Pillow talk

June 25, 2016 § 10 Comments

If you want to be a successful profamateur leaky prostate bike racing dope taker, it is crucial that you get a good night’s sleep. For me, that means sleeping on Mrs. WM’s pillow. “You get offa my pillow,” she always says with a forceful kick. “You stinky head.”

Mrs. WM has the best pillow in the world. It is firm but soft, and covered with a crisp cotton pillowcase. Then, to top it off, it is wrapped in a snow-soft gentle towel that is so clean and always smells so fresh that the minute your head touches Mrs. WM’s pillow you drop off into sleepyland.

Wanky’s pillow is a different bike racing pillow altogether. First, no matter how many times you wash it, disinfect it, or plunge it into a bucket of Lime-Plus Flea, Tick & Mange Dip, it smells like an old bike racing pillow. Second, it is kind of sour smelling, like a dirty head, and it’s lumpy, too. Third, some places are soft like a rotten tomato, and others are hard like a piece of brick. No matter where you put your head on it, it’s the wrong place. You wake up in the morning from a hard night of Wanky pillow feeling like your head has been beaten with one of those giant twirling bristle things on the bottom of a street cleaner.

Mrs. WM won’t tell me where she buys her pillow and she certainly won’t buy me one. “You onna ruin it with stinky head,” she says when I beg for one. “Your head touch onna anything, stinky head. Bikin’helmet, stinky head. Bikin’ beanie head thing, stinky head. Baseball cap even though you ain’t playin’ any baseball, stinky head. So why I’m gonna buy you a nice Japanese pillow, smells all good and then stinky head?”

Since Mrs. WM has pretty sharp bedroom elbows and a solid set of 40-grit sandpaper calluses on the soles of her feet to keep away unwanted pillow snatchers, I have to get my pillow on the sly, which means during nap time. On the weekend I will wait until she’s out shopping, then sneak into bed and take a quick catnap of 2-3 hours snuggled up against her pillow. I wrap my head in a towel first to prevent anything from rubbing off and luxuriate in the deepest and best sleep known to man.

So the next time I’m standing on the podium and you wonder what my secret is … now you know.

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§ 10 Responses to Pillow talk

  • dangerstu says:

    Marginal gains and all that…

  • Michelle Landes says:

    This is awesome ! She’s going to hide it now lol😂

  • Winemaker says:

    Jan also has “her” pillow. I tried to take it once. Sometimes it only takes once to learn a lesson. The dogs have beds that are better than my pillow. I get nothing, and I’ve learned to like it.

  • Marc caruso says:

    There is an easy 5 step Solution.
    Step1) Hide the pillow.
    Step2) Tell your wife you sent the pillow out to be cleaned.
    Step 3) Tell her the pillow got lost at the cleaners.
    Step 4) Offer to buy her a new pillow, or give her money to get one.
    Step5) A miracle happened. The cleaners called they found your lost pillow. Which you picked up after work.

    • fsethd says:

      Flaw #1: Wanky has never taken anything to the cleaners in his life, hence SHS (Stinky Head Syndrome).
      Flaw #2: Wanky touches Mrs. WM’s pillow, Wanky dies.
      Flaw #3: Wanky never offers to buy anyone anything ever for any reason.

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