Fresh doping meats starts apparel line, medical web site

March 27, 2016 § 27 Comments

New doping meats Michael Buckley of Reno, Nevada, accepted his four-year doping suspension for doping as a doped doper with grace, courage, humility, thoughtfulness, and optimism tinged with regret.

Buckley’s masters cycling profamateur agent, Hoydinck van der Leyen van Poppkorn, issued the following statement:

“Michael wants to apologize to his Specialized-Touchstone Masters teammates, none of whom dope or knew anything about doping in general or his doping in particular, his wife, his kids, and of course his mom and dad and brother Biff. This doping suspension for using dope and being a doper in no way defines who he is, his ethics, or his character. He plans to move forward to put this one-time mistake behind him and work to foster an environment where doping does not have to be an option for California masters profamateurs trying to achieve their dreams and win the 35+ Festersore RR in East Stonefuck, which has twelve entrants and a $12 prize list.”

CitSB caught up with Buckley, the doping doper meats who doped, and got an exclusive interview.

CitSB: That was a pretty heartfelt statement written by your agent.

Meats: Yeah, he’s good. Fuggin’ Belgians know how to say “sorry” for doping, y’know?

CitSB: What’s next for a washed up masters profamateur doping meats like yourself?

Meats: I’ve had a long time to think about this since December, that’s a full three months.

CitSB: One full “cycle.”

Meats: Exactly. And I want to make the sport better. It’s not right that we profamateurs have to choose, in the quest to actualize our dreams of winning the local training crit, between racing clean and being loaded to the meats on doping meats. I want a sport where you don’t have to choose. Where it’s not meats or nothing.

CitSB: Wow, that’s really impressive. How are you going to achieve it?

Meats: I’m going to start a web site.

CitSB: A web site?

Meats: Yeah. It’s called Gastrocnemia Patients Group.

CitSB: Is that even a word?

Meats: Yes. It comes from the gastrocnemius vein, one of the veins of the leg. There are a lot of people out there with gastrocnemiitis, a rare disease of the leg veins that inhibits the uptake of things you put in it.

CitSB: Uh, okay. And what does one do on this web site?

Meats: It’s for informational purposes only. How to obtain maximal uptake for the leg vein in case you’re really ill and need to put something in there.

CitSB: I see.

Meats: And I’m also going into cycling apparel.

CitSB: Do tell.

Meats: There’s a high demand for custom, bespoke, made-to-measure cycling clothing, high end stuff that is clean, fits well, lasts forever, and stands out on the group ride.

CitSB: Do you have a name for the line?

Meats: “Meats.”

CitSB: “Meats”?

Meats: Uh-huh. That’s trademarked, by the way, so shoot me a copy of this interview before you publish it so I can have my lawyers proof it to make sure you don’t infringe on my Meatsmark.

CitSB: So why the name “Meats?”

Meats: Because it takes a lot of power to, you know, make the big meat sing.

CitSB: Are we still talking about cycling?

Meats: You know, the big meat. The big ring. That’s what we used to say when we were drilling it in the 53 x 11. “He’s making the big meat sing.”

CitSB: Got it. Singing meat. What are the first product offerings on this … Meats … website?

Meats: We’ve got the red “Extra Watts jersey” for $631 per vial, the “Recovery bibs” for $589, and the “Race Day speedsuit” for $1,550 in two monthly treatments.

CitSB: Are you on Strava by any chance?

Meats: Yes. That’s part of my marketing strategy.

CitSB: It is?

Meats: I’m going to get lots of KOM’s using my Meats to raise Meats brand awareness and awareness of gastrocnemiitis.

CitSB: Do you think people might actually be turned off by Michael Buckley, a doping meats doper who doped and got caught cheating by doping against other people who also might have been doping?

Meats: No way. People will understand that you make mistakes. Ask forgiveness, never permission. Toss in a few rebel alleycat unsanctioned races and talk a little smack, maybe get a few tatts, I’ll have a whole new career turning my life around just in time to age up for 45+ masters nats.

CitSB: Hasn’t this all been done before?

Meats: Not that I know of.

CitSB: What’s your Strava handle, by the way?

Meats: “Meatsquatch.” But you can’t write that. It’s trademarked.

CitSB: Of course.

END

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§ 27 Responses to Fresh doping meats starts apparel line, medical web site

  • Toronto says:

    A bespoken time trialing turdblossom, no less.

  • Bart says:

    Well too late for his testicles to rot and fall off since he’s already polluted the gene pool. Perhaps he’ll get his sausage caught in between the chain ring and chain next time he’s lubing up.

  • Bart says:

    Pretty average results for a pos doper cat 1…

    Sep 9, 2015, 5 / 30 TT 2015 USA Cycling Masters Road Nationals
    Sep 9, 2015, 7 / 62 CRIT 2015 USA Cycling Masters Road Nationals
    Sep 9, 2015, 40 / 65 RR 2015 USA Cycling Masters Road Nationals
    Aug 29, 2015, 10 / 46 RR Winters Road Race
    Aug 15, 2015, 9 / 56 RR Dunnigan Hills Road Race
    Jul 25, 2015, 10 / 31 CRIT San Rafael Twilight Criterium
    Jul 4, 2015, 5 / 33 CRIT Davis Bike Club 4th of July Criterium
    Jun 24, 2015, 52 / 82 TT 2015 USA Cycling Amateur Road Nationals
    Jun 24, 2015, 57 / 121 RR 2015 USA Cycling Amateur Road Nationals
    Jun 21, 2015, 3 / 23 CRIT 55th Annual Nevada City Bicycle Classic
    Jun 13, 2015, 11 / 18 CRIT The Mighty Tour de Nez
    May 9, 2015, 6 / 44 RR Berkeley Hills Road Race
    May 2, 2015, 12 / 30 CRIT Mike’s Bikes 42nd Cat’s Hill Classic
    May 2, 2015, 10 / 71 CCR Golden State Race Series
    Apr 26, 2015, 7 / 26 RR Wente Vineyards Classic Road Race
    Apr 4, 2015, DNP / 32 RR Copperopolis Road Race
    Mar 28, 2015, 3 / 50 RR Turlock lake Road Race

    • fsethd says:

      I’ve often said that the most rampant drug use is not among the guys who win, but among those who do not.

    • channel_zero says:

      What’s average about a string to top-10’s against, you know, other clean profamateurs?

      Good thing no continental pros dope. Because USAC would sanction them immediately like they have done for years. Oh, wait….

  • dangerstu says:

    I have the first batch of green super recovery shorts arriving in unmarked packaging.

    Taking a que from Phil Gamon and his bar of soap, the shorts have a very giegeresch design that prominently features a syringe on each leg.

    I’m going to start marketing the shorts primary to commuters tiered of missing the metro link, and newbies that want to fasttrack to the front of the b group.

  • Serge Issakov says:

    Relentlessly hysterical. Happy Ether.

  • Spinner says:

    Hey everyone, don’t forget to read the “Tagged” stuff at the bottom of the post. Another “master” piece, Seth!!! Makes my day….

  • dan martin says:

    Instead of USADA spending money chasing its tail…isnt it time we legalize all that science has to offer and fully embrace the reality freakshow?

  • Greg Kogut says:

    I’m surprised you didn’t exploit the comedy of the bodybuilding forum post allegedly by Buckley that allegedly led to a call to the USADA tip line:

    “Hello, I’m new to this thread. I am a 40 year old national competitive category 1 cyclist. I recently saw an age doctor who prescribed the following:

    .5ml depo-test 200mg/ml 1x per week
    .1ml HCG – human chorionic gonadotropin – /arginine 6x per week
    .2ml sermorelin 6x per week
    .5mg arimidex 2x per week
    25mg DHEA daily
    25mg pregnenolone daily
    5g d-ribose before training daily
    500mg microhydrin 1x daily before training daily

    He also recommended 4500 velvet deer antler extract…I used before above cycle and had positive results…thoughts?

    I will be tested in middle of May at Nationals, when should I stop this cycle so I don’t get popped? USADA test

    I’m reading about other stuff on this site I have never heard of before…GW, MK, S4? What is this stuff? I have thought about EPO, but looks way too dangerous. Any other stuff I should try that is somewhat safe?

    I have been on this program for 5 weeks and have gained around 10#…not really great for a cyclist.

    My main question is this: Am I doing this the right way? My goal is to get faster on the bike by May 2016, anything else I should do, or not do?”

    • fsethd says:

      Some comedy is so funny in its raw form that even the most loving hands can only diminish it.

  • Dogg says:

    I’m sure Specialized loves having “doper” next to their brand…👎🏾

  • Poly says:

    I knew this douche from college. Not surprised he was doping and he hs always been a druggy.

  • paa says:

    Meatsquatch is dangerously close to my Asssquatch trademark. Please cease and assist me in launching my Calf Ass brand of energy gels.

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