All pro cyclists everywhere admit doping

November 5, 2013 § 19 Comments

The latest stick-and-tell exposé about drugs and cycling by Michael Rasmussen, “Charging While Charged,” has unexpectedly caused all pro cyclists, past and present, to admit to the use of performance enhancing drugs.

“When I read that Chicken had implicated everyone on the entire Rabobank team, my first reaction, you know, was to demand  a retraction and a public apology and threaten litigation,” said three-time world road champion Oscar Freire. “But then I was like, fuck it. Who am I fuggin kidding?”

When asked if this was an admission to doping, Freire said, “Only when I cycled.”

Ryder Hesjedal, winner of the Giro d’Italia who had never stood on a grand tour podium in fifteen attempts, concurred. “Drugs, brah. Every fuggin day.”

The next domino to fall was Chris Horner, the first 75-year-old to win a grand tour, and the first winner of a grand tour to ever be booted off his team for winning one. “Yeah, man,” said Horner. “Only so long you can keep up the ‘cheeseburgers complete me’ bullshit. I fuggin doped from Monday to Sunday.”

But it wasn’t until the greatest cyclist of all time, Eddy Merckx, confessed to a life of cheating that the rest of the peloton also confessed. “Look,” said Merckx. “It’s just not my fault that everyone is stupid. I did what I had to do.”

When asked what he “had to do,” Merckx said this: “Drugs. A merde-load of drugs. Drugs up my ass. Drugs up my nose. Drugs in my coffee. Drugs down the pie-hole. Drugs in my drugs. Drugs in the baby food. Why you fuggin think Axel turned into a top Belgian pro? Wasn’t the fuggin famous Belgian food.”

When asked about his lifelong denial of drug use, Merckx said this: “I was lying.”

Cascade of confessions

With Merckx’s public confession, the rest of the pro peloton quickly fell into line. First to step up was 2013 Tour winner Chrissy Froome. “Volcano doping. Like Eddy, up the ass.”

Retired pro Greg LeMond, long a champion of the anti-doping movement, likewise threw in the towel. “I’m tired of this fuggin charade,” he said. “Yeah, I doped. Now can I have a beer and will you please go away?”

Jonathan Vaughters, owner of Team Garmin and Prancing Pricks Who are Holier Than Everyone, Especially Thou, gave up the ghost as well. “Yeah, we’re fuggin filthy,” he confessed. “Drugs. It’s what’s for fuggin dinner. Not to mention breakfast, lunch, and afternoon tea.”

David Brailsford, another proponent of clean cycling through Team Sky, hung his head in shame, frustration, and disgust. “We. Fuggin. Dope. What about that do you not understand?”

Bryan Cookson, UCI president and sponsor of the “Can’t We Just Get Along Reconciliation and Handholding Mission to Restore Faith and Trust in Something That Never Had Either,” convened a meeting in which all cyclists in the history of the sport attended and confessed their sins. In a gigantic auditorium they all chanted in unison, “We fuggin doped. We are fuggin dopers. Now leave us the fugg alone, especially Steve Tilford you whiny little bitch.”

Time for change

At a press conference following the mass confession, which was presided over by the Pope and Pat McQuaid, who was forced to additionally confess that he was “a doper AND an asshole,” Cookson explained the reason for the unified admission.

“The whole thing became undeniable. ‘Breaking the Chain,’ by Voet, ‘Rough Ride,’ by Kimmage, ‘We Were Young and Carefree,’ by Fignon, ‘Seven Deadly Sins,’ ‘Cycle of Lies,’ ‘Wheelmen,’ ‘The Secret Race,’ ‘Dog in a Hat,’ ‘From Lance to Landis,’ ‘L.A. Confidential,’ and of course everything ever written about Coppi, Bartali, Anquetil, or anyone who’s ever set foot in Belgium … we all just decided to say ‘Enough. We’re a bunch of lousy, doped up, cheatfuggs.’

In order to make the confessions as thorough as possible, numerous deceased cycling stars were exhumed and had placards hung on their remains. “Dopey Coppi,” and “Tranqui-til” were two of the most popular exhibits set up around the bones of Fausto Coppi and Jacques Anquetil.

Cookson was optimistic that a corner had been turned. “Now that we’ve admitted what everyone knows, there’s no one left to punish, except, of course the fans. We’re going to be asking fans to voluntarily confess to drug use as well, and masturbation. We will clean this sport up once and for all.”

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§ 19 Responses to All pro cyclists everywhere admit doping

  • SBbabyseal says:

    Put me down for 5,60 aaaaannnnd 3 counts of masturbation. I would like to begin by apologizing to Dog.

    • Jon Trimble says:

      WTF, only 3 counts of masturbation? Get off Cycling In The South Bay and get to the porn. You only need 7 more counts to upgrade to a Cat 4 masturbator. But remember, you can’t just aimlessly masturbate, you need to finish a session in order for it to count towards your upgrade.

      When you get your upgrade to Cat 4 masturbator, things only get harder. Finishing doesn’t count towards your Cat 3 upgrade, you need to be one of the last 3 finishers in a group masturbation of 10 or more wankers in order to get your upgrade points. i know it’s hard, but with blind faith and a steely resolve you might get your upgrade. Some people are never able to get out of the messy Cat 5 masturbators, but all you have to do is ask dog for the patience and you’ll be rewarded.

    • fsethd says:

      Let me put on your choke collar first.

    • fsethd says:

      Ah ha! That means you’ve been doping, too.

      • renagade69 says:

        Hey!….what?….Fine. I admit that I am a certified cat4 wanker… dreaming of making cat3 someday…. but competeing against all the drugged-up nerve-numbed cat3′s is hard…. more so than going to the Fetish and Fantasy Ball and Not spanking off…I mean spanking the vixen in chains that’s begging for it…. nvm…I plead the filth…I mean Fifth!

      • fsethd says:

        Just admit you’re doping.

  • channel_zero says:

    Can’t We Just Get Along Reconciliation and Handholding Mission to Restore Faith and Trust in Something That Never Had Either,

    Haha. So, so true. It’s like WWE “wrestling” only with the IOC providing the illusion of legitimacy.

    The athlete apology statements are the sickest part. How about giving up the revenue you stole? Hmm?

  • Arkansas Traveler says:

    “Only when I cycled”. That’s just rich.

  • Hwy. 39 says:

    Now that every one has confessed, fans will flock back to bike racing. The new clean forgiven peloton will have to beat off the fans, who will no doubt come in droves.

  • Bruce Pandolfini says:

    I find interesting the surprising number of now-confessing *former* dopers who had an epiphany where they saw the light and realized the error in their ways, deciding to ride squeaky clean, just months prior to the expiration of the applicable statute of limitations that would strip them of old results and/or $. An amazing coincidence and stroke of good luck for these guys!

  • Erik says:

    You take back you’re deliberately misleading headline right now!

    “Hey, I don’t care what they said [Re: 2009 blood irregularities after Ventoux]. What I’m saying is that the day there’s a test of a transfusion I’ll be the first guy to put that sample on the line. And I’ll bet everything on that.”

    Shades of “never tested positive”?

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