Palmares

Excellence takes a lifetime to achieve. Mediocrity, however, is easily attainable with only a little practice. Best of all, whereas excellence fades the moment you stop focusing on it, halfassedness requires zero concentration and can be maintained indefinitely. I began cycling in 1982, and racing in 1984. Since that time I have done tons of races, but have rarely excelled in any of them. I can only remember the ones listed below, and that’s with the help of various online databases. The really old ones probably never even happened, but they seem like they did, or should have, or might have, or, perhaps they happened to someone else and I’m confusing me with him.

Whatever.

If you’re going to blog about bike racing, people should know who they’re dealing with. Nothing speaks about your competence as a bike racer better than your race results, or, in my case, the lack thereof.

2014

4th, SoCal Cup Bike Race #9, 35+
36th, San Marcos Crit, 45+
DNF, 805 Citerium Weekend Lompoc VoF SCNCA Elite Championship, 35+
DNF, 805 Criterium Weekend Buellton Avenue of Flags, 35+
19th, 805 Criterium Weekend Hancock Twilight, 35+
146th, SPY BelgianWaffle Ride. Don’t snicker if you weren’t there.
28th, District Championships, 50+
22nd, LA Circuit Race, 35+
37th, San Dimas Crit, 45+
39th, Bonelli Park Road Race, 45+
31st, Glendora Mountain Rd. Time Trial, 45+
10th, Chuck Pontius Road Race, 50+
26th, SoCal Cup Bike Race #2, 50+
29th, UCLA Road Race, 45+
DNF, Boulevard Road Race, 45+
DFL, Red Trolley Crit, 45+

2013

15th, SoCal Cross Series #11, Cross at the Beach, 45+A Category
10th, SoCal Cross Series #4, Pacifica Crossfest, 45+A Category
8th, SoCal Cross Series #3 Race, Vail Lake, 45+A Category
9th, SoCal Cross Series #2 Race, Prado Lake, 45+ A Category
DNF, SoCal Cross Series #1 Race, DTLA, 45+ A Category, flatted on the first lap.
DNF, Masters National Crit, 50-54, Loose Gums Category
38th, Masters National Road Race, 50-54 Drippy Bowels Category
5th, CBR Crit, 50+ Leaky Prostate Category
18th, Torrance Crit, 35+ Very Fast Young Pups Category
19th, Brentwood Grand Prix, 45+ Leaky Category
33rd, San Marcos Criterium, 45+ Creaky Knees Category
41st, Ride it Like You Stole it Criterium, 45+ Achey Prostate Category
38th, Valley of Flowers Criterium, 35+ Category
36th, Avenue of the Flags Criterium, 45+ Category
31st, Ladera Ranch Grand Prix, 45+ Category
23rd, Ladera Ranch Grand Prix, 50+ Category
54th, Kool & Fit Criterium, 50+ Category
56th, Kool & Fit Criterium, 45+ Category
3rd, Public Safety Memorial Day Crit, 45+ Category
DFL, CBR Now Energy Crit, 50+ Category
DNF, UCLA Road Race, 45+ Category
15th, Boulevard Road Race, 45+ Category (this was amazing beyond belief)
45th, next-to-DFL, 45+ Ol’ Duffers Category, Mothballs Criterium
29th, 45+, Poor College Kids Road Race
3rd, 50+ Very Elderly Gentlemen with Bruised Prostates, CBR Crit, Dominguez Hills

2012

12th a/k/a DFL, Storm the Beach ‘Cross
15th a/k/a DFL, San Diego ‘Cross
11th, 45+ A, Spooky Cross Sunday Race, never crashed!
15th, 45+A, Spooky Cross Saturday Race
8th, CBR Upgrade Crit, 2/3
15th, 45+A, DTLA Historic Park ‘Cross Race, Prestige Series Race #2
22nd, 45+A, CX in the OC, Prestige Series Race #1
20th, Men’s C, CX in the OC, Prestige Series Race #1
11th, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen Who Are Nonetheless Ready for Nationals, CBR Crit, Dominguez Hills
32nd, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen Who Don’t Always Stay Upright Category, Brentwood Grand Prix
37th, 35+ Very Fast Dudes with Whom I Had No Business Riding Category, San Marcos Circuit Race
29th, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen with Prostate Issues Category, San Marcos Circuit Race
49th, P/1/2/3 Dominguez Hills crit, hanging on for dear fucking life. Probably the oldest stupid guy in the race, or the stupidest old guy.
56th, 45+ State Crit Championships. I so could have won that race if I had crossed the line before everyone else.
25th, 45+ District Road Race, Bakersfield. Fuckers didn’t list me as a finisher. So what if I was, um, slightly off the back. I finished ahead of Bart Clifford, goddammit. I want my reputation back.
28th, Devil’s Punchbowl, 45+ Dropped and Flailed Again Category
19th, Vlees Huis Ronde, 45+ This is Hotter Than I Thought It Would Be Category
37th, First Annual SPY Belgian Waffle Ride, would have placed lots higher except for the cheaters and course cutters. My mother is going to write a really nasty letter on my behalf.
34th, [DFL] Torrance Crit, 45+ Gonna Get Manhandled Again Category
34th, Torrance Crit, 35+ 3/4 I Didn’t Even Know They Had a Loser Category Like This Category
46th, Anger Management Crit, Cat 3 Clumsy Bike Handlers Category
58th, Anger Management Crit, 45+ Juiced to the Gills Category
Packmeat, Now Energy Bar Crit, 35+ Ex-pros and Tattooed Freaks Category
39th, Now Energy Bar Crit, 45+ Arthritic Category
15th, UCLA Road Race, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen Category
4,587th, Palm Springs Century Ride
19th, Red Trolley Crit, 35+ What in the Fuck Am I Doing Here and Where’s DP Category?
40th, Red Trolley Crit, 45+ For Old Farts They Sure Race Hard Category
39th place, Boulevard Road Race, 45+ G$’s Gonna Win Again Category
36th, Poor College Kids Road Race, 35+ You Don’t Belong Here Category
Next-to-last (in front of King Harold), CBR 40+ Anger Management Crit. Left me off the placings because I stopped to help the two wankers who crashed out in the sprint. Fuckers. That 95th placing meant something to me.

2011
2nd, California State Team Time Trial, 180+ (fuck that sounds old).
DNF, UCLA Punchbowl RR, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen’s Category.
1st, CLIF Bar PV Hillclimb, 45+ Creaky Gentlemen’s Category (Roadchamp won ZERO time trials in 2011, by the way. Or 2010.)
27th, Boulevard RR, 45+ Decrepit Gentlemen’s Category.
2nd, Ironfly Club TTT, (only two entries, bested by Neumann/Spivey/King/Spalding and then fought with the old lady at the post-race party.)
DFL, CBR 40+ Anger Management Crit.
PMDFL (Pretty Much DFL), CBR 30+ Anger Management Crit.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2010
17th, State Road Race Championships, 45+ Achey Gentlemen’s Category.
19th, De Vlees Huis Ronde RR, 45+ Bum-Kneed Gentlemen and Scrape Up G$ Category.
1st, Ironfly Club ITT, Merckx Category.
NTDFL (Next To DFL), Devil’s Punchbowl RR, 45+ Arthritic Gentlemen’s Category, humiliatingly placed two spots behind Brad House, a result that will live in infamy.
10th, LA Circuit Race, 35+ Still Pretty Frisky Farts’ Race, P’wnd by Fukdude and Fireman.
35th, LA Circuit Race, 45+ Prostate-Sensitive Gentlemen’s Race.
1st, Team Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT, towed around by Neumann, Walsh, Heeley.
9th, 3K Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT.
6th, 2K Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT.
4th, 4k Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT.
4th, Omnium, LAVRA Cup.
3rd, Omnium Upgrade Race.
14th, Roger Millikan Memorial Crit, 45+ Thinkin’ ‘Bout Depends Category.
22nd, Roger Millikan Memorial Crit, 35+ These Boys Is Fast Category.
NECTF (Not Even Close To Finishing), Boulevard RR, 45+ What Are We Doing Here Category.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2009

54th, Manhattan Beach Grand Prix, 45+ Constipated Gentlemen’s Category.
Packmeat, Various Eldo Flails.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2008
32nd, Devil’s Punchbowl RR, 45+ Finished with Paul Douville, Unforgettably.
26th, San Luis Rey RR, 45+ Elderly Flatulators’ Race.
DFL, Dana Point Grand Prix, 35+, And They Left Me Off The Results The Bastards.
DNF, Dana Point Grand Prix, 45+, Crashed the Fuck Out of that Race Goddammit.
18th, State Championship Road Race, 45+ Flailing Old Goats’ Category.
7th, Ontario Dare to Flail Grand Prix, 45+ Aren’t We Too Old For This Category.
Packmeat, Varios Eldo and CBR Crit flails.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2007
Flailed around Southern California, no racing.

2006
Packmeat, Pure Austin Road Race, 35+.
Packmeat, Fayetteville (TX) Road Race, 35+.
Packmeat, Texas State Road Championships, 35+.
Flailed around Houston.

2005
Flail, Some West Houston 40k TT.
Flailed around Houston.

2002-2004
Finisher, Hotter than Hell 100 [2004].
Flailed around the Texas Panhandle and Eastern Oklahoma. Now that was some flailing. Jesus fucking Christ you haven’t flailed and flogged ’til you’ve ridden in a South Plains shitstorm.

2001-2002
Flailed around Austin, no racing.

1992-2000
Packmeat, Road Race in Tochigi, Japan.
Packmeat, Road Race in Gunma-ken, Japan.
Packmeat here, there, everywhere, Japan.

1992
Packmeat, Austin Tuesday Nighters, but rode out to the courseĀ a couple of times with Punk Lance.
BFS (Barely Fucking Survived), Austin Training Ride with Punk Lance and Fields.

1991
Flailed around Japan some more.

1989-1990
Flailed around the Eifel, up and down the Rhine, up the Mosel, no racing.
1st, Chili’s Crit, Announcer Category, Where I Christened the Amsterdam Hammer and He and Fields Rode Away from the Field. Race sponsored by the Good Kevin Callaway while managing Chili’s at Research and N. Lamar.

1988
Flailed around Austin, no racing.

1987
DNF, Texas State Road Championships.
Flailed all over Tochigi, Tokyo, Ibaraki, Gunma, Japan, no racing.

1986
3rd, Texas State Road Championships, Cat 2, one nasty-ass hot-ass tough fucking race.
1st, Gruene Time Trial, DQ’d for starting late and cursing the shit out of Will Rotzler.
1st, Blue Goose RR with Marco Vermeij and Rick Kent, riding my “Blue Goose” Eddy Merckx.
DNF, Violet Crown Expo Center Crit, Cat 2, Crashed out of Break While Mercilessly Berating Breakmates.
Packmeat, Fuckload of Tuesday Nighters, except one time I got third.
Can’t fucking remember anything else except that I did a shitload of races, so that means I was packmeat.

1985
1st, Georgetown Stage Race.
DNF, Bob Cook Memorial Hillclimb.
DNF, Some stage race in Fayetteville, Arkansas (Joe Martin, maybe) with Fields and Scott Dickson. Killed the hillclimb TT and did okay in the RR, got shelled in the crit and quit.
1st, Wildflower Classic.
Packmeat, Some circuit race at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio.
1st, Some Lameass Race in Houston put on by Tom Bentley.
Packmeat, Dallas Grand Prix, crashed out by fellow Cat 3 Chris Hipp that fucker. (Dave, in those days we wanted to get OUT of the 3’s, not stay there forever.)
Packmeat, Bunch of other fucking races that are all a blur now. Remember Hans Schneider’s top tube on his new Vitus coming unglued in a race and smacking him so hard in the balls he couldn’t stand up for a week.

1984
1st, Blue Bluff to Bloor Rd. TT.
5th, Tour of Louisiana with Kevin Callaway and Jimbo Martin.
Pack Meat, La Primavera, Austin.
BF (Barely Finished), Texas State Individual Time Trial.
BF, Multiple motor pacing sessions with Fields on the Path of Truth.

§ 17 Responses to Palmares

  • Mo'Nilla says:

    Damn. You raced in Fayetteville? You are famous, dude!

  • You forgot: 1989 – speaker at the Chilli’s crit, the crowd was going wild

    • Donut says:

      I’m so gonna add that. Plus the Dallas crit where fucking Hipp crashed me out. Fields and I stayed at his apartment in Dallas where he had a penny farthing.

    • Donut says:

      And that’s where the moniker “Amsterdam Hammer” was born, replacing Fields’s nickname of you as “The Lung.” You and Fields took off and lapped the field. Kevin Callaway sponsored that race when he was managing the Chili’s up on the corner of N. Lamar and Research. Jack Pritchard used to call him “Clanghorn” or “the good Kevin Callaway” to distinguish him from the other one. The following week I announced at the crit there in that little Czech town whose name I don’t recall (Granger?), and baited Hipp every lap for sucking wheel. He finally took a hard pull, gapped the field, swung over to the announcer’s stand and said, “If you don’t shut the fuck up I’m going to get off my bike and kick your ass.” That’s also the race where Peter Dove, the gentlest man to ever race a bike, was goaded into an attack frenzy by my announcing and, I think, won his race. I still remember every lap he came by I’d holler, “Here comes Peter the Beast, killing the field!” and it motivated him to just shred the shit out of everyone. After that he returned to his kind and harmless ways.

      • jeff fields says:

        Peter Dove was a fantasticly gentle man. And yet, he time-trialed well on a bicycle and owned a Dodge Dart Swinger.

        And yes, he won that Granger race only because you guilted him into it by your incessant annoucing and ceaseless goading.

        Peter may have been able win the race otherwise. But, otherwise, he may have not.

        Even though you announced, I think you got a cut from the combine.

      • Donut says:

        Few were the men who could drive a Dart with a straight face in those days.

  • GHall says:

    Nice lifetime flail compilation. I’ll add that you boneheadedly crashed out of the winning break (which included Mark Edwards) at the 1986 Violet Crown Expo Center crit. There is video proof of you mercilessly berating your breakmates. We never caught the remnants though my teammate Brad “Iceman” Eisman soloed for 4th. They forgot to ring the bell for the pack which allowed me to luck into a top 10.

  • Jeff Fields says:

    1986 TX State Road Championships.
    Boerne, TX. 96 degrees
    114 miles, 284 starters
    Really easy bicycle race.

    John Morstead
    Mike Adams
    Pink Shadow
    Mark Switzer
    Jeff Fields
    Rob D’Entremont

    • Donut says:

      Aye, laddie, she was a frothing, frisky filly, was the little Pink Shadow, bedecked in a frilly pink Italian coat, shaded ’round the edges w’ a touch o’shadow, soft as silk to the touch, but firm as steel ‘neath the coat, light, full o’ spring to her step, and lithe like a willow when ye showed her just the tip o’ the lash, the bit took strong betwixt her pretty white teeth, a kick o’ the heels, a toss o’ the mane, and off to the races she was.

      • jeff fields says:

        Nice. but the end o’ the story (2 miles to finish) goes something like this . . .

        “Go!” “I’m shit.” “Me too, but they’re waiting for me to do something.” “Go, and don’t make me say it aloud so these yahoos can hear you whine you ungrateful bastard”

        It’s weird when you know history is happening while you’re guiding it. And, . . . the rest. . . . was history.

        Switzer was ecstatic to beat me in the finish for 4th. The joke was on him.

        Seb “pink shadow” Davidson: Bronze medalist in THE toughest god damn fuckin’ test o’ manly ballsac punch-in-the-gut spit-in-your-eye you piece o’ shit lousy creepy Greg Lemond lovin’ Shimano kissin’ race of races ever to be held in the Republic of Tejas! Maybe the most grueling groveling debasing parade ever. But, i remember it.

        Testified to this day, signed, Jeff Fields

  • jeff fields says:

    Now, please don’t ever talk about this again.

  • Ripley Trout says:

    Great category names. Particularly enjoyed ‘loose gums’.

  • sibex9591 says:

    Sure does seem to be a lot of racing opportunities for relaxed sphincter lack of good keagle exercised racers in Southern California. We have a fair number of local races here in the greater NY area including the infamous Prospect Park series. It’s an interesting training race series for a couple of reasons: 1) Prospect Park, (and Greenwood Cemetery) are the only land masses in Brooklyn not flattened and graded out of existence; 2) the race organizers employ a lot of homeless people to monitor all the race course crossings and give them whistles to blow when they see the pack coming, so as you are racing around this 3 mile loop, you constantly hear the whistles being blown.

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