Cager dic

August 2, 2013 § 23 Comments

As a mutton-chopped, mutton-headed sausage who’s been crammed into lycra that would be over-revealing even if it weren’t three sizes too small, I often have a hard time understanding Cagelish. The way cagers speak is different from us. I’ve provided a cager dictionary to help explain some of their most common phrases.

It’s not in the usual order, but will be if they ever learn to alphabetize.

  1. Busy street: Place where I am currently driving my car. Usage: “Cyclists should never ride on busy streets.”
  2. Obey the traffic laws: Do something that I myself do not. Usage: “I hate those fucking cyclists because they refuse to obey the traffic laws.”
  3. Bicycle: Target. Usage: “There’s a bicycle.”
  4. That bicycle ran a stop sign: First element required in order to prove that cager’s invocation of Stand Your Ground was justified. Usage: “I was justified in using deadly force. I have it on video where that bicycle ran a stop sign.”
  5. Fucking faggot: Male bicycle rider. Usage: “Obey the traffic laws on this busy street you fucking faggot.”
  6. Fucking cunt: Female bicycle rider. Usage: “Obey the traffic laws on this busy street you fucking cunt.”
  7. I didn’t see him: I was texting. Usage: “Did I kill that bicyclist, officer? Oh, wow. I didn’t see him.”
  8. The bicyclist came from nowhere: I was fiddling with my car radio. Usage: “Did I run over and crush that bicyclist’s pelvis, officer? Oh, wow. The bicyclist just came from nowhere.”
  9. Your taxes don’t pay for these roads: You deserve to die. Usage: “Hey, you fucking faggot! Get off this busy street! Your taxes don’t pay for these roads, you asshole!”
  10. Ride on the sidewalk: If you don’t do as I advise  I will kill you. Usage: “Hey, you fucking cunt! Get off this busy street! Ride on the sidewalk!”
  11. Spin bike: What real cyclists do. Usage: “I would never ride on the road. It’s too dangerous. That’s why I love spinning at the spin class on my spin bike.”
  12. Bike path: Pedestrian zone. Usage: “Hey, you fucking faggot! You almost clipped my XXXL wife and twin baby stroller and three kids on leashes and my Irish Wolfhound! Ride on the fucking sidewalk or on the street, asshole!”
  13. Bicycle infrastructure plan: Scribblings of a lunatic. Usage: “I know how we can reduce congestion, clean the air, make people healthier, make them happier, and save money all at once while providing even MORE space for cagers. Let’s develop a bicycle infrastructure plan!”
  14. City council: Bicycle infrastructure plan crematorium. Usage: “Let’s take this bicycle infrastructure plan to the city council.”
  15. Stakeholder meeting: Public gathering where bicycle advocates are burned at the stake. Usage: “Let’s get grass roots consensus on this tiny bike lane on an unused street next to a school to make sure we don’t make any cagers crazier with rage than they already are by holding a stakeholder meeting.”
  16. Car: Means of conveyance guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, somewhere around the Second Amendment, or the Third. Usage: I drive a car.
  17. Parking space: Bike lane. Usage: “There’s a perfect parking space.”
  18. Bicyclist: Terrorist. Usage: “Let’s kill all the bicyclists.”
  19. Police: Lazy public employees who should be ticketing and jailing bicyclists. Usage: “Why don’t the police arrest all those scofflaw bicyclists?”
  20. Gym: Mirrored restaurant. Usage: “I hate bicycling. That’s why I go to the gym.”

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