SoCal profamateur bike racer shocked to learn about non-benefits of water

April 21, 2016 § 10 Comments

Smedley Sagbottom, a full-time profamateur masters bicycle racer from Irvine, CA, has filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau regarding alleged false advertising practices of the Qwantum Watter Cumpany. According to Sagbottom, “I got ripped off more than $500 from their crummy watter product.”

Qwantum, whose athletic performance drink is marketed as Technikal Wanker Watter, is widely used in the sport of Southern California masters cycling, an activity which is described in detail in the Physicians Desk Reference for Mental Disorders. Qwantum claims that its Technikal Wanker Watter contains “double the hydrogen for every oxygen” and “guaranteed to expand when heated or cooled.”

Sagbottom, who competes in an average of 35 races per season or just enough to get one free kit and a 15% frame discount (whichever is less), claims that the Qwantum ads are grossly deceptive. “I bought four cases because you know it’s called ‘Watter’ instead of water and so it seemed obvious they were saying it would you know, give me more watts, more power.”

Qwantum issued a press release denying the allegations and insisting that it would fight to clear its name. “Our Technikal Wanker Watter has been verified by independent testing to be produced on machinery that does not contain peanuts or other doping products. In addition to immediately causing trans-membrane diffusion and molecular passage through the osmotic stimulation of aquaporins, our TWW has been shown in numerous studies to stimulate seed germination and root growth in trees. The vast majority of earth’s oceans, lakes, and rivers run exclusively on our formula.”

After going on the “Technikal Wanker Watter Diet” for one month, Sagbottom maintains that “It’s all a scam. I pissed everywhere, all the time. One of my kidneys broke and my urethra started leaking worse than a rotten garden hose.”

Despite his disappointment in the failure of Wanker Watter to increase his wattage, Sagbottom insists that he has not given up on his goal of a top-50 finish at the weekly Telo training crit. “The right nutritional-hydrational-epidural product for me is out there, I just have to find it.”

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§ 10 Responses to SoCal profamateur bike racer shocked to learn about non-benefits of water

  • Eric says:

    You’ve got to drink the piss to take the piss

  • Brian in VA says:

    Surprised to find that it doesn’t contain that rare earth element, unobtainium. I suppose the hydrogen atoms make up for that……

  • dangerstu says:

    I think I know this guy.

  • nealhe says:

    Shocked! Shocked I tell you!!

    I cannot imagine this sort of scam happening in America.

    “The Federal Trade Commission, the Orange County (California) District Attorney, and the California State Attorney General announced today that they have reached settlements with Body Wise International, Inc., an Orange County business, resolving allegations that Body Wise deceptively advertised the “AG-Immune” dietary supplement.”

    “The FTC alleges that Body Wise made unsubstantiated claims that AG-Immune prevents, treats, or cures numerous diseases, including cancer, HIV/AIDS and asthma, in violation of a 1995 FTC order. The FTC’s proposed settlement with Body Wise, if approved by the court, requires Body Wise to pay a $2 million civil penalty to the FTC. California’s proposed settlement would require Body Wise to pay the State of California an additional $1.58 million in penalties and costs for allegedly violating the State’s Business and Professions and Health and Safety Codes.”

    “The FTC also reached a settlement with Jesse A. Stoff, M.D., an expert endorser of AG-Immune, to resolve allegations that he made deceptive claims for the product.”

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