Froome, mad after being sad, now happy

July 19, 2013 § 22 Comments

After his frightening brush with sadness on Monday’s rest day, Tour de France leader Chris Froome became very mad on Tuesday. Froome, angry about challenger Alberto Contador’s “dangerous” riding which forced him off his bike near the end of Tuesday’s 16th stage to Gap, was still stewing about the incident six hours later when he posted a tweet expressing his irritation.

“Yesterday I was really sad about all the volcano doping allegations,” said Froome. “But today I’m mad. Contador’s dangerous riding was really dangerous. It was extremely dangerous, so much so that I could have gotten really badly hurt. That just makes me mad.”

When it was pointed out that, generally speaking, two hundred cyclists crammed onto French roads no wider than a tampon while racing shoulder-to-shoulder downhill at speeds exceeding 100 kph was a fairly dangerous endeavor, Froome reacted angrily and with a lot of madness. “I have a right to be mad about this. I think Contador was taking too many risks and evidently he did go a little too fast, he couldn’t even control his own speed and crashed. That put me in danger.”

Spanish madly react to Froome’s anger

Contador rejected Froome’s concerns, appearing to be mad that Froome was mad at him. “He is, how you say in English, a big pussy? Is true, I made the crash in front of him going a little too much fast, no bueno. Now he’s crying about peligroso? It’s the bike racing. Que pussy.”

Soon-to-be-Sir David Brailsford, babysitter of Team Sky and curator of the team’s Hello Kitty collection, was also very mad, despite being sad only a day earlier. “This makes me mad. Chris could have lost the Tour. Do you know how mad he would have been then, not to mention getting very sad again? He has ridden an amazing race. The others should be giving up, not pushing the pace on the downhill and somehow trying to gain a time advantage which makes Chris awfully mad. We talked about this amongst ourselves, and the whole team was mad. Just really mad. Angry mad.”

Teammate Richie Porte, who is hardly ever mad, was hopping mad. “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more,” said Porte in his thick Australian accent that sounded like a cross between English and a throat disease. “G’day mate, shrimps on the barbie and all that. Just because I’m a banana bender don’t mean these bities ‘n bludgers can act like a bounce on me mate, eh?”

Froome goes from mad to happy after Thursday’s queen stage on l’Alpe d’Huez

Despite being sad, then mad, Froome found himself feeling happy after Team Sky released his power data to Dr. Professor Jacques Tati, the respected French physiologist and comic film director. According to Tati, “Froome’s power profiles show what we would expect within the range of a human with a V02 max that is at the limit of what is possible for a human, although suspect for a gangly insect, which he may well be.”

Froome was very happy to hear Tati’s analysis. “I’m really happy to hear Dr. Tati’s findings and his take on it, and basically to back us up and say that these performances are very good and strong, clean, sporting performances. I’m not mad anymore, and I forgive Alberto. I am happy now.”

Dr. Tati pointed out that he had not concluded that the performances were clean. “I only said he was normal for someone who is completely abnormal. Whether he is clean or not, who knows?”

British cycling public slowly getting happy

As Froome’s lock on the 2013 Tour looks unshakeable, the cynical, sad, mad, and fundamentally grumpy British public has slowly shown signs of being happy about Froome’s happiness.

Nigel Rathbone, a waiter at the famed “Warm Beer and Fish” pub, was guardedly happy. “I s’pose I’m happy, yeh, if it means we beat the French at something. Yeh. Why not, eh?”

Cloretha Clammonger, a charwoman in the City’s toney central district, was also potentially happy. “I reckon I could be ‘appy, I could. I’d rather be grumpy, but you know Chris is just a South African, which isn’t really English, right? Now if he was a right good Englishman, I s’pose I’d be ‘appier than a whore at a cardinal’s convention, I would.”

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§ 22 Responses to Froome, mad after being sad, now happy

  • Cat says:

    The wanker is Kenyan.

    • Admin says:

      Facts are not fun! That’s why I flunked chemistry. There was no room for ad-libbing, freestyling, riffing, it was all so set and fixed, also because I was lazy and never did my homework and slept in class. Isn’t Kenya part of South Africa, near the bridge between New Zealand and Australia? I didn’t do too well in geography, either.

      • R. C. White says:

        The bridge between South Africa and ‘Zealand(before they changed the name to boost property values) and Australia has been closed for some time seeing that the toll was too high and it was accidentally built in a sparsely populated area. Another example of inept bureaucracy.

      • Admin says:

        Those fukkin byoorokrats.

      • TheRaceRadio says:

        Nonsense. I had lunch on that bridge just a month ago with Froome and he told me he was clean. Now a bunch of CN sockpuppets are questioning my veracity. They say I’m fake because I say Froome is clean.

        I used to be friends with Armstrong too before … stuff happened with my wife. But that was a different bridge.

        At least Oprah believed me.

      • Admin says:

        Oprah has incredible truth sensors. I believe you, too.

  • New Girl says:

    Oh Wanky ~ your writing makes me HAPPY. Thank you,

  • Joe Camacho says:

    if you turn over data for the last two years and its exactly the same, does it not say you have been doing the same thing all along? Happy doping!

    • Hwy. 39 says:

      If you turn over data for the last two years and it’s exactly the same, you either fudged the data or you need to fire your coaches because you have not improved at all (despite riding on volcanoes). It also begs the question why isn’t Froomestrong a two-time defending Turdy France Champeen, I mean, if the data is the same and he’s having his way with the peloton this year, then he should have done the same in the past two years as well.

      I think Froomestrong’s “bonk” yesterday the second time up Alpe D’huez was faked to make it seem like he is not so dominant in the hopes that people will believe he’s clean.

      And what’s the big deal about volcanoes anyway. if I could drag my lard ass to the top of Haleakala, anybody can.

    • Admin says:

      Funny they stopped at two.

  • Mike quick says:

    :)

  • JP says:

    This makes me happy! Like seeing Froomies “look! I’m riding clean” faux-bonk. I was sad….but now I’m happy.

  • channel_zero says:

    I had to watch the stage twice to figure out what the heck was going on with all that back and forth.

    Froome dog tears off at the bottom like Ax3, shuts down, forgets where he is and orders food, has Porte going up and down the hill for snacks, and then apparently with Contador and Kreusiger(sp??) sorted out, takes another minute out of them.

    W..T..F…?

    BTW, Le Tour starts in Yorkshire in 2014. ASO bidding for the Tour of Britain too. (ToB owned by BC) Sky’s dominance is kind of handy for ensuring plenty of public money to fund it all.

    It reminds me of how Armstrong’s success was used to sell races into the U.S. Tour of Missouri, some stuff in San Fran, Colorado, CA.

    Keep up the good work. Stay young!

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