Training plan

January 27, 2020 § 9 Comments

I was keeping a mileage log starting last November, but I gave it up in January because the numbers are so stupid. I’m averaging 55 miles a day.

Like I said, stupid.

When I quit driving I figured my recreational cycling would suffer because I’d be so tired from commuting everywhere. It doesn’t take more than a couple of client meetings in San Diego or Yucaipa before you start scowling at your bike.

I got crazy tired at first but then not so much. It took couple of months, and in December I reverted to my old recreational ways, that is, Donut Ride, with maybe an hour of motor pacing behind Boozy P. every now and again. In January the Flog started up, so that’s a solid 2, sometimes 3, hard rides on top of all the easy riding.

The result has been surprising. I’m riding better than I have since I was in my 20s. My endurance is sky high. Used to be, on Saturdays I suffered from a Donut coma, where I’d eat, shower, then lie immobile on the couch the rest of the day.

Now I take a quick nap and am fine. More often than not I’ll hop back on my bike to run an errand or two, and in my neighborhood an errand can easily involve 900+ feet of climbing. What matters even more from the standpoint of a delusional former masters #profamateur is that when the hammer drops on the group rides, I do okay, and more importantly, it doesn’t kill me.

A buddy was talking to me about my training, and he then sent me a link to something called polarized training, which is apparently what I do. Ride easy a bunch, and hard a little. I read the article and it really understates my polarization, both in time and intensity. A properly slow ride should be 50-60% of FTP, for 2-3 hours.

My slow ride yesterday after going full gas on Saturday’s Donut was eight hours and we covered maybe 80 miles. I don’t know my heart rate or FTP, but when I’m commuting or slow riding, I go so slow that it is literally effortless. I’ll get home and not even feel like I’ve ridden even after clocking six hours in the saddle.

Is this good for you? Does it make you faster? Is it a way to gain performance even as you age?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I spend so much time on my bike now that if I tried to ride with any vigor AT ALL on these slow rides, I’d be unable to make it through the week. And by “unable to make it through the week” I mean “unable to get out of bed.”

Here are some honest-to-goodness non-data results:

  1. I used to be able to barely hang onto the leaders during the Donut climbs, with maybe a single attack that was never taken seriously and always brought back. Typically I’d get dropped on the first climb, often as early as before the first turn. Now I can sit with the lead group, attack, and then counter. And then counter again.
  2. The Donut has four hard efforts, Domes #1, Domes #2, Hawthorne Sprunt, and Via Zumaya climb. I’ve been doing this ride since 2006 and have had a total of five days when I’ve felt good at each hard section. The last FOUR DONUTS IN A ROW I’ve felt good on every single hard section.
  3. The Donut has two traditionally neutral sections, from Western in San Pedro to Via Colinita, and the section after Hawthorne until Via Zumaya. For the last four weeks I’ve ridden each of the neutral sections full gas, in addition to having good legs on the climbs.
  4. My Flog times don’t appear to have changed much judging by who’s ahead of me, but I’m not tired the rest of the day. In fact, there is no more KDS on Thursday (Keyboard Drool Syndrome).
  5. I can ride 100-150 miles one day and motor pace, do the Donut or the Flog or another hard ride the following day and feel fine. Then follow the hard day with another big volume day … as long as it’s really slow.

None of this means much in terms of racing, obviously, because group riding ain’t racing or even close, but it’s something to feel this good and have this much endurance in the face of so much volume. Fox Training Systems insists that the modern emphasis on rest and recovery is way overblown, and that cyclists should focus on riding more, and Facebooking less.

Not sure she’s wrong.


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Donut report 1/25/20

January 25, 2020 § 2 Comments

Old friend Michael Smith is in town for a couple of days, so he came by this morning for sourdough pancakes to go along with his Donut. At the rollout I spied Kevin Salk, coming back after a long convalescence for his hip surgery; props. The best way to go fast is to go fast!

Michael stoked the fire coming out of Malaga Cove with a hard pull all the way to the top. In Lunada Bay, Fred Mackey took the reins and was then followed by in-from-Vancouver David Gerth, who then passed the torch to Evens Stievenart. Evens broke the field into pieces coming out of Lunada Bay, and a lengthy red light at Hawthorne let everyone get back together.

Bob Reichmann closed a ton of gaps to bring the chase group back. The light turned green and coming out of Terranea speedometers hit 39.3; the pace was relentless all the way to Portuguese Bend, with Evens doing virtually all of the heavy lifting. At Trump the peloton broke apart, which was itself less than half of what had started so happily a mere thirty minutes before.

Evens kept the throttle open to the bottom of the Switchbacks then swung over. I accelerated, and was caught by a group that was now down to a handful. Evens then took another huge pull, I jumped once, and the remaining riders were David, Stathis Sakellariadis, Ivan Fernandez, Evens, and Chris Tregillis. David put in a long effort, throwing everyone into disarray, until Evens returned to the fore and towed us all the way to Crest.

I jumped again, we shed David and Ivan, and then Stathis sped away with Chris in hot pursuit. Evens chased hard, me tucked onto his wheel, and when he harpooned Chris I countered and finished just behind Stathis.

On the way down from the college an angry guy in a BMW tried to run over Jon Paris, who laughingly told him to “Hit me or get out of your car.” The guy swerved wildly again, and, smiling, JP said, “I’ll take your car, your wife, your kids, and your bitch. So let’s go, piggy bottom.”

JP is a super nice guy but he is scary AF when he smiles and takes you up on your empty bs. The asshole guy, now frightened, said, “I wasn’t really going to hit you, man,” before speeding off.

On Western I hooked up with Evens, Ivan, and Bob, who passed me going full gas. Evens dragged us to the base of Colinita, and I climbed us back to PVD East. From there it was The Evens Show again all the way to Crest. I accelerated a little at the bottom but it meant nothing. Ivan attacked just before the turn but Evens brought him back, and then I slotted behind Ivan until the road started to go up again. I hit it after Ivan took a pull and stayed away until the finish.

The chase group of Stathis, David, and ?? was followed farther back by a larger group, with Satoru Rokuta and a Big O teammate towing the riders all the way up PVD East and Crest in pursuit of Group Stathis.

In Portuguese Bend, Bob punched it hard on the Hulk Smash downhill, trying to close the gap opened up by Jon Davy, who had teamed up with David Wells as they made a strong bid for glory at the Hawthorne sprint. Just before we rounded the turn at the Glass Church, Michael attacked and shed everyone but Ivan, me, and David. Jon and Wells were still pretty far ahead and looked likely to make the move stick.

David countered Michaels attack, and Ivan and I struggled to catch on. We got over the top and David was now in no-person’s-land. Ivan put in a big effort to close most of the gap, I sprinted up to David and then caught Wells and Davy just as the road tilted up for the finish.

Gassed from their long solo effort, neither Davy nor Wells sprinted, so I took the belated birthday gift and zoomed for the #fakewin. Kristie Fox was first among the tiny handful of chasers, and she collected trophies for her efforts, no mean feat on these much-ridden segments.

As in weeks past, instead of sitting up and turning the stretch to Via Zumaya into a preen, I hit out at the light along with Ivan, Wells, David, and Michael. Each rider took a crazy hard pull until we got to Zumaya; the group was in hottest of hot pursuits and we only had a hundred yards or so at the turn.

Ivan attacked hard at the bottom of the climb and dropped everyone but Stathis, David, and me, and kept it in the big ring all the way over the first wall. David then slammed it all the way to the second wall, at which point Stathis attacked and dropped Ivan/David. I followed, barely, and we all regrouped on Via Coronel. Stathis was licking his chops as we approached Via Fernandez, attacking and riding away from the three of us. I cracked first, then Ivan, then David, but with a bit of recovery I was able to catch and pass them both and almost get Stathis at the line.

Everyone else arrived as we did; broken.

Donut standings:

Stathis Sakellariadis    5
Seth Davidson 3
Leo Bugtai       2
Nigel DeSota   1
Jon Petrucci    1
Charon Smith  1
Kevin Phillips   1
Arturo Sustos 1


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Donut report 1/18/20

January 20, 2020 § 1 Comment

Back by unpopular demand …

This Donut didn’t get decorated with the #fakefisticuffs and #shoutypantsing of last week, but it was plenty exciting for all that. The ride rolled out with 40+ cyclists.

The pace out of Malaga wasn’t torrid, thanks to the absence of Jon Petrucci and thanks to Rebekah Potter not drilling and grilling from the gun. Giovanni DiOrio hit it with three other riders and they opened up a gap that held until Lunada Bay. The pace was hard enough to drop several riders, and when Evens Stievenart hit the gas coming out of Lunada Bay it was every rider for herself. Trinkets got harvested, which tells you something, as this course has been ridden more than once or twice …

We rode single file until the light, which thankfully was red. Greg Seyranian took a long pull up Terranea, and I mostly huddled at the back, where the field was greatly reduced.

Coming into Portuguese Bend, Attila Fruttus and I bumped handlebars for no apparent reason; I apologized and all was good. Out of Portuguese Bend things started to get a little bunchy until Attila launched just before Trump. That’s when Jon Davy rolled to the front and set the watt meter at “HARD” and steadily reeled him back, just in time for the bottom of the Switchbacks.

I jumped and a lead group formed. Several flurries later I was alone with Matt Noble of Methods to Winning, the team’s lone mountain biker, and man, can that guy hammer. He pounded me off his wheel and I sat up, eventually getting swept up by the chase group that included Kevin Phillips, Stathis Sakellariadis, and Evens Stievenart.

There was more attacking on Crest and I made a bid after the flat spot but got handily caught past the final turn by Kevin and Matt, who sprinted each other for the $15 Hi-Fi Espresso gift card, with Kevin taking the point.

There was confusion on the regroup, as Stathis rolled away by himself, later followed by a smaller group of four or five riders, and then the main group much later. I sat on Evens’s wheel until Via Colinita and then rode the rest of the way to the Domes, but Stathis had been there for a long time. Seems like the fireworks should wait at least until the bottom of Western, and other riders have a chance to regroup … no point was awarded by the commissaires for Domes #2.

For the Glass Church-Hawthorne sprint, Charon Smith led out his teammate Arturo after Davy made a huge effort to get them to the line; Arturo got the point and the coffee card.

Even though I’d gone early and been caught, I jumped as soon as the light at Hawthorne turned green; Charon and I motored for a while, then at Zumaya, Stathis caught on. He sat, attacked on the second wall, then dropped me past Fernandez; everyone else trickled in, in ones and twos.

Donut standings:

Stathis Sakellariadis    3
Leo Bugtai       2
Nigel DeSota   1
Jon Petrucci    1
Seth Davidson 1
Charon Smith  1
Kevin Phillips   1
Arturo Sustos 1


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Donut report 1/4/20

January 4, 2020 § 3 Comments

First Donut of the year? Total fuggin’ beatdown. Huge group of fifty knuckleheads. The festivities started off at Hi-Fi Espresso in the Redondo Riviera, where we had some excellent coffee and pre-ride b.s. chatter. Hopefully this will become the new launching pad for the Donut Ride; it’s way better than the Sckubrats down the street.

Point leaders:

Wily Greek: 2 points, Domes #1 and Zumaya Crown

Leo Bugtai: 1 point, Domes #2

Nigel DeSota: 1 point, Hawthorne Sprunt

Many of the South Bay’s softest pillow babies have been catching up on their beauty sleep and staying safely tucked into their beds at o’dark-thirty, with the skies sprinkling cats and dogs at least three times in December and temperatures dipping into the high 40s: certified leg-warmer temperatures. But some hardpeople know that both of the Southern California road races are fast approaching—Santa Barbara on January 25 and UCLA on February 22.

So while some are trying to figure out how to get rid of their extra egg nog, others are sharpening their table saws for the scarce chance to race up a hill for more than one minute. In the South Bay that means January Donuts have a few extra SHUs on the Scoville scale of spiciness. Today was no exception.

The cannonade started right out of Malaga Cove, with Nigel DeSota, fresh off having signed his first pro contract with Team Novo Nordisk, and Wes Morgan pairing up to drill it at 500 watts of welcome. Gio and a handful of wishful thinkers held onto wheels, with Strava Junior slowly pulling the ebullient bastards back with a Zone 4.628 lactic acid party in tow. By the top, the picturesque PV Cove view was the last thing on anyone’s mind, with the group of fifty blown apart only seven minutes after rolling out from Riviera Village.

There was minimal regrouping as Jon “Six” Petrucci closed the gap, seeming to enjoy his shiny new fitness along with Leo Bugtai. Davy Dawg, Ivan the Terrible, and the EA Sports, Inc. latched on and pulled through to keep the pace hot down Paseo Del Mar and out of Lunada Bay. Strava Junior and Six pressed to get away up the Pacheco Bump and along the PV West rollers to Hawthorne, with Leo, Wes, and Nigel keeping the pace vicious.

A healthy red light at Hawthorne allowed the twenty-five survivors a regroup. Sure enough, once the light turned green, Fred “Seizure Suit” Mackey teamed up with Strava Junior to remind everyone what it means to be part of the Fight Club at the front, with Mackey driving the duo to put a healthy gap into the group around Point Vicente, towards Terranea. 

But Six hasn’t been training for nothing, and he flexed and showed what he’s built over the past year under the tutelage of the Wily Greek: explosive attacking power with the aerobic fitness to sustain it. He bridged with Ivan, Gio, and Pornstache glued to his wheel. But the dwindling group of chasers had no intention of allowing much leash. The run-up to the Switchbacks featured a huge effort by EA Sports, Inc., who splintered the field from Trump to the base of the climb. The elastic seemed to snap on the pre-climb rise at Trump, with Strava Junior spring-boarding Six and Pornstache, to a 16-second gap to start the climb.   

As the group turned left onto the Switchbacks, numerous parachutes were pulled and the group took a breather through Turn 1, with everyone licking wounds, while Six and Pornstache held their gap. Leo lit the dynamite up the Switchbacks through the first two turns.I was second wheel, bad-bad-bad, and drifted to the back of a group featuring the now-dwindled group of Ivan, Nigel, Leo, Wanky, Fukdude, Wily Greek, and Hector, and we brought it all back together at Turn 4. Six and Wily held a small gap as the leaders approached the college, making the turn onto Crest to start the final assault to the Domes.

On Crest things got ugly, with Wily bridging to and shedding Six as I hauled the tattered remnants up around the bend to the flat spot. Six caught his breath, countered, and bridged to Wily, leaving the rest of us #sadface. On the flat spot Leo dashed away with Fukdude as I became a smear in the road. Pornstache overhauled me before the final turn. There was someone else up ahead but I’ve forgotten who. Bottom line? Wily drew first flood in the Donut leg of the Unified Title 2020, riding away with a $15 coffee card from Hi-Fi Espresso.

In San Pedro what had started ugly got a lot uglier. Andy Angle, who had been victimized by his pillow and missed the start, joined the group. It’s always bad news when he shows up, and today was no exception.

We got to 9th Street and Davy Dawg twisted the pedals all the way to Via Colinita so hard that there were only a few shards of melted flesh and bone remaining when the road got steeper. There was a big rush and the survivors battled up Via Colinita with EA Sports, Inc. harpooning the wannabes on the first part of the climb before detonating. (Note to People Who Want to Get Fit by Fucking Off: EA Sports, Inc., did an hour of motor pacing yesterday.)

Leo, I, Andy, Guido, and Wily were all that remained back on PVDE. Andy shelled everyone on Crest easily, and Chef Gio, who had somehow wound up in front of us, provided a huge pull for much of the climb. At the end, Leo and Wily duked it out for the Hi-Fie coffee card, even though Andy outdistanced all. Andy suffered the ignominy of a PBD (pillow baby disqualification), as he’d missed the first climb and was therefore out of contention for the remaining points, thank dog.

The Hawthorne Sprunt was complicated by a bitter headwind that left a relatively large group to contest for the non-existent top step of the non-existent podium. I struck out early at the Glass Church but did nothing aside from drag a bunch of very fast people over the bump. Nigel DeSota left everyone in the shade to claim his coffee card, but not before a select group of dreamers including Dawg, EA Sports, Inc., Ivan, Guido, Anthony Freeman, Wes Morgan, and Pornstache ratcheted it up to light speed for the finish.

Rather than sit up and preen after Hawthorne, the gauntlet was again thrown down and the sprinters kept it full throttle all the way to Zumaya. Everyone who’d not been around to contest the sprunt was distanced and forced to chase hard, many to no avail. I was easily caught on Zumaya by Andy, then dropped by Wily, then dropped by the Hun, then dropped by Ivan, until I settled in with Casey at the Bat and Bearded Dude.

I tried to come by Casey but he wouldn’t have it and was content to set tempo, chasing Ivan to no avail, before riding me off his wheel. Andy claimed the win but again, PBD, and Wily claimed the Hi-Fi Espresso coffee card.

Crazy good riding by Turbo Tom Duong, who stayed with the front group on every key section of the ride. Fukker better not start beating me. Cameo appearance by Grams Tregillis, who hit out early on the Donut and didn’t get caught until Trump. When Chris is back on form, folks, look out. Also, Hun Watch 2020: Attila actually got faster as the ride progressed, which is a big bummer. One more Donut and he’ll be eating raw skulls. Ditto for Pornstache, who has gone on a sex diet in order to improve his riding. Seems to be working.

Denis “The Wanker” Faye closed a huge gap after Trump, bridging to EA Sports, Inc., and allowing a large portion of the group to reach the bottom of the climb together. Christian Quant showed up with a mega-beard; hopefully his legs will soon follow. Big thanks to Baby Seal, who in addition to turning in an impressive non-ride, did yeoman service delivering badly needed tubes and CO2 not.

Great news for people who want to fuck off, ride easy, pose, and post up on Facegag and the Gram–there are a lot of rides in the South Bay where you can do all that #fakery and more, but apparently in 2020 the Donut isn’t one of them.


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Young gun, old rusty knife.

Donut report 12/28/19

December 28, 2019 Comments Off on Donut report 12/28/19

This was a cold, crusty donut. I had on my full wool gloves, Ugg socks, wool cap, tights, wool jersey, and jacket.

There were a surprising number of people despite the cold start; I’d guess it was in the low 40’s, but it was sunny and that always brings people out. We merged with the Origin club riders who now roll out from Hi-Fi Espresso in Redondo Beach. It’s a new coffee shop, and although I haven’t been there yet, it has to be a welcome alternative to the nearby Starbucks, especially since they are sponsoring the Origin bicycle club.

The uphill exit out of Malaga Cove was uneventful until we crested the hill, and where things are usually easy Jon Petrucci ramped it up and shed all but three riders. It was harder hanging onto his wheel on the gentle downhill and tiny bump than it had been going up the long grade.

The peloton got back together past Pregnant Point, but lots had to chase back on and were, shall we say, winded. As usual, the PVE cops weren’t there as they have mostly quit and there is no one left to harass, intimidate, ticket, and generally fuck with all the scofflaw bikers.

Petrucci attacked again out of Lunada Bay and I made the mistake of trying to follow. He dropped me easily and I never saw him again.

Out of Lunada Bay, “Coat of Arms” Fred Mackey smashed it all the way to Hawthorne; after that there was a hard surge by Davy Dawg and followed by an even harder surge by EA Sports, Inc. Lots of people had gotten dropped by that point and the group probably had 30 riders or less.

Queuing up for the Switchbacks I watched the Wily Greek roll towards the front, followed by club mate Ram-Ram, with Coat of Arms again pulling the train. There were a lot of explosions at Trump golf course and when we hit the Switchbacks, Attila the Hun launched and was gone. He isn’t very fit right now, but even when he is on the low side of the power curve he is strong AF. I know he’s not very fit because when he climbs I can still see him, far, far ahead.

Wily attacked, I followed but weaseled and wouldn’t pull through, so Wily sat up and we came back. Scott Fleming took the reins and drilled it to the first turn, where I jumped and rode by myself for a ways until the first chase caught up. That’s when Wily countered and I grabbed on. He went crazy hard and dropped me, then caught up to Attila who had somehow hooked up with a guy from NorCal, Jay Evans, who was visiting for the holiday. He was visiting with his meat cleaver.

Jay was strong AF and with those three up the road I was in no-man’s-land, with Ivan Fernandez not far behind. I got to the left-hander at Crest and kept going pretty well but wasn’t catching anyone. Petrucci was nowhere in sight; I figured he was so far ahead he’d won the #fakeclimb and was celebrating with some well-earned celery.

I watched Wily dust off Attila, then dust off Jay, but at the top there was no Petrucci. Turns out he’d had to go home early for his son’s birthday. He’s a young guy but he will learn that you never sacrifice family obligations for a Donut. Birthdays come and go, but Donut glory does not.

Coming up 9th Street in San Pedro, Dawg dropped everyone but Attila and me, and Attila took over onVia Colinita. It was all I could do to hang on. Back on PVDE I pulled to the bottom of Crest; Wily, Dear Leader, and Jay had bridged.

The Hun attacked hard but we stayed together until well after the first big curve. Dear Leader attacked but it went nowhere, then Wily countered even harder, and Dear Leader sat the wheel. I kept going, got a gap, and then Wily dumped Dear Leader and bridged.

Wily took over and dragged me all the way up to Shirtless Keith, who was happily pedaling in the freezing weather, with no shirt, of fucking course. When he saw us on his wheel he went beastly hard, which gave me just enough momentum to skirt past Wily and get my first Domes #fakewin in a couple of years. Dear Leader was breathing down our necks; he was going good even though he’d skipped the first climb up to Domes, or because of it.

In the run-up to the Glass Church, Ponderous Dee throttled it so hard that a bunch of people were never able to reattach. At the launching pad I kicked it and didn’t get caught until the first bump after Terranea, where Wes Morgan hunted me down. I countered but Dear Leader and Dawg had come across, and they both booted me to the side like the carcass I was. Dawg for the #fakespruntvee.

We hit the light green at Hawthorne and I stayed on the gas all the way to Zumaya. We passed a trio of Big O riders, including Kevin Sock, who was riding with his big brother from Davis. Big Bro hopped in with us and I kept the pace going up Zumaya. Big Bro took a hard pull and dropped everyone, but I hung on, barely.

On Via Coronel, Wily and Dear Leader had come across and attacked. As soon as Big Bro introduced himself as Kevin’s sibling, Dear Leader jumped and I grabbed his wheel. He hammered from Via Fernandez all the way to the top, catching Wily, sprinting around him, and riding me off his wheel. It was a fancy piece of bicycling.

I don’t know how many people were behind us. I turned right and went home.


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Donut report 12/21/19

December 21, 2019 § 2 Comments

Today’s Donut was convincingly crushed by Andy Angel, the pretty nice guy who isn’t very nice when he starts pedaling hard.

Tokyo Olympian Gavin Hoover was along for the ride and kept the pace murderous coming out of Lunada Bay after an early rocket launch by Ramon Ramos.

Team-or-is-it-a-Club Origin started the ride beneath a segregated tent in front of new sponsor Hi-Fi Espresso, and quickly doubled the size of the peloton with their 72-person team-or-are-they-club riders, none of whom made it out of Lunada Bay except for Stathis the Wily Greek, Ivan Fernandez, Foxy, Ramon, and Jon Petrucci.

Major smashing by Jon Davy, Jared the Kid, and Andy en route to the Switchbacks left the group quivering for the first ascent. Gavin stoked the fire with a huge effort followed by The Force, who shelled another half dozen or so riders.

Petrucci then launched and I latched on like a suckerfish, with Wily, Jared, and Andy along for the festivities. Andy took the reins after the second turn and extended the gap back to the shrapnel.

After taking a brief rest, Andy attacked again, shelling me and Jared, and speeding away, with Petrucci and Wily hanging on for dear life. Jon got dropped, we caught him, and then he ditched us again with another 700w effort going up to the Domes, turning in an incredible chase to bridge the gap up to Wily and Andy.

Now it was 2-against-1, but when Petrucci bridged, Wily inexplicably slung him forward, not giving him time to rest from his herculean effort. Andy followed, took a deep breath, and then attacked the two teammates-or-are-they-clubmates, neither of whom could respond as Andy claimed the first climb of the day. Jared sprinted around me at the end after pulling me most of the way up to the Domes.

I was able to do a little dance as I’d beaten The Force, Pornstache Brousseau, and Alx Bns on a climb for the first time ever, proving that my regimen of all drugs all the time was working.

After going through Pedro, Pornstache throttled it coming up 9th Street, dropping a bunch of people as we hit Via Colinita. Gavin then did the rest, kicking me out the back, where I was able to hitch up with the ageless JP Jones, who dragged me back to PV Drive, where I clung onto The Force’s wheel. JP took us to Crest and The Force dropped him.

I stayed on The Force’s wheel and planned to sprint around her at the end, but just as I got ready to sprunt, she jumped and left me wondering who turned out the lights. Andy again slew Stathis for the second climb of the day.

Through Portuguese Bend there was a flurry of accelerations. The dude whose name I don’t know hit it hard on the Glass Church. I jumped and after a bit he counter-jumped. I struggled onto his wheel, and before the top of the second bump I counter-counter-jumped, shaking free with only Ivan and Petrucci in tow.

Petrucci took us at Mach 4 all the way to the bottom of the bump past Terranea then I repaid his selflessness with a hard kick, then Ivan blew by for the first and only Origin-Team-or-is-it-a-Club victory of the day. Pornstache then raced to Via Zumaya, where we picked up Troy Emmanuelson, who decided that instead of riding around the hill, he would race up the last Donut climb.

Troy, who has never climbed a hill in his life faster than you’d go up on a unicycle, roared up Zumaya and was only caught when Dandy, The Force, Scott Fleming, and JP Jones worked a four-man TT to catch him. Once caught he simply went to the front and pulled like a monster until he blew shortly before the top.

Troy attributed his new-found climbing prowess to retirement, living at the top of a hill, and getting “lots of sleep.” I live at the top of a hill and get lots of sleep, too, but couldn’t keep him in sight. Must be the retirement.

Not sure who took the final climb, but I’m guessing Andy.

Over and out.


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Donut Report 12/14/2019

December 15, 2019 § 14 Comments

It was a medium-sized group, maybe 30 riders. The three big hitters were Nigel Desota, the Wily Greek, and The Force. Baby Seal was in the saddle for his first ride back since his Colombian coke training trip, with more than a billion feet of climbing for every mile, plus a max heart rate of 220 each time he was beaten with a steel pipe as thugs tried to bikenap his steed.

It was brisk but not leg-breaking out of Malaga Cove, with Ben Lauer doing the heavy lifting.

Past Pregnant Point we were #blessed to have the PVE cops on strike, as they’ve lost 3/4 of the force due to CRAS, Chronic Resident Asshole Syndrome, a condition that causes public employees to quit en masse rather than put up with rich crazy people.

Coat-of-Arms Mackey, fresh off his design success of the two new Origin Seizure Suits, attacked early with Baby Seal but they were brought back. I pedaled hard out of Lunada Bay but was brought back.

At the Hawthorne light, Coat-of-Arms went again, this time followed by Ponderous D., who pedaled bravely until just past the toilets where the road began to ever so slightly go upwards. I pedaled hard some more but was brought back at the top of the Terranea rollers a/k/a Glass Church in Reverse.

Baby Seal punched it again and sprang free, and there was a hard chase up by the PB Beach Club. I was stuck on Fukdude’s wheel, with Nigel and Charon the Beautiful behind me. Ramon was perfectly positioned for #best #IG videography.

We got to the bottom of the Switchbacks, where Baby Seal was tossed into the wood chipper as The Force moved to the front. There were about 15 riders at that point and when The Force swung over she had whittled it down to about 8. I was hanging on by a meat thread.

Fukdude set it at threshold and rode all the way to the college, by which time there was only Nigel, The Force and (barely) me. The Wily Greek had attacked at the bottom and was up the road.

At the bottom of Crest, Nigel left us as if he’d just woken up from a nap and easily caught the Greek. The Force pedaled some and dropped Fukdude, who pedaled some and dropped me. At the top, Nigel out-duked the Greek for the #fakewin, with The Force coming in third. Folks, that is a second-year rider just seconds behind a neo-pro (Nigel) and a former Cat 1/best climber on the Hill (Wily).

The Force has upgraded her cement bike with forty radio antenna cables sticking out of the handlebars to a carbon thing that is feather light.

Davy Dawg settled into his power band coming up 9th Street in Pedro and dropped a bunch of people. On Via Colinita, hop-in-wanker Tony Wang(ker) unleashed a surprise 200 yard attack, which pissed off Charon the Beautiful, who chased him down and yelled at him.

Say what you want about The Beautiful, but he’s a respectful rider and doesn’t jump people who are riding tempo. The group fell into shards atop Via Colinita, reduced to Nigel, The Force, Baby Seal, The Beautiful, Wily, Koji, and me.

I got dropped, then Koji got dropped.

On Crest I picked it up, re-passed Koji, but couldn’t reel in The Beautiful. It cracks me up when people say he’s “just a sprinter” because he climbs like crazy when he’s going well. As The Beautiful likes to say, “I’m always better the second time.”

I think he’s talking about cycling.

The Force was with Baby Seal until she got tired of him, and then she was like, “Oh, you’re still here? Bye.” And back he went into the wood chipper, with Nigel and Wily slugging it out for the #fakewin.

Not that I was keeping score, but that’s the only time a woman has gotten third both times up to the Domes on a feisty Donut. But The Force wasn’t finished.

There was a big regroup, and Nigel and The Beautiful ripped it through Portuguese Bend. Wily went home or somewhere, and as we rounded the corner for the Glass Church, Ponderous D. went to the front to open up his own special can of Whup-Ass.

Unfortunately he couldn’t get the lid off, and somehow I found myself pedaling harder and then I was alone, which I don’t like, but which didn’t last long because Nigel came blasting by and I barely attached as we crested the top.

Dawg had been dragged across by The Beautiful, and then they all dropped me on the run-in to the #fakesprint, but it didn’t matter because the next closest rider was still back in Long Beach. Dawg and The Beautiful gave Nigel the world’s fastest leadout. “You’re now one of three people in SoCal who has ever passed The Beautiful in a sprint,” I told him.

We got to Zumaya and The Force dropped everyone and got to the top first. Pretty sure that’s the strongest Donut of any woman ever.

I went home and slept all day, Donut coma for sure.


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