Easiest sixth place ever

April 11, 2016 § 14 Comments

  1. Put on tubular race wheels which are made of much carbon.
  2. Request Mrs. WM to drop me off at the Hun’s.
  3. Check weather.
  4. Note rain with extra rain and some more rain.
  5. Remind self: heavy SoCal rain is a light sweat.
  6. Develop killer race strategy to propel Team Lizard Collectors to glorious victory after glorious victory in road race at San Dimas that involved much chasing of teammates.
  7. Arrive at race and lie to teammates. “Tired legs. Dead, very.”
  8. Note presence of Bad Bart. Borrow chain lube from him.
  9. Huddle with and lie vociferously. “I will cover everything and block for you.”
  10. Build undisclosed plan to hide, cower, chase teammates when in promising breaks and encourage organized chases from other teams when teammates appear to be getting away.
  11. Fill bottle with new energy fluid never tested before.
  12. Wait ten minutes.
  13. Feel uncomfortable bowel fullness.
  14. Curse the micro-thin potty tissue where your finger pokes through. Yeccch.
  15. Hurry to line and start racing.
  16. Chase teammates vigorously.
  17. Rest.
  18. Get cursed at by other riders. “You dumb fuck, you’re chasing your own teammates!”
  19. Advise cursers to imagine that every Lizard Collector rider is wearing a different colored jersey.
  20. Endure additional oaths.
  21. Advise cursers to study difference between “team” and “club.”
  22. Chase some more.
  23. Rest.
  24. Rest.
  25. Rest.
  26. Rest.
  27. Watch winning break go with two teammates.
  28. Chase furiously, dragging field behind.
  29. Rest.
  30. Assist other teams with chase.
  31. Rest.
  32. Rest.
  33. When field sits up, scamper away with plan to solo up to break or better yet take other non-team Lizard Collectors riders along.
  34. Establish four-man chase.
  35. Let non-TLC riders in chase group chase their brains out.
  36. Endure curses for refusing to pull.
  37. Watch in amazement as “sprinter” Bad Bart pulls his brains out for three laps.
  38. Plot to drop Bad Bart in last minute attack because he is so fucking fast in a sprint.
  39. Execute last minute attack.
  40. Chase down the Hun who has been dropped out of the break.
  41. Furiously chase other teammate with one lap to go.
  42. Note that Bad Bart is still there.
  43. Drop teammate who had worked valiantly.
  44. Start sprunt too late. Proper timing to beat Bart would have been to begin sprunt last Thursday.
  45. Watch Bad Bart scamper away from me like a Scientologist avoiding the IRS.
  46. End race.
  47. Receive glorious sixth place medal and dowsing rod.
  48. Drive back with the Hun.
  49. Tell him how hard I worked to block.
  50. Answer “Nothing” when the Hun asks what I’m doing that afternoon.
  51. Answer “Nope” when the Hun asks if I mind if we stop for a minute so he can pick up some groceries.
  52. Wait in the car for an hour and a half.
  53. Observe crazy lady in the parking lot of the Gonzales Ranchero Mercado tip over her shopping cart, prize the anti-theft wheel locks off with a giant screwdriver, and gaily push it off the lot.
  54. Get home.
  55. Go to bed.

END

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