Wankmeister cycling clinic #21: bike hating S/O’s

January 3, 2014 § 12 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

My wife hates cycling, and cyclists, and cycles. I get up and train at 4:00 AM so I can be be home at six, before she wakes up. She makes me feel so ashamed of my cycling, like when I masturbate under the sheets after she’s gone to sleep. What’s the solution?

In deepest shame,
Onan Ism

Dear Onan:

Masturbate on top of the sheets, while she’s awake.

One-handedly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

My husband despises cycling and is terribly jealous of my bikie friends. He tongue lashes me when I get up early to ride, stalks my FB page, and makes nasty, snide comments about my bike buddies. If he’d only try it, he’d see how much fun it is! How can I convert him?

Sadly,
Mary Merry

Dear Mary:

He’s jealous because all he has is golf. You need to increase his jealousy to a fever pitch. Show him pictures of your bike buddies in their tight shorts with cruel outlines of their massive timber. Then show him fiery hot photos of your cycling girlfriends with their sexy butts and impressive cleavage. If this doesn’t work, dump him.

Catholically,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

My girlfriend is very unreasonable. Just because I race every weekend and train all the time doesn’t mean I don’t love her. She demands ridiculous shit, like, that we do a “date night” every Friday and stuff. How can I explain to her that “date night” is my recovery night so I can be ready for the big Saturday ride?

Frustratedly,
Pigsy Poppins

Dear Pigsy:

Wow! What a pushy bitch! Have you showed her GoPro videos of the ride? Does she understand that this is where reputations are made? FUCK HER! If you give in on this one, she’ll be asking you to take her out for her birthday, anniversary, etc. Madness. Time to move on.

Factually,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

Now that I’m happily married and my wife is pregnant, I’m starting to think about how to reorganize my life so that I give priority to my kid and family. I love cycling, but it seems more important that I invest my energies in my family. Plus, I can always come back to cycling later. What’s the right amount of riding for a new dad?

Responsibly,
Pater Familias

Dear Pater:

The most impressionable time of a child’s life is the first two years. So, you should be absent as much as possible to prevent the li’l booger from adopting your bad riding habits. Now is the time for big miles. Also, even though your wife will be upset at having to stay home and change poopy diapers while you’re quaffing lattes on the bricks and setting new Strava PR’s, it will make her stronger. Also, if you quit cycling now, thinking you’ll pick it up later, all of your competitors will gain valuable mileage and race experience. Think about it like this: Would you rather have children who say, “My dad was always there for me,” or kids who say, “My dad once podiumed in a 45+ crit.” Right?

Truthfully,
Wankmeister

§ 12 Responses to Wankmeister cycling clinic #21: bike hating S/O’s

  • dan martin says:

    Dear Wankmeister,
    These individuals all sound like people I know and ride with. Do you change names to protect identities from pissy S/O’s?
    Curiously,
    Old Dude

  • New Girl says:

    New Girl. Thank you for writing. :-)

  • tunverzagt says:

    Dear Wankmeister, My husband LOVES that I ride. He loves the body it produces and the endurance training. Oh, and he thinks my biking friends are humorous (I’m not sure if that’s respectfully or disrespectfully, but I don’t really care.) -Happily Married Cyclist

  • Winemaker says:

    My ex-wife wanted to be a cyclist, too….I knew she didn’t mean it, so I took her on a ride on my road tandem…over hill and dale we merrily went. Up some steep shit, and she hit the wall. Couldn’t help a lick, She swore off bikes…oops. I became that guy who gets up at 4 AM to ride. Then she dumped me anyway. Depressed and suicidal, I only rode once a week, if that. After gaining 50 pounds I decided to grow grapes and enjoy life. Now I ride short rides and once a month up to LA and back. What we need is S/O’s that get it, you know? Women get to shop and go out for lemon drops with their friends, why can’t I ride my bike?

    • fsethd says:

      You can ride your bike. So can she. When are you coming to LA??

      • New Girl says:

        Seth & Winemaker ~ LMK when. Let’s chat.

      • Winemaker says:

        NG and WM – I will be cleaning up the fruit trees (want some oranges?) and those scrawny bastard vines for the next week, but will DRIVE up to Smell A on Tuesday the 14th…have a few days there, probably coming back down to Redneckville on the 17th or 18th.

  • Hamilton says:

    Why do I enjoy YouTube videos that feature bikers assaulted/humiliated so much? I also like watching non-lethal videos with biking accidents. As a person who drives a truck and (honestly) tries to be aware, courteous and empethitic to people who ride bikes I am puzzled by my severe reaction. I know I have seen more than my fair share of arrogant jerks, aggressive posturers, law-ignoring, entitled and (to us car drivers) dangerous bicyclists. But, I have never been moved to feel so strongly about a group of individuals. I have even started to look up places like “I hate bicyclists.com”. Or start a site like “bikers get what they deserve”. I know it lacks originality but there are plenty of options, some with much stronger language. I guess a quick summary would be – how does an otherwise nice, normal and caring person come to hate bicyclists so much? Oh yeah…I’m a person who doesn’t mind traffic at all. Just gives me more quite time with the radio or my thoughts so it’s not a problem with inpatients.
    Well…stay safe and try not to be so biker-ish?

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