All doped up (and nowhere to go)

September 15, 2013 § 22 Comments

Copied and pasted this awesome interview from Gazetta dello Sport (with the help of Google translate).

Interviewer: How does it feel to be the oldest ever winner of a Grand Tour?

Chris Horner: Old. Very old.

Int: Many say you achieved it through doping.

CH: Fuck them. People want to know what I was on? I was on my bike.

Int: You must admit that age 57 is quite old to be dominating athletes in their 20′s and 30′s in the prime of life.

CH: Yeah, it is. (Chuckles).

Int: And you must admit that having spent the majority of your career during the “Golden Era” of blood manipulation makes your victory more than a little suspect.

CH: Yep. Sure does. But you know what?

Int: What?

CH: I’ve never tested positive. And I’m the second most-tested athlete in the history of sport.

Int: You raced alongside Lance Drugstrong while the team was being run by “Chuckles” Bruyneel, who is now being investigated by the Belgian Cycling Federation for violating the first rule in the charter of that nation’s cycling bylaws.

CH: What rule is that?

Int: Don’t get caught.

CH: Right.

Int: So what do you have to say about the estimated VAM of 2034 and a power-to-weight ratio of 6.83 watts/kg on the climb to the finish at Peña Cabarga?

CH: What’s a VAM?

Int: It stands for “Vaglia Antimorto Muscatini.” In English, it means “Analysis of power and output vectors normalized by the number of completely doped and dropped Italians and Spaniards.”

CH: Never heard of it.

Int: Your power-to-weight ratio at at Peña Cabarga and on the Angliru was roughly equivalent to that of a 2-stroke motorcycle. How is that possible?

CH: Training and proper diet.

Int: But you are famous for eating McDonalds …

CH: Like I said.

Int: Given your age, your close affiliation with Drugstrong, and your dominance in a clearly juiced field, how can the fans have any confidence in this outcome?

CH: The fans are people. And people are stupid.

Int: But you can’t expect to fool them forever, can you?

CH: I don’t have to. There’s an entire industry of cycling publications that are standing in line to trumpet my success. They could give a shit about my drug usage as long as I sell copy and pimp product.

Int: The “fanboys with typewriters”?

CH: No. They use Word now.

Int: This makes you only the third American, behind LeMond and Hampsten, to win a Grand Tour. How does that feel?

CH: Uh, aren’t you forgetting someone?

Int: No.

CH: Lance. Lance won the Tour seven times.

Int: All of those wins were stripped by the World Anti Doping Agency Hypocrisy Council.

CH: Look, Lance won those Tours. He might have been juiced to the gills, but it was an even playing field. Like Hitler.

Int: Excuse me?

CH: Hitler killed millions. But so did Stalin. And Pol Pot. And Idi Amin. See? It was a level playing field. Their records stand.

Int: The next-oldest winner of any Grand Tour was 36, and the oldest victor of the Vuelta was Tony Rominger at 33, during the “anything goes” days of unlimited EPO. You’re almost 300 years older than Tony. How do you explain it?

CH: What is there to explain? I’ve never tested positive.

Int: On today’s stage up the Angliru you were formidable and repelled each of the attacks by Nibali, who won the Giro on more drugs than a horse farm. How do you explain it?

CH: Two words. Marginal gains and volcano doping.

Int: That’s four words.

CH: What do you assholes want? Extreme athletic performances or parking lot crits? Throw me into a 21-day concentration camp with climbs that make the Dolomites look like a pasture and I’m gonna do what it takes to win. Throw me into a CBR crit and …

Int: And?

CH: (Grins) I’m STILL gonna do what it takes to win.

END

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