Strava proudly announces first lawsuit of 2015
January 14, 2015 § 20 Comments
Two weeks after revealing the new Empty Cups and Trinkets program for 2015, Strava proudly announced the first major lawsuit of 2015. Puddsy McPutz, age 75, collapsed atop Mt. Landfill, a local KOM in eastern Kentucky situated between the Flemingsburg Meat Packers and the Fleming County Cemetery.
According to the Fleming County Coroner and Horse Veterinarian, Bubba Workman, “Puddsy’s ticker done popped. Which is a durn shame.” The massive myocardial infarction occurred at exactly 12:01 AM, January 1, 2015, according to Mr. McPutz’s Strava data, a few seconds after he took the 2015 KOM for Mt. Landfill. EMS attempts to revive Mr. McPutz with paddles and a few swallows of moonshine were ineffectual, and he was pronounced dead at the scene.
According to Mr. McPutz’s widow, Elvira McPutz (nee Heffalump), “Puddsy found out that Strava was resetting all the KOM’s for 2015, so he left the house at 11:50 PM on New Year’s Eve, we live just up the street from the landfill, you know, and he finally felt like he had a shot at getting that KOM because we usually get a good southerly wind after sundown which you can tell because that skunky smell from the landfill fills up the house. He wanted to be the first bicycle rider up Mt. Landfill in 2015, that was his goal, to get one of those empty cups he had been telling us about over dinner, we were having his favorite meal, creamed corn with tuna casserole. And it killed him deader than when Reverend Smoots got struck by lightning at the water treatment facility that time he was giving a holy Baptist massage to Mrs. Hutchins while her husband was on a fishing trip.”
According to papers filed in the Fleming County Courthouse, McPutz’s widow has named Strava as the sole defendant in a wrongful death action, accusing the virtual bike racing company of “encouraging, aiding, abetting, and downright acting like sonsofbitches” with regard to McPutz’s death.
Attorney Seffy Tootincamp, local Flemingsburg attorney and noted notary public who filed the lawsuit, said that “Ol’ Puddsy ain’t never hurt a flea. Them folks at Stravver done made him ride up Mt. Landfill and get hisself killed. And that ain’t the half of it. Elvira’s sister Hortense Heffalump had been bicycle riding with Puddsy for the last few years, you’d see her straddled all over that bicycle seat spread out like a warm breakfast, ‘course it made people talk, what with Hortense havin’ split up with Farmer Dinkins back in ’69, but Puddsy done said there warn’t nothin’ to it they was just exercising together even though the way Hortense had all her groceries on display with that skintight bicycling outfit, you know ever’ time she threw a leg over that bicycle you was durn near ready call in for a cleanup on Aisle 9, but anyway Hortense said that Puddsy had given up on Stravver several years ago ’cause couldn’t nobody get the trophy-dealie for the landfill climb anymore not ever since Hoss Sagbottom had quit lawnmower racin’ and got into bicycle Stravver racing, can you believe Hoss rode his bicycle up that dang hill in five minutes flat? It’s darn near long as a football field and steep as a wheelchair ramp.”
According to attorney Tootincamp, “Them Stravver fellers is gonna have to fork over some real dollars for takin’ Puddsy’s life like that. He was a good ol’ boy, had the best durn still in Flemingsburg, and that’s sayin’ somethin’.”
Fleming County Judge Jimmy Foxworthy was less sanguine about the prospects of the litigation. “I can sort of see where Elvira is coming from, we all liked Puddsy, and his Christmastime Fire on the Mountain Mason Jar Special would grow hair on a carburetor, but from my way of thinking, you tell a jury of your peers in these parts that an old boy died riding a bicycle in his underwear at midnight out by the landfill because of the Internet, and you blame it on anything except the fact that he was a few burritos shy of a full fiesta, well, your average Fleming County jury is probably going to think that Mr. McPutz needed killing. But that’s just my opinion.”
Attorney Alistair Bilkington, of the Palo Alto high-tech defense firm Hoity, Toity & Preen, was dismissive of the suit. “What we have here is a lack of personal responsibility. Our 21-page, 2-point-type EULA and Waiver and Unqualified Admission of Guilt, which every Strava user must sign, specifically says that ‘Everything is my 100% my fault.’ It’s the most comprehensive waiver in the business. We are confident that the good citizens of Fleming County will wholly reject the baseless claims of the McPutz estate.”
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