Don’t pick on me

March 21, 2016 § 151 Comments

I got a phone call from (213) 282-1231 on Friday night, just as I had settled down to mud wrestle with Ulysses for an hour or so. I didn’t recognize the number, so I ignored it.

Imagine my surprise when I listened to my voicemail and heard this cease-and-desist message:

Cecilia Sasso claims to be the co-owner of Brandt-Sorenson cycling apparel company, the firm whose name was previously sullied by co-owner Nick’s two-year doping suspension. Nick’s last name, Brandt-Sorenson, prominently appears in this docket sheet for the criminal introduction of a misbranded drug into interstate commerce, a violation of 21 U.S. Code § 331(a). The docket sheet reflects his prosecution for the illegal sale of EPO, actovegin, and other goodies without a prescription; i.e. he was a “very bad boy.” Scroll through the linked packet to read Nicky’s guilty plea.

Sasso followed her message to me with this email:

cease_and_desist_email

This didn’t exactly qualify as the most intimidating cease-and-desist letter I’ve ever received, and I wondered what in the world she was trying to say. Then I realized that Sasso may have actually gotten something accidentally right when she wrote “your resent blog post.” It’s true, I was feeling a bit resentful at the time I wrote it.

It was hard, though, to stop giggling at the buffoonery of someone who thinks that trademark protection means that no one is allowed to say anything about the mark without her permission. What a great way to silence the press, and it took a cycling underwear designer to figure it out: Just trademark the item and then no one can say anything bad about it. Of course if that’s how things worked, Trump would have trademarked his whatever a long time ago.

Next, I checked the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office’s online database to determine whether “Thorfinn,” “Sassquatch,” “Thorfinn-Sassquatch,” “Brandt-Sorenson,” or “Brandt-Sorenson Cycling Apparel” have been registered as federal trademarks. They haven’t and I’m thinking about how much fun it would be for someone to file federal trademarks for these names so that they can be used in conjunction with products and services related to anti-doping, profamateur masters doping, Strava doping, and the especially insidious problem of apparel doping.

I emailed Sassypants right away to get some more information before I hurried out to not delete, edit, or amend my blog:

Hi, Cecilia

Thanks for the email. Can you explain how I have infringed on your trademark?

Thanks,

Seth

Law Office of Seth Davidson
Pacific Tower, Suite 500
21250 Hawthorne Blvd.
Torrance, CA 90503

To which she gave me this edifying response:

Hi Seth, I’d just prefer not to have my trademark “sassquatch” “thorfinn-sassquatch” used on your blog, as the context could dilute the mark and/or confuse my customers! Thanks for understanding, Cecilia Sasso

Of course there are lots of things I’d just prefer not to have, too, but that’s rarely enough to give my desires force of law. And I will say that it was pretty presumptuous for her to think I understood how calling out Nick Brandt-Sorenson for being a doper and for confessing to breaking federal drug laws would “dilute the mark” and/or “confuse my customers.” To the contrary, the more I thought about it, the more ridiculous it became.

Nick, who goes by the Strava handle “Thorfinn-Sassquatch,” has been diluting the brand for years by appending his drug-soaked monikers to the entire clothing line. And how could their customers be confused? He was suspended for two years for doping, stripped of his national bike racing title, and the news was broadcast globally.

Far from seeing the error of his ways, he has now completely clarified what the brand stands for by entering a guilty plea to federal charges for selling misbranded drugs as part of a scheme to sell doping products to other drug cheats. Instead of saying his customers are confused, I’d argue they are stupid beyond repair if they don’t understand that Nick Brandt-Sorenson’s name and nickname could potentially be viewed as reflective of a lowlife doper, a hypocrite, a drug dealer, a convicted criminal, a fraudster, and a first-class shitball who is now trying to make money with his clothing line from the very class of people he cheated when he raced.

All of this raises the next question, which is …

Wait a minute. I forgot to mention that Sasso’s panties had also been tied into a monkey fist with an eye splice by cycling icon, anti-doper, and world renowned blogger Steve Tilford, who had also — according to Sasso– infringed on her mark when he laid into “Dick Doper” Nick Brandt-Sorenson for his misdemeanor conviction, a dope peddler peddling to pedalers.

According to Tilford’s blog, Sassy-Dick sent him this gem of a cease-and-desist letter:

Good Morning, I wanted to inform you that your internet blog Stevetilford.com contains damaging and false information about our trademark “brandt-sorenson”

Specifically:

“He served a 2 year ban for testing positive at Master’s Nationals a few years ago.  But that obviously didn’t slow him down.  He decided to profit from it by becoming a drug dealer.”

The accurate information is available publicly through the Federal Court filing system. The incorrect statement is damaging and negligent. Please remove any reference to our trademark “BRANDT-SORENSON” from your blog and comments section.

Sincerely,

Nicholas Brandt
Cecilia Sasso

co-owners BRANDT-SORENSON Cycling Apparel

Now, here is some free advice for Sassy-Dick: You might not want to fuck with a guy like Steve, whose “fucks to give” account must have run out years ago when it came to dealing with people like you. This is the same Steve Tilford who spoke truth to power about Lance and doping in the pro peloton, and who now appears not very afraid of also speaking truth to the small-time crook who still hasn’t gotten the memo that dopers suck. If anything, the Thorfinn-Sassquatch Dick Doper Brandt-Sorenson Line of Faux Rapha Cycling Underwear should be sending Tilford a handsome thank-you check for what he didn’t say.

Why?

Because the real crime isn’t that doping is killing the sport of cycling, it’s that doping has killed actual cyclists. While Dick Doper prances around in the underwear that he and Sassypants whack out in their rag factory, illegally purchased and administered performance-enhancing drugs have taken lives and ruined many more. Fucktards like Dick Doper have descended from ruining their own pathetic lives into endangering the lives of others by facilitating the doping lifestyle of:

  1. Click
  2. Buy
  3. Inject
  4. Race a masters event or grand fondue or Strava segment
  5. Get a trinket
  6. Preen at the coffee shop while pretending you didn’t cheat.

Let’s point the finger up the asshole where it belongs. Dick Doper diluted, sullied, and shat all over the Thorfinn-Sassquatch-Brandt-Sorenson-Cycling-Apparel name with his own drug use by cheating his way to win a master’s bike racing title. Then he damaged the brand again by illegally selling EPO through a fraudulent website using a fake name, as well as by selling “enhancing” substances to suckers that are not even approved for human use. And Sassypants Sasso thinks that I’ve “diluted” her rag-factory-cycling-apparel operation by (humorously) suggesting in my blog that “Thorfinn-Sassquatch” is a stupid Strava moniker?

That’s like having your husband break both your legs in a drunken rage and then suing the little old lady in the hospital waiting room who accidentally stepped on one of your toes.

Funnier still is that Sassy-Dick appear to have finally understood that having a convicted criminal and busted doper associated with the Brandt-Sorenson Cycling Jockstraps and Twatthongs apparel line is probably going to ruin whatever bogus trademark lawsuit they may be contemplating. Or, they’ve finally concluded that having a cheater-cum-doping-crook prominently associated with the firm may not be the smartest marketing move on the block.

So Sassy-Dick went back to their website and tried to delete all references to Dick Doper, but though they furiously tried to delete him from the web site, Sassy-Dick must have flunked web editing 101 because even though their “new” about page has deleted all references to Droopy Dick Doper, the HTML is still screeching his presence loud and clear. D’oh! Where’s a 12-year-old when you need one? Check this nifty screen shot:

view-source_brandt-sorenson_Page_5.jpg

What’s particularly awesome about his CV (aside from the fact that he graduated from a college that apparently doesn’t have a name and that the USAC website doesn’t show him with a single California state crit title) is that Dick claims to have “stopped racing after competing against some of the world’s top professional cyclists.” I’m not sure how much of a Pro Tour hotbed the USAC masters scene is, but you’d think that in the name of full disclosure he’d have added “at about the time I got caught doping in a national championship race and stripped of my title.” Integrity, however, does not appear to be one of the core corporate values over at the Anemia Patients Group doping website or the Thorfinn-Sassquatch rag factory.

In technical legal terms, I think at this point it’s fair to ask “Do these two have a brain?”

And if they do, could they please stop sharing it and get a separate one for each cranium? There would probably still be space left over for a sofa, table, and wide-screen TV.

Nick Brandt-Sorenson, doper who doped, dope-selling doper, and dope-selling co-owner of Brandt-Sorenson Cycling, and dope-selling user of the Thorfinn-Sassquatch nickname for Strava, admitted to the following criminal acts reproduced verbatim below from federal court records as part of his plea agreement. Read them carefully because they are heinous, except for the part that describes Dick as a “professional masters cyclist,” which is hilarious. After all the jokes I’ve made about the SoCal profamateur masters racer, we finally have a real one and he appears (where else?) in a federal criminal case for (what else?) intentionally selling dope to a doper so he can dope.

In or about 2011, defendant was a professional masters cyclist, living in the Los Angeles, California, area. Defendant had also created the online blog “Anemia Patient Group” under the guise of providing “theoretical” information about various performance enhancing drugs and substances “for research purposes.” In fact, defendant used the Anemia Patient Group blog to obtain customers to whom he would sell performance enhancing drugs and substances. For example, the blog advertised various prescription drugs and substances for sale “for research purposes,” including erythropoietin (“EPO”), human chorionic gonadotropin (“HCG”), Actovegin, IGF-1, and pentoxifylline. Defendant also created and used the fake name “Eric Horowitz” that he used to do business in connection with the Anemia Patient Group blog.

Defendant obtained the prescription drugs from a source in China and European online pharmacies, and then had them delivered to his home address in Los Angeles, California. He then mailed the drugs to multiple professional and amateur athletes. In or about March 2011, defendant sold a vial of EPO to an athlete in Colorado for $631.

Defendant had previously sold that athlete performance enhancing drugs, including EPO and human growth hormone {“HGH”), through the Anemia Patient Group blog . On March 12, 2011, defendant sent the EPO from Los Angeles, California, to the athlete in Boulder, Colorado, using the United States Postal Service. At all relevant times, defendant believed that the athlete would be using the EPO himself and that the athlete did not have a prescription for the EPO.

EPO is a prescription drug that is used to treat kidney disease, anemia, and other serious medical conditions. In addition, some athletes illicitly inject themselves with EPO in order boost the production of red blood cells, which in turn increases the oxygen carrying capacity of their blood, causing them to perform at a higher level. Due to its performance enhancing qualities, as well as the serious health risks associated with non-medical use of the drug {potentially including blood clots, strokes, and heart attacks}, EPO is listed as a prohibited substance on the World Anti-Doping Agency (“WADA”) Prohibited List.

In addition to the criminal proceedings against him, various drug cheats have been sanctioned by USADA in connection with the ongoing investigation of Dick Doper’s Anemia Patients Group web site. It’s not hard to imagine that, like Joe Papp, Dick’s ripple of filth and crime will continue to besmirch others, not limited to Sassypants and the Thorfinn-Sassquatch-apparently-not-federally-trademarked Brandt-Sorenson brand of cycling underwear and hyphens. As Jack from Illinois put it (not his real name), “Doping isn’t killing the sport of cycling, overpriced clothing is.”

That a scuzzball like Dick Doper nee Brandt-Sorenson could invent a fake web site purporting to help sick people, use it as a front to illegally import and sell potentially deadly drugs to profamateur wankers, get busted, confess to his misdeeds, and then piously object to his trademark being “damaged” sets a new level of ballsiness, one that exceeds his incredible KOM’s, some of which are approachable only by UCI Pro Tour racers in the prime of their careers.

But wait, I know how he manages that KOM stuff. Pan y agua, baby.

END

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§ 151 Responses to Don’t pick on me

  • GT says:

    All the tags.

  • FANTASTIC! I’m subscribing based on this post alone!

  • SurLaJante says:

    Go get ’em, Tiger!

  • JF says:

    Written like a Beethoven symphony in C Minor. Bravo!

  • Brian in VA says:

    C’est magnifique!

  • Winemaker says:

    Wanky,
    Please tell me how you REALLY feel…..!

  • Johnnie Lee says:

    I didn’t realize I had my job title wrong. I’m updating my LinkedIn page to reflect that I’m actually a professional masters cyclist.

    • fsethd says:

      See? Get that shit fixed and you’ll be LinkedIn buddies with Steve Jobs. Oh, wait, he’s dead.

  • Jeff M says:

    This story trumps all previous Wankmeister stories, bar none! Unbelievable!

  • CRUNN says:

    That was awesome!

  • Matthew says:

    Wow

  • Sausage™ says:

    It does suck when you name your clothing company after a convicted doper and drug dealer, doesn’t it? But Ms. Sasso is right, she shouldn’t blame herself or her business partner for the mess they’re in, no she should blame YOU for reporting all these pesky, inconvenient and damaging facts.

    But I don’t think Ms. Sasso should stop with you and Tilford. No, if she is going to blaze new trademark law – and it would be highly entertaining to see her try – I encourage her to immediately send a cease and desist notice to Assistant US Attorney Mark A Williams. Because the docket sheet alone contains no less than seven references to “Brandt-Sorenson,” and none of them is flattering. And this is only the docket sheet – can you imagine all the unflattering, hurtful facts contained in all of the pleadings for the case?

    Ms. Sasso, if you are reading this, and we know that you are, here is the contact information for Mr. Williams – it’s right there on the docket sheet. When you send over your cease and desist letter to him, please post a copy here, as we would all love to read it. And if you do, as President of one of the largest cycling clubs in SoCal, I will send you a brand new cycling kit from our club’s apparel sponsor, and it won’t contain a single name of any convicted doper or drug dealer! Deal?

    Fire up your email, Ms. Sasso, here we go:

    Mark A Williams
    AUSA ­ Office of US Attorney
    Environmental Crimes Section
    312 North Spring Street 13th Floor
    Los Angeles, CA 90012
    213­894­3359
    Fax: 213­894­0141
    Email: mark.a.williams@usdoj.gov
    LEAD ATTORNEY
    ATTORNEY TO BE NOTICED
    Designation: Assistant US Attorney

    • Naftai says:

      Can you hear me laughing all the way up in Canada? How do these people run a business? Send a cease and desist to a guy like Seth is asking to be pilloried. I can’t recall reading something so fun in resent times.

    • fsethd says:

      Before I comment further on your comment, I just wanted to confirm whether “Sausage” is a common law trademark or whether it’s currently being reviewed for federal trademark registration.

      Also, the US Attorney’s Office handles all victim impact statements and passes them on the Federal Probation Department here in LA. The Probation Department will include victim impact statements in the packet it sends to the judge when Dick is sentenced on July 20, 2016.

      Anyone who has been harmed by Dick’s actions should definitely take the time to explain to the judge why leniency in this matter is inappropriate. We’re talking about a guy who has already been suspended once for using banned drugs, and then embarked on a scheme to potentially endanger others.

    • Rich Hirschinger says:

      Now Brandt-Sorryasshit (intentional misspelling since I don’t want to get sued) and Ms. Sasso (she is not claiming trademark on her name) have a huge deep pocket to sue for trademark infringement since the LA Times clearly has infringed on them! http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-tn-strava-dopers-20160415-story.html

  • Dan says:

    Just another example of why $2.99 is the best money I spend a month. Thank Seth what a gem.

  • Jtotheosh says:

    ….aaaaaand mic drop. More importantly I hope that “fucks to give account” isn’t trademarked as I will be using this prolifically today and for each day henceforth.

    • fsethd says:

      You can contact my trademark attorney for permission, royalties, residuals, craft water money, etc.

  • dangerstu says:

    Not one but two surviving brain donors, or is perhaps the same person.

  • cgnewgirl says:

    BRILLIANT as well as entertaining as hell. Thank you 🙂

  • Fournwi says:

    You missed their biggest marketing mistake – pricing. Everyone knows you can easily sell two vials of EPO if you keep the price to $629.99. Sheesh.

  • Rich Hirschinger says:

    Seth, they are using “hidden text” to hide Brandt-Sorenson’s bio on their About Us page, which is something that harms their search results since that is a no-no in Googles world since they considering it “spamming” but, hey, at least Brandt-Sorenson is a consistent cheater. Reference http://www.screencast.com/t/VDSH4wTbjrI0 Shit, I just realized, I typed “Brandt-Sorenson” several times on a blog comment. Will I get a cease and desist, too? Will you defend me since I’m not a lawyer?

    • fsethd says:

      Hahahaha! Spam? Them? Perish the thought.

      And yes, they’re probably figuring out how to hire Sullivan & Cromwell to send out C&D letters to everyone everywhere who has mentioned BS and TS without their explicit written permission.

      I wonder if Sullivan & Cromwell will do it for, say $50? Or maybe a pair of bespoke cycling undies?

  • UstaBeFit says:

    So they dope in CO too…..this whole thing is funny but then it isn’t. I mean if a dumbshit like this can dope & distribute dope to other self absorbed dumbshits what are the smart cheaters doing? Can you imagine how many dopers there must be I’m Masters racing across the US? Crazy!

  • Brian says:

    I wonder if he is selling prison soap on his website?

  • When somebody tried to claim they owned our shop’s name back in 2000 or so, this book was invaluable- http://www.nolo.com/products/patent-copyright-and-trademark-pctm.html

    They had gone after a whole lot of people, successfully in many cases, causing lots of legal fees in others, until they encountered us. 🙂

    • fsethd says:

      Hey! I bought some shit from you a few weeks ago. Great prices and great products and great service. Thank you!

      Yes, the old “trademark shakedown” has a long and illustrious history … thanks for the link.

  • tri4kim says:

    Who wears chonies while cycling? Isn’t that why cycling shorts are comfy? Who would buy these unmentionables from a partner of a drug dealer?

    • fsethd says:

      Had to Google “chonies.” I’m so old and uncool it’s not even funny. Oh wait, maybe it is.

  • devin says:

    Awesome. Ms. Sasso, when initiating a legal intimidation rock fight, make sure that you have not given your opponent a neatly stacked rock pile and that he cannot throw overhand.

  • Dave Jordaan says:

    I would like to see the list of local ‘professional amateur masters’ who bought his products. Would SCNCA and USAC strip them of their ‘championship’ titles?

    • Sausage™ says:

      From the USADA press release that Seth linked to in his post (http://www.usada.org/kyle-schmidt-accepts-doping-sanction/):

      “The investigation is ongoing and may result in additional cases being brought against others.”

      • fsethd says:

        In any event, there will be lots of poopy diapers each time an “Unrecognized Caller” appears on their cell phone for the foreseeable future.

    • fsethd says:

      There are probably more than a few folks squirming after learning that the Anemia Patients Group has attracted federal attention, not limited to SoCal.

    • shano says:

      was just about to say same Dave Jordan, yes that would hopefully have some of his ‘clients’ squirming for a while indeed.
      Seth& Tilford – MAJOR kudos to you guys for outing these sleazebags. Maybe if reporting of the nice folks that get popped became more frequent people would be less inclined to cheat. Ok probably not but anyways thanks for bringing this out into the sunshine

  • sibex9591 says:

    Does this mean you are not going to comply with their/her request?

    btw I see why I have waited on a new entry for a couple of days. Good work.

    • fsethd says:

      Wondering where anyone ever got the idea that I was “compliant” …

      “Complaint,” maybe.

  • A-Trav says:

    If only her name was “Sassy”…

  • Spinner says:

    Gee, maybe after all this I can buy a pair of riding shorts for twenty bucks????

  • Waldo says:

    Quit pulling punches, Seth, really…

    🙂

  • Tom Paterson says:

    I liked this part the best:

    (quoting from above blog entry responses):
    Also, the US Attorney’s Office handles all victim impact statements and passes them on the Federal Probation Department here in LA. The Probation Department will include victim impact statements in the packet it sends to the judge when Dick is sentenced on July 20, 2016.

    Anyone who has been harmed by Dick’s actions should definitely take the time to explain to the judge why leniency in this matter is inappropriate. We’re talking about a guy who has already been suspended once for using banned drugs, and then embarked on a scheme to potentially endanger others. (end quote)

    Do you have any handy contact info for either agency, sir?
    (Gosh, maybe I’m still bitter at seeing them all ride away from me at States in 198x… I thought I’d gotten over that, you know?)

    Once again, we see the crime being bad enough, but illegitimate defense being what really brings the house down.
    Police on the street commonly call this sort of “contact with authority” thing “The Attitude Test”.
    Flunk.

    • fsethd says:

      Put the case number on the letter, and indicate in the letter that you want your victim impact statement sent to the Federal Probation Department.

      United States Attorney’s Office
      Central District of California
      312 North Spring Street
      Suite 1200
      Los Angeles, California 90012

  • FatmarcVDB says:

    waiting all weekend for this post.
    did not disappoint.

    Cheers.

    respect
    fatmarcVDB

  • egress says:

    Not that it matters to this discussion, but I thought Cecilia was Nick’s wife.

  • devin says:

    Awesome teaching moment. Never initiate a legal intimidation rock fight when your opponent is sitting on a pile of stacked rocks and your fort is made of luxury bespoke lycra.

  • LesB says:

    Funny she goes to so much trouble when she could just rename her company “Acme Cycling Wear”.

    • fsethd says:

      So you don’t think that USAC masters are world class pros able to go against the fastest guys on earth? Well to heck with you.

  • VCScribe says:

    Please stop referencing me in your blog. You’re diluting my brand.

    Sincerely,

    Sasquatch

    • fsethd says:

      I think his C-and-D letters are more like, “Arrrrrrrhhhhh!” then he rips your arms off.

  • Dan Martin says:

    Hats off to you WM…Im so sick of thieves and effing doping cheats I could spit. Im outside so I will.
    hockalugie!

  • Bikesy says:

    Thanks, I didn’t know about this Thorfinn-Sassquatch person on Strava being found guilty of these crimes but I do now!
    Cheers from London.
    Tony.

    • fsethd says:

      We’ve notified the Federation of Planets and they will be convening an Interplanetary Court of Summary Justice soon to address this terrible warp in the Force.

  • Waldo says:

    I think your post just broke the Internet.

    • fsethd says:

      ‘Twas but a frail thing.

    • fsethd says:

      Oh, and I forgot to add his impressive race resume, posted on the Ridazz web site:

      USA Cycling Category 1 Athlete
      RACING RESULTS 1997-2011

      2011 1st USA Cycling National Road Race Championship**
      2011 1st Ontario Criterium Series, California, PRO
      2011 4th USA Cycling National Criterium Championship**
      2011 4th Dana Point Criterium National Racing Calendar, PRO

      2010 1st California State Championship Criterium, SNCA *
      2010 1st Ontario Grand Prix Criterium, 5/16 CA PRO 1

      2009 1st California State Championship Criterium, cbr, PRO1
      2009 1st Ontario Summer Grand Prix, CA PRO
      2009 2nd Dominguez Hills, Criterium, PRO
      2009 3rd Ladera Ranch Grand Prix, CA PRO
      2009 3rd UCLA Road Race, (10,000 ft. of climbing), Pearblossom, CA PRO
      2009 3rd Long Beach Criterium, CA PRO
      2009 4th California State Championship Road Race 150K PRO 1
      2009 4th San Luis Obispo Downtown Criterium PRO 1
      2009 5th San Pedro Grands Prix, CA PRO 1
      2009 6th Portland Twilight Criterium, OR PRO 1
      2009 12th San Luis Rey Road Race Classic, CA PRO
      2009 17th Dana Point Criterium, National RC, CA PRO
      2009 20th Tour de Murrieta, PRO

      2009 1st DTLA Grand Prix street race #1, July

      2008 1st San Dimas Stage Race, Criterium
      2008 1st Sprint Competition San Dimas Stage Race
      2008 2nd San Dimas Stage Race, Road Race, Elite C2
      2008 2nd End of Summer Grand Prix, Ontario, CA PRO
      2008 2nd Sequoia Cycling Classic, Elite Criterium
      2008 3rd Sisquoc Road Race, Santa Maria, CA PRO
      2008 4th SDSR, General Classification, Elite C2
      2008 4th Sequoia Cycling Classic, Elite 40k TT (via roadbike)
      2008 5th Sea Otter SRAM Road Race, Monterey, PRO
      2008 8th Brentwood Grand Prix, PRO
      2008 9th Devil’s Punchbowl Road Race, PRO
      2008 9th University of California Santa Barbara, Criterium PRO
      2008 10th Valencia Memorial Criterium, PRO
      2008 10th La Mirada Grand Prix, PRO
      2008 20th San Francisco Twilight Crit, (crash 3k) CA PRO
      2008 39th GLMGP NRC, Ojai, CA PRO
      2008 67th Redlands Classic Stage Race, G.C., PRO

      2008 1st highest grossing DTLA Grand Prix Street Race Series
      2008 1st/2nd Puma $2k duo team street race, Los Angeles
      2008 1st DTLA Grand Prix street race #2, July
      2008 1st DTLA Grand Prix street race #4 July
      2008 1st DTLA Grand Prix street race #5, July

      2007 1st Portland International Raceway, Circuit Race, OR Aug 14 PRO 1/2
      2007 1st San Dimas Stage Race, Road Race, Elite C2
      2007 3rd LASD 100k circuit race, CA, PRO 1/2
      2007 3rd Wine Country Twilight Series, Crit, Santa Rosa, PRO 1/2/3
      2007 4th Ontario Airport 3 Criterium, PRO 1/2
      2007 4th Fifth Annual Clif Bar-Clif Shot Criterium, PRO 1/2
      2007 5th End of Summer Criterium Ontario Airport, PRO 1/2
      2007 11th California + Nevada State Championship Road Race, D3 PRO/ Elite (140km, 1200m elevation)
      2007 11th Giro di San Francisco PRO
      2007 17th San Rafael Twilight Criterium, PRO
      2007 25 (3rd C2) Cougar Mountain RR, National Race Calendar PRO

      2007 1st Downtown Los Angeles Dewarp Street Race, Sep 14
      2007 1st Downtown Los Angeles Alley Cat Race, April 27
      2007 1st Downtown Los Angeles Circuit Race, April 13, messenger street race(solo breakaway)

      2006 4th McLane Pacific, Elite National Road Race Series, C2 (160km) 120km breakaway
      2006 10th Devil’s Punchbowl, PRO 1/2 (130km, 1440m elev. gain)
      2006 12th Central Valley Classic-Kearny Circuit, NRC, C2 (160km)
      2005 2nd Sisqouc Road Race, C2
      2005 9th Ojai NRC
      2004 7th Sisquoc RR- pro/elite
      2004 2nd Big Bear NORBA National
      2003 1st Oregon State Champion, Semi-Pro XC
      2003 9th Cherry Pie RR- pro/elite
      2002 10th Cascade Cycling Classic SR3, C3
      2002 1st Bonelli Park, NORBA XC
      2000 16th Mammoth NORBA National
      1999 1st Banana Belt RR, C4/5
      1999 1st Hanford Collegiate RR
      1998 1st Glendale RR, Jr
      1997 2nd Cascade Chainbreaker, MTB Jr

      * Masters 30+
      **2011-2012 (redacted)
      PAST COACHES:
      -David Brinton
      -Jeff Hess

      GROWTH PATTERN:
      2007 190 cm, 86 kilos
      2006 188 cm, 81 kilos
      2000 183 cm, 76 kilos
      1997 165 cm, 60 kilos
      1994 150 cm, 43 kilos
      1983 DOB

      EDUCATION
      2003 Bachelor of Fine Arts Degree, Photography, University of Oregon
      2001 Bachelor of Science Degree, Fine and Applied Art
      1998-2003 Ford Family Foundation full tuition academic scholarship

      JOBS
      2005-07 Regen Projects Gallery, Los Angeles, CA
      2004-05 Ace Gallery (Doug Chrismas), Beverly Hills, CA
      2005 Los Angeles County Museum of Art, Tim Hawkinson: artist’s assistant, Los Angeles, CA
      2003 REDCAT Gallery, Los Angeles, CA

      MORE
      2001-02 Lived in tent four months during summers for high altitude training. Yosemite National Park, CA
      2001 Organized first ever Critical Mass in Yosemite. Gridlocked valley roadways, detained by NPS. Yosemite, CA
      2004 Pioneered Midnight Ridazz by riding Kim’s wheel out of her apartment/ Pioneer Chicken lot. Los Angeles, CA

      • channel_zero says:

        This guy is an achiever in the Big Lebowski sense of the word.

        Pioneered Midnight Ridazz? Ok… Whatever.

      • fsethd says:

        I think he means he competed in a covered wagon, like, you know, a pioneer.

  • knoll says:

    I still struggle seeing folks self identify their own doping practices as a ‘mistake’ and their current riding/racing as a ‘redemption’. My only move is to not support any of their sponsor’s products and to confront their mates (which generally means losing friends). I always raced masters to learn something about myself (to transcend my own limits), to hurt friends in a loving way, and mostly to be around great people with amazing work ethic and skill and a love of something that comes from a deeper investigation into their own sense of self… and because it was nice having something linear in my life. I almost everyone I raced was: A) interesting, B) fast and amazing on a bike. I know Brandt Sorenson is a talented kid… but clearly there are issues at work far beyound the bike… and I hope he’s got good people around him helping him confront those issues rather than a bunch of enablers participating in some weird martyrdom second act nonsense. Nothing about this is cool. There’s no place for cheating in cycling at this level. It’s easier to just appreciate the folks for their amazing talent and work ethic than kit-up on drugs. From a distance… it’s absurd. It’s just a bike. Strava is nonsense too. Just ride the thing as beautifully as you can. Doing that has plenty of nourishmnet in it as a stand alone… especially if folks confuse it for meaning something worth cheating over. Seriously Brandt-Sorensen… if you’re reading this.. you are a talented person… take a step back and get some help off the bike. Now’s a good time to start… and his wife would do better than to try and manage the community reaction and instead peel back some layers into a deeper conversation about self and other. Thing is, we’re all in this together…. and we can do better. Bikes are about balance, no point in flogging yourself on one if you dont know where your own center of gravity is….

    end rant. knoll.

  • Al Lakes says:

    Seth, serious question. (Hahaha) Has anyone reported, that B-S is not his legal last name? I believe his last name is simply Sorenson. So that would make Brunt-Soranson a trade name, yes? Seems like these cats read half a paragraph of trademark law and the apparel company name was as calculated as, well, ya kno. Strangely enough, the name does have a contrived esoteric elegance. Kinda like Parker Dusseau Apparel (real company) or Rothschild-Amsterdam Smoked Sausage (not real). Anyhoo, when I would see his last name plastered on people’s backs, I could only assume they believed they were projecting luxury and power. Haha.

    • Tom Paterson says:

      “Projecting arrogance”, maybe?

    • fsethd says:

      WHERE CAN I GET ROTHSCHILD-AMSTERDAM SMOKED SAUSAGE??????

    • channel_zero says:

      Seems like these cats read half a paragraph of trademark law

      Pfft. It’s enough. The business plan had a revenue chart that started at the bottom left and rose steeply right. There was so much money being made in the business plan he was planning on using lawyers like Mike Sinyard and paying them in Dom Perignon while sipping white russians.

      There was a business plan, right?

  • shano says:

    Emphatic yes on the contrived elegance – “Brandt cant watch or he has to pay $100”

    • Al Lakes says:

      Too good. For every good and bad situation in life, there’s an appropriate quote or scene from The Big Lebowski.

      Hay, forgot to mention, I believe (don’t sue me!) NBS was a pro for a few months. He was on Sho-Air’s short lived UCI team. They “fired” him right after his ban was announced.

  • Rich Hirschinger says:

    Interesting that Cecilia’s Facebook profile has Brandt in parentheses. Reference http://www.screencast.com/t/ewl91ET4U

    I won’t comment on her choice of cover photos since it appears that the castle is getting high.

    Hey, for your lawyers, if I only type “Brandt” and not “Brandt-Sorenson,” will she still go after me for degrading her brand? 🙂

  • nobatty says:

    With this much (well-deserved) venom, those sillies are going to need a herpetologist.

    In other non-cheesy news, you’re a legend. This entire post is a well-executed lesson in taking dopers out at the knees, and the internet is better off for this contribution. Thank you.

  • paa says:

    My god this is the most brilliant post- ever. It’s like watching Spartacus at Flanders! Braap-SoreAssSon and his flunkies wearing the doper trademark kits. Maybe they get a EPO discount or get to suck the butthole of a calf for 50% off.

    • fsethd says:

      Braap-Soreassson, you said? That’s infringing on a trademark, I bet.

      • paa says:

        Braap-Soreasson® and Thforeskin-Assquatch® are cultivated trademarks of exclusive, custom fitted line of calf tit and butthole sippy cups. Please cease and dissist from besmirtching epo and calf blood use for strava kom’s.

      • fsethd says:

        Quit infringing the fringe on my buckskin jacket. And where do I order the sippy cups?

  • Naftali says:

    Seth, I read somewhere on the Interwebs that Podium girls are suing dopers who’ve won races for soliciting affections under false pretences. I was told your firm is the lead on this international case?

  • Rich Hirschinger says:

    This just in… http://www.brandtsorenson.com

    • fsethd says:

      Looks like someone’s going to get another whiny seasoned cyst email.

    • fsethd says:

      Especially like the elegant, simple design.

    • Paa says:

      Velonews needs to run this. If they can report irrelevant Lance Armstrong stories, this epic atomic body slam deserves some mention!
      Whoever owns that site, well played and link this blog and Tilford too!

  • Johnny French says:

    You, Sir, are a legend. Chapeau!!

  • dan says:

    Does this guy sell over priced jeans also?

  • Waldo says:

    What’s the CitSB record for the number of comments?

    What’s remarkable is everyone agrees with you. Usually, posts that elicit extensive commentary are controversial, with responders disagreeing with the OP and each other. Not here!

    Dirty and Dumb Nicky struck a nerve and kept striking…

    • fsethd says:

      As much as I hate to admit it, this web site is so one-sided, unfriendly to diversity of opinion, and managed with such a micro-level to detail that it likely discourages the typical forum anonymous ranter from contributing his .0000000002 cents’ worth.

      By “hostile to diversity of opinion” I mean that you can say whatever you want here, but it will be examined and responded to, and if you get really nasty I’ll likely publish your IP Address, and if you keep it up I’ll block you. Only one or two people in over a million visitors have ever gotten to the “block” stage. What people tend to do is link to my blog posts on bike forums and then trash me there because this just isn’t a very good place to troll. I mean, how do you troll a troll?

      I scrolled through Tilford’s comments and was amazed at the hatred and vitriol that various commenters directed towards him, including one who other posters suggested was Nick BS himself. Not amazed that people are vitriolic on the Internet, but that I don’t get those types of comments.

      I don’t know what the record for comments is, but this post garnered more hits than any other post ever except for my Lance hit piece several years ago.

      • CDB says:

        Seth,

        Impressive body of work here. Bravo! I was curious, have you noticed whether your blogger fans prefer to circle their tongues around your anus in a clockwise or counter-clockwise manner? Do they do as good of a job as your mom? (Isn’t that clever? I’m trying to be more like you.) Another subject I’m curious about… As the number of blog comments rise, how does that effect your sense of self importance or worth? It’s gotta be sky high now, right? I mean, there are literally 100+ comments… That’s huuuuge! I was wondering, when you tally the total commenter count, do you fixate on the absolute number, or do you factor in that 30-40% were your own comments? (Just estimating %. Not going to do the count myself.) When you lean back from your monitor and look at your blog with pride, (I’m imagining hands behind head, feet possibly propped up on your desk), do you release a proud “ahhhhh” sound, and think: “I created this masterpiece”, concluding with a smug grin? (I assume you do this at work because you’re not too busy with other, more important things. Maybe you don’t really need to “work” for your income and you can live off your lofty book sales?) I figure you’re maybe a little frustrated with your declining physical stature (stomach pudge? EMBARASSING!) and mid-pack Cat 3 middle aged racing abilities? Maybe you’re not quite as successful as you’d hoped, not quite making enough money to justify such “luxurious” expenses like well-fitting custom-tailored cycling apparel? It seems that you’ve never tried Brandt-Sorenson clothing line because if you had, you would definitely not be harassing him, nor attempting to not-so-subtly incite what could be classified as cyber bullying and harassment by your empassioned blogger fans. You’d be doing whatever it takes to get your foot in the lengthy ordering cue. Do you often get this riled up about other subjects that offend you, and what is the typical shelf life of those obsessive outbursts, before you grow bored and move on to new topics? A few days, couple weeks, till death, etc…?

        Also, could you let all of us fans know your “racing” schedule so we can all come cheer for you? I really am looking forward to meeting you in person and to see what it’s like to be such an impressive specimen of a man.

      • Tom Paterson says:

        You know that one comment there, the long one? You know what, I wouldn’t want my asshole tongued like that either but then I’m a lover, not a fighter, you know what I mean?

      • fsethd says:

        Asshole tonguing isn’t as bad as her expertise in the matter suggests.

      • fsethd says:

        Easy there, hoss, your IP address is showing.

  • fsethd says:

    Here’s a pretty funny comment that someone emailed in:

    I am always intrigued by the lethal and doomed combination of narcissistic arrogance and ignorance. But before I jumped on the bandwagon of kicking Dick Doper and his line of Doper Duds, I wanted to see if I could put key events in chronological order:

    March 2005: Earliest authentic race results: SDSR https://www.usacycling.org/results/?compid=223572
    Jan 2007: Clothing line started https://www.linkedin.com/in/nicholas-brandt-38282525
    March 2011: Sold doping products
    May 2011: Proposed to Cecilia. http://brandtandsasso.ourwedding.com/view/8345760781754492/29586555
    Sept 2011: Doped at Masters
    Jan 2012: Busted at Masters
    Aug 2012: Married Cecilia http://brandtandsasso.ourwedding.com/view/8345760781754492/29586556
    Feb 2017: Plea agreement for selling drugs

    Hallmarks:

    Proposing on a race weekend while likely doping (finishing 7th – Fast Freddie won and Justin also finished ahead of him)
    Overlooking the fatal and incredibly narcissistic marketing decision to continue to brand your clothing geared to cyclists(!!!) under your tainted name.
    Having your wife/business partner fire off e-mails (with typos and inaccuracies) and voice mails when the FACTS are released and disseminated through the media. What a fucking pussy.
    Radio silent with any kind of reputational damage control, contrition, remorse.

    It’s all really sad but my conclusion after my little investigation is that THEY ARE BOTH IDIOTS!

    The funniest fucking line can be culled from their own website: “Our clothing is purposed to enhance the rider’s experience and performance on the bike” DOPER DUDS

  • pacifico310 says:

    I’m pretty sure CDB above is Cecilia Dinorah Brandt/Sasso/Sorenson. Right?

    • CDB says:

      Pacifico310,

      Sorry to spoil your fun, but no, it is not Cecilia. I did, however, speak with him last night, and learned of a recent spike in orders. No idea where they’re getting all this exposure… Thanks Seth and Steve – super kind of you to provide that. The extra revenue will be very helpful as he works hard to make a positive turn in his life, and faces the consequences of his poor choices. It takes time to get to that better place, but know that his reformation began long before you ever got wind of it. To lend my support, I placed an order for a fresh kit myself. This evening, I enjoyed some quality MTB trail time, zipping through the local technical terrain we have at our disposal here in the Rockies. Not a soul out there besides me. I was wearing my 2-years-old Brandt-Sorenson bib shorts (in excellent condition still), paired with their Scout jersey, DWP arm warmers, and camo vest from the Sassquatch Collection (it was 50 F, slightly misty at 6,500′ elevation, hinting at a possible sprinkle that fortunately stayed away). I will continue to buy these products because there is simply nothing better. I will also do so because I believe that a person can turn their life around when they really want it. I am certain that Nick is heading down that road, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

      • fsethd says:

        Happy to help!! And to think all this goodness came from cheating and a criminal conviction. See? You CAN have it all.

      • fsethd says:

        Hi, there, Chris Brandt from Carbondale, CO, IP address 107.77.172.31, email cdbrandt2@gmail.com

      • Rich Hirschinger says:

        CDB,

        Ah, now it makes sense why you support NBS. (I don’t want to use the full name since I will get sued for trademark infringement). As a relative, you get your stuff for free, or you might be bartering from commissions on sales to Colorado athletes for goods sold.

        This family is full of rocket scientists. After all, they did not think of registering the domain without a hyphen. What site am I referring to? Oh yeah, this one http://www.brandtsorenson.com

      • fsethd says:

        Chris Brandt is a landscape architect in Carbondale, Colorado, who is FB friends with Cecilia Sasso. He also has a post on his newsfeed promoting BS clothing. Chris? Are you still there?

      • pacifico310 says:

        Hi CDB,

        I’m glad to hear they have the support of their friends and family. Nothing helps more in trying times than knowing that loyal friends are there for you. To put the question to you, which way do you swirl your tongue around Nick Brandt-Sorenson and Cecilia Sasso’s anuses? Clockwise or counterclockwise?

    • fsethd says:

      She had me at “pudgy.” Doesn’t she know this tracks IP addresses?

      • CDB says:

        Seth,

        You know that the IP address associated with my **** are **** coming ****. My initials are ****, and I live **** California.

        If you have that IP info, I challenge you to ****, a **** of this **** if you will, except **** all of the **** associated with **** making these **** and cyber-****. Post it in ****, so there is no possibility of ****.

        Yes, there is *** to some of the ***, and it is *** and *** for *** to *** with a certain *** of *** and *** regarding ***, but *** made your *** and certainly have *** the *** beyond what is ***.

        I’m starting to *** that you’re actually *** unwell and *** enough to have *** 75% of these *** ***, to make your *** seem as *** it *** to *** outside *** *** blogger ***. In fact, it wouldn’t *** me if *** become *** by reading ***, which all *** center on *** you as this *** (yet ***) ***. Do you have a *** *** up ** to your ***?

        [Edited by FSD for clarity.]

  • Rich Hirschinger says:

    If CDB is “the wife,” I respect her passionate post. Having said that, this would be my response to her. If it wasn’t “the wife,” this would still be my response. Read and then respond since this is all about the douchebag the poster is defending, http://www.brandtsorenson.com

    • fsethd says:

      Now that is one nifty little web site.

      • Rich Hirschinger says:

        “Happy to help!! And to think all this goodness came from cheating and a criminal conviction. See? You CAN have it all.” Ouch. Ouch. Damn, that just has to hurt. I’m hurting for CDB since your response is that painful.

      • fsethd says:

        CDB is too *** to *** his own *** if you *** it on a ***.

  • Paa says:

    Unfortunately Foreskin-Assquatch and his doper lackies ride the local group rides. The Rose Bowl and Montrose rides usually have a couple Braap-Soreassson doper kits in there.
    They fool no one and no one else around here is buying that shit. If they did, certainly won’t after they see all this.

    I hear there’s going to be a Assquatch energy gel made from his doped blood. Thick like maple syurp with the aroma of calf ass and aftertaste of mediocrity and hollow victories.

  • Dick the Doper Sorenson. says:

    The highly honorable Matt Ruscigno who organizes the Feel My Legs, I’m a Racer event should consider testing John Budinoff for perfomance enhancing drugs. This pint size powerhouse worships Dick Doper Brandt Sorenson.

    • fsethd says:

      Maybe CDB, who was anonymously trolling but has suddenly gotten busy after his IP address, name, and email were posted, might be willing to volunteer?

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