It takes work, dude

July 6, 2017 § 25 Comments

That’s what I want to tell Lance Armstrong after listening to his podcast covering Stage 3 of the Turdy France.

Several people told me I should “check it out” because “it was really insightful” and they admonished me “to listen with an open mind.”

Obviously, these were people who didn’t know me at all. The day I listen to anything with an open mind it will be due to a gunshot wound to the head.

That said, I did tune in and I was impressed. Impressed with what an impossibly lazy person Lance Armstrong is. Here is a guy with nothing to do. No job. No cancer to cure. No bike to race. Not even any poopy diapers left to change. At least he could put some effort into the podcast because, you know, if there’s one guy who knows how to race and win a Turdy France, IT’S LANCE FUGGIN’ ARMSTRONG.

Hello, ex-seven times consecutive Tour champion!! This is your turf!!

Here’s what I expected: A beginning-to-end breakdown of how the race unfolded, why it was significant (or not), in-depth looks at the protagonists and wankers alike, detailed analysis of the course, and detailed analysis of what was going on and why.

Why did I expect that? Because Lance knows this stuff. He is a bike racing computer. I don’t care about his drugscapades in that regard, he still had to know how to race and he had to understand what to do when. He was a savvy, smart guy on the bike.

But no. What Lance delivered was fluff, puff, and one particularly awful piece of near-slanderous misinformation. The fluff was about “why the yellow jersey was yellow.” Yawning, stream-of-unconsciousness observations about Tour history and stuff. Yo, Lance! We already have one babbling idiot in the commentator’s seat, and his name is Phil Liggett. You will never be as stupid or boring as Phil, so please quit trying.

The near-slander was egregious. At one point he talked about “trading favors” and insinuated that, for example, Team Sky gets on the horn and advises another team that it will “let” them win the stage, with the implication being that a favor will be returned later down the road … you know, “politics,” wink wink nudge nudge, otherwise known as collusion and sporting fraud.

Somewhat astounded, the other guy in the trailer pressed Lance for the physical mechanics of how that works. Phone call? Face to face? And Lance backpedaled like crazy. Doesn’t really know anymore, isn’t in the mix these days, can’t say, etc. etc. And then he finished off this rather explosive allegation by saying that it probably doesn’t really even happen much anymore.

Jeez, what a load of crap. Of course racers remember the outcome of one day, or who did what in a prior break, and of course they sometimes use it to trade horses during a subsequent race if and when advantageous. But the idea that Brailsford is on the phone with Madiot saying, “Okay, today you get the win, but in the mountains you owe me the GC,” is absurd. Even Lance recognized how dumb his premise sounded because he maladroitly transitioned into the history of the yellow jersey, thank you Wikipedia.

Armstrong could be a fantastic commentator. He knows a bunch. He’s done a bunch. He sees things we don’t. He has a very good commentating voice. He understands dynamics that are not immediately apparent.

But he doesn’t have a crystal ball, and in order to commentate he would have to do what first-class commentators like Craig Hummer do: Watch, re-watch, re-watch, and re-watch again. He would have to study, analyze, compare, interview, and bust his ass — all in a very short time frame because he’s doing same-day coverage. Instead of doing those things, which require hard work, dedication to a craft, and tons of practice, he picked up a mic and blabbered for forty minutes because hey, he’s Lance. Compare his shoddy, make-it-up-as-he-goes along podcast with Sean Kelly or Perico, and you’ll understand my rating for this horribly lazy fellow:

Ten thumbs down.

END

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§ 25 Responses to It takes work, dude

  • jtoumey1557 says:

    I had high hopes for Lance’s recaps. Unfortunately, it appears that Lance wants to talk about himself, shoot down his very capable co-host, and give vague insights that add little to the discussion.

    • fsethd says:

      You might even say he was lazy, self-centered, arrogant, and boring. If you wanted to, that is.

  • Michelle landes says:

    10 thumbs down😂 I listened for 3 minutes what a joke!

  • Redacted says:

    What am I on? I’m on my bike busting my ass six hours a day. What are you on?

  • Redacted says:

    I’d like to hear a podcast from Tyler Hamilton’s absorbed chimera twin – Oh the stories he would have . . .

  • dangerstu says:

    I have to admit I was intrigued, but had not yet checked out said podcasts, thanks for saving me the time.

  • Jeff Dinkin says:

    It’s because he’s clean. He needs to DOPE – and he’d be better. Perhaps some SSRI’s would do the trick….

  • Jeff Dinkin says:

    It’s not about the mic. 😉

  • deanabt says:

    I lasted about 30 seconds. In addition to being, as you articulate particularly well, horrifically unprepared, he looks awful. It was upsetting to see. On the other hand, the Aussies handling the call for NBC online-streaming version are pretty dang good.

    • fsethd says:

      I didn’t know there were visuals. The auditory was so bad. Maybe the worst part was him relating how his youngest child (Lance calls him a “punk”), was contemptuous of the Airstream trailer in which the podcast was taking place.

  • I’ve caught a few episodes of his regular podcast. This Tour de France Stages thing he’s doing is a joke. The race overviews are weak and his supporting cast just as light.

    The actual podcast, the one in which he interviews random people like nascar driver Jimmie Johnson, Shep Gordon, Rahm Emanuel, Bo Jackson, isn’t that bad at all, but that’s because those come across as genuine conversations, whereas the Stages spin seems to be more about pandering to an audience.

  • channel_zero says:

    Because Lance knows this stuff. He is a bike racing computer.

    If all the computer did was find every possible shortcut, sporting rules be damned. Yes.

    I doubt the laziness came from all the drugs Carmichael fed him, or Och’s program, or…

    • fsethd says:

      It’s hard to argue that winning major races requires a high racing IQ, at least in the pre-radio era.

  • paa says:

    Thank you. This Lance podcast keeps popping up in my youtube feed and I always click “not interested” to make it disappear.

  • Fausto says:

    Sad that Outside Magazine is helping push his crap. Still think he has the bully in him, just no power. Now he just looks like a washed up athlete trying to stay relevant hoping that people will forget. Just makes him look like a celebrity media whore. Don’t want his analysis, Danielsons training ideas, Levi’s Fondo, Hincapie clothing, etc. They should all disappear. And Och talking about the Sagan incident on the NBC broadcast, what a politician, full of crap. How is that “we will pull all day and let Sky rest” strategy working out for ya dope?

    • fsethd says:

      I think he knows that he has two million followers, lots of fans, and therefore he brings viewers. The controversy is a bonus, actually, because people are talking about him. The worst thing that could happen to him is that people would simply not care.

      I don’t care that much about his transgressions. He’s been punished and is serving his time–a lifetime. He’s also getting close to a very big trial date. What other sports cheat has been hammered as hard as he has?

      My point wasn’t about his past, but about his present. I’d love to hear intelligent, engaging commentary about Tour racing … from anyone. Unfortunately, it’s not him.

  • senna65 says:

    I’ve listened to several of his podcast and a few of the “Stages” and ultimately he just has a hard time not talking about himself. Seems like he’s always looking for an opportunity to tie things back to him. The whole “Bro” thing he has going with his celebrity cronies (cycling guys and non-cycling guys alike) is kind’ve embarrassing and cringe worth to listen to. I guess it kind’ve interesting to hear a 7 time TDF winner talk about his hangovers, but a bit weird that the “dude” apparently drinks rose? At the end of the day its still a bit hard to forget about the way this guy went after people like Walsh, LeMond, the Andreus, etc. Tilford seemed to have the best approach of anyone to the whole LA saga.

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