Miss Lonelypants gives saddle advice

March 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

I read this article on the internets and am really worried. It says for example “the more a person rides, the greater the risk of impotence or loss of libido,” and “A college student who had competed in rough cycling sports was unable to achieve an erection until microvascular surgery restored penile blood flow.” There was lots of other scary stuff to. It was medical and stuff. Anyways, I like my bicycle but I also like “Mr. Happy” (that’s what I call him–my GF call’s him “Mr. Shrimpers,” but won’t tell me why!!). What do you think about this?

Hypochondrically,
Sammy Shrivels

Dear Sammy:

I think she calls it Mr. Shrimpers because it’s…oh, never mind. It is true that the more a person rides, the greater the risk of impotence. Studies show that despite their top physical conditioning, after a 15-hour mountainous stage in the Tour, less than 1% of the finishers are capable of achieving an erection.

Factually limp,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

I like to ride my bike, and am faster than most of the other women, but of course there are lots of guys who are much faster than me. I hate it when I’m grinding on a long grade and some nasty ol’ pervert puts his hand on my butt, paws me a little, then gives me a “push” like he’s helping me. Is there a polite way to tell creeps like that to keep their hands to themselves?

Feministically,
Suzie B. Anthony

Dear Suzie:

When you get to be Miss Lonelypants’ age, and your pants are really lonely, you’ll treasure those moments when some sweaty, hairy, muscular, lascivious ol’ dog runs his hand up the inside of your thigh and gently “nudges” you up the hill…for thirty or forty minutes. Some of the best orga hill climbs in my life have occurred that way.

Blissfully,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

I’m thinking about joining a cyclists singles’ group. It seems like a great way to meet a woman who shares my interests. Thoughts?

Adventurously,
Allen Appleseed

Dear Allen:

Please check out CyclingSingles.com, and look carefully at the photos on the home page. What do you notice? Yes. The man looks like a starving Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he is wearing a Camelbak. Now then. Look at the woman. She is totally p*wning him on the downhill, and splashing the shit out of him as they rocket through the creek. Finally, they’re straddling their top tubes as the sun sets. Do you know what she’s saying? I do, because I was once that woman. She’s saying, “You are slow and weak and I don’t want to fuck you or even let you look at my ass from behind anymore. Please delete me from your account.” Still sound like a great way to meet women? Yes? You’re weird.

Matchdotcomingly,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

Okay, so next Saturday’s my gal’s birthday, and my gal’s not into the bike, and I’ve got a big race in Bakersfield so I’m, like, going to be back in LA late and tired and the gal’s gonna want me to celebrate her birthday and all that shit. So I’m trying to get her to go with me to the race and then we can hit the In-N-Out on the way back and maybe catch a early chick flick so I can be in bed to be rested for CBR on Sunday. If I do all that do I still need to get her a present I was thinking like maybe some bag refills for the vacuum cleaner.

Powerfully,
Androstene Diol

Dear Android:

Here are some ways to make her feel really special:

  1. Don’t race that weekend.
  2. Take the money you were going to spend on entry fees, gas, food, and equipment and buy her a nice gift–something she’ll treasure.
  3. Surprise her with an overnight trip to Catalina Island, a romantic dinner, and Sunday breakfast in bed.
  4. After breakfast, cuddle with her and use these words: “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

Just kidding! Sure, burgers and a movie will be fine, and don’t bother with a present, because IT’S THE LAST FUCKING BIRTHDAY SHE’LL EVER SPEND WITH YOU.

Assuredly,
Miss Lonelypants

Miss Lonelypants offers advice on your romantic quandaries

February 28, 2012 § 2 Comments

*Wankmeister has entered into a collaborative agreement with Pritzy Q. Lonelypants, the famed dating and romance advisor. She will be periodically contributing to Cycling in the South Bay with gobs of cotton wadding.

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

No matter how often I do the South Bay group rides, I can’t get a date. I’m fit, I’m fast on the bike, and I look pretty good in lycra. What am I doing wrong?

Prowlingly,
Wanda Willing

Dear Wanda:

Would you shop for a dildo in a place that specializes in refurbished alternators? Of course not. So don’t go man-hunting on the local group rides. First off, no matter how good you look, the sausages will try to drop you. Second off, if you’re really fast you’ll drop the sausages, and they’ll hate you forever. Third off, the only thing you look in lycra is cheap.

Straightly,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

I’m on my third South Bay cyclist boyfriend. What a loser. No job. No money. Rides all day. “Date night” means watching a video from last year’s Pro Tour, ending promptly at nine, after which it’s lights out, a smooch, and a river of snores. How do I hook a guy who’s into cycling AND who’s responsible/romantic/solid potential for changing poopy diapers?

Getting fed up,
Gloria Goalong

Dear Gloria:

The same way he gets a super-hot rich girlfriend who puts out whenever he wants. Detailed explanation of the procedure can be found by clicking on this link.

Mathematically not going to happen,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

My new BF and I go for long rides together. I really want to talk with him, but he’s so intent on riding and pedaling and watts and heartrates and such that we just don’t get to TALK talk except for “Car up!” and “Hole!” and “How’s your saddle sores?” and stuff like that. But no real TALK. How can I get him to be more communicative?

Loquaciously,
Lilly Laputa

Dear Lilly:

First off, don’t expect the sausages to talk on bike rides. For them, it’s the only time during their hectic workweek that they can focus on Strava. Then, once he’s off the bike, ask him about his daily training plan for 2012-2014. He’ll really open up.

Confidently,
Miss Lonelypants

Yo! Miz LP!

My old lady’s always pissed when I spend all day Saturday on the Donut pre-loop, the Donut proper, and the 2-hour post-Donut coffee cool down, and all day Sunday when I’m giving her paycheck to Chris Lotts and Charon down at the CBR races. I took her to watch me bust up the Cat 4 race but I got confused at the end and started my sprint with two to go instead of one which meant I got LAST. The old lady was not real happy. Ennyhoo, why’s she gotta always be so pissed? I let her watch all my Pro Tour videos if she wants to but fuckit man, she doesn’t WANT to. I let her take out my TT bike any time she wants but fuckit man, she doesn’t WANT to. I would dump her in a minute but I’ve been out of work since the economy crashed in ’92 and she’s got a pretty good job.

Help a buddy out,
Standup Sammy

Yo! Douchebag!

You should understand that it’s not the cycling she hates. It’s you.

Sisterly,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

There is a very aggravating jerk on all of the local South Bay rides. He is skinny, obnoxious, unpleasant to look at, has a little pot belly he’s always hiding with a tailored jersey, always cursing at people, a bad racer, a worse rider, and all he ever seems to do is ride his bike and blog about it…you can’t imagine what a complete jerk this guy is! Does he even HAVE a job? Anyway, I think I’m in love. Any tips?

Swooningly,
Petunia Prettyparts

Dear Petunia:

You poor thing. You’ve discovered the Wankmeister. Fortunately, he’s married, so he can only make one woman completely and utterly miserable. The rest of us are just partially miserable from having to be around him when he shows up on the Kettle or Donut. If you’re still hot to trot, though, you can forget about it. He’s all blather and no lather. And don’t worry–like a bowel movement, this too will pass.

Beentheredonethat,
Miss Lonelypants

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