Fluff daddy

March 30, 2017 § 36 Comments

This blog has readers from some of the most remote, savage, uncivilized corners of the globe, including Houston. I was alerted to the following news item, amazing because of its cycling content but also because it was considered “news.” How the mighty broadcasters of Marvin Zindler have fallen.

The announcer announces that in addition to being a Professional Cyclist, Jeremy Andrews’s career spanned two Olympics. It’s not clear which Olympics Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews participated in, or in which sport because it certainly wasn’t cycling for the U.S. Maybe Moldova? Or maybe by “spanned” they meant “threw a wrench into”?

Things to note about Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews:

  • Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews’s secret to so much success is two days off the bike every year, Christmas and Thanksgiving. “There is no off-season.”
  • Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews tells us that as a Professional Cyclist On Long Rides you either “talk to yourself for hours on end or you actually listen to some music.” Tough choices for Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews!
  • Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews’s newest challenge is spin class, which, according to his instructor, is like “a yoga class meets a Beyonce concert on a bike.” Sounds like a personal injury lawsuit to me!
  • Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews likes spin class because of the lights, the sounds, the visuals, and the team camaraderie. Yes, team camaraderie. Perhaps for drafting? Or lead-outs?
  • Spin class allows Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews to work out with people who normally wouldn’t ride with him because who could keep up with Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews? Certainly not Ol’ Grizzles!

I phoned up Ol’ Grizzles, who lives in Houston and is in the build phase for our upcoming 2017 Mallorca Bike Ride and Face Stuffing.

“Have you ever heard of Professional Cyclist Jeremy Andrews?”

“Fuck no,” said Ol’ Grizzles. “Who’s he?”

“He’s been in a couple of Olympics and rides in Houston. He’s kind of a big deal. Figured you’d know him.”

Ol’ Grizzles choked down another hot dog and quart of beer. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“PROFESSIONAL CYCLIST JEREMY ANDREWS. He was on the Houston TeeVee. Trains 363 days a year. Houston rider. Professional. No off-season. Totally legit.”

“Look,” growled Ol’ Grizzles. “It’s past my bedtime. I never heard of this fuckstick.”

“Can I send you the video clip?”

“I guess,” Ol’ Grizzles snarled.

A few minutes later the phone rang. It was Ol’ Grizzles. “What a putz,” he said.

“Who?”

“You for wasting my time. And Jeremy Andrews for being a professional idiot. The only pro cycling career I can imagine that clown having was fluffing on the team bus, maybe.”

“Don’t be so harsh. The TeeVee said he was a Professional Cyclist.”

“I don’t care if it said he was President Obama. And if you’re going to send me stupid videos send me something less stupid than that, like a cat coughing up a hairball or something.” Ol’ Grizzles hung up.

It sounded like he was going to be in a bad mood for Mallorca.

END

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§ 36 Responses to Fluff daddy

  • Sibex Czar says:

    The Google search does come up a bit thin, and I did hear a voice in the back of my head “Who?”

    He certainly looks pretty fit and if he brings some positive news angles to the public eye, then good for him.

  • Matthew Hall says:

    “And he trains all over the country. Last week he was in Portland to experience the different elevations…” huh?

  • Toronto says:

    FAKE CYCLING NEWS.

  • Jim A says:

    I lived (stayed?) in Houston for one month back in 1990. I still remember the sage commentaries of Marvin Zindler righting the world’s wrongs at the end of the 6 o’clock news!

  • Mike Hancock says:

    I didn’t watch the whole thing, because I just… couldn’t. Did he make the claim (on camera) that he was a professional cyclist and Olympian or did they? My cycling career has spanned several Olympics, even if I wasn’t on the team. I have a job, so I’m a professional too, just not a professional cyclist. Add a comma in there and you might be closer.

    His results at the Tour de Gruene are respectable enough, but not quite the same. What he says about becoming a professional cyclist here (http://www.mysanantonio.com/sports/article/Houston-rider-returns-to-defend-Tour-de-Gruene-747429.php) kinda contradicts the whole professional/Olympian thing, which makes me think a bright, shiny reporter embellished a little to reinforce their preconceived thesis.

    Is he a fuckstick? I have no idea. I do have a pretty good idea about the reporter, though.

    • fsethd says:

      It’s a hobby except when it comes to LinkedIn. There he was a professional cyclist for 14 years, 1 month.

  • dangerstu says:

    He looks strong, hopefully he get’s to ride at the TOC so we can check him out up close, rather than that silly race in Italy.

  • Warren Naugler says:

    According to LinkedIn he may have made money in cycling but not necessarily racing a bike.
    Professional Cyclist – Duration14 yrs 1 mo
    •Responsible for acquiring funds to cover cost of equipment and racing by selling advertising space on equipment; Performance based funding
    •Organized and implemented the national sponsorship for the cycling team with Clif Bar Inc,
    Fazoli’s, Krispy Kreme, Beckco Inc., Go Cookie and Bank of America
    •Calculated and ensured the arrival of 15 cyclists and their equipment to race throughout the European countries.
    How about “bike industry professional”?

  • Gary Cziko says:

    The video clip says “with a career that spanned two Olympics.” My professional career (as a professional professor) from 1979 to 2008 spanned seven Olympics; eight more if you consider the winter games. That’s a total of 15!

    It’s easy to span. Participating is harder.

    • fsethd says:

      And some of your work affects professional cyclists, so you’re a professional cyclist, too!

  • Helicomatic says:

    “Career spanning two Olympics” is a claim anyone older than 10 can make. And, probably should.

  • Waldo says:

    Invite Jeremy to Mallorca–y’all might learn something from an Olympian pro.

    • fsethd says:

      I’d fly him out to do the Donut so we could learn a thing or two from a 14-year professional cyclist who takes two days off a year. THERE IS NO OFF SEASON.

  • Jim A says:

    Also, everybody knows real pros ride 365 days a year– you take one day off only on leap years.

  • LesB says:

    Maybe someone is paying him to stay OFF the bicycle.
    He’s getting paid, that makes him a professional, irregardless.

  • Redacted says:

    North Houston bro, its different – Like PV Estates vs Rolling Hills – Straight trash in the Hills –

    H-TOWN!

    • fsethd says:

      North Houston PV Estates. Hahahaha! They will love that comparison. Please send them a picture of I-45 and some of the fanciest strip malls.

  • Dan says:

    If only I could be on team Krispy Kreme

    • fsethd says:

      I’ve been on that team for years, along with Team Dunkin’, Team Winchell, and Team Li’l Debbie.

  • channel_zero says:

    Whhhooooaaaaaaa there a minute, Wanky.

    By professional he means, like a 2017 “professional” cyclist. You know the ones. The ones that pay to ride, including the few who pay for a professional license, and Cat 1s while the bank of mom and dad fund their dead-end dreams.

    So, YEAAH! This guy is so professional and an average one at that.

    That’s what the sport has become and why it is irrelevant beyond showing up and being destroyed at a wind swept, cruel, rectangle called Telo.

    BTW, Coryn Rivera just won Trofeo Alfredo Binda. https://cyclingtips.com/2017/03/coryn-rivera-wins-trofeo-alfredo-binda-historic-bunch-sprint-finish-take-womens-worldtour-round-three/

    I’m not opposed to cycling as a sport. But, like Ms. Rivera, you need to kick some international @ss, money or not.

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