Interbike 2013 product review

September 25, 2013 § 22 Comments

Interbike this year was awesome beyond words. The prostitutes looked even younger than they did last year, the liquor was just as strong, and the products on display were mind-blowing. Next year I might even go. Here’s a recap of some the show’s highlights, in case you stayed home due to work, fears of STD’s, etc.

  1. Jaw-based power meter by S-WANK: Unlike traditional power meters, which read output at the crank, hub, or pedal spindle, the “Powerwanker” reads wattage at the place where cyclist generate the most power — their ever-yakking mandibles. According to Sven Svenson, the next generation of the “Powerwanker” will read wattage at the cyclist’s second-greatest output source. “His finger when he’s all a-typin’ on the Twitter and blogger forum crap.” Suggested retail price: $3,999.99.
  2. Rope-a-Dope home drug testing kit: Brought on largely by the growing SoCal masters racing scene, this handy-dandy home drug kit can tell you just how much more EPO, testosterone, tainted beef, or volcano dope you can ingest before you test positive and aren’t allowed to win any more Clif bars. A supplemental “Rage  Gauge” allows simultaneous testing of your violent, steroid-induced mood swings, allowing you to know when you’re more likely to beat up a competitor or kick your dog. Suggested retail price: $289.00 for the kit, testing refills @ $4.99 each.
  3. Krispy Kreme nutritional bar:  Made out of pure butter, flour, and deep-fried in fresh canola oil, the Krispy Kreme “Healthnut” is an oval ride snack with a little hole in the middle for easy grip/fishing out of your back jersey pocket. The Healthnut contains one essential nutrient (sugar), and several nonessential ones that nonetheless taste great (butter, oil, more sugar). The Healthnut comes in four flavors: glazed, chocolate-covered, sprinkles, and old-fashioned. Suggested retail price: $1.00/ea.
  4. The Ride Excusifier: This clever app, downoaded onto your smart phone, provides a quick and appropriate response through your phone’s mic every time your significant other complains about your excessive cycling. Including old standbys like “At least I’m not a whore-hopping coke-head,” and “This new carbon rig is cheaper than heart surgery,” the folks at Stand Your Ground, Inc., have added some excuses that are sure to keep the missus (or the mister) tongue-tied long enough for you to clip in and roll out the drive. My favorites were “I promise I won’t be late again!” and “Aaaaaaaahhhh!” shouted in a suicidal wail. Suggested retail price: $4.99.
  5. Mr. Sockmeasure: How many times have you pulled out a pair of socks and discovered that they’re slightly unequal lengths because you have several identical pairs but they’ve been re-paired with socks that aren’t their “true” partner? Think of all the times this has ruined your ride or made you late as you try on all forty-two pairs to get the exact match. Well, with Mr. Sockmeasure, those days are gone! This handy sock-shaped measure, which attaches to the outside of your dryer, lets you carefully check each sock before folding. From OCD Products, Inc.: $16.99.
  6. The Ronco “Tireflopper”: How many times have you been eating shit ten miles off the back in a brutal road race with 40 miles to go, uphill, into a sandstorm, with no chance of anything except failure, but still too much pride to quit? The Tireflopper attaches to the inside of your valve stem and is voice-activated by shrieking “Oh, fuck!” or “Kill me now!” which triggers a complete release of all the air in your tire. You can then stand by the road looking faux glum and ride home in the sag wagon. (Note: must be used with the “Derailing Derailleur,” a spring-loaded mechanism that prevents any other rear wheel from fitting into the rear drop-outs. Without this, the follow car will simply change your wheel and send you on your way.) Suggested retail price: $98.99.
  7. Aaron Rents “Hand-up Bitch”: Tired of running around at the last minute trying to get some chick or dude to give you hand-ups in the middle of a 110-degree dropfest out in Bakersfield? Embarrassed by not having anyone to cheer wildly at your 37th placing in the Cat 5 crit? Aaron Rents now offers a male or female rental Hand-up Bitch who will stand out in the hot sun, give you shit that’s not going to help, and clap happily when you achieve the impressive goal of not dying. $150/hr., blowjobs extra.


§ 22 Responses to Interbike 2013 product review

  • Peter Schindler says:

    Please send the Sockmeasure. COD is fine. This is a brilliant invention.

  • Dr. Bob says:

    love the Ronco tireflopper; BTW, the term “lower mandible” is redundant. There is only one mandible, and it is where it is, right below the maxilla. Sorry to pick nits.

  • winemaker says:

    I just love @2 (Rope-a-Dope home drug testing kit)…just in time…I was about to start the off season training thing again, and now, realizing all the 55+ or 60+ SoCal fast guys are juiced, I can comfortably have sausage, eggs, and a nice Rhone blend for breakfast, and forget about all that suffering crap.

  • Brian Crommie says:

    damn funny!

  • Joe Camacho says:

    Is there a minimum age for the rope a dope kit? I may want to start early. fake id option?

  • I needed the TireFlopper during the Nationals Criterium…I …(and you) got the next best thing!…the Ronco WankerFlopper! Expensive? Yes…but you get what you pay for…a Wanker hits the deck in front of you in a race, just enough to gap you out, but not bad enough to take you down…dog forbid!…then you would earn a free lap..(we all know, you don’t get a free lap, if you DON’T have a broken femur or your eyes are hanging out or something…) so, you are out of the race, and it’s not your fault! $2,999…
    I was wondering if you would split that with me….I just got the bill!

  • Di2 Flail-n-Fail…a tiny button discreetly hidden under the bar tape manually triggers both derailleurs to shift into your hardest gear and stay there. The whole Di2 system will have to be re-whatevered at an authorized re-whatevering shop before it will shift down again.

    Hit the button when you are totally gassed in the middle of a long climb and have lost the will to live. Renders the bike unridable, and you retire with dignity, cursing the miracle shifters.

    This was seen in Beta testing at several climbing races this season.
    Only $99.99…plus an outrageous charge to reset the thing each time.

    • fsethd says:

      I hope you’ve registered the phrases “re-whatevered” and “re-whatevering shop,” because if not, please consider it stolen.

  • Dandy says:

    About time someone thought of the hand up bitch. I could use one for like every race…

  • DrDave says:

    Did they have a traffic signal preemption switch like the firefighters have? For cycling it would be rigged so that the light turns red when you are chasing to get back on and just can’t make contact, forcing the group to stop.

  • Mike says:

    I’m totally in for the Hand-up Bitch, but only if I get a discount for blow-jobs ordered in bulk.

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