UCI announces new reforms

December 24, 2018 § 1 Comment

The UCI published its list of reforms designed to make racing more exciting for spectators, more profitable for sponsors and investors, develop new events and markets, maintain success of the historic races and organizers, and provide financial security for racers. CitSB sat down with UCI president David Lappartient to discuss these breakthrough developments.

CitSB: Let’s start with your reforms to make racing more exciting for spectators.

Lappartient: As you know, racing has become a dull, predictable, stupefying exercise where doped up automatons are told what to do over a radio.

CitSB: Yes.

Lappartient: As a result, riders take no initiative, have no need to think or ride tactically, and worst of all, spectators hate it. Imagine, the sport that once boasted Bernard Hinault now has as its frontispiece … Christopher Froome!

CitSB: It is dreadful.

Lappartient: So we have taken the major step of creating a new logo for Pro Tour teams, a little badger designed by the famous designer Sanrio who does Hello Kitty and such. Each rider must wear the Hello Badger icon on its left rear butt panel. Can you imagine the excitement?

CitSB: I’m trying. What about a business model that allows sponsors and investors to stay in the sport for the long term?

Lappartient: This has been the biggest problem and we have worked the hardest to resolve it. As it now stands, ASO controls everything.

CitSB: Many say that as a Frenchman you are simply their puppet.

Lappartient: Those are vile members of the Gilets Jaune.

CitSB: So what is the reform?

Lappartient: Beginning in 2019, no team owners will be required to kiss the signet ring of Jean-Etienne Amaury. Henceforth, we have abolished all bowing, speaking with averted eyes, and ritual suicide for those who have displeased Jean-Etienne.

CitSB: Um, okay. What about development of the sport?

Lappartient: Cycling will die if it does not have youth who are excited by their heroes, who do not dream of one day becoming the next Chris Froome.

CitSB: Excuse me?

Lappartient: Cycling has grave difficulties because the network of smaller development races at the local level has disappeared throughout Europe, to say nothing of the United States and other traditionally weak nations.

CitSB: And the plan?

Lappartient: We have a new cycling cartoon called Comme les Garcons, “Just like the boys.” It features our Sanrio character, Hello Badger, as he plays a cycling video game and fights an evil animal called Kong Donkey. He will be dressed like a cute Italian-French plumber.

CitSB: This is going to revitalize local racing?

Lappartient: Our marketing department is certain.

CitSB: Are you concerned about any trademark/copyright issues there?

Lappartient: What do you mean?

CitSB: Oh, nothing. What about rider security?

Lappartient: This is the simplest of all. The riders deserve more money. It is that simple. Pay them and they will stay. So we have tripled their salaries, effective January 1, 2019.

CitSB: Wait a minute. How much do they make now?

Lappartient: The current average annual salary is $5.89. Why?

CitSB: Never mind.

END

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