New Armstrong biopic sheds light on worst human ever

November 21, 2014 § 26 Comments

A new documentary about Lance Armstrong, following hard on the heels of the eye-popping biopics “Stop at Nothing,” “The Armstrong Lie,” and “Child Murderer at Dawn,” tells the never-before-told story of Armstrong’s connections to the mafia, the Yamaguchi-gumi, Barrio Azteca, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and Chase Bank.

While known mostly as a thief of childhood dreams and Betsy, not to mention being a colossal asshole who can’t drink a beer and run a mile, this new movie, entitled “Lance: Spawn of Satan,” details Armstrong’s complicity in some of the worst crimes and human rights abuses in history. Snoopy O’Flummigan, an independent filmmaker from Lancaster, CA, took three entire weeks to produce this riveting expose.

“Most people think that Lance was just your typical Texas Delta Bravo with a tiny wanker,” said O’Flummigan. “Few people know that he was worse than Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, and Rick Perry combined.”

The movie shows that in addition to masterminding the assassination of John F. Kennedy a full eight years before he was born, Armstrong set up a prison gulag system in the Texas Panhandle where dissident cyclists and Betsy were interned and deprived of Facebag, the Twitter, and access to online bicycle chat forums.

“It’s common knowledge that Armstrong stole the childhood dreams of millions of young children, children who simply wanted a chance to get brain cancer in order to have Lance send them an ‘attaboy’ and a signed t-shirt, only to find out that their hero was stealing their dreams and selling them on eBay. But hardly anyone knows about his work at Abu Graib, his legal treatises that legitimized torture, and his behind-the-scenes manipulations that brought Citizens United and Hobby Lobby to fruition as Supreme Court decisions that helped turn the U.S. into a far-right oligarchy. And you remember the dick-pic that Brett Favre sent to his masseuse? Lance did that, too.”

Whereas most books and movies currently detailing the “biggest fraud in sporting history” tend to focus on Armstrong’s drug use and the scorched earth tactics he employed to take down his detractors, O’Flummigan found the story to be more nuanced. “Lots of people think cheating is bad, and it is. But you have to balance that against Armstrong’s use of sarin gas against unarmed civilians in Syria, his human experiments on twins, and the way he set up extra-territorial renditions as a way to keep people quiet. His invention and aggressive peddling of mortgage-backed securities and credit default swaps, along with his lobbying to gut Sarbanes-Oxley and deregulate the banking industry are what single-handedly destroyed the world economy,” adds O’Flummigan. “He was a very bad boy.”

Leaders in the the Lance hating community have showered effusive praise on the biopic. “O’Flummigan has done what no filmmaker to date has dared,” said Tootsie Pookums, weekend cyclist and noted notary public. “He has proven that Lance was the gunman on the grassy knoll.”

When asked how Armstrong could have assassinated someone before he was alive, Pookums cited to the important work of John Stewart Bell and his proof of quantum entanglement theory. “Paired electrons exert an instantaneous effect on each other even when they are no longer paired,” said Pookums. “Lance’s electrons killed JFK after the fact.”

The Lance Jocksniffer Support Society, headed by a major cycling publication in Los Angeles, immediately condemned the documentary. “Lance didn’t do anything that Hitler didn’t do, and Betsy. Holding Lance to a higher standard than Hitler is unfair, and is making him a scapegoat. We demand that this trial-by-media immediately cease, and that he be allowed to shoot himself in a bunker 30 feet underground near the Reichstag in Berlin.”

The documentary will open in theaters throughout the Democratic Republic of Congo on November 28.

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