Thank you, SCNCA

November 8, 2013 § 41 Comments

Dear Southern California/Nevada Cycling Association:

Thank you for making Ontario the site of the 2014 masters state criterium championships. I know you had a chance to also designate the 805 Crit in Santa Barbara County, but that course blows.

Ontario is the crit course that masters love best and you guys “get it.” For starters, Ontario is biker heaven. Some folks call it a shit hole covered in puke, but they are just jealous. Four-turn biz park courses with huge turns that are big enough to pilot a small naval warship through are the true test of crit skills. Whiny bitches say “it’s too easy for a championship” and “it’s not a crit, it’s a yawnfest,” but who cares what they say?

Real crit racers know that the best test of crit skills is a course so stupidly easy that you can sail through the turns with your eyes closed. You guys get that. Respect.

Also, the 805 Crit is put on by Mike Hecker and fuck that dude. In 2013 his race was a total joke. It only had 10k in prize money and the races were so fuggin hard that no one could do more than one race. Who wants a hard race? Bike racing is for showboating and not cracking a sweat. If you have to bleed sperm out of your eyeballs in order to win, what’s the point?

Also, that Hecker Wanker dude fugged the pooch because he put his races in downtown Lompoc/Buellton. The Ontario race is in a cool office park where you can look at really awesome square buildings filled with angry managers who fondle their secretaries and then get sued. That’s America, and SCNCA gets it!

Plus, Hecker Wanker got a fuggin beer company to put up beer tents. That really sucked. When I sit outside all day to watch idiots race their bikes in blindingly hot weather, I want to drink a glass of toasty warm mik.  Cold beer by Firestone Brewery is so lame. At Ontario you can also top off your day by driving home on the 10. That rocks, whereas in Santa Barbara you have to fuggin stay overnight and then take your old lady to some froo-froo winery. Fugg that shit.

The other thing that sucks about Hecker Wanker’s races is that people actually enjoy them. Bike racing is about making people miserable, and Ontario’s crit course is the most miserable place west of the Mississippi, except for Lubbock. More mad respect. I hope they triple the entry fees because if it’s not a complete rip-off then it’s not worth doing.

But best of all, by putting masters states at Ontario you telegraph that guys like Hecker Wanker don’t matter. Who gives a rat’s ass if he’s promoting the sport in far-flung communities by putting the race down-fucking-town, in areas where SoCal racing is usually absent? Fugg that dude for being so ballsy. He needs to get in line and wait his fuggin turn. I propose taking a serious look at the 805 Crit in 2052. Seriously.

Finally, and I know that you guys get this, the worst place to ever put a big race is in the middle of a downtown. If you do that, ordinary people learn about bike racing, and as USA Cycling always says, FUGG THAT! Bike racing is for fancy rich awesome middle-aged douchefarts, not for regular people. If you put races in small town downtowns, then small town kids will get interested in racing bikes. FUGG THAT! Bike racing is for old people, for sure.

Anyway, good job, SCNCA. Keep putting our marquee races in Ontario. That place is the kind of shit hole that bike racers love best. Hidden from ordinary people. Keep the control in the hands of the old boy network. Water bottle primes. You fuggin get it.

Luv ya!

Wankmeister

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§ 41 Responses to Thank you, SCNCA

  • Agreed. Ontario’s the best. I won a baseball cap there that said “Niagra” during one 110 degree scorcher of a day. I thought the prime was for a few cases of cold delicious water; something of value. But that’s ok. I was able to give the hat to my son. And then it was in the Goodwill bag a few weeks later. Someone will really enjoy that Niagra hat. Ontario’s the best! I don’t understand why other teams boycotted it this past year.

  • Valley Girl says:

    What a bunch of fucktards!

  • monkeybite says:

    Proximity to the hospital ER makes Ontario a plus, obviously.

  • ipdamages says:

    I heard they’re gonna mix it up this year and make left turns instead of rights. Or was that rights instead if lefts? I get so dizzy me forget! I also heard that they are awarding the most magnificent prime ever – a lunch with the inmate from Chino state prison who started the riots, with a heaping plate of gruel. http://www.scpr.org/specials/prison/

  • CPR says:

    And Ontario has big-ass rock quarries right near by to throw your milk cartons in. How convenient!!

  • RG Dixon says:

    FSETHD or what ever your real name is and are to goddamn scared and chickenshit to post who you really are ass wipe. Ontario is a joke like you.

  • chriscainlaw says:

    One more reason why NCNCA superior to SCNCA in nearly every aspect.

  • Edmund Dantes says:

    Such a pitty about xtranormal. Some real fun could be had with this one.

  • Winemaker-Rip Van Winkle says:

    In 1980, the Lowenbrau series (Miller was promoting their new ‘brand’) had an event in downtown LA…around tight corners, up steep hills, sketchy surfaces at times….it was way cool….And, it was on a FRIDAY.
    Only had about 25000 people watching from the curb and about a zillion from their office windows. What happened? I just have slept a long time.

  • sarahrides says:

    You Rock! Love your work.

  • Hwy. 39 says:

    “bleed sperm out of your eyeballs”

    So that’s why I see the racers rubbing their eyes. Victory through autoeroticism.

  • Joe Camacho says:

    Where are they going to have a crit in Ontario? Seems like a big area to try to set up a crit course, i thought crit courses had to be just under a mile, its gotta be at least 200 miles from Hudson Bay to Lake Michigan…I would love to see Ontario under normal circumstance I just don’t think I can ride as far as I would like in a 45 minute time frame.

  • Tom FitzGibbon says:

    We offered to have Masters at Brentwood this year, but I guess they thought Ontario was a bigger challenge and would select more worthy winners.

  • R.C. White says:

    I think someone got caught in an airport men’s room with their pants down and now they’re being leveraged…

    It’s the only plausible explanation..

  • Crashgybe says:

    I can’t see any reason why they shouldn’t hold the crit masters in that third world nation north of us. Ya gotta share the wealth! BTW, glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks Lubbock is a shithole.

  • Get off my Lawn says:

    Downtown Lompoc, known as the Venice of Obscure California Towns is conveniently located a short 4:20 minutes (if you leave at 2AM on a Tuesday) from San Diego. Headlining the city’s website is a current beatle infestation and it’s Chamber of Commerce website features the iconic “Tour of the Vandeberg” . (Not a bike race).

    I mean, you wet yourself over Lompoc?

    Lompoc.

    Suggest that for your honeymoon and see how much action you get.

    You think the 21 entries in their 45+ crit this year might have played into the decision?

    Ontario may not be Tulsa Tough (where I got accosted by a gun wielding toothless meth head after my race a few years ago) , but aside from the huge wail you’d hear if it went away, it draws. It’s in the middle of everywhere. And when you get blown out the back you can do penance on Baldy.

    And plenty of people have trouble making those corners if the number of crashes are an indicator.

    I’ve avoided enough wrong way vehicles, stoned skateboarders, drunk mountain bikers, and generally stupid pedestrians during city crits that the few people with cowbells no longer put a lot of lead in my pencil. Viagra does that and I have a TUE for it, so there.

    On the other hand I had an idiot Cat 4 decide to ride across the track at start finish Ontario too.

    That Ontario is 15 minutes from my house has no influence in my opinion. Having a $100 Palace Grill prime every lap might change it.

    Now get off my lawn sonny boy.

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