Here, try this water. It will make you faster.

September 12, 2012 § 14 Comments

On the bike, I’m somebody. Somebody ridiculous? Yes. Somebody clueless? Uh-huh. Somebody no one takes seriously? That, too. But at least I’m somebody.

In the gym, I’m nobody.

I’m so weak I’m not even ridiculous. Today there was a gal about 200 pounds overweight, Dog bless her, busting out of a skintight leotard that, if it hadn’t been stitched together with wire and Kevlar, would have torn asunder and killed whoever got hit by the flying fabric. Big Chick and me, we were the gym nobodies of the day, her for being so prodigiously fat and trying to work some of it off, me for being so prodigiously weak and trying to get just the slightest bit stronger.

It sucks to be a nobody.

The advice sausage magnet

The reason it sucks to be nobody isn’t the “nobody” part. It’s actually fun to just be an ordinary, anonymous wanker who everyone ignores once they see you’re straining to deadlift the 40-lb. kettlebell.

The sucky part about nobodyism is that you become the default magnet for all the advice sausages. Fortunately for the fat girl, she was there with a trainer, a very cool dude who knows his shit and from time to time offers me little tidbits I can use without being condescending or obtrusive.

“Hey, Wankster, trying keeping your back straight so that all those discs don’t pop out of your lower spine like discs coming out of a Nerf gun.” Stuff like that.

Unfortunately, last night the only person in the gym besides me was Phil the Advice Sausage. He was doing leg extensions while I fiddled with my tiny medicine ball. It’s a really small gym, so you can’t go off in a corner.

“Hey, there!” he said.

“Hi.”

“I’m Phil. But all my friends call me Advice Sausage.”

“Hi, Phil. I’m Dave. Dave Perez.”

“Good to know you, Dave. Do you live here?”

“No, I live in San Pedro.”

“Very cool, very cool. I’m on Day Two of a 3-day detox.”

“Oh. Trying to climb onto the wagon, huh?”

“No, no. Not alcohol detox, no, you know, a natural detox. To get rid of all the toxins in my body. No solid food for three days.”

“Toxins in your body? You must be from Long Beach.”

He smiled and put on the condescending look. “Your body naturally builds up toxins from the food you eat, and so to be healthy you have to detoxify your system.”

“Oh, that. Yeah, I detox every morning. Big cup of coffee, some granola, and baby, I detox those fucking toxins to a fare-thee-well. Problem is after I detox the body, I’ve pretty much toxed up the rest of the apartment. But you know what they say. Everybody thinks his own shit smells good.”

Phil got a funny look on his face. “This is a specific program I’m on to purify the body. It’s scientifically proven. By going off solid food for three days, your body purifies and becomes healthier.”

“What about all the holes in the wall?”

“Holes in the wall?”

“Yeah, all the fucking holes you punch in the wall for being pissed off and angry at not getting to eat for three days.”

Now he was thinking it was time to switch topics. “So, what are you working on?” This was a typical advice sausage intro line, which really meant, “What is a pathetic weakling like you trying to achieve that a stud like me might help you with?”

“I’ve had a gut all year and am trying to work it off.”

“Ah, yes. I once had that problem.” Then he nonchalantly gets down on a mat and takes this little wheel thingy and starts doing roll-outs. I watch him do about a zillion of them. Then he sits up. “Don’t have that particular problem any more. Heh, heh.”

You’re so weak I can probably lie to you all day and you won’t even know it

“So, do you play a sport?” he asked.

“No.”

“You really should. Sports are great for you.”

“Really? The only thing I do is bicycle, and all it seems to do is make people mentally ill or put them in the hospital.”

“Oh, you cycle? Well, that’s certainly a sport.”

“Cycling? A sport?”

“Oh, yes. It’s actually quite competitive and difficult. You’d be surprised.”

“I sure would be.”

NOTE TO READER: THIS NEXT PART REALLY HAPPENED

“I used to race bikes, actually,” said Phil. “I grew up here in Southern California and raced a lot here.”

“Really? Like, with categories and everything?”

“Oh, yeah. Absolutely.”

“What category were you?”

“I didn’t have a category. But one time I jumped in a race with a bunch of Category 1’s and beat them all.”

“No shit?”

“No shit.”

“You must have been fast.”

“I was pretty fast when I was young, yeah. My specialty was criterion and road racing, like they do in the Tour de France.”

“Did you also run marathons with Paul Ryan?”

“What?”

“Nothing. So after beating all those Category 1 dudes in that race you jumped into, what happened? Did you turn pro?”

“Oh, no. Professional cycle racing is way beyond what you or I could ever do. I was just a local racer, one of the top guys around here, actually.”

“No shit? When was this?”

“I got started in the early 90’s. Late 90’s. 1997.”

“Gosh, that’s a long time ago. Which races did you do? You must have been fast.”

“I was best on track racing. I was a track racer. It was kind of my specialty.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a track like a race track for cars, except no gears or brakes. My best events were the missing out and the careen.”

“What’s that?”

“The missing out is where you race in a timed thing against the clock. The careen is behind a motorcycle where you careen past the motorcycle. That’s why it’s called the careen. There’s like a hundred guys out there with you all trying to careen at the same time. You have to be really fast and not flinch.”

“Man, that’s fricking incredible. Hey, I know some dudes who used to race back then. Who did you race with?”

“Oh, I, ah, can’t really remember anyone’s names. Mike. I raced with Mike. And a guy named Fred. Mike and Fred, yeah. Mostly, though, I raced in the Midwest. I did a lot of racing in the Midwest.”

“The Midwest?”

“Yeah, in the 1980’s. I started racing in the 80’s. Before your friends’ time. It was a long time ago.”

“How old are you?”

“Forty-nine.”

“I’m forty-eight. I’ve got some great buddies from the Midwest who were star bike racers back then. Ever hear of Jeff Fields?”

“Oh, yeah, sure, Jeff Fields. I knew him.”

“Tall, skinny guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Long blonde hair?”

“That’s him.”

“It is? I always kind of remembered him as being short with dark hair.”

“Oh yeah, he was, wasn’t he? Well, my main place of racing was Penn State and Ohio. I raced a lot there.”

“No shit? Do you know…”

But I never got to finish my sentence because he suddenly realized an important television news program he had to watch, and he dashed out.

You can’t keep a good advice sausage down

Like the Cat in the Hat, though, Phil was back in a flush, carrying a big jug of water. “How’d you like to be an experiment?” he said with a big friendly grin.

“I feel like I already am. Are you the mad scientist?”

“This is called Kangen Water. It’s super low in pH, minus 750. Green tea is minus 80. Antioxidants. You know what those are?”

“Antioxidants? Sure. A recent article in DC Science came out that said there’s no such thing.”

“That’s what traditional medicine is always saying. They have a financial interest in keeping you hooked up to the doctors and big pharma. Alternative medicine works. Trust me.”

“Have you ever had surgery?”

“Oh, sure. I had my appendix taken out.”

“Did they use traditional anesthesia or, like, acupuncture and green tea to knock you out?”

“Oh, it was traditional. But that was my appendix. I’m here to talk to you about your cycling. I can make you 20% stronger and faster just by drinking this special low pH Kangen Water.”

“Really?”

“Yep. It’s proven by mystic Japanese Buddhism Shinto priests. They lower the pH until the water completely detoxifies your body and infuses your cells with pure water. It’s like putting the highest grade oil in your engine. Everything just runs better.”

“I already told you, man, my detox program works like clockwork. It costs zip and the smell’s gone with a match and a candle.”

“Look. Just try this water. Drink it all day long for two days. Then get out on your bike. You’ll be the fastest guy in LA County.”

“Is this what you used when you raced bikes?”

“You bet I did.”

“And that’s what made you the fastest road track racer in Pennsylvania Ohio Midwestern Southern California?”

“Damn straight.” He had that crazy preacher look, burning with devotion to save my bank account from the devil by putting it in his safekeeping.

“Okay, man,” I said, taking the water. “I’ll try it. Now can I finish my workout?”

“Sure.  But I’d like to make an appointment to show you the full program for how this stuff works and how you incorporate it with a detox. I’ve got a video program and some equipment. Only takes an hour, two hours max.” He handed me the jug with his business card. “What was your name again?”

“Dave Perez,” I said, as I gave him Dave’s phone number, email, and home address. “Feel free to drop by anytime.”

The advice sausage

May 20, 2012 § 9 Comments

There’s something about a girl on a bike, especially a new girl on a bike, and especially especially a new young girl on a bike, that makes crusty old curmudgeons want to teach ‘em how to ride.

I call these dudes advice sausages.

They are rarely if ever actively competing in bike races. They were never any good, even though they’ll talk your ear off about how racing was “back in the day.” They’ve certainly never successfully coached or mentored a younger rider, and most telling, when the pace picks up on the local sausagefest they’re the very first wankers to fry in the pan and pop off the back.

But boy can they tell them new gals how to ride.

She’s young enough to be your granddaughter. Oh, never mind. That’s a plus for you, right?

As everyone knows, unsolicited advice goes in one ear and out the other. But unsolicited corrective advice engenders anger. As one rider told me, “I just have to ignore what these old guys tell me. There are one or two who make any sense at all. The rest are morons.”

I think she was exaggerating. I’ve yet to find even two who make any sense; Dog knows I don’t. But her point is a good one, if only because it illustrates the annoying uselessness of Ol’ Backintheday and his prattling advice about shit he knows nothing about.

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t even teach ride around and bother people.

Use a bigger gear! Spin more! Sit when you climb! Get out of the saddle on the ascents!

The thing that really cracks me up about the advice sausages who share their wisdom with this one particular chick is that she’s a former national caliber, NCAA Division I athlete. So while I can understand, while condemning, Ol’ Backintheday’s lame advice to some struggling wankette who’s barely able to ride a straight line, it boggles the mind that a sag-bellied doofus would try to advise a former elite distance runner about training methods…or anything, for that matter.

What was funniest about today was that the runner biker chick led out the climb up the reservoir for the first mile and dropped all but three or four guys. Advice sausage was farther back than the last century.

Advice sausages, though, don’t care if they’ve been dropped or if the object of their advice is an accomplished athlete. They equate “new” with “stupid,” “chick” with “helpless,” and “decrepit old gummer” with “Dog’s gift to the ladies.”

Of course, the true advice sausages are equal opportunity idiots. They’ll share their stupitude with anyone. If you let them.

The heavy responsibility of advice

It strikes me as odd that people aren’t more careful with their advice, especially us old sausages. The older I get, the more I realize what a complete dumbfuck I am. Three years ago I couldn’t speak a complete sentence without throwing in a reference to “power-based training” or “WKO+” or “functional threshold power.”

Today, being just as slow as I was then, if not slower, I’ve jettisoned everything, including the damned Garmin.

And I’m gonna pretend to lecture someone about how to train better? Ride faster? Win races?

As an old sausage myself, I can sometimes hardly help myself, like at TELO last week when New Girl was losing ten bike lengths every time she went around a turn. As I passed her, I said, “PEDAL through the turns!”

I had enough confidence to at least say that, although in retrospect, when someone is gassed and pounding to catch back up and the line is turning into a nasty, narrow, single-file, yelling advice at them is pretty stupid.

New Girl, though, thanked me later.

Hmmm…next time I see that other chick, maybe I’ll tell her what I think about her Q factor.

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