Meet the Candidates, Part 2

February 12, 2019 § 5 Comments

Today we got to interview Michael Kemps, Palos Verdes Estates city council candidate and CEO/founder of a major tech firm that has changed the way America buys pencils. Michael took a moment out of his hectic campaign schedule to brief us on the key issues in this watershed PV Estates election.

CitSB: So, Michael, your core values are?

MK: Money. Money and whiteness.

CitSB: Okay, well you appear to be well qualified on both counts. Can you tell us a little about your love of money, how you came to love it, why it’s your guiding passion, that kind of thing?

MK: Sure. From my earliest memories I loved money. The way it smells. The way the coins jingle in your pockets. And of course I was born here in PVE.

CitSB: I didn’t know they had a hospital here.

MK: I wasn’t born in a hospital. My parents were so devoted to PVE that they insisted I be born on the kitchen table, delivered right along with the Hamburger Helper and the Campbell’s cream of chicken soup. And I was.

CitSB: I see. And that’s how you came to love money so much?

MK: And whiteness. I have it in my blood, in my bones. So it was natural that I went on to found one of the most important tech startups in America.

CitSB: And that is?

MK: Pencils ‘R Us.

CitSB: Okay. Pencils. Sounds, well, not too glamorous, but inventive, I guess, sort of. A little. And how has Pencils ‘R Us prepared you for the city council?

MK: As you can imagine, I’ve been ridiculed all my adult life for being an online purveyor of pencils. The jokes are endless and mean, and I believe that well-deserved ridicule is a core part of this city’s political life. But I’ve persevered, and I believe that my love of whiteness and money has prepared me well for making sure that the PVE city council will be better provisioned with pencils than any municipal government in America. And we handle erasers, too.

CitSB: Okay, so in your positioning statement you say, “Preserving the character, culture and charm of our neighborhoods is vital.” What does this mean?

MK: It means whiteness. We are a white community with a very white character. And that is being lost. Second, our white culture. Threats from the outside are threatening this white culture. Remember that our city’s original grant deeds limited ownership to whites only. Think about that. “Whites only.” Doesn’t mean browns, tans, or octoroons. Means white. Finally, the charm of PVE. What is our charm? It’s the city’s whiteness. Whiteness is charming and we need to keep that.

CitSB: How is the city’s whiteness being challenged?

MK: Oh, you see it everywhere, every day. I’m not naming names, but we currently have a non-white mayor. That’s a first, and hopefully a last.

CitSB: Got it. So you make a lot out of the fact that you were born here, spent your whole life here, are PVE through and through. How does that help you in this PVE election compared to your opponents?

MK: Well, it means I’m more narrow-minded than an already very, very narrow-minded pool of candidates. Imagine if I’d ever had to learn a second language, or read a poem, or had lived in a third world country like Torrance. It has taken a lifetime for me to develop this insularity. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither were these blinders.

CitSB: I suppose the most impressive thing on your resume is where you say you are experienced at “coordinating multiple home and business remodel and construction projects.” Can you elaborate?

MK: Oh, sure. We’ve remodeled our kitchen four times, and you know what?

CitSB: What?

MK: Each time it has been better, bigger, and more brushed-steel Subzero than the last time. Any man who can coordinate a kitchen remodel is a man who can do anything. And the voters in PVE, aside from respecting whiteness and money, respect kitchen remodels. It’s the PVE trifecta. Add facelifts fourfecta, five if you count boob jobs.

CitSB: So you and your wife like to cook?

MK: Oh, please. We just use the microwave. The kitchen’s a showpiece, but sometimes we let the maid use it.

CitSB: Moving on, what are your thoughts about the Big Orange cycling gang that is killing the local unicorns by running all the stop signs?

MK: This is our city’s single biggest issue. We need more police patrols. More traffic stops. Body armor. Arrests. That kind of thing. We need a Broken Windows type of policing policy towards these vicious hooligans. The moment they run a stop sign, bam! Cuff, stuff, life without parole.

CitSB: That’s a lot more gentle than your failed opponent, who advocated summary execution and a border wall.

MK: Those things should be on the table, too. I’m just talking about life in prison as a first step.

CitSB: I see. First life, and then the death penalty?

MK: Yes. Right before you die. Rot in prison for 75 years and then as you’re coughing up blood, drag ’em out to the firing squad or hook ’em up to Old Sparky. I’m not opposed to collective guilt, either, and that includes Big O cycling gangsters who don’t even ride in PV. And their families. And don’t tell me our prisons are full. Build more.

CitSB: I guess that naturally leads to a question about where you stand regarding Shrimpy McScampi, PVE’s most notorious crank, Internet troll, and criminal defendant.

MK: Shrimpy? He is white, isn’t he?

CitSB: I think so.

MK: And rich, right?

CitSB: He says he is.

MK: Then you can lay off him. Would I want him to marry my wife? Probably not yet. But does he have all the rights that go along with being white and having money? Absolutely.

CitSB: One last question.

MK: Shoot.

CitSB: You’ve gone on record as saying “We need to effectively balance private home remodel growth with the overzealous development efforts of those seeking large, looming structures that destroy views and violate the spirit of our Neighborhood Compatibility Ordinance (NCO).” Did you have any particular home in mind?

MK: Well, we could start with that eyesore on 600 Via Gorrion. Ugliest monstrosity since Stonehenge. I mean, why didn’t they just dump a 100-foot-high stack of boards and rocks in a pile, spray paint it, and call it “home”?

CitSB: Well, white people with money have a right to live in huge dumpsters designed by expensive architects, don’t they? Isn’t that part of white culture?

MK: Yes, but that oblong port-a-potty takes the cake. And as council member I’ll make sure that festering blights like that never get approved unless there is some exceptional whiteness and money demonstrated in the permit application.

CitSB: Anything you’d like to add?

MK: My wife is white. So are my kids. And we intend to stay that way.

CitSB: Thanks, Michael.

MK: You’re welcome.

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END

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