The B Ride

April 9, 2019 § 14 Comments

Or, “We had to destroy the ride to save it.”

Thanks to the input and advice from one of the most respected Cat 3 riders in the South Bay, and building on his desire to champion all the B riders out there, I’ve come up with an expanded list of B rides that will all be added to the SoCal group ride calendar, effective immediately.

Telo B Ride: Formerly the toughest, full gas, all out, only-the-strong-survive beatdown training crit around, there will now be a B Telo to encourage riders and help them in their quest to become faster by racing slower. The course will have a diaper changing station, a massage table, a selfie podium to take photos on so you can post to #facegag and #instabrag showing that you were there, whether or not you were actually “there.” B Race Director Karpitt Bagger will debrief finishers with the latest in Connecticut Cat 3 racing stragety.

Donut B Ride: Riders who end up every Saturday #sadface because they #gotdropped can now start five minutes later under the tutelage of Sir Big Boy, the new Donut B Ride Leader. The B Ride will have all of the same climbs but will go at a regulated pace, with a designated encourager and “B Ride Champion-er” to call out helpful advice for stragglers. Cadence, gear selection, and recommended speeds will be broadcast via PA from the sag wagon. Atop each of the climbs there will be a #facegag and #instabrag podium where finishers can snap selfies and post to #socmed in #realtime.

NOW B Ride: Tired of getting shelled at 35 mph on PCH? The NOW B Ride has a speed cap of 21 mph; riders who exceed this speed on PCH, with or without a tailwind, will received a certificate of admonishment and not be allowed to stand on the B Ride traveling selfie podium. Ride Boss Friendly McAngry will sing out appropriate cadences to the tune of Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries.” Riders will climb Pepperdine Hill together, max w/kg output will be 1.4. Riders unable to meet this w/kg threshold to finish with the group will be provided electric bicycles for the climb. The group will stop at the top so that riders can snap selfies on the B Ride #travelingpodium. A #socmed advisor will be on hand to help get the best chin and drippy sweat angle.

Nichols B Ride: Gosh it sucks getting flayed on the wall on Nichols Canyon Drive!!! The new B Ride will offer a cable tow allowing all riders to summit together. From his motorcycle Ride Marshal Big Daddy Dumpling will encourage all B riders to give solid efforts and work hard to achieve their own personal best. A special kudo prize will be given to the rider who uploads first to Strava.

Flog B Ride: Science shows that too much pain too early in the morning is bad for your work productivity. The new Flog B Ride will be one lap instead of six, starting at 7:45. La Cuesta will be deleted as it tends to hurt too many feelings. The B Ride #travelingpodium will be available at Malaga Cove for B riders to snap selfies; doing the one lap is optional. Selfie Director Lumpy Muppet will help with appropriate hashtag placement.

Wheatgrass B Ride: Follow-up surveys show that riders who get blasted out the back up Stathisridge are #sadface and #unappreciative at post-ride coffee. The new Wheatgrass B Ride, led by Ride Martinet Talky McFacebook, will omit Stathisridge, Better Homes, and De Luna and will have regroups at: top of the Reservoir, top of Marymount, bottom of Switchbacks, base of Glass Church, top of Glass Church, base of Hawthorne Sprint, middle of Hawthorne Sprint, and end of Hawthorne Sprint. Climbs up Hawthorne, Monaco, and Whitley Collins will be replaced by a ride in the sag wagon and a team shot on the B Ride #travelingpodium.

NPR B Ride: This ride is simply too dangerous for B egos, who tend to crash out on the rocky potholes and jagged edges of actual competition. The B Ride will have a speed cap and, led by Ride Fuhrer Our Dear Leader, the NPR B Ride will have especial hop-in-wanker corridors that allow droppees to safely shuttle over to the other side of the Parkway and hop back in with the main group, until re-dropped. The B Ride #travelingpodium will be available along with free gels and an electronic signboard showing where you would have placed if you had been really going for it.

Special note: HELMETS REQUIRED ON ALL B RIDES AND IN THE SHOWER/BATHTUB.

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