Wankmeister cycling clinic #20: How to follow the Vuelta!

December 26, 2013 § 6 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

I’m recently becoming on the cycling fan. With usual German thoroughness I have learned with excellence how to understand the Tour of France and the Giro of Italy. Before I learn to follow the Vuelta, however, could you explain to me what it is?

Curiously,
Neu Gierig

Dear Neu:

It is the largest bicycle race in the world that no one cares about.

Mit Wahrheit,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

Sorry to bother you again, but if it’s such a big race, why doesn’t anyone care about it?

Still curious,
Neu Gierig

Dear Neu:

The main reason no one cares is that it’s a bike race, but there are other reasons too, like everyone using more illegal drugs at the Vuelta than the usual quota of illegal drugs at the other grand tours, and all the good riders quitting after a week or so in order to prep for worlds, and the same seven spectators who line the roads, and the fact that it’s in Spain, which most Americans confuse with Mexico and assume there’s a drug cartel on every corner waiting to kidnap them and sell their parts to be made into Al Contador’s beef.

Mehr Wahrheit,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

Wow, you sure are an asshole! The Vuelta is the most exciting of all the grand tours! Spain is a friggin’ beautiful country. Great wine and food and perfect weather and bitches. Eff you, Cap’n d-bag! Also, Horner rocks time a million!

Fanboyishly,
Fanny Boy

Dear Fanny:

“The most exciting of all the grand tours” still translates into “as exciting as watching someone diagram sentences.”

Gramatically,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

How would you compare the hardest climbs of the Vuelta, like the Angliru, with something like the Stelvio or the Alpe?

Comparatively,
Freddy Fredstone

Dear Freddy:

The main difference is that unlike the Alpe or the Stelvio, no one cares about the Angliru, and not just because it’s hard to pronounce. They don’t care because it’s part of the Vuelta. You could line the Angliru with porn stars and beer kegs and people still wouldn’t care. Wait a minute … I think we’re on to something.

Investingly,
Wankmeister

World’s greatest pro masters racer

October 10, 2013 § 16 Comments

We all know the essential characteristics of the pro masters racer — selfish, delusional, cheap, and self-serving to the extreme. Chris Horner, at age 41 the oldest winner of a Grand Tour, has no contract for next year. He went on twampage to vent his frustration in a charming series of tweets, which you can read here.

After digging around on the Internet, I came up with another series of tweets associated with the same Twitter account. Here they are:

12:09am Whined like a little bitch on the Twitter. #ididthat!

12:11am Never tested posative. #meandlancedidthat!

12:15am Spent years with one of the most corrupt teams in sports history. #ididthat!

12:19am Never new anyone was doping. #ididthat!

12:22am Gave doping testimony to USADA but had name redacted from report. #ididthat!

12:30am Published blood values but refused to answer journo’s questions about USADA report. #ididthat!

1:00am Intentionally chose this stupid sport as a “career” instead of getting an education. #ididthat!

1:01am Complained about it anyway. #ididthat!

1:09am Sacrificed everything I had four racing, which was, uh, nothing. #ididthatwithalltheother12kdreamers!

1:10am Believe that being a pro bike racer makes me special. #isodothat!

1:45am Ate a lot of Big Macs and told people, especially children, their healthy. #istilldothat!

1:48am Wondered why another aging star from the Big Dope era is a terrible investment. #ididthat!

2:59am Had one to many after dinner tonight. #ididthat! #belch

3:01am Broke wifes rule of “Thou shalt not tweet while hammered.” #ididthat! #notgettinanytonite

3:11am Through the phone threw the window because no knew contract offers came after tweet rant. #ididthat!

3:26am Realized that you cant get a new contract by being a whiney little bitch. #ididthat!

3:30am Did a Google search on “How too erase tweets forever.” #ididthat!

3:44am Got majorly bummed when I found out u cant. #fuckiwishihadntdonethat!

3:50am Checked SCNCA.org to see when masters racing starts next year in SoCal. #ididthatanditwasdepressingasshit!

All doped up (and nowhere to go)

September 15, 2013 § 22 Comments

Copied and pasted this awesome interview from Gazetta dello Sport (with the help of Google translate).

Interviewer: How does it feel to be the oldest ever winner of a Grand Tour?

Chris Horner: Old. Very old.

Int: Many say you achieved it through doping.

CH: Fuck them. People want to know what I was on? I was on my bike.

Int: You must admit that age 57 is quite old to be dominating athletes in their 20’s and 30’s in the prime of life.

CH: Yeah, it is. (Chuckles).

Int: And you must admit that having spent the majority of your career during the “Golden Era” of blood manipulation makes your victory more than a little suspect.

CH: Yep. Sure does. But you know what?

Int: What?

CH: I’ve never tested positive. And I’m the second most-tested athlete in the history of sport.

Int: You raced alongside Lance Drugstrong while the team was being run by “Chuckles” Bruyneel, who is now being investigated by the Belgian Cycling Federation for violating the first rule in the charter of that nation’s cycling bylaws.

CH: What rule is that?

Int: Don’t get caught.

CH: Right.

Int: So what do you have to say about the estimated VAM of 2034 and a power-to-weight ratio of 6.83 watts/kg on the climb to the finish at Peña Cabarga?

CH: What’s a VAM?

Int: It stands for “Vaglia Antimorto Muscatini.” In English, it means “Analysis of power and output vectors normalized by the number of completely doped and dropped Italians and Spaniards.”

CH: Never heard of it.

Int: Your power-to-weight ratio at at Peña Cabarga and on the Angliru was roughly equivalent to that of a 2-stroke motorcycle. How is that possible?

CH: Training and proper diet.

Int: But you are famous for eating McDonalds …

CH: Like I said.

Int: Given your age, your close affiliation with Drugstrong, and your dominance in a clearly juiced field, how can the fans have any confidence in this outcome?

CH: The fans are people. And people are stupid.

Int: But you can’t expect to fool them forever, can you?

CH: I don’t have to. There’s an entire industry of cycling publications that are standing in line to trumpet my success. They could give a shit about my drug usage as long as I sell copy and pimp product.

Int: The “fanboys with typewriters”?

CH: No. They use Word now.

Int: This makes you only the third American, behind LeMond and Hampsten, to win a Grand Tour. How does that feel?

CH: Uh, aren’t you forgetting someone?

Int: No.

CH: Lance. Lance won the Tour seven times.

Int: All of those wins were stripped by the World Anti Doping Agency Hypocrisy Council.

CH: Look, Lance won those Tours. He might have been juiced to the gills, but it was an even playing field. Like Hitler.

Int: Excuse me?

CH: Hitler killed millions. But so did Stalin. And Pol Pot. And Idi Amin. See? It was a level playing field. Their records stand.

Int: The next-oldest winner of any Grand Tour was 36, and the oldest victor of the Vuelta was Tony Rominger at 33, during the “anything goes” days of unlimited EPO. You’re almost 300 years older than Tony. How do you explain it?

CH: What is there to explain? I’ve never tested positive.

Int: On today’s stage up the Angliru you were formidable and repelled each of the attacks by Nibali, who won the Giro on more drugs than a horse farm. How do you explain it?

CH: Two words. Marginal gains and volcano doping.

Int: That’s four words.

CH: What do you assholes want? Extreme athletic performances or parking lot crits? Throw me into a 21-day concentration camp with climbs that make the Dolomites look like a pasture and I’m gonna do what it takes to win. Throw me into a CBR crit and …

Int: And?

CH: (Grins) I’m STILL gonna do what it takes to win.

END

Amgen Tour of California Cat 3 Road Race

May 16, 2012 § 5 Comments

I recently upgraded to Cat 3 and am pretty fucking proud of that. Participation in all those races was hard. So I showed up at the start in Santa Rosa for a same-day race reg, and guess what? Douchebaguettes wouldn’t let me enter. “No registration on race day,” or some bullshit. There wasn’t even a sign-in table for pre-regs.

Like I said, douchebaguettes.

But I didn’t go down without a fight. I got hold of the race director dude. “Yo, race director dude. How come there’s no race-day sign ups? This is bullshit.”

“Sorry. It’s a UCI invitation-only race. But there is an event for cyclo-dorks like you to ride around the course and feel like you’re racing.”

“Fuck that shit. I came to race. This is the fucking perfect Cat 3 race for me. A couple of these races have my fucking name engraved on them. I could upgrade to Cat 2.”

“Uh, this is a UCI pro race. Ever heard of Tom Boonen? Levi Leipheimer? Chris Horner? Peter Sagan?”

“Yeah. So?”

“They’re doing this race. It’s not a Cat 3 race.”

“First off, you’re a liar. Carl Sagan is dead. And he’s an astronomer.”

“Peter Sagan! The pro!”

“Peter, Paul, Mary, Carl, who gives a rat’s ass? It’s a fucking Cat 3 race and I want in.”

Security tries to stifle my First Amendment rights

“Security! Security!”

Anyway, they didn’t let me register. Since getting released from the facility, though, I’ve been following the race real closely. And let me tell you, it’s a fucking Cat 3 bike race if there ever was one.

First off, the same wanker has won every stage. Ever see that in a good Cat 2 race? Nope. So it’s a Cat 3 race from that standpoint.

Next, it’s total Cat 3 road racing. Ride flat for a hundred miles. Go over two hard hills. Everybody sprunt together. Now sure, most Cat 3 road races aren’t a hundred miles long, but they always stay together and end in a big ol’ sprunt. If it was even a half-assed 45+ RR, fuckin’ G$ or DQ Louie or THOG or DJ or Roadchamp would be cracking ass and spitting the wankers out on the first climb.

Next next, it’s total Cat 3 faux stage racing. Cat 3 stage races have a crit, a TT, and a RR. The winner of the TT wins the whole thing. Okay, you’re gonna be like “This is EIGHT stages!” and “There aren’t any CRITS!” Awright, douchebaguette, so instead of a crit it’s got seven “road” races. But just because you add a fake pair of tits and butt implants don’t make you a chick. This Cat 3 ATOC deal is gonna come down to the TT. You watch.

Lookit this fuckin thing. Three stages over all these supposedly hilly routes that are supposedly gonna bust up the whole race and supposedly make it a thriller and there are still like 400 dudes contending for the win ’cause they’re only 30 seconds back. I’m telling you this is Cat 3 shit.

Now, next next next, it’s fucking Cat 3 from top to bottom because if there’s one thing you know about Cat 3 racing it’s fucking sandbagging. There was never a sandbagger who sandbagged like a Cat 3 wanker. And what do you have here? Dudes who fucking won P-R, and all kinds of badass Euro shit, instead of manning up and riding the Giro which is a real fucking race, they’re douchebagging it in Cali, tweedling through the fucking desert and along the coast and up the anus of the Central Valley and through the rectum of Palmdale, getting their nutsacks licked at night by the fangirls and getting their nuthairs combed by the fanboy bloggers and charity riders I mean if you wanna talk sandbagging douchebaggery these dudes are Cat 3 all the way.

I’m gonna be there on Friday and Saturday, though. If it’s anything like a Cat 3 CBR crit, after they have a few off-the-backers and no-show-losers and got-a-booboo-on-my-elbow quitters, they’ll see me flash my $35 and I’ll have a number pinned to my ass quicker than you can say “Bag of pistachios to the winner of the next lap!”

Don’t look for me at the front, though. I’ll be sitting in for the sprunt. Cat 3 all the way, baby.

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