Top 10 stupid cycling resolutions you can abandon now
January 6, 2015 § 31 Comments
Well, it’s January 6, which means that most of us have already shed the resolutions we never planned to live up to anyway. However, a few stubborn mules are still endeavoring to persevere in order that they can be one of the eight percent who are successful at keeping their resolution.
“Eight percent?” you’re thinking. “That’s almost one in ten! I’d go to Vegas with those odds!”
Yep, except that 55% of your co-Americans usually don’t even bother. Still, it’s Tuesday, which means you made it through the Monday after the extended Christmas – New Year holiday, which means that you might be thinking that anything is possible.
It isn’t. Especially with cycling. Below are the resolutions to go ahead and quit now.
- “Lose weight so I can climb better.” It won’t help. You’re not a bad climber because you’re too fat, you’re a bad climber because you have tiny lungs, a tiny heart, weak legs, and the kind of mind that, when given a choice, will always choose a double cheeseburger over two more hard climbs. So enjoy the food.
- “Quit drinking so I can lose weight.” There’s only one reason to quit drinking, and that’s because it’s ruining your fuggin’ life. Quitting to lose weight is like amputating your arm in order to boost your ratio of watts per kilogram. It won’t work. Why? Because drinking doesn’t make you overweight, eating makes you overweight, and when you’re drunk you eat too much. “Aha!” you say. “So if I stop drinking I’ll eat less!” No. If you stop drinking all of the stress that you were trying to drive away with alcohol will descend upon your narrow shoulders like a herd of wildebeests, and the only way you will be able to cope with the stress is by eating. So, if you must quit drinking, do it because it’s your fourth DUI and you look terrible in orange.
- “Do more interval training.” Interval training plans are destined to fail because they hurt a lot and they make you tired. If you wanted to hurt a lot and be tired more you would stay at work longer and make more money. Also, if you quit doing the local group rides for interval training no one will admire your new outfit and fancy wheels because intervals, like practicing “Smoke on the Water,” has to be done alone.
- “Log more quality miles.” By this you probably mean you intend to ride at a slightly higher average pace with better riders. Nope, and nope. The better riders will string you along until you’re exhausted, then Tony Godzella will drop you somewhere along a puma-infested road. You’ll straggle home lots slower than if you’d just ridden with the usual gang of idiots, and you’ll miss the next four days of training hooked up to your recovery I.V. drip.
- “Race more.” Noooooo way. You’ll peak in Feb., and by early March your S/O will be carping about entry fees, broken frames, fractured bones, and time spent away from all that shrieking, plate-throwing, domestic bliss. By April you’ll be in off season mode.
- “Spend more time with the family.” Uh, whatever. Haven’t you ever noticed that you ride a bike because of your family?
- “Get my [husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend] into cycling.” This is a recipe for utter hell. Don’t even think about it unless you want to watch Mitzy tump over at the stop sign trying to get her foot out of the pedal, scrape her ankle, and blame you for the rest of your life because she now has an unsightly scar that looks tacky in a bikini. Plus, it will double your bike expenses. See #6 above.
- “Hammer less and enjoy the ride more.” Look. You know and I know that bicycling isn’t about enjoyment. It’s about pounding yourself into dogmeat, and hopefully dragging some other hapless sod through the meatgrinder while you’re at it. If dog had wanted us to smell the roses on our bikes he wouldn’t have placed our noses so close to the preceding rider’s bunghole.
- “Spend less time on Strava.” Puhleeeeze. You have the phone app. It’s on your laptop and desktop. You follow 700 people and know their data for the last two months. Quitting Strava makes kicking heroin look easier than spitting out sour milk. Strava is your life, and without it you wouldn’t know what to do. ‘Fess up. It’s okay. Only 11 steps to go.
- “Stop talking about cycling at the dinner table, and, well, everywhere.” You know why this is a bad idea? Go ahead and try it. You’ll find out that you have nothing else to talk about. You’ll sit there at the table or at the coffee shop mute and stupid as a triathlete. Instead of being seen as a one-dimensional cycling loser, you’ll be seen as a brainless nitwit. Small distinction, I know, but.
So, I know you’re really bummed out, but worry not. Tomorrow we’ll have a set of cycling resolutions you can actually keep. Stay tuned.
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