Mr. Stinkyparts

March 25, 2014 § 17 Comments

“Here!” Mrs. WM said accusatorially, flinging the black Pearl Izumi base layer tee across the bed. “Smell onna that!”

I picked it up and took a whiff. “Kinda gamey, huh?”

“It ain’t no game! Itsa ammonia smell from your stinky underparts!”

“You mean my underarms. Not ‘underparts.’”

“Itsa stinky onna underarms, too. How come you such a stinker? I washed onna your bikin’ undershirts three times and still onna nasty old stale ammonia stinky underparts. It’s infecting onna other clothes inna laundry. Itsa infecting onna my bras and underpants so I can’t onna wash ‘em together. How come I gotta do extra separate washing loads because of your stinkyparts? How come?”

“Honey, I’m a man. And I exercise a lot. So, I guess I stink. But I read an article on Google News that says men who are super clean are less sexy than guys who have, you know, a kind of ‘manly’ smell about them.”

She turned up her nose. “Sexy stinky? Thatsa gross. I like a sexy clean.”

“But guys work out and they sweat and they smell. It’s just the way we are.”

“I do onna Zumba exercise an’ you wanna know what?”

“What?”

“After I get onna body sweat after booty shakin’, you wanna know what I do?”

“What?”

“I take onna bath! How come you can’t take onna bath after bikin’ and how come you can’t use a underparts deodorant stick before you going onna bikin’? I got you fifteen underparts smell sticks and you ain’t usin’ up even one of ‘em.”

“I hate deodorant. Plus, all those chemicals right next to the lymph nodes in your armpits is not healthy. Probably causes cancer.”

“You hate onna deodorant but everybody else hatin’ on your stinkyparts. Every time you pointin’ or liftin’ up your skinny arm itsa big poison gas cloud comin’ out onna your shirt sleeves makin’ everybody can’t breathe without makin’ screwed up face. Itsa nasty.”

“I still think those chemicals might cause cancer, the way they get absorbed by your lymph nodes and distributed throughout the body. Ten years from now we’ll find out that stuff is worse than lead poisoning.”

“You’re standin’ inna elevator old Mr. Stinkyparts and I’m tellin’ you everybody wishin’ they had cancer and was dead by it so they don’t have to be there with tears runnin’ outta their eyes because of stinky.”

“Okay, I get it. I smell bad. Anything else?”

“Anything else is jus one thing. Wear onna deodorant and quit infectin’ onna my underwear inna laundry basket.”

“Okay. I promise.”

She smiled. “I’m gonna take a shower and get clean. You should get onna clean, too.”

Sounded kind of like an invitation.

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