Wanky Automated Compatibility Testing

August 19, 2014 § 11 Comments

People are so darned lonely, and it’s not hard to see why. They fart. They smell bad in the morning. They leave skid marks in their shorts and whiskers in the sink, and they forget to flush and to put the cap back on the toothpaste. And then of course they have their bad habits, too.

I have noticed many unhappy and lonely bicycle riders, and in order to help fix them up I have developed a new web site that uses the patented Wanky Automated Compatibility Testing ™, or “WACT,” pronounced “whacked.” You can find it at www.wact.com.

The web site uses a sophisticated logarithm (that’s a really thick algorithm for all you non-math majors) to match bicycling personalities so that they can find the perfect person with whom they can enjoy a happy-go-lucky coffee, casual conversation, and boning.

First, answer these questions:

  1. I like cycling because:
    1. Exercise
    2. Health
    3. Hairlessness
    4. Tight shorts
    5. Boning
  2. After riding with my friends I enjoy:
    1. Sitting at CotKU, sipping coffee, and chatting about the ride
    2. Going home and reading the product write-ups on CompetitiveCyclist.com
    3. Comparing my Strava stats with those of my pals
    4. Zooming in on the FB photos of women’s crotches standing on the podium
    5. Boning
  3. Cycling and craft beer go together because:
    1. They are both healthy and natural
    2. Strong beer gives you a good buzz after a hard workout
    3. You can enjoy local, hand-crafted beer while riding a local, handmade frame and saving the environment plus smugness
    4. Biker chicks at brew pubs get sloppy drunk after two DIPA’s and start rubbing their breasts against you
    5. Boning

If you answered “E” to all of the above, or if you answered A – D while secretly thinking about E, then you should consider signing up for the Wanky Automated Compatibility Testing ™ dating site. Here’s how it works:

You input a link to your favorite Strava segment and the time that you will be on it. Then you check one of the following boxes next to your segment:

Coffee

Sitting on his/her/its wheel and ogling

Boning

If another cyclists “likes” your segment and the time you’ve designated, he/she/it (usually “it”) then selects a radio button. However, he/she/it can’t see which button you’ve selected. If he/she/it/Stathis selects the same button you selected, you’ve got a “Wanky Match.” Your cell phone will then emit a high-pitched, ear-piercing sound reminiscent of someone whose toe got caught in a meat grinder, and the contact information of your “Wanky Match” will flash across the screen.

You then swipe the app and it takes you to “Steamy Wanky Revelation” where you will see all the of the juicy details about your Wanky Match, such as:

  • Vegan
  • Bathes weekly
  • 110 watts FTP
  • Favorite pastime: WKO+ Training Peaks
  • Di2
  • Divorced (5 times)
  • Employed (once, in 1987)
  • Loves romantic evenings with that special someone in an oxygen tent
  • Favorite place: Mom’s basement

[Note: These are merely sample personal details of your Wanky Match. Actual personal characteristics and hygiene will be gnarlier.]

Unlike other dating sites, with Wanky Automated Compatibility Testing ™, you only pay when you get on your partner’s “leader board.” If you help your member reach the summit in record time, he/she/it/Stathis will award you a KOM which then goes in your Wanky Match profile. The more KOM’s, the more confidence you have that your Wanky Match knows how to pound out the watts.

Due to the early developmental phase of the project, interested participants are asked to send an email to the project director, Mr. Divad Zerep, zerep@gmail.com. Please include a valid credit card number with expiration date and CVV, as well as your Social Security Number, DOB, and a house key.

END

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