunken egos.

This, according to the Taintbag Theory of Turdy Tawdriness, is the Tour. It is not right or wrong, good or bad, hero or villain, fair play or foul. It is the violent and bloody and greedy and dollar-soaked and testosterone drenched hand-to-hand combat of crazy puppets, laughed at and cried over, loved and reviled, held tightly and discarded in disgust like just another condom whose duty is done.

Enjoy the taint. Decry the taint. Long live the taint!

Tagged: , , ,

§ 11 Responses to Wankmeister predicts all future Turdy France stages, ever

  • Bob says:

    that’s entertainment!

  • Chelsea Swansea says:

    The Tour can be as dirty as it wants… but what about all those broke young Belgian wannabes buying doping crap online without the help of a ‘Dr.’? If they wanna race they gotta do it… if they aren’t prepared to ride dirty might as well stay on the farm. That’s were it stops being entertainment.

    • Wankmeister says:

      Or the kids here…

      I think it’s a spectacle rather than entertainment. And, this is how it’s always been. Always.

  • Man, I never did find that blow job podium back when I rode it…

  • A-Trav says:

    Aw hell, Wanky. Guy Debord had all that figured out back in ’67. Unfortunately, it’s not limited to the TdF.

  • loosewheels says:

    Great article, Wankmeister. Hopefully, flattery will grease the path for today’s limerick to pass moderation.

    Winner Comes from Behind
    Or The Case Against AssADA
    7/6/12

    As is often the case, Tour wins come from the back;
    Some do eke out a sprint or foil early attacks.
    But let’s not pretend
    That le Tour’s true ass end
    Isn’t headless AssADA talking out (of) its butt crack!

    Like McQuaid, the AssADA drafts rules as it needs
    No precedents and, strangely, it seems guaranteed
    The world will comply
    With its quest this July
    To bend the Tour over and drive home its seed.

    The target, of course, is a man who’s lived strong.
    Can so many millions of Lance fans be wrong?!
    Amid all the squalor,
    Lance: “Putain de branleurs!” *
    As AssADA manipulates Tour-crazy throngs.

    Lance is deaf to his echoes, words growing so old:
    “There’s no fucking proof; no failed doping controls!
    Vendetta! Collusion!”
    And, now, anal intrusion
    As five are impaled by “De Telegraaf” pole!

    A pole which, in truth, once spiked T. Tygart’s pants,
    Split his zipper, revealing some scrotal implants!
    USADA’s big boner
    Concerns willing self donors
    Of blood, now transfused, boosts TT’s happy dance.

    He must get turned on by the Texan’s tight cheeks;
    The thought makes him drool which, in turn, leads to leaks!
    A tisket, a tasket,
    He keeps blowing gaskets
    With his blow hole directed at media geeks.

    I feel sure Tygart alternates right and left hands,
    As he pounds away wearing two yellow fist-bands!
    Well, he’s not playing chess.
    He could really care less
    If the sport gets destroyed. He just wants Armstrong banned.

    Methinks guilt and innocence no longer matter.
    AssADA just wants Lance’s head on a platter,
    And his backside prised open!
    (It’s a stiff price for dopin’)
    As the sport wipes its eyes which are filled with back-splatter.

    *Branleurs—trust me, it rhymes.

  • Anthony Jackson says:

    “Sporting ethic has no role in the Tour other than as a pliable handmaiden to the brutish demands of spectacle. The Tour, as Taintbag’s formula expresses, is bloody athletes tangled in barbed wire, drug scandal, horrific crashes, noble sacrifices on cruel Alpine slopes, tragic deaths of children run over by the publicity caravan, voluptuous divas smothering sweat-drenched riders on a blow-up podium, car crashes, motorcycle crashes, snow, ice, rain, unbearable sun, cheating, lies, chicanery, backdoor deals, stage wins bartered and sold like used cars at a swap meet, and everything done on a global stage before thousands of reporters while broadcast to hundreds of millions and commentated by clowns named Sherwen, Liggett, and Roll, characters as outlandish as their outsized, drunken egos.”

    This paragraph is absolutely the best writing on cycling I’ve ever read–at least in my 3-year quest to devour every word written on the subject. Wankmeister, as a suitor told my wife some years ago, “you are the shit”.

Donate a few seconds of your life that you'll never get back

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading Wankmeister predicts all future Turdy France stages, ever at Cycling in the South Bay.

meta

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 811 other followers

%d bloggers like this: