Wankmeister goes Hollywood…kicking and screaming and suing the whole damned way

January 15, 2013 § 20 Comments

G3 told me on the Donut Ride a few weeks back that one of his Hollywood producer friends followed this blog and might get in touch to retain me as a “consultant.”

This was intended to flatter me, which it did, so I told G3 that his friend was a thieving fucking douchebag, and the only reason any Hollywood anything reads so much as the wall in a public toilet is to steal it and plagiarize it to a fare thee well.

“Not my friend!” protested G3. “He’d never rip you off!” Then G3 paused. “But his partner sure would.”

So, like Douchestrong’s confession, it was PREDICTED HERE FIRST: Now, get ready for the pilot TV show based on Cycling in the South Bay, followed by the mother of all copyright infringement lawsuits.

G3, is your Hollydouche producer hosebag listening? If he steals so much as a fucking indefinite article from these hallowed columns of honeyed prose and sparkling dialogue, he’ll find himself on the reaming end of more ass-lashing litigation than there are dickstomps on a cold, wet, windy NPR.

Next blog post: Sensitive, warm, thoughtful cycling poem.

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§ 20 Responses to Wankmeister goes Hollywood…kicking and screaming and suing the whole damned way

  • Brian Allman says:

    the rant above leaves me questioning whether to keep reading this blog…not sure what if anything caused your take on the Hollywood connection but it has little if anything to do with cycling…

    • Admin says:

      Prophylactic warning to would-be thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves, Hollywood producers, or both.

      However, there’s lots better reading than this on the Internet! Seek, my son, and you shall find (with minimal effort, too).

      PS: Check out http://www.cyclismas.com.

      PPS: You might try unwinding that giant knot in your panties while you’re at it!

  • dan martin says:

    I can see it now…something like a cross between mooshiners meets call of the wildman!

  • leo says:

    a dozen Go Pros, a lil editing and voila,
    There goes Wanky Boo Boo.

  • bill stevenson says:

    Like Lance, I feel the need to make a little confession here.Sometimes I force my spouse to listen while I read my favorite lines from your posts. She might be faking it but she too seems amused. And you get nothing for that…
    Whew. Felt good to get that off my chest!

  • cmparrish says:

    Sometimes I cannot tell when Wankmeister is serious or joking. Usually it does not matter, I am always learning something and/or being entertained in some way. However, in this case, I am piping in: “YO, yeah, you, fucking douchebag rich hollywood bozo, you better pay attention here, because if you do one thing illegal to WM, you’ll be one sorry fuck

    (Knowing attorneys my entire career) –” well, trust me, jerk-blog thief, don’t screw with the WM”

    WM – if you need a pro bono court reporting if anybody fucks with you, I know someone!

    Furthermore, I wish I got this kind of attention for beating cancer. And I seriously doubt I am the only survivor out there wondering why he gets to get rich off all this bullshit. I am really sorry he got cancer, but his chemo treatments were nothing like the high-does chemo and two bone marrow transplants for cancer #2, multiple myeloma, and six months to live ( doctors said, if I was lucky) I endured, all alone and broke and uninsured. I beat cancer twice and not cancer of the same nature. I was a single mother, full-time student, and, again, not a pot to piss in, with no medical insurance. I had to put on my boxing gloves and fight the American medical system, begging for help and food stamps. I could not afford a wig or a prothesis, for $83.00. I went bankrupt during those years of fighting, begging, and crying for someone to just treat me for the cancer. Frankly, I am just sick of this whole mess. Yes, of course, so what, he rides a bike a little faster than I do! He is one hell of an athlete, but with or without drugs? I have no clue.
    And he is rich and famous now. Shit, I am just working on getting fast enough to ride the Wheat Grass Ride. Lance and his lack of telling the truth and being the cancer hero is just pissing me off! He is not a cancer hero in my eyes, period. I don’t feel sorry for him. His ban should not be lifted. He cheated, end of his story.

    The last few days I spent feeling pretty happy. Not sure why. But I suddenly remembered the very moment I was told (the first time) I had cancer, when I woke up in the hospital all blurry eyed – MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER IN THAT VERY MOMENT – I WAS NEVER THE SAME, for better or worse. That was breast cancer. That was 24 years ago. I am grateful that, so fa, it has been some years of my “forever” – I have spent the last 24 years of my life in fear of cancer returning and being at the mercy of Medi-care – I am sorry, Seth, this did not start out to be about me. very sorry – but Lance does not fucking deserve this much money, attention and fame for using ‘cancer’ and drugs, and dishonesty to become FAMOUS –

    I remember once Seth had written me and inquired, with some serious sensitivity, curious about how cancer survivors felt about Lance. I did not have much to say at that time, but I obviously do now.

    I remember writing the Oprah show a few times through the years – never even a response. I hope he stays in remission and I hope I do too. I am not jealous I don’t have his bank account. I just feel there are many other cancer fighters with stories of real and honest hope, people who have struggled with no medical care, no nurses, NO MONEY – it’s not even the same world, IMO, fighting cancer with and without money. Dang, I better go on a bike ride and get a grip. Just getting more angry at this man.

    I wonder how Lance Armstrong would feel if he had to wait in a food stamp and welfare line for hours, alone and crying, not caring about losing his “testicles” but how about: is there anybody out there to cut them off and give him medical care so he could be alive to take care of his child? Sorry to be so judgmental, Lance, but it’s too late for your “I am sorry” after so many years of denial and blatant lies.

    I have had many heros, most of them died in their 20s of cancer, but gave it a good licking. I have current heros like Mighty Mouse, Wankmeister,Tree, Amy, Louise, my daughter – honest heros, with hearts of gold and givers of love and truth.

    Sorry, Wanker, to get carried away – Dear Hollywood, for the last time, do fuck with the good guys! You will regret it.

    • Admin says:

      Wow. Thanks, Cheryl. That’s a perspective about Lance and cancer that should be splattered across every news show everywhere. Well said!

  • Liz says:

    Way to put it out there Cheryl. You have always been an ass kicking cyclist. From the moment you went OTB in Moab to hanging with the big guns on the road.
    Seth, fascinating read.

  • Hwy. 39 says:

    I’ll play Mr. Obvious: get a cut of the gross not the net. Wanky, the only thing worse than getting into bed with Hollywood producers is not getting into bed with them. If they think they can make a buck off of an idea, they’ll do it, whether you’re along for a cut of the money or not. If not for you, then do it to put that camry of yours out of its misery.

    Cheryl, if all the cheaters (and their enablers in the coaching and sanctioning ranks) were banned from cycling, professional cycling (including track, MTB and CX) would cease to exist.

    Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea. Give cycling the death penalty like SMU football. Kill the UCI and all the national sanctioning bodies. Cancel all the pro tour races and grand tours for four years, Cancel cycling at the Rio Olympics. Disband all the professional and national teams.

    Start new national sanctioning bodies and an international sanctioning body in 2016. Allow new teams to form in 2016. No one with any ties or even suspected ties to doping would be allowed to work for these entities.No, that’s not far enough; prior working experience in professional cycling would be an automatic disqualifier from employment with any new sanctioning bodies or teams. Start pro racing in 2017 with no riders from the doping era (entry in any pro race through 2012) allowed to compete. Implement a certified medical provider program. Pro riders would only be allowed to treated by medical professionals certified by the new international sanctioning body to keep the Dr. Ferrari’s out of the sport.

    In the interim, allow regional promoters to keep grass roots racing alive with WADA providing free testing of random grass roots events to the promoters.

    Once racing begins again with all the latest testing protocols, a positive test results in a lifetime ban. However, WADA’s heavy handedness would be reined in. Athletes would be innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt and their due process rights would be protected.

    This is obviously way over the top and no one has the authority to disband private teams or tell private companies, like the ASO, what to do. But if the UCI is killed and its responsibilities passed to WADA until a new sanctioning body was established in 2016, WADA and the new body could pass rules banning anyone from competing or working in the new professional ranks that continued with “professional” cycling activities after the disbanding of the UCI.

    I have never been a throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bath-water guy, but the sport is so corupt that it needs to be cleaned out like Dog cleaned out Sodom and Gomorrah.

  • crshnbrn says:

    This could be good; the show will need cyclists so a big break for Sbay cycling thespians. Where do we send our headshots? I volunteer for the obligatory crash scene.

  • Sidamo says:

    With your kimchee diet it has to be a Blazing Saddles remake?

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