Heeeeere’s Johnny!

August 11, 2012 § 59 Comments

Jonathan Vaughters has publicly admitted what we already knew, just in time for USADA’s supplemental briefing for Judge Sparks, which will almost certainly identify the eyewitnesses who will corroborate Lance Armstrong’s use of all kinds of nasty shit to win the TdF against dudes who were using the same nasty shit. Want to bet that JV will be on the list?

Too bad he doesn’t read my blog. I posted three form doper apology letters yesterday, and he could have sent in the “apologetic doper” form and saved himself a lot of work. He could have also saved himself some embarrassment. You know, the embarrassment from saying totally ridiculous shit that makes him look like a liar and a hypocrite, and that makes us look like tools for taking the time to read it.

Sigh.

Disclaimer: I’m not opposed to doping

Doping and drugs are fine if you want to do them. It’s a form of cheating, just like changing your line in a sprunt, cutting the course, lying on your upgrade request, entering a race while serving a suspension, racing in a category other than one stated on your license, or telling your wife that you’re not fucking your secretary.

And although I’d rather finish last (and often do) than cheat, it doesn’t bother me terribly that others break the rules any more than it bothers me that some happily married people are happiest in another woman’s bed. In fact, the hacker who beat me out for 56th thanks to his high-octane EPO protocol is probably a much nicer chap than some undoped asshole who intentionally chops my wheel and tries to take me down on a fucking training ride.

Which brings me to my next point: as Michael Creed so eloquently put it, even though doping wasn’t for him, he didn’t judge someone as a bad person for doping. There were plenty of dopers who he’d have been glad to have as neighbors, and other clean athletes who were complete douchebags.

So you’re condoning DOPING? Aaaaaaaaaahhhhgh!

No. But I’m not condemning it either. If you dope in some cheeseball masters crit and win $50, that doesn’t bother me. I wasn’t going to win it no matter what you did or didn’t take. If you dope in some big stage race and make millions as a cancer survivor while viciously destroying the lives and careers of people who call you a doper…that’s different. That’s evil.

But back to JV, and his sob-story about the evils of doping and how we must never again allow children’s souls to be killed through doping. Yes, he really said that.

I’ve bulleted his stupid anti-doping arguments, which he should have summed up by saying, “It’s cheating. Cheating is bad. So don’t cheat.” But nooooooooooooo…

  1. “Doping takes away childhood dreams.” Dude, childhood dreams die with childhood. Life is a nasty, brutish affair that ends horribly for everyone. No exceptions. It’s like the first time a young woman sees a big ol’ penis and gets told, “This is going in there.” Whoa! Major childhood dream massacre! Why should bicycle chasers be exempt from harsh reality? Answer: They shouldn’t be, and they aren’t.
  2. “Doping forces you to lie.” Whaaaat? Doping doesn’t force you to lie, being human does. Humans are liars. Batfuck, dishonest, conniving, duplicitous shits who will say anything to advance themselves. They may also tell the truth when it’s convenient, but hate to tell you, JV, people were lying long before EPO.
  3. “Doping forces young athletes to abandon their sport if they choose not to dope.” Wait a minute…that’s a negative? Trading in your stinky bibs for an Armani and a cubicle at Goldman-Sachs? Sign me up! Cycling is a cul-de-sac, and the only people in it are broken, or deluded, or drug-addled, or all of the above. The more young athletes who give up this ignoble pursuit as a profession and go get real jobs, the better. You can bicycle chase on the weekend.
  4. “Doping can make the difference in the TdF between 1st and 100th.” Not exactly. When most of the peloton’s doped, as it still is, the difference between first and one hundredth place is in your teammates, your tactics, your bike racing skills, the sophistication of your microdosing, and your ability to train far from the testers.
  5. “Riders who refused to dope, and walked away, were punished for following their moral compass.” Okay, everybody take off your stupid hats if that made sense. The whole point behind morality is to do what’s right, regardless of the consequences. In fact, it is only by taking the punishment of an unjust system that morality makes sense. You’re never punished for taking a moral stand, you’re rewarded for it because, asshole, morality is its own reward. Which is the main reason it’s so unpopular.
  6. “We’ve made huge strides. Just look at these Olympics!” No. I will not watch four Jamaican dudes run faster than the rest of the world combined and call that a celebration of clean sport. The only sport nastier than track and field is professional soccer, football, baseball, hockey, weightlifting, wrestling, boxing, basketball, horse racing…etc.
  7. “Athletes only dope because they just want a fair chance, a level playing field.” That’s like those dorks who say they want to win the lottery so they can make the world a better place. Next time you see them, they’re broke, drunk in a gutter, and covered in venereal sores. Athletes hate fairness. They want an edge, a leg up, a lighter bike, faster wheels, cyanide in their opponent’s coffee, anything to get ahead of the competition. Cycling was a cheat-filled sport long before EPO, and it will be one long after.

Conclusion

What I really wanted to write about was Mighty Mouse, Tree, Katie, and the other badasses who did Leadville today, not to mention their trusty sidekicks who made sure they were well fed and watered for this grueling event. Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow.

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§ 59 Responses to Heeeeere’s Johnny!

  • privateer says:

    “I had to do it to fulfill my superiority complex.”

    • Admin says:

      The devil made me do it. My peers made me do it. I was forced. It was society. It was that way at the time, you had to be there. Everyone else was doing it. I had no idea what it was. It didn’t hurt anyone. If I didn’t do it I would be punished.

      [Use for: a) the reasons you doped b) the reasons you abetted the Nazi regime c) all other unpleasant things you’ve done in life that you now regret.]

  • Albacore says:

    My wife accuses me of not listening to her. I can’t help it. I read somewhere on the interwebs that men only hear every few keys words. So, by my own naturally-biased-testosterone-laden intellect I can determine the key concepts to be: Johnathan Vaughters, nasty shit, drugs are fine, fuck your secretary, douchebags, big ol’ penis, batfuck, punished, ignoble pursuit, tactics, ability, 4 Jamaican dudes, venereal sores. Therefore, I can infer from WM’s blog that JV is a nasty shit, who believes drugs are fine and will fuck your secretary. This douchebag, using his big ol’ penis aided by tactics and ability, will batfuck 4 Jamaican dudes. It is in this ignoble pursuit of his that he will be punished with venereal sores. I knew not to trust that fuck with his hipster glasses and sideburns.

  • Jeff Miskimins says:

    Dear WANKMEISTER,
    Please team up with Albacore in the next edition of ‘cycling illustrated’. Follow your moral compasses to the ‘Dark side’. You won’t be punished, I swear.

    Btw, would you consider ever doing stand-up comedy?

  • Matt says:

    However tongue-in-cheek any of this might be, there’s only one statement in this entire post with which I can agree: “If you dope in some big stage race and make millions as a cancer survivor while viciously destroying the lives and careers of people who call you a doper…that’s different. That’s evil.”

    Beyond that, everything else is utter bullshit. Your commentary is not only misguided but, frankly, a disservice to anyone who cares about the sport. But then, I wouldn’t expect anything other than a, “Disclaimer: I’m not opposed to doping,” from someone who also writes that “Cycling is a cul-de-sac” and an “ignoble profession” filled with people who either are “broken, or deluded, or drug-addled, or all of the above.”

    Sure, maybe it’s easy pickings to deride some of Vaughters’ statements but:

    * Doping DOES take away childhood dreams. Nobody is arguing that life is hard and filled with deception. Vaughters argues exactly that point. But the fact is, doping makes it easy to accomplish something difficult, and that destroys the dream of those who hope to accomplish tough things through hard work and sacrifice.

    * Doping CAN make the difference in the TdF between 1st and 100th. Regardless of anything else you want to argue, doping will always have an immeasurable impact on the sport’s results when part of the answer between one placing and another is, “the sophistication of your microdosing, and your ability to train far from the testers.”

    * Riders who refused to dope, and walked away, HAVE BEEN punished for following their moral compass. Just ask Christophe Bassons, for example.

    Cycling is far from a perfect sport but it is a beautiful one nonetheless. If you appreciate the sport at all, at least take a side on the issue of doping rather than straddle the fence by arguing that you neither condone nor condemn doping because, well, hey…you aren’t going to win anything so why the fuck should you care? Pretty selfish attitude. Perhaps you wouldn’t win, but perhaps someone else would have. The argument against doping isn’t just about what I or you might have accomplished because another rider chose not to dope, but the purity of the totality of the results.

    • Admin says:

      Dude, stay tuned. I’m in the office working today, but will respond to your hilarious comment. I love your sense of humor! “The purity of the totality of the results!” Har! Almost as good as “Cycling is a beautiful sport.” You’re a fucking comic genius. Chapeau, asshole.

    • Chris says:

      I would hazard a guess that you replay Wriststrong’s “miracle ” speech from the end of his ’05 tour every night before you tuck yourself in and dream of a utopian bike wonderland. Fucking “purity of the totality of the results”…Say another boy scout prayer and nighty night.

      Wankmeister..This is without a doubt the greatest thing I have found in a long time on the inter web..

      Big, Big Chapeau.

      • Chris says:

        The first comment was for Matt..forgot to throw that in.

      • Admin says:

        Har! Got it!

      • Admin says:

        Matt is living his childhood dreams, which haven’t yet been punctured by the mortgage meltdown, the fact that his wife won’t swallow, or the harsh reality that sport is just as filthy and corrupt as any other large gathering of people for the purpose of making money. Thanks for the props!

    • Admin says:

      Yo, dude. You know how like anybody over the age of twenty-five learns, through tough experience, to check out the cars parked in front of a bar before going in? The reason is that when the lot is filled with broken down, rusted out pickups and rat Harleys, it means that your preppy little snotnose ass is going to get beaten to a pulp and then raped with a pool cue. And that’s before they hurt you in earnest.

      You should have checked the comments on this blog before posting your sanctimonious little defense of the “purity of results” for this “beautiful sport.” This blog is a nasty little shark pit frequented by cynical, grizzled, road-hardened men and women who know the score and enjoy laughing at Pollyanna fops like you.
      How do I know you’re a Pollyanna fop? I don’t, but I checked USACycling.org and you aren’t on it. So before you tell me about how you used to race “back in the 80’s,” let me tell you that I don’t give a rat’s ass. Why? Because people like you further this silly fantasy that pro/am cycling is anything other than a completely insignificant endeavor.

      Before I digress, let me respond to your pathetic whimperings.

      You: “Doping DOES take away childhood dreams.”

      Me: Nice touch with the ALL CAPS. I still can’t believe JV wrote this, though I can easily believe that fops like you are now adopting it as their battle cry. Look, Matt, childhood dreams aren’t taken away by doping any more than they’re taken away by your first stint in the Marine Corps or your first job as a dishwasher or the reality that if you want to climb the corporate ladder you have to fuck over, pillage, and burn. Childhood dreams are ruined by adulthood. All those happy moments with your kids reading “Goodnight Moon” will make them smart, and will help them bond with you, and will give them the strength to go forth and do battle, but life is a process that ends in death, with countless agonies and heartbreaks along the way. Adulthood means making hard, bitter choices that require you to trade A for B, where A is “what is right” and B is “money.” Don’t be such a whiny pussy. If you want to race bikes for a living and win at it, you gotta dope. Same with track, football, and everything else. Don’t like it? Awwwww. Tell me about how unfair life is.

      You: “Doping CAN make the difference in the TdF.”

      Me: No shit? You just figured that out? Hey, I’ve been trying to get somebody to help me figure out the color of the sky. Any ideas?

      You: “Riders who refused to dope HAVE BEEN punished for following their moral compass.”

      Me: This is the point where your cluelessness reveals either your sheltered life or the fact that you’re a lying whore. Behaving morally, or virtuously, as Plato would have said, requires suffering the consequences of doing what’s right at the hands of those who perpetrate what’s wrong. There might even be a little Platonic dialogue called the Apology on that. You don’t get “extra credit” for honesty by walking away from lies and cheating. You get honesty. That’s it. And if virtue isn’t enough for you, then you’re shit out of luck. You’re like the guy who expects a reward for returning a lost wallet filled with hundred dollar bills. You’re not motivated by honesty, but by greed. People who wanted to race as a pro, then learned it was dirty, then decided to do something else because they didn’t want to be dirty got the satisfaction of…not being dirty.

      Now, on to reality. You’re upset because I won’t condemn doping. I suppose I should condemn drinking, philandering, heroin, and people who cheat on their taxes while I’m at it. Yeah, judge-jury-executioner, that’s a fun role. Except it’s not. Hate to break the news to you, but I ride and race with lots of dopers, even though I’m not exactly sure who does and who doesn’t. Some of my best friends used drugs in cycling back in the day and you know what, asshole? They’re still my best friends. So let’s do this: you choose your friends based on drugs, or sexual orientation, or their tax returns, or whether they lie to Jesus, and I’ll choose mine based on whether I like them and have things in common. You’ll be stuck with nothing but crazy Baptists, dude, and before long you’ll be another one of those douchebags picketing military funerals with a big, misspelled sign that says, “God hates DOAPERS.”

      I’ll be chilling with my buddies and drinking post-coital coffee on the NPR.

      What I do oppose, though, Matt, is cheating. But I don’t oppose it like you. I expect people to cheat, and I expect them to cheat all the time. I’m never surprised. You, on the other hand, might be surprised to know we have an entire system that was designed solely to deal with liars, cheats, and thieves. It’s called the civil justice system.
      In cycling, doping is cheating. So I recommend you not do that, because cheating is bad. JV should have left it at that. Instead, he, and you, took it to the next level: we have to stamp out cheating! No more cheating! Save the children!

      You know the problem, with that, Matt? The problem is that in order to stamp out the cheating we’d have to spend $10k per race to pay for the drug testing. That’s what it cost to catch David Anthony at the Gran Fondo in New York. I can barely afford entry fees and gas, much less a $200 surcharge on every race. And even though you don’t race, I know you’d be the first one to whine about the entry fees, the license fees, the emergency room fees. No way in hell that you or JV would pony up one fucking nickel to enforce the rules out in Ontario or Dominguez.

      So, whose problem is that? You’re like those assholes who want to crack down on crime, but who also vote to cut the police salaries, overtime, and pensions. You’re a fucking hypocrite. Sure, cheating is bad, but we’re not talking about mortgage fraud. We’re talking about dick-in-hand bicycle chasing. If JV’s confession had been remotely sincere, he would have done it years ago, along with names, dates, times, places of all the dopers and their suppliers. And if people like you were at all sincere, you’d be lauding David Anthony just as much, or more, than JV.

      But no. David’s a douche. JV’s honorable. Pleeeeeze.

      I’ve tried to save the best for last, which is your lovely sentiment about the purity of the totality of results in cycling. Dude, did you write that? And if you did, did you mean it?

      Cycling? Pure results? And cycling is a “beautiful sport”?

      Pure like Willy Voet trundling over the Belgian border with a wagon full of drugs? Pure like Marco Pantani choking to death on his own puke from a drug overdose? Pure like the six-day racers who won with strychnine, cocaine, and heroin? Pure like the backdoor deals that decided major classics before the race ever started? Pure like Phil Liggett mumbling drunkenly as he misidentifies a rider (again)? Or pure like the combines that allot winners in the local crits? Pure like the riders who cut a deal 2k from the finish? Pure like the spectators who sprinkle tacks on the road, punch Merckx in the kidney, or, like Hinault, punch out women protesters during P-R? Pure like Henri Desgrange paying Major Taylor in 10-centime pieces because he was such a racist? Pure like Major Taylor giving up the sport because he couldn’t stand the racism? Pure like Major Taylor, the greatest racer in American history, dying a pauper? Pure like Hein Verbruggen? Pure like Pat McQuaid? Pure like Bill Strickland, who writes an LA hagiography, pockets the dough, and then sanctimoniously turns on him for being a doper? Pure like Michael Barry, who’s never admitted to doping even after writing a book about being on the Postal Bus?

      There’s a reason you have so many stupid ideas, Matt. It’s because you don’t race your bike. If you did, you’d find yourself surrounded by 100 people who hate your guts for fifty minutes and will kill you if they have to in order to beat you. They’ll chop your wheel, drive you into the curb, head butt you, bang your bars, lie to you, jump you, and roll over your dick without thinking twice about it. Bike races are won by the hardest, the toughest, the sneakiest, the cagiest, the people with the killer instinct who know how to kill. And that’s in the 45+ elderly prostate gentleman’s category!

      God forbid you ever tried to enter a real race. You’d be carved up into ribbons and left for dead.

      And by the way, your prayer for the poor idiot who missed out on the $50 prize because somebody else doped…are you fucking serious? Masters bicycle chasing really matters? You can’t mean that. We are elderly folks in garish lycra costumes crashing $10k bikes in business parks for $50 primes. That is not serious, Matt, unless you’re referring the subdural hematomas, broken hips, and smashed bones. It’s ludicrous. I do it because I can’t help myself, but that doesn’t make it “serious.”

      Serious is Syria. The mortgage meltdown. Global warming. The Kardashians.

      NOT BICYCLES. BICYCLES ARE NOT SERIOUS. (Dig my caps?)

      Dude, you’re so full of shit it’s almost funny. Now go home and read some books and quit hanging out here. Bicycle chasing is like every other human endeavor that’s driven by profit: mostly unsavory, with some good along the way if you look hard for it and are willing to laugh.

      Here’s another tip, while I’m at it: spend less time judging others, more time laughing at yourself and this stupid sport. If you ever get out to California, or if you live here, give me a yell and we can go for a ride. I’ll make fun of you and call you a wanker, but it will all be cool. You’ll dig the vibe and regret saying so many stupid things in such a public place, and feel like a total fred when you get dropped on the hill up Pershing. Afterwards we’ll have coffee together and you’ll feel like a complete idiot as everyone makes fun of your ugly kit, but in a nice way, and in a way that you know it’s all in good fun because it’s just cycling, nothing serious, nothing real, nothing that really matters.

      And of course I’ll forgive you. ‘Cause I’m just that way.

      • Matt says:

        It’s interesting…an apparent mutual friend, Rick Kent, suggested you’d be in for a good debate but, sadly, you’re just a cranky, sniveling shell of a man who likes to say “fuck” a lot and lob ad hominem attacks at someone you don’t even know. Well, props to you, asshole…

        “Cynical, grizzled, road-hardened men and women?” Well, I’ll grant you cynical. But you’re also quite clearly a collective of burnt-out, past-their-prime (if there ever was a prime for any of you) crybabies participating in an astonishing circle-jerk of a bitchfest because someone had the audacity to suggest the sport could be better, rather than sit back and accept the status quo.

        What you fail to capture–because you’re much more intent on being a dick and patting your like-minded monkeys on the back–is that I’m under absolutely no delusion that the world is a nasty, brutish place. And I didn’t have to read this shit rag you call a blog to come by that information. Just like I expect that this response will be met by you with another profanity-laced gripe about what a rusty nail you are and how I don’t know shit, I also expect people to cheat. I know there are likely guys at every race, from the local Thursday crit to the national calendar events, that are doping. And, yeah, I could take your position and say, “Ah, fuck it. Who cares…it’s just a meaningless race in a cul-de-sac sport.” However, I choose not to subscribe to your dim view of the world and do or say nothing. It’s people who share your shitty attitude that help prevent any meaningful change. That’s why I’m an advocate for stricter testing as well as prosecution through the civil justice system about which you seem to think I know nothing.

        I don’t know what’s caused you to be such a cunt. Maybe your wife is ugly as sin and your children refer to you as “my dickhead daddy.” Maybe you keep getting passed up for that big promotion at whatever dead-end job you work for the pittance you earn that prevents you from paying for race fees and gas with more comfort. Or maybe you just don’t get nearly as much coitus as you claim. What I do know is that I’ve never been forced to trade “what is right” for “money.” And I don’t have to be a whiny pussy about it because, to be perfectly frank, I’ve earned plenty of the latter by consistently doing the former.

        While we’re at it, shit for brains, you made quite a few other gross mischaracterizations about me. I’m not even going to get into the “lie to Jesus” or “picketing military funerals” comments other than to say that you couldn’t be any further from the truth, not that you care to know. It’d be a shame for you to actually consider information that doesn’t match up to your completely retarded perspective. But that claim that I’m a “fucking hyprocrite” because I’m “like those assholes who want to crack down on crime, but who also vote to cut the police salaries, overtime, and pensions”? Hate to break it to you, douchebag, but I’d be the last to complain about added costs for registration and licensing if it helped clean up the sport a little more. That’s your problem: because you personally have to scrape to pay your dues you apparently think all of us ought to be comfortable with the shitty circumstances of other people doping. And, hey, that’s fine. But launching into an acerbic diatribe against someone with a different viewpoint is a pretty fucking childish move for someone who proclaims to know so much about adulthood.

        On that note, I’ve already wasted more of my time than I ever cared to spend with you and your ilk. Go on with your miserable, crotchety existences, lying to yourselves that you’re happy believing the world is a miserable place with no hope for redemption or betterment. And go right on ridiculing me…I know it’s coming but couldn’t care less because, at the end of the day, just as cycling isn’t really among the serious stuff in this world, you also don’t count for shit.

      • Admin says:

        Har! What a fucktard! Come out and ride with us sometime!

    • Steve says:

      ” But the fact is, doping makes it easy to accomplish something difficult…”

      I’m surprised the proprietor missed this. This complete, unmitigated, ignorant, stupid bullshit. That somehow, some way, doping means you don’t have to do any work.

      What a complete fucktard.

  • Self says:

    Yeah but you got to admit Matt is onto something with his trenchant observation that you are a disservice to the sport. Not that a cul de sac can be serviced in any other way. It is great though that Vaughters came out about using dope cause he could not get a prom date. Of course he couldn’t , why if he caught a couple doing it in the coat closet he would rat them out. Guys who use drugs sometimes quit whereas rats are always looking for the next sucker they can sell out.

  • Roberto Pascani says:

    I will only address one of Matts comments, since you seem to have pretty much covered them all. “Doping makes it easy to accomplish something difficult”. No stupid, it doesn’t. I could have taken every performance enhancing drug known to man, and I couldn’t have beaten Lance Armstrong. And i’m good at this sport. Doping does not make the difference between 1st and 100th place. If you have 2 people, that are close to even ability, and they both train as hard as they can, then performance enhancing drugs can make a difference. A person with the talent of a domestique, could take EPO everyday, and he couldn’t beat a grand tour champion. Learn something about cycling, before you start making stupid comments.

    • Admin says:

      Ha, exactly! What a fucking dope! Let’s all take EPO and win the Tour…idiot.

      Thanks for the sunbeam of reality. Hopefully he’s slithered off to a different blog by now, where they polish each other’s knobs and bemoan how they’d be UCI pros if it weren’t for all the dopers. Sheesh.

  • Albacore says:

    Damn, I live in a cul-de-sac, guess I’m fucked. I remember when I was younger, as my mom was battling cancer, seeing little boxes of Erythropoietin in the bathroom. I had no idea what it was. Several years later Pharmstrong would win his first tour. If only I had been wise enough to capitalize on my mom’s cancer before Lance would. My childhood dreams were never that great; maybe doping would have allowed my dreams to grow bigger. Not like that big ol’ penis, but the big ol’ muffs I was lusting over in my dad’s Playboys.

  • Roberto Pascani says:

    Don’t know what you guys are talking about, i’ve lived most of my childhood dreams, and have no regrets. Well, except maybe I could have used more drugs. Because according to Matt, since I was that guy that finished 100th, I could have won the Tour de France. Or maybe I should have muffled my dreams, with some really nice boobs. Yep, that sounds like a lot more fun. LOL.

  • I won’t and can’t make any claim to purity (anyone who’s read Ten Points knows I admit to being a moral mess—and not much of a bike rider, besides), but I wanted to point out that I’ve taken loads of shit from all sides of this for accusing Lance of doping (enraging the pro-Lance people) but not turning on him (enraging the anti-Lance people).

    In that cover story when I say that I know Lance doped, I write:

    “I thought I’d stop being a fan, hate him too much to appreciate him. That’s what we’re told, that we must either admire him or alternately despise and pity him. And I do: I admire him and despise him and pity him—for the years of lying as much as the cheating—and I’m enraged and morose, and I think he owes us something and he should just disappear, and I could keep going like this and some days have.”

    And, later:

    “We live in a different age, one that may not allow the forgiveness of Lance Armstrong, that may hold him to be the creator rather than the product of the era he reigned over. We might even judge this champion’s cheating and lying too vile to permit the remembrance of the part of him that, even now, convinced that he doped to win the Tour, I can’t stop being a fan of: the plain fact that he was, as even his bitter enemy Floyd Landis told me when we spoke last year, ‘a badass on a bike.’ ”

    Anyway . . . always appreciate your take, no matter what.

    Bill

    • Admin says:

      Well, no one will ever accuse you of not checking the cars parked outside the bar! Very savvy and diplomatic comment. Props! Plus, I overdrew my vitriolic screed account yesterday and have to dial it back a bit.

      Holler the next time you’re out here and raring for a beatdown.

  • Mike says:

    Har! “The Kardashians”

    Breathe, Wanky, or you’ll have to go steal your neighbor’s blood pressure meds!

    And, it’s “cul-de-slackers”…or, at least, it should be.

  • off-roadie says:

    “If you dope in some big stage race and make millions as a cancer survivor while viciously destroying the lives and careers of people who call you a doper…that’s different. That’s evil.”

    “Life is a nasty, brutish affair that ends horribly for everyone. No exceptions. It’s like the first time a young woman sees a big ol’ penis and gets told, “This is going in there.” Whoa! Major childhood dream massacre! Why should bicycle chasers be exempt from harsh reality? Answer: They shouldn’t be, and they aren’t.”

    So, is it evil, or is it just the way life is?

    • Admin says:

      What LA did and continues to do is evil. He cheated, he got caught, and then he mercilessly set out to ruin the people who called him a cheater.

      On the other hand, making your choices, taking your lumps when they’re bad ones, and manning up for the eventual nasty demise that awaits us all is morally neutral. It’s just the way life is, which, by the way, is a nice way of putting it.

      Also, when you start quoting me back to myself, it’s very distressing. It not only shows that you’re reading this blog carefully (a terrible thing on many levels), but worse, that I’m going to be held accountable for all the nonsense. Gulp.

  • Hwy. 39 says:

    I’m going way out on a limb here, but my guess is that the US attorneys, the USADA investigators, the WADA gestapo and the holier-than-thou types that scream “HE CHEATED” all have one thing in common: their first job in life was Hall Monitor.

    To the aforementioned list of sanctimonious busy-bodies: Did Dopestrong cheat? Yup. Did your crack investigators and scientists “catch” him cheating at the time? Nope. What about a couple, maybe four years later? Nope.

    Congratulations! You “caught” him 13 years after he first won the TdF (allegedly the start of the vast conspircy) and seven years after he last won the TdF that you seek to strip from him. The statute of limitations for most Federal crimes is five years. What gives the goverment funded doping “police” the right to look back so far into the past, farther than even the very real FBI and DOJ? (And don’t even get me started on letting USADA get access to sealed grand jury testimony; didn’t a private lawyer go to jail for leaking that in the Barry Bonds case?)

    Dopestrong got over on you. Get over it. And get over yourselves while you’re at it.

  • […] such blog was so filled with vitriol and greatness that I have to reference it. The dressing down the […]

  • Chris says:

    Thank you for a dose of fucking reality. I am especially thankful someone finally pissed in the purity pool of racing.

    And while we are protecting the dream of kids that want to race bikes, why don’t we protect the dream of ugly girls that want to be actresses but are too prude to fuck the producer.

    Back to crybabies, though, what the fuck did any doped up racer ever steal from you? Chances are you were fucking entertained when you watched the race and every July for you is filled with yellow hard-ons.

    When LA is formally convicted, what the fuck will you win?

    • Admin says:

      Same thing I win in every bike race. A big, fat fistful of NOTHING! [Except for the $20 I got out of the team combine at the Torrance crit when a couple of our dudes placed in the money.]

    • Admin says:

      “Every July for you is filled with yellow hard-ons.” Classic!

  • […] Heeeeere’s Johnny! « Cycling in the South Bay: That’s like those dorks who say they want to win the lottery so they can make the world a better place. Next time you see them, they’re broke, drunk in a gutter, and covered in venereal sores. Athletes hate fairness. They want an edge, a leg up, a lighter bike, faster wheels, cyanide in their opponent’s coffee, anything to get ahead of the competition. Cycling was a cheat-filled sport long before EPO, and it will be one long after. […]

  • Evan says:

    cul-de-sac is right. Why are juniors so strongly encouraged to take up this sport? “To learn the value of hard work” — bullshit. All they learn is that the genetic lottery trumps all, that you must cheat to win (if a race doesn’t require cheating, it probably “doesn’t matter”), that it pays to be as lazy as possible and then steal the credit at the last possible moment. Is there any evidence that the juniors which put the rest of their life on hold to pursue their insane dreams amount to more than those who stick to their studies? You know, the ones who put in hours chasing pursuits that are actually quite unenjoyable and have absolutely no chance for glory?

    JV is the new Michael Jackson. His childhood was stolen! watch out chipotle boys…

    • Admin says:

      He and OJ are on a mission to find the killer of his childhood dreams. Stay tuned.

      And as Willie once sang, “Momma, don’t let your babies grow up to be cyclists.”

      BTW, nice solo effort this morning on the last half-lap on the Parkway this morning! The wankers were in full panic-chase mode!

  • You ever seen the Coen brother’s movie “Miller’s Crossing?” I think JV just gave everyone else in cycling the ‘high-hat’.

  • Fantastic analysis. Got me thinking so much that I had to reference it…..

  • ICouldnt Resist says:

    so, you are condoning doping, then?

    • Admin says:

      I don’t condone cheating.

      • ICouldnt Resist says:

        I realize JV and his team are not perfect people, but he is at least working to make the sport better now (or at least I believe he is, if it is all a trick I look forward to burning him at the stake). Whereas you seem rather lenient towards Sir Lancealot, who worked tirelessly to keep the sport dirty, and still does. This causes you to condone cheating, even if you don’t mean to. Which is too bad because I love you otherwise. =)

      • Admin says:

        I think Lance is a liar and a cheat. I think he harmed a lot of people. I think he’s a douchebag.

        But it’s still just bicycle racing, which is a crack within a niche within microfissure within a cult.

        Love you, too!

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