Hi, Mom — hope the hogs are okay (Part 8)

September 16, 2014 § 8 Comments

Hi, Mom

Wow, I’m really sorry to hear that TCEQ has come down hard on Pap. I can’t believe that would happen in a free country like America. The Pilkingtons are a bunch of crybabies and always have been ever since we used to beat up little Brucie-poo back in kindergarten. If they don’t like the smell of the hog farm why don’t they just move? And all those people who complain about the hogs*** and chemicals from Pap’s farm that gets into the groundwater, I bet you don’t hear them complaining about our hog farm at breakfast when they’re stabbing each other’s hands with their forks to see who gets the last slice of bacon.

It is so unfair and I hope his appeal passes. Reagan was right when he said government is the problem, mom, it sure is. By the way, I’m glad that Pap is still getting his hog producer subsidy payments from the Dept. of Ag. That’s the least our nation can do for his service.

Anyway, as you can probably imagine things have not gone too smoothly with Cindy, and thanks for the $500, but she has already spent it. We enjoyed three or four Totino’s extra large with some silver bullets, that is some good eating, mom!!

But anyway Cindy has been a big pain and I was right she came out here because she’s lonely but you will be shocked to hear that I think she has been playing me. She went into the toilet to wash the pizza stains off her t-shirt (do you remember that Hogs & Dogs tee that Pap gave her when she came over last Christmas, the one with the guns and the dog dressed up like Jesus with the AK-47 shooting up the atheists, that one) and I took a look at her cell phone.

I typed in the password “password” and it worked, Cindy isn’t the brightest Taser in the utility belt. Anyway guess who gave her the bright idea to come out here, yep, Higgins. They have been texting each other for, get this, the last two years. It made me furious to read some of that stuff, he calls her pussy cat, yeah, more like alley cat who will scratch your eyes out for a can of food or a rummage through your dumpster.

Higgins has her thinking I’m getting canned from Team Ding-a-Ling and they will give my apartment to him. Higgins is living over in North Hollywood with some guys he says that’s where the movie stars are and she’s all starry-eyed (get the joke, mom?). Movie-stars and starry-eyed, ha ha! I may have a future in comedy here yet! Ha, ha!

And she has said some very bad things about your son that I can’t repeat here because it’s not the kind of language you’re used to. Anyway, she’s sleeping on the floor for sure tonight, I’m going to teach her a lesson plus I need the rest to be ready for another big training ride here called the New Pier Ride or NPR for short.

It is a sprinter’s course, so Higgins won’t be there unless someone lends him a motorcycle or a new pair of legs. To be honest I had a tough time on all those climbs on the Donut Ride. That skinny guy Derek I told you about he is a good climber and man he can drink a lot of beer although actually I would like to see him try to go toe-to-toe with me on a couple cases of silver bullets. He will be on the NPR tomorrow and he told me about some other guys there who I will have to I’m sorry to say open up the can on.

The big dog around here according to Krankewitz is some guy named Bahati I will have to school him too with a big old helping of Whup A**. This is how we do it in Texas is what I will tell him.

I LOVE YOU, MOM!! and if you could put in $50 that would be awesome!! LOVE YOU!!

Your son Billy Blitzkrieg

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