Who’s the flaccidest of them all?

June 12, 2016 § 23 Comments

Tomorrow there is a championship bicycle race for old flaccid fellows with leaky prostates and I intend to win it.

Please advise the promoter that I wear a size small champion’s jersey.

Before you roll your eyes so far up into your head that the optic nerve shows, consider that this is a detailed victory plan built upon the three B’s: Wax, Wheels, and Bread.

Prior to assembling the perfect game plan I carefully analyzed my results on the CBR Flaccid Fellows race course over the last few years:

2016: 2nd
2015: 4th, 3rd
2014: 4th
2013: 3rd

We will ignore for a moment that those are the cherry-picked results from the ten thousand times I’ve done this race. What we will not ignore is that of all the racing I’ve done, this is the only one with even the faintest, remotest tint of possibility with regard to a win. In other words, it may be completely hopeless, but it’s infinitely less hopeless than winning UCLA Punchbowl for example, where my results have been 38th, 24th, 29th, DNF, 15th, DNF, and 32nd.

Having run the statistical analysis and concluded that tomorrow is unquestionably my day to win, a number of problems presented themselves, in order of importance:

  1. Why are you such a delusional old fool?
  2. How are going to beat Bart Clifford?
  3. How are you going to beat Craig Miller?
  4. How are you going to beat Ted Rupp?
  5. How are you going to beat James Wiznura?
  6. How are you going to beat Marvin Hall?
  7. How are you going to beat Kenny Rogers?
  8. How are you going to beat Steve Gregorios?
  9. You are going to beat Anthony Reguero.
  10. How are you going to beat Josh Gruenberg?
  11. How are you going to beat all the other people you’ve never beaten before who will be in the race and who will be primed and ready for the kill?

Fortunately, my battle plan effectively resolves each of the above problems with scientific efficiency by applying the three B’s: Wax, Wheels, and Bread.

The first B, of course, is Wend Wax. By proper application of this space age technology which dates back to the  Qin Dynasty, 221–206 BC, which was actually several years before carbon frames and wireless shifting, I am able to ensure that my bike gains an estimated 2,305 gigawatts in power at the decisive moment in the race.

Unfortunately for No. 1-11 above, it’s too late for them to get a Brazilian chain wax job before tomorrow as I ordered three containers of all existing Wend product and they won’t have more until Monday. Sucks to be you, suckahs.

wend1

Note the ultra-boss podium hat I will be wearing on the top step of the podium as I look down in pity on Bart, Brett, Craig, and the other unhappy wankers who will be gnawing their livers in angry defeat while spouses and small children cry in disappointment.

The first step in plan B is of course to properly prep the surgical field, a trick I learned from Dr. Sherri Foxworthy, an expert in prepped fields. With the Qin Dynasty Wend chain cleaner-upper I carefully remove all unsightly hairs along the bikini line as follows:

wend2

Old bikini hair removal with Wend Wax-Off is critical to maximal smoothness of chain penetrating into hot maw of spinning gear teeth.

Next I sealed the victory deal with careful application of the roll-on waxy stick which ensures crisp shifting, minimal friction between the chain and the toothy thingies, and also smells good and you should slap on a roll or two under your arms when you’re teeing up for that special first date with Ms. Swipe Left.

wend3

Comes in three refreshing scents: Hunky Surfer, Studly Tall Man in 3-Piece Suit Who Opens Doors for Ladies, and Mouth Foaming Aged Bike Racer.

Now that I’m all waxed up and feeling smooth and sexy and happily well-scented in prepration for being on the top step, even though I WON’T be raising my arms like some clown on a trampoline, it’s time for the second B: Wheels.

Nothing is more critical to my race plan than the lethal acceleration of the FastForward F2R Wheelset Unpaid Advertorial Except for Those Two Pairs of Free Bib Shorts ($500 retail value, thanks JD). The FFWD F2R wheel is simply the finest 100% carbon full carbon wheel that accelerates very fast in a forward kind of way. It is highly superior to the Mercury/Zipp/Enve/Mavic Fast Backward models, which are made of only 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% not-quite-full carbon and have been laboratory and wind tunnel tested to deliver more speed when going in reverse but less speed than FFWD when traveling forward. So ask yourself: “Would I rather go fast backward or fast forward?” Duh.

ffwd1

Sexy FastForward Wheelbag which doubles as a Cat 2 apartment bag. Baby swimmy pool thing and potted dwarf stone pine we use every Christmas because I’m too cheap to buy a tree not included.

While Problem Numbers 1-11 will all be using a deeper profile 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% not-quite-full carbon wheelset, the F2R will prove decisive in my victory bid because although slightly less aero than the deeper dish wheelsets, the unbearable lightness of being compared to heavier wheels allows for much quicker acceleration out of the turns, and more importantly, when I make my winning move which is designed to break the others with my tremendous power.

FFWD F2R, in addition to lots of capital letters, comes with an ass-kicking thing that lets you put air in and let air out to your desired specifications. And no, don’t bother asking my ace mechanic Boozy P. to glue on your fuggin’ tubulars. He’s busy today if you’re in my race.

ffwd2

These things are sick light; racers start your hidden seat tube engines ’cause your gonna fuggin’ need ’em when these F2R’s start to roll.

The final part of my victory Plan B trifecta is of course bread, and that means none other than Mrs. WM’s homemade staff of life, hot out of the oven, finished on a cooling board, and slathered in heaps of soft butter the mere sight of which will cause Surfer Dan and MMX to break out into a cold sweat.

By carbo and fat and yeast loading on a full loaf of Mrs. WM’s wonder bread and a full stick of butter my muscles and tummy will be supercharged with the power needed to unleash my tremendous power just as everyone else gets flabby, flaccid, and weak at the knees, while at the same time the extra bread power will go straight to my brain and unlock amazing powers of on-the-fly race analysis and canny strategic placement that guarantees victory.

mrs_wm_bread

No, you can’t have any. Yes, I’ll have two buttered slices in my water bottle.

The fourth and final prong of my Three B’s plan is of course “Speedsuit.” Each race, people get more and more envious of my StageOne speedsuit with its speedy dimples and its cool product placement of sponsor names like Beachbody Performance, which supplies me with excellent recovery chocolate milk that I can drink after races to recover from the bread and butter. With its speedy look, form fitting clingy-ness and slinky girlish fit just above my hairy and bony knees this outfit adds a dozen watts to any effort and doubles as gorgeous evening attire for any kinky party with leather-clad people who have names like Chester, Malvolio, Sir Pain, and Prissy Bitchyface.

stageone1

When you click on the Beachbody link, ignore the hairy ape in the Borat uni-thong. No matter how much recovery drink you consume, you won’t turn into him.

END

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