NPR Rules

October 9, 2013 § 32 Comments

Several baby seals, confused by the vicious clubbing and strewing of brain matter about the Parkway, have sent me emails requesting to know the “rules” by which the NPR is organized. Although the typical answer to such inquiries is a vicious blow to the head and skinning, I’ve decided to answer. Here they are.

  1. There are no rules.
  2. There is no off season.
  3. If you didn’t go to the front repeatedly until you aspirated your own shit, you didn’t do the NPR.
  4. First wanker to cross the plane of the starting point of the third island on the fourth lap wins.
  5. The group must obey all traffic laws.
  6. The break must break all traffic laws.
  7. If you are repeatedly towards the front but rarely on it, you are a baby seal, worthless except for clubbing.
  8. If you are towards the front and don’t pull through, you are a baby seal, worthless except for clubbing.
  9. If you won the sprunt and didn’t take at least five shit-aspirating pulls, you are a baby seal, worthless except for clubbing.
  10. Do not let your head droop, lest you become a baby seal, worthless except for clubbing.
  11. NPR is terrible training, therefore you must do it to win or to aspirate your own shit.
  12. One point for the win; most points by the annual South Bay Cycling Awards is crowned Champion of the NPR.
  13. The noblest NPR win is solo.
  14. The second noblest win is out of a break.
  15. The third noblest win is by beating another team’s leadout train.
  16. The most ignoble win is by following wheels.
  17. All wins are equal.
  18. On the NPR, Strava is for shit.
  19. Better to dig, blow, and get shelled than to follow and finish with the group.
  20. Everyone knows the wheelsucks.
  21. One all-out effort at the front equals an entire year of FB wheelsuckery.
  22. The nastier the weather, the greater the cred.
  23. The highest form of NPR-ism is pushing the weak when you’re gassed.
  24. Advice is better spoken than screamed with flecks of spit and snot dribbling around your mouth.
  25. No one forgets.
  26. NPR-ists always forgive.
  27. Thou shalt never brag about taking a pull. Those who matter saw it. Those who didn’t, think you’re a lying sack of shit.
  28. The only thing lower than a baby seal is a shrimpdick who chops a chick’s wheel.
  29. If you “join the group” after the bump up Pershing, you are a baby seal, worthless except for clubbing.
  30. If you reach World Way Ramp without having aspirated your own shit, you are a baby seal, worthless except for clubbing.
  31. When in doubt, go to the front.

That is all.

Tagged: , ,

§ 32 Responses to NPR Rules

  • Tyler says:

    I thought the first rule of NPR club(bing) was: you do not talk about NPR club…I must be confusing it with some other club.

  • lisa says:

    Love it, especially #27!

  • dan martin says:

    Long live rule #3

  • dan martin says:

    Who knew aspirating on ones own shit could be fun!

    • Winemaker says:

      I need another post from WM so I can understand what ‘aspirating on one’s own shit” means…orat least “aspirating”.

      • fsethd says:

        This is where you breathe so hard, it sucks the shit up out of your own bowels into your mouth, and then, in swallowing it, you choke, almost to death.

  • Arkansas Traveler says:

    Dig. Pop. Shelled. Rinse and repeat.

  • Stefanovich says:

    32. front
    33. front
    34. front

    hahaha!

  • chriscainlaw says:

    I once wrote a similar email to my team group. For a little background, our Sat ride has a hill that breaks off the weak. Usually one 1/3 of the field stays with the front group. Many who could not make the climb cut the course and rejoin for the last 15 miles and final sprint.

    In my email I said three things to the course cutters: If you do cut the course, make sure you pull through, close gaps, and lead out the sprint.

    Here was a response:

    “Hi I think it’s time to take me off this list, because this is probably one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever read.
    You do realize that this is a training ride and that it means absolutely nothing. I guess it goes to show who and who doesn’t have something to prove. Time to shut up and ride.”

    That was months ago. I took the man off our list and have not made eye contact since then.

    • fsethd says:

      Anyone who does not understand that the training ride pretty much validates our entire existence is a fucktard who doesn’t deserve to be on any list except the one that starts with “Shit.”

  • RC White says:

    Wait, I’m confused. Aren’t we all “WINNING”?!?!?!?

  • Hwy. 39 says:

    I love living vicariously through your blog. I would love to have the experience of riding the NPR, but I know that even riding so hard that I aspirate my shit (which I’ve done btw), I would never be able to keep up enough to be even a worthless baby seal wheel sucker. Hell, I’d probably get dropped in the alley of death. Love the blog Wanky.

    • fsethd says:

      The great thing about the blog is that it allows me to invent things that never happened, such as hard training rides. Even the feeble, lame, sick, elderly, and newborn can keep up on the NPR. And the ones that can’t, cut the course, hop back in, and act as clogstacles in the sprunt. So, you could certainly do it.

  • channel_zero says:

    If I may summarize borrowing heavily from the Holy Hand Grenade scene.

    Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine group to tiny bits, in thy mercy.
    First thou attack the group as fast as thy will and body allows.
    Then thou must go to the front some more never seeking shelter amongst the wheel suckers.
    Taking turns on the front shall be the the way. Thou shalt not suck wheel.
    Following wheels shalt not be the way to ride NPR.
    Excepting when thy will and body slows, that shalt pull and pull with all thy might.
    Strava is right out.
    Once the body slows and pulling at the front is no more, thou shalt not suck wheels to cleverly remain in the first group.
    If the finish appears, thou shalt not suck wheel to pip at the line. Lobbest thy self with all your heart straight at it. Thou shalt not stray from thy line.

  • brad0108 says:

    i just cant wait to be a baby seal so i can get clubbed lovingly around the head and shoulders.

  • Carl Frushon says:

    Ahh…Monty Pythonism’s

    Scene 3 – Lap 4 after the final turn

    Wankmeister: Bring out yer dead!
    Wanker with a Wheelsucker: Here’s one.
    Wankmeister: Nine pence.
    Baby Seal: I’m not dead.
    Wankmeister: What? To the front then!
    Wanker with a Wheelsucker: Nothing. There’s your nine pence.
    Baby Seal: I’m not dead!
    Wankmeister: ‘Ere, he says he’s not dead.
    Wanker with a Wheelsucker: Yes he is. He’s been sucking my wheel since the Pershing bump.
    Baby Seal: I’m not.
    Wankmeister: He isn’t.
    Wanker with a Wheelsucker: Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill. Can’t you tell he’s aspirating his own shit?
    Baby Seal: I’m getting better.
    Wanker with a Wheelsucker: No you’re not, you’re a worthless baby seal only good for clubbing…you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
    Wankmeister: Well, I can’t take him like that. It’s against NPR regulations.
    Baby Seal: I don’t want to go on the final sprunt.
    Wanker #2:’ Oh, don’t be such a baby seal.
    Wankmeister: I can’t take him.
    Baby Seal: I feel fine.
    Wanker with a Wheelsucker: Oh, do me a favor.
    Wankmeister: I can’t.
    Wanker #2: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.
    Wankmeister: I’ve already blogged on Lap 3 that I’ve won the final sprunt…I must start my wind-up
    Wanker #2: Well, when’s your next round?
    Wankmeister: Thursday.
    Baby Seal: I think I’ll go for a Starbucks.
    Wanker #2: You’re not fooling anyone, you know. Isn’t there anything you could do?
    Baby Seal: I am sprunting. I am sprunting.

    [The Wankmeister takes his wind-up, then whacks the baby seal with his club, solving the problem]

    Wanker without the Wheelsucker: Ah, thank you very much.
    Wankmeister: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
    Wanker without the Wheelsucker: Right.

    [As the Wankmeister winds-up and takes the final sprunt with the obligatory discrete wave to the Peloton...]

    Clogstacle #1: Who’s that then?
    Baby Seal:#2 I dunno. Must be the Wankmeister.
    Clogstacle #2: Why?
    Baby Seal #2: He hasn’t got aspirated shit all over him.

  • Mike says:

    Fuck, finally back stateside! Can’t wait to see if all the turbo and cross training has kept me in any decent shape. We’ll see this weekend…”bring out yer dead!”

  • Al Lakes says:

    What’s tougher: being a badazz at the Rose Bowl or being a badazz at NPR?

    -guy who used to think rose bowl was easy until he began to go to the front 3x per lap.

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