UCI discovers honest pro cyclist

February 1, 2016 § 28 Comments

This weekend the cycling world was stunned to learn that what for years was simply a rumor, is in fact true. According to an investigation launched by the UCI, there is now proof of mechanical doping in the pro peloton. However, the UCI revealed an even more stunning discovery just a few hours later.

After three years of intensive investigation that spanned six continents and involved background checks of thousands of riders, “We have found an unimpeachably honest pro cyclist,” announced president Brian Cookson.

The rider, Stanley Olive, was found living in a small apartment in Ghent. Olive rides for the Continental IV mostly-professional-except-Mondays-through-Fridays-level team of Sam’s Pantry Meats and Lawn Furniture. “He’s really honest,” enthused Cookson, “and has never been known by anyone to lie, cheat, OR steal. He’s a real find.”

Olive, who was raised in East Framington, has lived in Belgium for twelve years pursuing his dream of racing professionally full time. “I’ve done a bit of everything,” said Olive when contacted by CitSB, “except drugs, mechanical doping, trading victories for cash payoff agreements, fixing local crits with the combine, cutting the course when the commissars aren’t watching, using illegal equipment, hanging onto team cars, and lying about my whereabouts to the doping authorities.”

When asked how that was working out for him, Olive replied, “It’s been rough.”

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§ 28 Responses to UCI discovers honest pro cyclist

  • dangerstu says:

    No No, I don’t believe it, it’s just impossible.

  • Tamar T. says:

    Van den Driessche offered up a potential reason for the bike’s presence, saying that it was owned by someone she’d been training with. “That bike belongs to a friend of mine,” she said. “He trains along with us. He joined my brothers and my father. That friend joined my brother at the reconnaissance and he placed the bike against the truck but it’s identical to mine. Last year he bought it from me. My mechanics have cleaned the bike and put it in the truck. They must’ve thought that it was my bike. I don’t know how it happened.”
    Direct quote above. And I can say that now I have heard everything.

  • Dave says:

    Required 1 inch high letters mounted on the rear of all e bikes.
    “MY OTHER BIKE
    IS A BIKE”

  • sibex9591 says:

    Raised in East Framington, lived for a time in ThatsNotMyBikeAvsey, finally settling in IDon’tKnowHowThatGotInThereton.

  • Spinner says:

    It just cannot be. One honest pro. It just cannot be.
    “If I find one upright man…. I will not destroy them….”, said God.

    • fsethd says:

      By upright he didn’t mean recumbent.

      • Spinner says:

        Good one as God REALLY wanted the recumbent ones….
        I”ve “heard” that the young lady found “motor” doping had a brother suspended for EPO. Is that true? Maybe the, uhmmm, father of said riders thought the “motor” doping would be undetectable? Very sad…

      • fsethd says:

        I don’t believe anything that I can’t eat.

  • Brian in VA says:

    Gosh, if you’re going to cheat should you win? Or at least be competitive?

    Glad to hear there’s an honest pro. All we need is one we can clone…..

    • fsethd says:

      They are actually working on human cloning to make designer babies with the new awesome CRISPR technology. I’ll take on with 460 watt FTP, please.

  • Matt Smith says:

    How long until it’s in your local PROMasters crit? Who’s going to test for it? At what point will USA Cycling pass the financial burden of acquiring tricked out iPads for testing purposes on its membership so it can stop rich, older white dudes from potentially putting a little, baby motor in their $10k bike.

    Am I wrong to play devil’s advocate here and question why a young(ish) 19-year old female? Why her? Why would she have this bike in the pit and not on the course? What is her mechanical background? Is she a proficient spanner, proficient enough to place an electric motor in her bike without the knowledge of her team or the Belgian Federation (seeing as how they immediately disowned her)? This reeks of a an impressionable, dedicated bike racer being talked into something by authority-wielding adults. Or maybe I’m overreacting.

    • fsethd says:

      Her exculpatory statement in Sporza is awesome. Someone who is a friend who she trains with all the time whose name she doesn’t know has an identical bike to hers and it wound up in the pit. Let’s find that guy and I think we’ll also have our hands on the killer OJ’s been seeking all these years.

  • Tamar T. says:

    Apparently she is very poor, because mechanical doping is a poor man’s cheat. If she wre rich (aren’t all cyclists?) she would have the new thing, electromagnetic wheels!
    http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/electromagnetic-wheels-are-the-new-frontier-of-mechanical-doping-claims-gazzetta-dello-sport/

  • Tom Paterson says:

    Hey, give the poor girl a break, the “It was for my dog” excuse would have been just unbelievable.
    An E for… effort?

  • Michael says:

    The UCI has nothing. While true that Olive was an impeccable character in the pro ranks, I know for a fact he gave up the fight and now works in the meat business. Back to square one Cookson.

  • LesB says:

    “We have found an unimpeachably honest pro cyclist,”
    HAHA.
    Reads like a headline from The Onion.
    “Factual Error Found On Internet”

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