Remaining pro cycling fan convinced the sport is “clean”

September 20, 2016 § 33 Comments

James Smegdahl, America’s remaining fan of professional cycling, was interviewed by Cycling in the South Bay after the recent Fancy Bear hack revealed that 2012 Tour de France champion Bradley Wiggins was a lying liar who lied, and probably also a cheating cheater who cheated.

CitSB: How does it feel to be America’s last fan of professional cycling?

JS: I wouldn’t say “last.” My dog watches it, too.

CitSB: Were you surprised by the Fancy Bear revelation that Wiggo had been injecting corticosteroids before and during the Tour despite saying in his book that he’d never taken a shot for anything except that one time he got the clap?

JS: No.

CitSB: Why not?

JS: The way I see it, Obama is a muslin and he was born in Muslania.

CitSB: Muslania? Where is that?

JS: It’s where all the muslins come from.

CitSB: Well, it’s pretty damning, isn’t it? On the one hand, in his autobiography Wiggo says he’s never injected anything except for maybe dehydration, and on the other he’s received a couple of TUE’s, one for an entire year, that allowed him to constantly inject steroids.

JS: But he was allowed to inject them. It was legal.

CitSB: But he denied doing it. And they boosted his performance.

JS: Lance had a backdated TUE for corticosteroids and he didn’t get kicked out of the ’99 Tour and he wasn’t a muslin, either.

CitSB: That’s the point, isn’t it? Wiggo, who claims to have raced clean, was using the same procedures that Lance used to race dirty when he won his first Tour.

JS: You wouldn’t have that problem if we had a wall. And Mexico’s gonna pay for it, too.

CitSB: Excuse me?

JS: We gotta make America great again. How come you hate America?

CitSB: But Wiggo is British.

JS: Trump has a Trump golf course in Great Britland, too.

CitSB: You mean in Scotland?

JS: Where’s that?

CitSB: It’s part of Great Britain.

JS: That’s what I said.

CitSB: You said “Britland.”

JS: Quit picking on my words. Anyway, it’s not doping if you can back it up. And Wiggo backed it up. He’s won more Olympic medals than any British athlete ever.

CitSB: But doesn’t this call into question whether he was clean when he won them?

JS: No.

CitSB: Dave Brailsford promised total transparency, but has provided anything but. The same time he’s been touting marginal gains through better training, Wiggo’s been juicing on the sly. Doesn’t that make you suspicious?

JS: Have you ever been to Creation Park?

CitSB: No.

JS: You should. It would answer a lot of your questions. They have Noah’s ark and dinosaurs like they had during Jesus’s time. It shows how the dinosaurs got on Noah’s ark and floated away with him.

CitSB: I see.



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