It’s so daaaaaaaaaangerous!

September 14, 2012 § 37 Comments

It finally happened. A frightened and outraged participant called out the New Pier Ride for its reckless, dangerous, traffic-law-violating, scofflaw ways. It appears that as the pack was flying down the hill on Vista del Mar to the light at Grand, “1/3 of the pack” rolled through the red light.

Wankomodo, in the back 2/3, the light stone red, and motorists with the right of the way staring at a green light as a mob of bikers roared by, called out “slowing” with twelvedy-nine speeding riders behind him. Then, to avoid getting rear-ended, he pulled a right to “wait out the light.”

Wankomodo duly noted that he “has seen some sketchy and dangerous behavior by NPR riders,” but proudly said that he “tries his best not to be one of them.” In addition to “pissing off motorists,” this dangerous behavior “makes cyclists look bad.”

Some of the folks behind this sudden stop-and-swerve maneuver voiced their displeasure with verbiage familiar to flailing wankers everywhere after a bonehead move: “You fucking asshole! What the fuck are you doing?” and similar sentiments were duly expressed. Wankomodo was offended, and let everyone know that if he was going to get “bitched at for riding safe and obeying the law on the NPR” then “the NPR is not for me.”

After this manifesto, Wankomodo then went on to question himself. “Was I wrong to call out ‘slowing’ and stop at the traffic signal?” More importantly, he begged for confirmation that this type of behavior was not “condoned” on Big Orange team rides. After all, Wakomodo reminded us, he has a family that relies on him and he didn’t need to take any more risks with motorists than he already does.

A heartfelt thanks to Wankomodo

See, there I was wondering all day what I was gonna blog about, and bing, Wankomodo delivered this gem, pre-cut and polished and already set in the 14-karat band. It’s folks like him that make writing easy and fun!

So, let’s get down to business.

First: Were you wrong to slam on your brakes, screech “Slowing!” as you slam a hard right turn at the light, and scare the bejesus out of fifty other idiots just because you had a chickenshit brainfart?

Answer: No. Given the fact that you were in the back 2/3 of the wankoton, what you did was perfectly acceptable. That’s what the back 2/3 is for, so idiots like you can ‘tard out and kill other numbskulls who couldn’t handle a bike safely even if it was bolted to the floor.

However, if you’d pulled that shit in the front 1/3, we would have jerked you off your fucking bike and drop-kicked your sorry ass into the urine and poop processing pools along Vista del Mar, because that’s the kind of shit that gets people killed. Don’t ever slam on your fucking brakes in the middle of a fast moving pack, doorknob.

Second: Does Big Orange condone this kind of behavior?

Answer: Who gives a rat’s ass what Big Orange condones? They’re not the ride police. They’re a local group of wankers just like the rest of us, and if you’d pulled that bullshit in front of the Big O dudes and chicks I know they would have given you a what-for. The NPR is a big old group ride, which is longhand for “clusterfuck,” where the goofballs hang on at the back for dear life and those who want to live another day strive might and main to be near the front or, Dog forbid, on it.

Third: It’s daaaaaaaangerous on these big group rides, isn’t it?

Answer: Yeah, fuddlefuck, it is. Group rides like this are a great way to get seriously injured or killed. If you’re not taken out by some moron slamming on his brakes in the middle of an intersection, chances are you’ll be smushed by a big yellow maintenance truck on the Parkway.

Group rides are really fucking dangerous because they incorporate idiots like you with UCI pros with flub-happy in-line skaters with bone idling wankers on training wheels. Throw into the mix ten score of pissed off morning commuters, sun in your eyes, wet roads, oncoming traffic, badly timed lights, weaving in and out of traffic, cutting off oncoming trucks at the turnarounds, rocks, glass, debris, flats, overlapped wheels, equipment failure, panic attacks, cracks in the road, howling wind, and lummoxes going 35 mph with their heads staring straight down and you’ve got a recipe for serious injury.

The Pier Ride has been around for over 30 years, and people have gotten every sort of awful injury as a result. Just this year one guy broke his hip, a chick hit the curb with her head, Bumpngrind fell down in a turn, and there have been about twelve gazillion near-sprunt deaths.

Get it? These things are stupid and deadly and make no sense at all, like cycling itself. That’s why we do them.

Fourth: Should we be concerned about pissing off motorists?

Answer: Yes, just like we should be concerned about world peace, the third round of Quantitative Easing, and whether the left hand really does feel like a different person.

But you know what? When you have a zillion idiots barreling through a light, and all the traffic is stopped letting us go through, there’s a certain number of motorists who are just going to be pissed and hate our guts and have to go to their shitty jobs and complain about it while we get to spend our morning riding our bikes. Life sucks to be them.

Plus, what the fuck are you, Ambassador at Large for the Cycling Public? Cyclists, like motorists, are 9 parts idiot to 1 part skilled. Why are you so fucking concerned about pissing off motorists, who already hate you anyway? Why not be concerned about them pissing us off?

Fifth: Is the NPR just a bunch of scofflaw traffic-law violators?

Answer: Since you admit to running stop signs and lights “when no one’s around,” as if that makes it legal, I guess you sort of answered your own question. If you want to play Polly Patrolman or Harry Hall Monitor, it’s going to take a lot of time and effort. Why not spend it “Just Saying No” to the third helping of sugar donuts, and get strong enough so that you can stay up front and let the rearguard fend for itself? We’re all adults out here, even Prez, and no one gets up at 5:00 AM to be nagged at by some wankhappy newbie who belatedly realized that the pavement is hard and that oncoming traffic weighs slightly more than a carbon bike and lycra bodysuit.

Sixth: Should you be taking these risks since your family relies on you?

Answer: It’s refreshing to hear that of the 150+ people who regularly do the NPR, we finally have one whose family depends on him. The rest of us have families, but they don’t give a rat’s ass if we live or die, or what happens to us. That’s why we bike all the time.

The answer, of course, is “No.” You shouldn’t be taking these risks. In fact, you shouldn’t be taking any at all, you big pussy. Starting tomorrow, when the alarm goes off, stay in bed. Your risks will plummet dramatically.

If you do have to get out of bed (avoid the dangerous shower!), please don’t ride your bike. LA County roads are the site of numerous deaths and countless bike-car accidents every year. Cycling is dangerous. Cycling on roads is dangerous. Cycling with other idiots is dangerous. Cycling with cars is super duper dangerous. Cycling down dirt trails is dangerous (trees hurt!). Cycling without brakes or gears is dangerous. And most of all, being an idiot who slams on his brakes in the middle of a fast moving pack on a downhill is dangerous beyond any fucking description.

Which leads to the final question…

Seventh: Although you’ve been cycling for 25 years, since you’re new to the “fast group ride thing,” is this the norm for all group rides?

Answer: Dude, saying you’ve been riding for 25 years but have never done fast group rides is like saying you’ve been jacking off for 25 years but haven’t ever used your penis. Fast group rides all  have several common elements. I’ve listed them below for easy reference.

  1. They are flat fucking crazy scary deadly and dangerous.
  2. Wankers like you are the prime reason they’re so dangerous.
  3. If you want to ride with other idiots, you have to chance death and mayhem. The legal term in California is ASSUMPTION OF THE RISK. Memorize it.
  4. Group rides won’t make you faster or fitter.
  5. Group rides will teach you survival skills.
  6. Group rides will help you make friends even if you’re a total kook, although it will take longer.
  7. Group rides have the best offering of post-ride lies and “Didja see me?” tall tales.
  8. Group rides have the hottest chicks with the cutest butts.
  9. Group rides are where you can have some chick like Suze crack your nuts in half and remind you how much you suck.
  10. Group rides are terrifying beyond belief.
  11. Group rides are where you bond with other living, breathing, mostly human beings. They’re the opposite of solo ego-fapping Strava jagoffs.
  12. Group rides are where, if you stick it out and pay attention and follow the right wheels, you may actually, one day, learn how to ride your fucking bike.

Hope this helps!

Wankmeister

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§ 37 Responses to It’s so daaaaaaaaaangerous!

  • ken hillier says:

    Chapeau to you ..wot a ripper post ! On the whole go hard or go home mentallity..I love the comment regarding why bother about worrying about upsetting motorists who are gonna be hating you any way …group rides are an excellent way to get a work out ..if you don’t mind hard work and getting dropped and keeping your wits about you for the dickheads ..sounds just like real life don’t it?

    • Admin says:

      I’ll be keeping my eye out for plain, unmarked packages emitting a ticking sound!

      Thanks for the props!

      • ken hillier says:

        No worries ..if you are ever in Australia check out ..the Hell Ride in Melbourne. Every Saturday. From black rock on beach road at 7_30 ..fwaar ..that will clear out your sinuses then ..

      • Admin says:

        See? And if the Aussies are doing it, they’re doing it better than everyone else!

  • Douggie says:

    Thanks Wanky, thoughtful insights. I happened to be right behind wankmodo when he and counterpart from swankypalace decided to stop. There was no yelling of slowing faced with the decision of flying solo through the intersection and possible broadsiding of on coming traffic I opted for the only slightly less dangerous stopping and getting rammed. Fortunately all were ok and yes I was explaining what a f-in stupid move it was to split the pack at 30mph.

    • Admin says:

      Hopefully he takes all this personally, gets his thong twisted, writes a nasty reply justifying himself and castigating me, and comes back anyway. It’s just cycling!

      Thanks for the clarification!

  • cmparrish says:

    Thanks, WM – If you think you scared me away from my dream of getting fast enough to ride these ass crazy group rides, you failed. I am still working my way to riding with WM and having something really shitty written about me, but I hope not for doing something stupid like this fucking idiot! I have only ridden in the baby group with La Grange on Fridays – and being new to group road rides, I now pay attention to what the skilled riders are doing and not doing – You are all fucking crazy and dangerous on those rides, exactly why I hope to join you some time — It’s pretty obvious group riding keeps you paying the fuck attention, working your ass off to get dropped, then go to coffee and lie and talk about people – What else do we go to work for every day?
    Fuck the cars. You are correct, they hate us anyway, no matter what we do. So what if the cars wait a few minutes or miss a light. They are jealous they are fat and cannot ride a bike.
    When I lived in New Orleans, cars often drive on, running through the red light, (not yelling “slowing” -) sometimes until the green light turned red again! They call this a Coonass parade ! New Orleans and the fuck bugs that eat paint off your car, and driving coonasses, humidity, flying cockroaches,
    Maybe that wanker should try riding in some other state – where drivers do more than simply hate you!

  • The group is an entity – so if the first riders have a green light, everyone follows. I’ve done some crazy shit on my bike, the scariest (after the fact) was crossing a RR X-ing with a train coming at us, fast, but I stayed with the front group… We all just sort of slalomed through the barriers where half the pack stopped and got dropped. Point 8 makes me wanna come and ride there even more ;-) See you soon !

  • pickled radish says:

    “jerking off without using your penis”, that’s the very definition of a group ride ain’t it?

  • Attila says:

    …I need to Print, Frame, and Hang this article on the wall in my bedroom! One of the best one of yours WM! What you said is so fucking true, and the below comment is priceless:
    Group rides are where you can have some chick like Suze crack your nuts in half and remind you how much you suck.
    Peace…

  • A-Trav says:

    Most aptly put.

  • off-roadie says:

    I really don’t agree with you this time. Yes, the left hand does feel like a different person, but it lacks the necessary coordination and could easily result in a serious injury or possibly even death. Better to get the job done safely and quickly so you can get to the group ride on time and risk your life there.

  • Usta Befit says:

    I always use red lights to attack…stopping in the middle of any group ride is a good way to get speared or send some of your buddies over the bars into oncoming traffic….good thing I slept in as I LIVE in the back & I can promise you that Wankomodo would not want my fat ass plowing into to him @ 30 MPH….he would need much more than a blood test after I rear-ended him.

    • Admin says:

      Yeah, and there are the Fussies chilling at the back who can steer around a fucking sinkhole and bomb blast crater and falling piano and never hit the brakes!

  • frankendave1 says:

    Seth…you did it again. I had to pick up my eyeballs off the floor from laughing so hard… My favorite line was one of the summaries “Get it? These things are stupid and deadly and make no sense at all, like cycling itself. That’s why we do them.”…..PRICELESS!

  • Packmonger says:

    Great Post..you summed up my sentiments on the subjects perfectly…if you can’t stand the heat, stay out the phuckin kitchen..pussypants.

  • Pack Chum says:

    WM, I don’t agree with you. The riders that made the choice to stop may not have made the right choice, but the riders at the front of the pack that blew through a very red light may not have made the right choice either. I have seen some of the best riders on the NPR make stupid, stupid decisions, so mistakes are not reserved those of us that may be “tarding out” in the back 2/3rds of the pack. Everyone got stopped safely though, and the only one who made a huge deal of it was Doug. We caught back on just fine and had an otherwise normal NPR.Castigating a rider for making a choice doesn’t make for good blogging, it makes all people who do fast group rides seem like assholes. Fast group riding is not the ne plus ultra for every cyclist, just some of us. At the rate people get wasted on the NPR, we have to have fresh blood to keep it interesting.

    • Admin says:

      I don’t seem like an asshole…I AM an asshole!

      You’ve taken me seriously, or partly seriously, which has led to some questionable conclusions on your part.

      HOWEVER!!

      This dude was pissed and vented in an email, so he can’t be too surprised to learn that that the information superhighway goes in both directions.

      Fast group rides, slow group rides, solo rides, racing, thinking about rides…The ride is inside you.

      My take home is that despite the stupidity and danger of the group ride, we should still try to ride as safely as circumstances permit, and not hesitate to call out stupid moves. If that means one day you’re the caller-out, the next day the wanker, so be it. I’ve made my share of bonehead moves and will make them in the future as well, but the nature of the group ride beast is that it’s sketchy at best. I’ve never found that it’s related to the composition of the group, so much as it is the number of riders, which unfortunately also seems to correlate to the fun, for some at least.

      Anyway, no one got hurt except for the tender sensibilities of the yellee.

  • Pack Chum says:

    Now, that I agree with. I have also noticed a correlation between “slowing down” for the off-season, with an increase in the number of bone-headed manuevers/crashes.

  • drbeachbum says:

    Sorry Wanky you lost me on this one. Looks less like a lesson and more like an opportunity to bully. Is that what the blog has always been? Perhaps so, but then I guess I’m done being part of crowd snickering from the sidelines while the Big Dwag pushes the new guy into the mud. I suppose you’ll rip me a new one. Oh well. Happy Trails.

  • Albacore says:

    Castigation (-ing)? If I masturbate with my right hand then do I castigate with my left?

  • Wankomodo says:

    Wow, WM. I am touched that you would spend so much time to write such a well thought out blog entry about yours truly. I guess I got my paddling and now I am a full member of the fraternity of Wankers.

    BTW, thanks for the kick-ass nick name!

    All the best,
    Wankomodo

    P.S. is it too late to get that nickname printed on my NPR jersey?

  • Wankatier #Dos says:

    Wankateir #Dos – aka -“counterpart from swankypalace”-aka- Noticed WM was part of incident, stayed quiet with head down as to garner no attention and avoid being primary subject of inevitable blog to come.

    You guys get so cute when you’re mad, watching “frightened and outraged participant” yell at us while
    flailing his fingers as tho making an earnest attempt to finger me from afar was a genuine turn on. And although my spandex began to stretch in all the righ…..wrong places, I do see the error in my ways and promise to only do it again if horny and in dire need of a left-handed swank-off. 

    lol… Nice article, thanks for not noticing me…much.

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