Yeah, boy

February 2, 2019 § 21 Comments

I glanced at this magazine cover on the coffee table, and it struck me. Oh, yeah. The Super Bowl is coming up. Then I looked at it a little harder and realized that I had no idea who was playing. Ignorance sure was bliss, but I puzzled over the headline for a second. The Rams? 35 years? Then I shrugged and moved on with, you know, life.

The thing that cycling saved me from was football. Not that I ever played it or followed it, mind you, but growing up in Texas if you didn’t follow football, it followed you.

Every idiot starting at about age six talked about football, and no matter how disinterested you were in it, unless you were deaf you had to listen to the endless, mindless chatter about the game. And when you got older, it was “the big game.” There was always a “big game.” Every weekend.

I learned early that football was for other people. Sandlot and schoolyard football were brutal excuses to pound people’s faces into the dirt, and the smaller and slower you were the harder you got pounded. At some point I came up with the strategy of always lining up on the end, going long, and dropping the ball. This ensured that no one ever threw it to me, and no one ever tackled me.

On offense.

On defense it was always the same suicidal order from some big dude who had hair on his nuts four years ahead of everyone else. “Everybody rush!” And you’d smash into some immovable meat hunk who would knock you on your butt or run over your head or both.

“Why?” I wondered, “should I spend my time outdoors voluntarily getting my head staved in when my brother did it to me continually at home against my will?”

The brutality was compounded by the fact that any boy wanting his boy badge had to sign up for Pop Warner no later than four, so by the time you were scrapping in the schoolyard during gym at age 12 or 13, half the kids were semi-pro. They ran fast, they threw accurate spirals, and they tackled not simply to knock you down, but to make sure you didn’t get back up.

I hated football and still remember the first time I rode my bicycle to San Marcos on Stupid Sunday. Roads empty. No one out. Best cycling day of the year except for maybe Christmas, and of course none of my buddies gave two squirty shits about football. By late January or February we were already speculating on Flanders and Roubaix, wondering who would open hostilities at Het Volk, eager to see if the Badger was going to to dominate Lemond again, or whether Fignon would make a comeback.

Football fans? Losers.

Still, in the real world you still had to hear the drivel about the big game and see it in the papers. Even though I never watched TV, my roommates did, and game day, always the “big game,” was an orgy of drunkenness, pot, and hysterical screaming.

One neighbor, Joe Vessowaite, was so tied up with the success and failure of the Cowboys that their performance on the field actually had the power to put him into six solid days of solid depression or manic euphoria. “My ‘Boys!” he’d say, as if, you know, they were his children or his friends or his family or his lovers or all of the above.

Then and now I wondered how an adult could have any portion of his identity wrapped up in the sporting success of interchangeable athletes? What difference did it make if Michael Jordan scored another touchdown, or if J.R. Richard kicked the baseball through the uprights?

And although friends knew better than to mention “the big game” to me, strangers and acquaintances didn’t. “How ’bout that game?” they’d say with satisfaction the day after, assuming I knew, assuming I cared, and assuming we’d both settle into an “intellectual” “discussion” of whether the Oilers’ two-minute game was any good, or whether Barry Switzer’s wishbone was what had made the difference in the incredibly important annual “shootout” between Texas and OU, and what this meant for the Southwest Conference standings.

Usually I would simply say “I didn’t watch it and don’t give a shit,” and thereby make a lifelong enemy.

But one day I was having my car worked on Cecil Cashman, a recalcitrant, misanthropic car genius if ever there was one. His garage was inside a fortress off of US 59, and in order to be one of his customers you had to be introduced, which I had been, by his equally misanthropic brother Dan.

It was a Monday and Cecil was ridiculing the grown men who cared about football. “Fuckin’ stupid ass big game,” he said. “It’s always the ‘big game.’ But you know what? I can’t tell ’em they’re a bunch of grown babies. If I did, I’d have zero customers.”

“So what do you do?” I asked.

“Pretty simple. Customer comes in all grinning and ready to talk fooball. ‘How ’bout that game?’ he’ll say. Always the same. They fucking assume you watched it so they don’t even need to say which one.”

“And?”

“And I just look at ’em with a big old grin, shake my head, and say, ‘Yeah, boy!”

“That’s it?”

“Yep. Works like a charm. Fucking idiots then rattle on about it while I fix their car and charge them double, once for the work and once for having to listen to their drivel.”

Ever since then I enjoy Stupid Sunday as much as I always have. Empty roads, and a truly peaceful, easy feeling. And when people ask me “How ’bout that game?” they always get the perfect answer.

“Yeah, boy.”


END

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§ 21 Responses to Yeah, boy

  • alanardeng says:

    I’ve never had an interest in football and don’t know what Superball is all about. When I get an an incredulous “ why not”, I simply tell them “ I’m Gay”. No more questions, problem solved…

  • Vlad Luskin says:

    Erm, about that sentence in the last paragraph, the Eagles were in last year’s stupor bowl…

  • Dean Patterson says:

    Two comments, Wanky:
    1. The Oilers don’t exist anymore. Neither does the Southwest conference. Barry Switzer is very retired and out of the limelight (thank Dog)
    2. I used “Yeah Boy!” once in cycling….as a description of when LeMond put it on the big ring and waltzed away from everyone in a road race in Norcal. It was an “Aha” moment when I just KNEW no one was ever going to give me a contract. Seemed appropriate.

  • pvannuys says:

    The LA Wheelmen used to have an annual ride called the I Hate Football Century. Guess when it was scheduled….

  • nealhe says:

    Was C.T.E. Stealing His Mind? A Gunshot Provided the Answer

  • We’re going to a Superbowl party today, not for the football, but for the freinds. We’ll probably be saying “yeah, boy” a lot. Thanks for the tip!

  • Chris says:

    I’ve found that the subtle “I’m not really a football person” is equivalent to saying “I’ve got a few minutes available (to feign interest), please state your case as to why I should root for your team!”

    “Yeah, Boy!” it is. Thanks for the tip on this rainy Stupid Sunday.

  • Frazer Hazlett says:

    I grew up in Ireland and was mercifully spared the influence of football, at least the gridiron version. In the mid 80’s our channel 4 started showing a game every Sunday and I acquired a mild interest in the game as an alternative to the violence on the terraces of the English football league. But the games lasted just over an hour as C4 cut all the US adds and my fleeting fandom evaporated when I watched my first and last Super bowl live (Bengals/49ers I think), a game that lasted more than 31/2 hours.
    However, now that I live and work in the US my lack of knowledge on all things football has created a situation when I’m socializing in professional circles or with many of my girlfriends family and friends weren’t I find myself locked out of the male conversation circle as all these guys seem to be able to talk about when not talking shop is major league sports. I find myself drifting over to the ladies side of the room as I’m far more likely to be able to converse there. Not that those ladies may not be huge fans of America sports but they seem so much better equipped to talk about other subjects.
    Seth, your “Yeah, boy” response shows your diplomacy skills which I clearly lack as I’m more likely to comment that the major leagues are better described as non-scripted entertainment than real sport

    • fsethd says:

      Beats “What kind of moron are you?” for socializing and job advancement. Also, if you socialize more with women it is just a confession that you prefer being around people smarter than yourself.

  • dangerstu says:

    I just say not enough wheels for me, but it’s nice they empty the roads on what’s typically my birthday weekend.

    • fsethd says:

      It used to be that way. But now there is huge morning traffic to the store for last minute items I mean booze.

  • senna65 says:

    Best championship game of the day was played in Denmark.

  • senna65 says:

    That said, my favorite athlete as a kid growing up in southern CA was Roger Staubach – turns out he was a pretty good guy for a kid to look up to – the real deal.

  • flehnerz says:

    Totally just got back from a ride. Roads were empty.
    I still don’t know (or care) who is playing. 🙂

  • Drew C says:

    I just glance at the headlines of the sports section of the daily paper, and hope I don’t run into some male who wants to explore the vernacular, so to speak. But I try to know something, just in case, including saying open-ended “Yeah, that was quite a game!” Stoopid.

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