Zabel re-confesses to doping

July 31, 2013 § 16 Comments

Sprint ace Erik Zabel, four-time winner of Milan-San Remo and six-time winner of the Tour de France’s coveted green jersey has re-confessed to multiple doping offenses after samples from the 1998 Tour were re-analyzed, confirming the presence of EPO in his blood.

Zabel previously confessed in 2007 to having used EPO a single time in 1996. Below is a transcript of the press conference held yesterday by Vattenfall, the German race organizer for whom Zabel worked as race consultant until today.

ZDF (German TV broadcaster): So you’re confessing to more extensive drug use than in your previous confession?

Zabel: Yes. I’m re-confessing.

ZDF: So you’re saying you used more drugs than only that one time?

Zabel: That’s correct.

ZDF: How often did you dope?

Zabel: Every single day. I doped in the off season. I doped during the season. I doped even after quitting a race, just to make sure I didn’t fall behind. I doped on my honeymoon. Viagra.

VN (American Cycling Publication): So what you’re saying is that you cheated, with drugs?

Zabel: Absolutely. My entire career. The only time I didn’t use drugs before a race was during a winter training crit in Dortmund, in 2001. My pharmacist had run out of drugs. I fired him, you can be sure.

VN: You didn’t really know you were cheating, though, did you?

Zabel: Of course I did, you numbnuts. That’s why we did it on the down low. We learned as small children in East Germany that cheating was morally wrong and completely unconscionable unless you never got caught, in which case you made millions and got to boink the podium girls. I even married one.

VN: You were forced into doping by the evil East German system, weren’t you?

Zabel: Not at all. Nobody forced me to do anything. I wanted to win and didn’t care what I had to sacrifice. I would have sold my grandparents into slavery or drunk American beer if that’s what it took.

ZDF: American beer?

Zabel: Okay, I’m exaggerating. But you get the point.

CN (Australian online cycling web site): Mr. Zabel, isn’t it true that everyone was doping and you had to use drugs? The system was rigged, wasn’t it? You were just a victim, weren’t you?

Zabel: I suppose you could say it was rigged, but it’s a lie that everyone was doping. My masseuse never doped. Anyway, what did I care? I won MSR. Four fucking times. You know what that feels like?

CN: What?

Zabel: It’s like having a hundred orgasms at once. Times a million billion trillion.

GdS (Italian cycling magazine): But this doping, since everyone did it, it was a level playing field, right?

Zabel: Sure. Just like when a bunch of banks conspire to wreck the economy. Among the cheaters and thieves, we were equal.

GdS: And those who didn’t dope weren’t good enough anyway, were they? You can’t make a race horse out of a donkey, can you? Heh, heh.

Zabel: I’m sure there were many great racers who chose not to dope. You know what we called them? Chumps. Look it up.

GdS: Chumps?

Zabel: Fuckin-A. I made a fortune. My stockbroker invested wisely. For the price of an apology and a couple of press conferences I got a killer house, a smokin’ hot wife, and four MSR wins. The chumps are flipping burgers or writing anonymous hate mail to bikeforums.com. Fuck them. Losers.

L’E (French cycling magazine): In your previous confession you were very tearful and admitted to only using EPO once. Why? Did you fear the omerta?

Zabel: You fuckers crack me up. Quit watching so many Godfather movies. Why would I possibly be scared of a bunch of skinny manorexics?

L’E: Then why did you confess as you did?

Zabel: Because I’m a liar. And a drug addict. What, are you the stupidest person ever born?

L’E: But it was the system that made you an addict, wasn’t it? You were helpless against the force of history, correct?

Zabel: I was an addict because I liked kicking ass on the French on the Champs Elysees. You don’t make it to the top of the East German sports hierarchy without making some choices.

L’E: But of course you regret your partial confession, don’t you? The system wouldn’t have understood if you had made a full confession, correct?

Zabel: Fuck the system. I shed a couple of crocodile tears, ‘fessed up to some minor crap and landed a gig as pro consultant to Vattenfall. What’s not to like?

ZDF: But the new cycling is clean, is it not? Your son Rick would never dope, and he is in a new system, correct?

Zabel: Look, chump, anyone who would send his kid off into the pro peloton and not expect him to be a crazed drug addict is nuts. Rick’s a grown man. When the time comes and they offer to shoot his pecker up with the latest wonder drug, he’ll know what to do.

VN: If you could do it all over again you wouldn’t do it, would you?

Zabel: Okay, you’re the second stupidest person in history. Of course I would. Do drugs, boink podium girls, make millions … what part of “make millions” and “boink podium girls” do you not understand?

CN: Mr. Zabel …

Zabel: STFU. (Answers cell phone). Yeah, okay. Hey guys, gotta go. My Bentley’s out of the shop now. Any more questions, email my agent.

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