Miss Lonelypants gives saddle advice

March 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

I read this article on the internets and am really worried. It says for example “the more a person rides, the greater the risk of impotence or loss of libido,” and “A college student who had competed in rough cycling sports was unable to achieve an erection until microvascular surgery restored penile blood flow.” There was lots of other scary stuff to. It was medical and stuff. Anyways, I like my bicycle but I also like “Mr. Happy” (that’s what I call him–my GF call’s him “Mr. Shrimpers,” but won’t tell me why!!). What do you think about this?

Hypochondrically,
Sammy Shrivels

Dear Sammy:

I think she calls it Mr. Shrimpers because it’s…oh, never mind. It is true that the more a person rides, the greater the risk of impotence. Studies show that despite their top physical conditioning, after a 15-hour mountainous stage in the Tour, less than 1% of the finishers are capable of achieving an erection.

Factually limp,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

I like to ride my bike, and am faster than most of the other women, but of course there are lots of guys who are much faster than me. I hate it when I’m grinding on a long grade and some nasty ol’ pervert puts his hand on my butt, paws me a little, then gives me a “push” like he’s helping me. Is there a polite way to tell creeps like that to keep their hands to themselves?

Feministically,
Suzie B. Anthony

Dear Suzie:

When you get to be Miss Lonelypants’ age, and your pants are really lonely, you’ll treasure those moments when some sweaty, hairy, muscular, lascivious ol’ dog runs his hand up the inside of your thigh and gently “nudges” you up the hill…for thirty or forty minutes. Some of the best orga hill climbs in my life have occurred that way.

Blissfully,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

I’m thinking about joining a cyclists singles’ group. It seems like a great way to meet a woman who shares my interests. Thoughts?

Adventurously,
Allen Appleseed

Dear Allen:

Please check out CyclingSingles.com, and look carefully at the photos on the home page. What do you notice? Yes. The man looks like a starving Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he is wearing a Camelbak. Now then. Look at the woman. She is totally p*wning him on the downhill, and splashing the shit out of him as they rocket through the creek. Finally, they’re straddling their top tubes as the sun sets. Do you know what she’s saying? I do, because I was once that woman. She’s saying, “You are slow and weak and I don’t want to fuck you or even let you look at my ass from behind anymore. Please delete me from your account.” Still sound like a great way to meet women? Yes? You’re weird.

Matchdotcomingly,
Miss Lonelypants

Dear Miss Lonelypants:

Okay, so next Saturday’s my gal’s birthday, and my gal’s not into the bike, and I’ve got a big race in Bakersfield so I’m, like, going to be back in LA late and tired and the gal’s gonna want me to celebrate her birthday and all that shit. So I’m trying to get her to go with me to the race and then we can hit the In-N-Out on the way back and maybe catch a early chick flick so I can be in bed to be rested for CBR on Sunday. If I do all that do I still need to get her a present I was thinking like maybe some bag refills for the vacuum cleaner.

Powerfully,
Androstene Diol

Dear Android:

Here are some ways to make her feel really special:

  1. Don’t race that weekend.
  2. Take the money you were going to spend on entry fees, gas, food, and equipment and buy her a nice gift–something she’ll treasure.
  3. Surprise her with an overnight trip to Catalina Island, a romantic dinner, and Sunday breakfast in bed.
  4. After breakfast, cuddle with her and use these words: “You’re the most important thing in the world to me.”

Just kidding! Sure, burgers and a movie will be fine, and don’t bother with a present, because IT’S THE LAST FUCKING BIRTHDAY SHE’LL EVER SPEND WITH YOU.

Assuredly,
Miss Lonelypants

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