The fattening

April 21, 2015 § 25 Comments

It is an unfortunate characteristic of cyclists, especially those who have signed up for the 2015 Belgian Waffle Ride, that they only focus on the slaughter.

“It’s gonna be sooooo hard.”

“Hope my gonads don’t permanently retract.”

“There’s over 40 miles, metric and English, of dirt!!!”

“Dood. Yer gonna need wider tars. Thicker rims. Leaden-er frame.”

“Mxyzptlk.”

I understand that, with the exception of carbon, nothing is as much fun as “hard.” So let’s all agree that the 2015 BWR will be hard. Hard for winners. Hard for hardmen, hard for hardwomen, hard for finishers, and insanely hard for non-cycling spouses who must endure the months of dinnertime drivel with a fake pastiche of an interested smile flitting across their visages.

And now that we’ve all agreed that the slaughter is gonna be hard, and therefore fun in a root canal kind of way, let’s talk about something that will actually be fun in the objective, non-sado/masochistic sense: The Saturday BWR Expo Drunkfest Foodfest Fattening of the Lambs held on Saturday, April 25.

You see, prior to eating four grains of rice, shitting thrice from pre-ride anxiety, and rolling out in order to immediately get dropped on race day (I mean ride day), there will be a ritual lamb fattening exercise at The Lost Abbey brewery in San Marcos, which also happens to be the start/finish on race day. (Kidding, it’s not really a race, it’s more like a bumpy coffee cruise.)

The expo center will, like all expo centers, be filled with some things that interest you and with other things that do not. I can tell you in advance that no matter what you do there, you must drink copious amounts of Lost Abbey beer. Do this for me and for the handful of other struggling drunks for whom a fattening event and finishing area surrounded by free-flowing taps of some of the world’s finest ales is like offering someone dying of thirst all the water he wants as long as he first eats a block of salt studded with razor blades.

Yes indeed, take the opportunity to swizzle and guzzle and hoozle and fozzle because the beer will be fresh, foamy, delectable, and best of all you can search me out at the expo while holding the mug up under my nose and then stare cruelly at me saying this: “You know you want it. You know you can’t have it. It’s soooooo good.”

Then you can take a long draught and say, “Want a sip? Just one. A tiny one. It won’t hurt and I won’t tell. Here. On me.”

Then after they’ve cuffed and stuffed me and taken you off to the morgue I won’t have to ride the BWR the next day.

So, what are my other picks for the expo? Here are the top three, in this exact order of importance:

  1. Food by Sam Ames. Sam is a native of Bakelahoma, a city in the Central Valley that combines the very worst qualities of redneck California and the best qualities of Oklahoma (there aren’t any). If you are rude to women, mean to little kids, or just an all-purpose asshole, in addition to making the best food you’ll ever eat indoors or out, Sam will also provide you with a butt-kicking to take home and show all your friends along with, hopefully, a brand new set of manners to go with your teeth-replacement-therapy. Sam’s cooking is delightful, filling, and just exactly what you hope that Neil Shirley, Phil Tinstman, Ryan Trebon, and the other handful of BWR assassins will overdose on prior to the race. I mean the ride. Sam’s food creations will also go a long way to pacifying your S.O. for having to hang out with your biker friends. Also, make extra good friends with Greg, the guy with the giant carving knife and the extra-large serving spoon.
  2. Carbon wheels by FastForward. After drinking a gallon of Lost Abbey beer and swallowing a few pounds of Bakelahoma barbecue, you will need some really fast, light, beautiful, affordable carbon racing wheels. Why? Because carbon. I can personally vouch for the difference that a pair of great carbon racing wheels made of 100% carbon will make on race day, just not on the BWR race day, I mean ride day. For the BWR you should try to get a next-day shipment from http://www.concretewheelsets.com.
  3. Pooky Festersore’s Offended Tent. Pooky sets up his world-famous offended tent at major exhibitions around the world to allow people who are offended to come by and vent their anger at unflattering portrayals in the media, insulting jokes, having had sand kicked in their face during childhood, or edgy event press releases. In addition to a giant feather pillow with the center hollowed out so as not to exacerbate existing butt hurtedness, tent visitors will, for $17.99, receive a framed apology for whatever it was that offended them along with a free pack of tissues and a pat on the back.

So whether you’re looking for great beer, great food, carbon, or a sympathetic shoulder to whine on, the BWR expo will have it all. You’ll leave full, happy, expectant, and ready to be disemboweled on Sunday. Enjoy!

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§ 25 Responses to The fattening

  • Jeff says:

    ” …and insanely hard for non-cycling spouses who must endure the months of dinnertime drivel with a fake pastiche of an interested smile flitting across their visages.”
    What? She’s not truly interested in my choice of tire? I married a pro!

  • Tom Paterson says:

    None of my business, but my birthday was yesterday and even though I’m really fuggin’ old now, the sun came up again this morning and even-even with the problems and difficulties in my own fuggin’ messed-up, my-fault life, it looked really beautiful out there, and apparently the birds thought so, too.

    Anyhow, I think I read this somewhere:
    “A willingness to help others plainly in need is a sign of a healthy turning outward.”

    Beats the crap, so to speak, out of any craven and humiliating “Steps” apology, in my totally unsolicited opinion.

    I was gonna start taking a little walk around the complex in the morning, after first cup, ebay, and CITSB. Gotta go. Thanks, good piece as always, Mr. W.

  • Sandy says:

    FastForward = “affordable”? I live in a different universe. My 1985 Mavic GP 4s – still totally in true after untold miles – plus my Campy Mercx, plus all the beer I could ever drink, are still priced under those wheels. But, hey, let’s save a few grams, eh! Even my new Felt is about 1/2 the cost. I should have gone to law school…..

    To be fair to the Mighty Wank, I am looking at carbon wheels……

    • fsethd says:

      Here is the only test of affordable for a SoCal masters profamateur: Will the expense cause you to get evicted? It’s unaffordable.

  • um. says:

    Gawd it’s gonna be a hard day. 13.6 mph average or a DNF. Shit. I’m drinking my beer at home where I can cry in private.

  • Tamar T. says:

    Each and every man and woman who rolls up to the starting line is a hero. I’ll be with you in spirit and full of awe. Take care, my friends, stay safe, and you’re all crazy, but in an admirable, brave, good way.

  • Brian in VA says:

    Wishing you all hearty appetites, strong legs, and a powerful will to compete and/or survive.

    Oh, and may your carbon be light!

  • MnMDan says:

    Sunday Beer hand-up at mile 70 ensures a worthwhile reason for not making the cutoffs.

  • Alan says:

    As for the ride “Try? Try not. Do or do not… there is no try” – Yoda
    And the after ride festivities – “Stay strong my friend” – The Worlds most Mysterious Man
    And for you “Good luck Wanker!” – Me

  • sibex9591 says:

    I especially liked the link to no where. I am sure I am not the only one to say “Concrete Wheelsets? That could be interesting!”

  • Waldo says:

    Still “The Fattening?” I hope you’re penning the next War and Peace, making us wait for the next post. Sheesh!

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