UCI discovers honest pro cyclist

February 1, 2016 § 28 Comments

This weekend the cycling world was stunned to learn that what for years was simply a rumor, is in fact true. According to an investigation launched by the UCI, there is now proof of mechanical doping in the pro peloton. However, the UCI revealed an even more stunning discovery just a few hours later.

After three years of intensive investigation that spanned six continents and involved background checks of thousands of riders, “We have found an unimpeachably honest pro cyclist,” announced president Brian Cookson.

The rider, Stanley Olive, was found living in a small apartment in Ghent. Olive rides for the Continental IV mostly-professional-except-Mondays-through-Fridays-level team of Sam’s Pantry Meats and Lawn Furniture. “He’s really honest,” enthused Cookson, “and has never been known by anyone to lie, cheat, OR steal. He’s a real find.”

Olive, who was raised in East Framington, has lived in Belgium for twelve years pursuing his dream of racing professionally full time. “I’ve done a bit of everything,” said Olive when contacted by CitSB, “except drugs, mechanical doping, trading victories for cash payoff agreements, fixing local crits with the combine, cutting the course when the commissars aren’t watching, using illegal equipment, hanging onto team cars, and lying about my whereabouts to the doping authorities.”

When asked how that was working out for him, Olive replied, “It’s been rough.”

END

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Rule of Holes: When you’re in one, stop digging (Bobby Lea, Part 2)

December 21, 2015 § 48 Comments

I swore I wouldn’t waste any more of my already limited brain cells on this drug cheat, and specifically ignored the butt-licking, fawning interview that Bicycling Magazine did with Bobby Lea after he tested positive for Percocet.

But people kept asking me if I’d seen it and eventually I caved. It made me so angry, not because Bobby changed his story in less than 24 hours (that’s what lying liars who lie do), but that so many toe-licking, jock-sniffing, earwax-collecting “fans” swallow the whole wad of smelly pus and cat hair without so much as a hiccough.

It’s okay to be willfully stupid; that is why we have Donald Trump. It’s okay to believe in fairy tales; that’s why we have Islam, Christianity, and homeopathic medicine.

But it’s not okay to ruin the party for everyone else by crapping in the punch bowl after you’ve drunk your fill.

So here are just a few of the salient absurdities from Bobby Lea’s non-tearful non-confession, and my comments after.

Interviewer: You said in your letter that you took Percocet the night before track nationals when you ran out of your normal sleep aid, and that you have a prescription. What was that prescription for originally, and had you used Percocet previously?

Cheater Lea: I got the prescription for Percocet for two reasons. It was primarily for pain management in the event of a crash. I got it right before a trip to Japan and Taiwan in 2014. I knew that if I crashed over there, I could take it and make it home to the hospital and to doctors that I trust. And the second reason was as a sleep aid. Sometimes that’s the most comfortable thing in coach and I’ve used it on occasion to sleep on those transatlantic flights.

CitSB Comment: Note that in his original “apology” letter, Lea says that the Percocet was prescribed ” … to help me manage pain and sleep while traveling for competition, especially in the event of a crash.” Now, a day later, it is primarily for pain management in the event of a crash. This is significant because, as I pointed out earlier, drowsiness is an adverse reaction to Percocet that is on the label. No physician prescribes a drug so that the patient can “benefit” from the drug’s adverse reaction. In Bobby’s case, the story is absurd because if you have difficulty sleeping, we have a class of drugs that help you sleep. They are cleverly called “sleeping pills.”

This leads to a problem with Lea’s new explanation, and the problem is this: Now that he’s admitted to using the drug, he has to answer the question of what he got the drug for, which in turn raises the question of how doctors prescribe Percocet in the first place.

Percocet is a classified by the DEA as a Schedule II Controlled Substance. This means that it may not be prescribed without a “legitimate medical purpose.” Doctors who do so are subject to criminal penalties, and the DEA has, in recent years, aggressively pursued and shut down pill mills that gin out fake prescriptions for Percocet addicts.

Getting a legal prescription for Percocet isn’t easy, in part because doctors have become wary of patients who fake complaints in order to get their drug habit filled. Simply telling the doctor that your back hurts or that you have a burning sensation when you pee, or showing up at the ER at 3:00 AM with a bit of road rash won’t crack the safe.

So what was Lea’s legitimate medical purpose for taking Percocet? He started off in his apology letter explaining the existence of the prescription to help him sleep, but that’s not a legitimate medical purpose for Percocet and the burden is on Lea to now prove that that is in fact why it was prescribed. He could produce his medical records and reveal the name of the treating M.D., but he hasn’t. Why not? Well, first off it might show that the M.D. was committing a felony by prescribing Percocet for something that wasn’t a legitimate medical purpose.

Another possible reason he doesn’t trot out the prescription is that he has no prescription; perhaps he bought the drugs illegally. Another possible reason is that his medical records might reveal that he obtained the prescription by lying to his physician about the “legitimate medical purpose” for which he got the prescription. It’s hard to imagine an ethical doctor prescribing Percocet for future injuries. Doctors don’t typically write prescriptions for things that might happen to you, and even if they did they wouldn’t prescribe Percocet.

Doctors can write multiple prescriptions for Percocet that you can fill sequentially, but they typically only do this if you have an existing injury or chronic painful condition. The notion that Lea’s M.D. is dispensing Percocet so Bobby can cope with the horrors of “transatlantic flights in coach” is silly. It also raises the question of whether he’s ever looked at a map. What transatlantic flight from Pennsylvania gets you to Japan and Taiwan?

Lea’s explanation is even shoddier the more closely you examine it. He claims that he got the prescription in case he got hurt in Japan or Taiwan, conjuring up images of witch doctors hacking off limbs with tree saws while the patient grimaces in pain–as if those two countries don’t have access to Percocet and every other synthetic narcotic in the advanced world’s pharmacopeia. Japan and Taiwan have world class medical care and world class pharma. Bobby wants us to believe they don’t know how to treat road rash and a broken collarbone?

So now Lea is in a bind. The prescription of Percocet as a sleeping pill potentially violates federal law because it’s not a legitimate medical purpose. Nor does the prophylactic prescription fly because doctors don’t give you drugs for “potential” injuries, and because the places he claimed he wouldn’t have access to treatment provide world class, first world healthcare.

These things all point to a person who doped, which means that in the Bicycling interview he does what habitual liars do: He changes his story. The Percocet was now primarily in case he crashed, but also for those transatlantic flights. But this doesn’t help the aforementioned problems–Percocet still isn’t indicated for sleeping–and it creates another: If he only uses it “on occasion to sleep on those transatlantic flights,” why is he popping it the night before a race in Carson, California?

Answer: It’s less likely that he popped it the night before a race in Carson so he could sleep, and likelier that he popped it a couple of hours before the race for its performance enhancing effects, as cyclists have been doing with narcotics for more than a hundred years.

Interviewer: You wrote that the night you took it you didn’t do what you’ve done so many times before: check to see if a medication is on the banned list. I’m sure you’ve run the scenario again a million times. Why didn’t you?

Lea: You’re right, I’ve thought about that so many times. There’s a couple of things [pause]. Although I can’t recall in my memory typing in the drug to check it, I really, really have trouble believing that I never would’ve done that. So I have to, although I can’t remember doing it, I have to believe that I had done that because I just don’t think that I would’ve been so careless taking a real-deal drug like that so recklessly. The second part is that the way I’d seen it used, from people that I trust, there were no red flags to me. There was nothing I’d seen that was showing me that using it in the manner that I did was problematic [from a doping standpoint]. It’s a commonly used painkiller in cycling, especially for crashes. I know people have used it as a sleep aid on flights. To me, the thought of using it to ride a bike faster is ludicrous, it helps to sleep, so that part never really crossed my mind.

CitSB: Now Bobby has had a few hours to reflect on the absurdity of his initial claim that an experienced pro would have never checked to see if the prescription narcotics that he had been taking on long flights since 2014 was on the WADA list of prohibited substances. Keep in mind this is a guy who’s taking Percocet in order to sleep en route to competing in bike races where he will be tested for banned drugs. And on none of those occasions it occurred to him to check the drug’s status?

It’s not remotely credible, especially when bookended by his admission that he’s checked other prescriptions hundreds of times, and especially when the prescription was from 2014, and especially since he admits that he uses it occasionally. So he does what liars do: He changes the story.

In the Bicycling interview he now claims that even though he doesn’t remember checking, he must have checked. He never would have not checked. But compare that with the certitude of his apology letter, which must have been proofed by his agent, his lawyer, and of course numerous times by Bobby himself: “Because it was late at night, and I was trying to sleep, I failed to check my prescribed medication against the prohibited list … ” There’s no gray area: He knows he didn’t check, and there’s nothing to indicate that he had checked before and learned it was banned.

Unfortunately, the new tale concocted for Bicycling’s gullible readers, that he must have checked he just doesn’t remember doing it, creates more problems. And here’s the biggie: If he did check in the past and forgot about having checked, why did he still take the Percocet? If the answer you’re expecting is, “I forgot Percocet was banned in competition,” you’ll be disappointed.

He never says this in the interview; rather, he leaves that to the reader to infer. Why?

Because once he admits that he checked, and then admits that he saw it was banned but took it anyway, he’s got an intentional cheating violation and a four-year ban. It’s sad to see the way he fumbles his way into the non-explanation. After claiming to have checked “I have to believe that I had done that,” he wanders off into a non-sequitur that wouldn’t even be believable in church: “There was nothing I’d seen that was showing me that using it in the manner that I did was problematic [from a doping standpoint]. It’s a commonly used painkiller in cycling, especially for crashes. I know people have used it as a sleep aid on flights.”

The issue of course isn’t whether he’s seen other people doping, or whether he thinks it’s problematic, or whether it’s commonly used for crashes (it’s not), or whether he knows a cousin who knows an aunt who has a friend who uses it to sleep on flights.

The issue is whether he checked–he now claims he did–and why, after checking and seeing that it’s banned, he intentionally ingested it before a big race. At some point you wonder why his agent, who was listening on the phone, didn’t jump in and tell him to shut up, because he then adds the worst thing of all: “To me, the thought of using it to ride a bike faster is ludicrous, it helps to sleep, so that part never really crossed my mind.”

Of all the lies, this is the one that can be fact checked with laser precision: Percocet does help you ride a bike faster and that is not ludicrous, it is a physiological, medical fact tied to the drug’s ability to deaden pain. What’s ludicrous is that a 2-time Olympian either didn’t know that his prescription narcotics were banned (Gambit #1), or that he knew they were banned but didn’t know they were performance enhancing (Gambit #2).

And then, to continue in this nitpicky vein, doesn’t this line jump out at you in all caps? “IT’S A COMMONLY USED PAINKILLER IN CYCLING … ” Well shit, Bobby, yes, it is, and that is exactly what you’re being busted for since even you don’t claim to have flown a transatlantic flight from your girlfriend’s place in Santa Monica to the Carson velodrome just down the 405.

So if you’re USADA, what do you believe? That Percocet, which is not a sleeping pill, is used for sleeping, or that Percocet, which reduces pain and enhances performance, is used by an elite athlete before a big race to reduce pain and enhance performance? (Oh, minor detail: He won the race. Lucky fellow.)

The rest of the interview is unremarkable as it continues in this vein of not-even-barely-credible excusifying, with one exception. In his apology letter he says he supports clean sport, then in the interview gives a long explanation about why he has chosen to fight his case all the way to CAS. It would have been interesting to hear the Bicycling fan-with-a-typewriter ask Bobby how it is that a U.S. track racer can fund the $500/hour legal fees for his appeal, but hey, journalism requires, you know, work.

It would have also been nice to see someone call this clown out simply because his appeal will cost USADA a ton of money, money that they now get to spend chasing a doper instead of funding additional tests at additional races to keep dopers like him on the back foot.

I guess with supporters of clean sport like Bobby Lea, who needs enemies?

END

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“Perky” Lea

December 18, 2015 § 37 Comments

Bobby “Perky” Lea tested positive for metabolites of oxycodone shortly after winning the national points race championship and his sanction was announced today by USADA. The best part of the sanction press release is the generic language that specifically talks about how USADA works with athletes to keep them from doing exactly what Lea claims to have done, i.e. used a drug without checking to see if it’s prohibited.

Below are his two exculpatory messages, with annotations in italics by Cycling in the South Bay to assist readers unfamiliar with the self-serving language used by drug cheats. The first message is an email that “Perky” sent out a few hours before the anti-doping violation and suspension were announced by USADA. The second is a contritely defiant letter posted on his web site.

Dear Friends and Family,

I am writing to you tonight because I have some very important and time sensitive news I have to share with you. And I need to share this with you tonight because it will be public in the next 48 hours and I want you to get this from me directly.

Uh-fucking-oh.

And I also need to apologize for hiding this from you for so long.

Otherwise known as lying.

Over the last few months I’ve had more than a few conversations with many of you and I have had to either dodge questions or just outright lie about by (sic) coming plans.

I have been lying for a long time because I’m a liar who lies.

For that I’m sorry.

But, as you’ll find out if you keep reading, I’m really only sorry because I got caught, I plan to appeal, and if you are a careful reader you’ll see that I never admit to being a cheater. More of a mistake-prone fellow, and I’m sorry for that.

At first it killed me, and then either I started to believe my own story or it just came to (sic) easily, which was also scary.

I am so pathological that I believe my own lies. I’m a habitual liar; so much so that my lies come to me “easily.” This isn’t morally reprehensible or indicative of profound pathology. It is just “scary.”

And not (sic) it’s been eating me up again.

We call this a Freudian slip, Bobby. Soooo revealing considering the number of times you must have proofread this missive.

So on one hand it’s nice to finally be able to put this out there so I can be open and honest but on the other hand I hate to have to say it at all.

It’s nice to be able to come clean 48 hours before USADA issues a press release that will be distributed worldwide. Honesty is nice for a change. Kind of like a different pair of shoes. You wear the liar shoes for a few years, they get a bit scuffed, and then you put on the truthy shoes, at least until the CAS hearing.

So without further ado, here it is.

Pull on the fuggin’ hip waders.

Thanks for reading.

Suckers.

What follows is from “Perky” Lea’s web site. Enjoy. The annotations are mine.

Cycling has been a part of my family, and who I am, for my whole life.

So this is the most amazing and profound betrayal that can be imagined as I shaft everyone at once.

I can say from the bottom of my heart that I love this sport.

So much that I cheat at it.

I would never intentionally do anything to harm the sport or intentionally jeopardize my own ability to compete.

Despite being a habitual liar, dodging, dissembling, and outright lying, I would never lie.

On the night of August 7th, in a state of post-race exhaustion and having run out of my normal sleep aid, I made the poor choice to take my prescription Percocet hoping it would help me rest.

Everyone takes Percocet when they are tired, especially when they are out of their normal sleep aid. You’re probably wondering what my normal sleep aid is. It’s green tea, that’s what. Percocet though is a narcotic, and it is as addicting as heroin. Narcotics are the most widely abused prescription drug in America and because they have gotten harder to obtain they have driven addicts to heroin. In other words, it is something that everyone takes after a race when they are tired. Some of you may have read this article that says opiates are a sleep inhibitor that disrupt sleep architecture but that is bulldonkeys. Shit will knock you OUT. I would never have taken the Percocet in order to numb the pain so that I could win the points race. That would be crazy, for sure. Instead, I took a sleep inhibitor so I could sleep before the big race.

This medication had been prescribed by a doctor to help me manage pain and sleep while traveling for competition, especially in the event of a crash.

It is a known fact that doctors give you prescriptions for Percocet, a DEA Class II drug, not for actual pain, but “just in case” you crash and to help you sleep even though it’s a sleep inhibitor. Just walk into your doctor’s office, explain that you have sleeping problems and are often tired as a bike racer, plus that you might crash, and they will prescribe Percocet for you. Sure, it’s addicting and disrupts sleep architecture, but who’s an architect? I ain’t building shit, I’m racing bikes. And even if you don’t crash, it’s okay to take it when you are tired. I would be happy to show you the prescription and give you the name of the doctor but I forgot it and the dog ate it plus I think I got it in Bangkok. Narcotics, i.e. morphine, methadone, and oxycodone have never been used in cycling to mask pain from injury or discomfort from illness and I have no idea what “pot Belge” is. Narcotics would never raise an athlete’s pain threshold so they can continue competing through the pain. Because that would be cheating and cheating would be a betrayal of everything, especially all the things that I have betrayed.

Because it was late at night, and I was trying to sleep, I failed to check my prescribed medication against the prohibited list, an action I have correctly executed hundreds of times over the years.

I had the prescription from my doctor and never checked it against the prohibited list. Even though I carried it around for sleeping and pre-crash pain and post-race exhaustion, it never occurred to me to check whether a powerful narcotic that comes with a long list of side effects and warnings might possibly be prohibited. After all, lots of other narcotics are not prohibited like heroin, opium, and stuff. I think. Are they? Anyway, I was tired and it was late at night. When it’s late I just take stuff. If you were a pro you would understand. Plus, I have checked my drugs hundreds of times over the years. Now this doesn’t mean I’ve taken hundreds of prescription drugs, it means I have checked prescription drugs hundreds of times. I’ve actually only taken some aspirin once. And Alleve. But I’ve checked those two drugs hundreds of times because rules can change. So now you’re wondering what kind of drugs was I checking for those hundreds of times. I know. Sounds weird, but it was just aspirin and Alleve. And once I smoked a joint. But I didn’t inhale.

Had I done that I would have seen that Percocet is not banned when used out of competition, but is banned in-competition.

And if Grandma had balls she’d be Grandpa.

Had I done that simple check, the same simple check I’ve done in pharmacies all over the world, I would have reached for another beer or two and I would not find myself here today.

You see, I’ve been in pharmacies all over the world. Haven’t you? When you travel you want to see the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, and French pharmacies. When you’re in Mexico you want to see pyramids in the Yucatan and pharmacies. And in China you’d be insane to see the Great Wall and miss out on the pharmacies. Anyway, it’s a simple check and I’ve done it in a zillion pharmacies, checking everything I ever buy there, and then I’ve checked my prescriptions hundreds of times. But I never checked whether a prescription narcotic might be banned. My bad! Sometimes I am a silly fellow!!! (Sad face!)

Nearly 24 hours later, after winning the Points Race at the USA Cycling Elite Track National Championships, I was notified that I had been selected for drug testing and reported to USADA to provide a sample.

WHO KNEW???

The sample I provided showed trace amounts of noroxycodone, the metabolite of oxycodone, which is the active ingredient in Percocet. As a result of that finding I was given a 16-month suspension from September 10th, 2015.

I didn’t cheat. I didn’t lie. I didn’t do anything wrong. I simply was suspended as the result of a finding, kind of like having to wear a cast as a result of falling off a ladder and breaking your arm. Shit happens, right? Nowhere did the suspension call me a doper or a cheater or a douchebag, by the way. So I got that going for me.

As I write those words, 16 months, even though I have spoken them out loud, it’s difficult to wrap my head around what they really mean.

Does it, like, mean sixteen calendar months? Or does it mean “hire an attorney and appeal because I wuz framed!”

It’s even more difficult to accept that meaning. As an elite athlete, I think it’s only natural to spend a lot of time thinking about how best to wind down your career.

And how to wind it “up,” heh heh.

I think its only natural to want to craft the storybook ending; the ending where you walk off the track after the biggest success of your career.

Story crafting, making stuff up, fairy tales, it’s only natural to want to make stuff up when you lie all the time. And with the right “stuff” you don’t even have to make it up. You can make it real. You picking up what I’m laying down?

Or maybe you want to return to your roots, to the place where it all began, and say goodbye one last time. I think it’s only natural to want to end it on your own terms.

Which is totally different from crafting a storybook ending, and more like returning to the womb. And ending it on your own terms means, well, how do I say this? Here’s how: “CAS.”

Now that I’ve lost the ability to write my own ending, I’m left to answer some very hard questions.

“Why did I cheat?” however, is not one of them. Neither is, “Why did I lie?” And of course I’ve never asked, “How can I possibly write any of this crap with a straight face?”

When I look back at my career, how do I feel about what I’ve done knowing that I may have raced my last race?

How do I feel about having lied and covered up and dodged questions and traveled the world’s pharmacies and taken prescription narcotics as sleeping medication? How? I’ll tell you how: CAS.

Can I walk away from the sport today and feel content with what I’ve done?

Especially when I haven’t done anything wrong? When I’m basically being victimized because unlike what I did at all the world’s pharmacies I accidentally on purpose took some narcotics? Can I be content with using oxycodone as a sleep aid?

Have I accomplished what I set out to do?

Can I get the suspension lifted? The market for forcibly retired drug cheat US trackies is not too hot these days.

Does the ending change the body of work?

Although most people associate “body of work” with literature, science, music, or other intellectual endeavors, isn’t bicycle racing like that? Aren’t races a “body of work” like Einstein, Beethoven, etc?

I like to think that I know the answer to some of these but I think the reality is somewhere between knowing and hoping.

In other words, I know I’ve been busted but I sure as fuck hope I can beat this rap in CAS.

At the end of the day, I made a mistake and that was wrong.

I didn’t cheat. I made a mistake, like when you put on mismatched socks or when you drop an egg on the kitchen floor. Now you’re probably wondering what is wrong about making a mistake, and I’d agree with you. Mistakes aren’t right or wrong, unlike cheating and lying and deceiving. Those things are wrong but I didn’t do those things except for where in that earlier message I admitted to all that outright lying. I just took some narcotics to go to sleep instead of doing what I do at all the other pharmacies I visit and what I did the hundreds of other times I had prescription drugs.

I know that as an athlete, I am accountable for everything that I ingest, regardless of the source.

This doesn’t mean I cheated or that I accept my sanction or that I will ‘fess up, sit the fuck down, and take my beating like a man. Rather, I mistaked. I accidented. And if I’d been at, say, the pharmacy in TJ that I like to hit when I’m in Cali, I would have checked. That’s what I’m guilty of: Not checking.

I live with my mistake and I accept full responsibility for it.

However, not “full responsibility” as in “I accept the sanctions.” That’s different. What I accept is the responsibility of not checking. And I think we’ve all not checked stuff before. So in a way we’re all the same. Plus, it’s hard to check stuff when you’re tired.

To my family, friends, coach, fans, sponsors, and the sport that I love: I am deeply sorry.

You may be wondering “Sorry for what?” since I haven’t spelled it out and to that I can only say I’m sorry for not doing what I do when I’m at the pharmacy in Beijing: checking. But since I didn’t cheat I’m not sorry for cheating.

I remain committed to the strict rules and ethics that govern track cycling and Olympic Sport and I support any and all anti-doping efforts that help better it.

For other people.

However, because I want to end my career on the track and not in a lawyer’s conference room, I will appeal this sanction to the Court of Arbitration for Sport.

What in the fuck do I have to lose?

Thank you for reading.

Suckers.

Bobby

END

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Armstrong: “Don’t be a dick.”

December 11, 2015 § 14 Comments

Somewhat bored retired pro cyclist Lance Armstrong sat down with CitSB today to follow up on an interview he gave with the Movember Men’s Health Podcast yesterday, in which he talked about the importance of treating people well.

CitSB: So you’ve had some time to think about your bad behavior, it sounds like?

LA: Yeah. And I’ve learned some lessons.

CitSB: Like what?

LA: First and foremost, you know, don’t be a dick.

CitSB: Would you care to elaborate?

LA: Sure. It’s a bad idea to treat people like pieces of stinking shit. You know, to abuse them, harass them, scream at them, attack them, belittle them, make fun of them, hold them in contempt, treat them like lesser life forms, physically frighten them, call them liars when they’re telling the truth, ostracize them, fire them, get them fired, sue them, force them to defend meritless litigation, strip them of their dignity, grind them into the dirt as if they’re worthless pieces of subhuman shit, humiliate them in public, libel them in print, spread lies about them to hundreds of millions of people through social media, impugn their character, ruin their lives, destroy their family peace and happiness, crush their sense of self worth, leave them feeling isolated and hated, expose them to ridicule, maliciously defame them with the intent to wreck the foundations of their existence, orchestrate campaigns to devastate them emotionally, retain legal professionals to castigate and intimidate them, corner them in bars and threaten them, hire PR mouthpieces to spread rumors, call them up and terrorize them, berate them, curse them, kick them when they’re down, and, you know, just kind of generally not be a nice guy.

CitSB: Wow, that’s pretty insightful. And what was it that made you realize all this?

LA: Gosh, I’m about to be bankrupted and at age 40-something it looks like I may have to, you know, work for a living. Get a job, that kind of thing.

CitSB: Whoa. I’ve heard that’s a bummer.

LA: Me, too. But I’ll endure. I’m a survivor.

CitSB: Any last words you’d like to leave us with?

LA: Yeah. Trump. Donald Trump.

CitSB: What about him?

LA: Not trying to tell him how to live his life, but you know, if you go around squat-shitting on enough people’s heads, eventually you’re gonna shit on a Betsy. And you know the big karma wheel grinds slowly …

CitSB: … but it grinds exceedingly fine.

LA: Exactly.

CitSB: Thanks for the interview.

LA: Don’t mention it. You hiring?

END

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You can’t say that, No. 5

December 9, 2015 § 8 Comments

Only problem is they don’t, and they’re not.

“If they [had] an equivalent [to EPO] tomorrow that is undetectable, everyone would be on it.” Lance Armstrong, on the current state of doping in the peloton. Cycling News, December 8, 2015.

**************

Imagine what he would have done to beat a field of, say, twenty.

Hickman, 49, won the 66-mile championship race out of a field of 10 riders in the 40+ age group. He has accepted a four-year ban for the doping offense. VeloNews, December 4, 2015.

**************

You mean they don’t just do it because they’re cheating douchebags?

“Simply looking away and not testing the athletes is the worst decision that a race director can make because it forces everyone to take drugs to try to level the playing field.” GFNY CEO Uli Fluhme, on why it’s important to drug test at gran fondos, Cycling Weekly, October 29, 2015.

END

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More boring robots, please

November 28, 2015 § 25 Comments

Claudio Chiapucci, the retired doper and Francesco Conconi protege, recently raged against the pro peloton, claiming that only Peter Sagan has character, and that the rest of the riders are “dull machines.” One of the peloton’s dull machines, Phil Gaimon, showed his dullness by penning a riposte  that displayed humor, humility, and a sharp fucking pen–but I guess having a brain doesn’t cut it for Claudio, who claims that the lack of exciting, dynamic, aggressive, attacking riders (i.e., Claudio) is a big reason why the public is no longer enamored with the sport.

This raises an important point, however: The public isn’t enamored with Pro Tour cycling because it is beyond boring to watch. It’s the only event where hours pass and nothing ever happens, at least nothing that anyone would care about who wasn’t in the race. The phrase “He’s taking a dig now” says it all. A dig. He’s taking one. Kind of like what that woman behind me in her SUV was taking out of her nostril when I checked my rear-view mirror.

And then of course there is the “thrilling” sprint finish. Well, it is thrilling … but only if you’re in it. How many times has this happened with your S/O as she’s staring bleary-eyed at the television at 6:30 AM?

“Okay, here comes the sprint!”

“Where?”

“There! All those guys bunched up! See? There’s the red kite! Patrick Brady’s nowhere near! Now they’re stringing it out! The lead-out trains are forming!!”

“The what?”

“The lead-out trains! There’s Team Pooky hitting the front!”

“Who?”

“Team Pooky in the orange-black-red-green-purple-hexagon kits with the brown stripe down the back and the lightning bolts! Their guy McDingleberry has the green jersey and he’s fighting for sprint points with Van der Anus, who is seven points down in the sprint classification!”

“Which one is that? They’re all clumped up. It looks like a big mess.”

“That’s because they’re sprinting! Oh my dog, look! Look! Here comes McDingleberry up the left-hand side!”

“Which one is he? Everyone’s on the left side. And why is everyone falling down?”

“Oh shit! Van der Anus has crashed and taken out half the peloton!”

“What is going on?”

“Seamus Uff wins it! Holy cow! Not Uff! Here, honey, let me replay that for you. Wow, that was the most exciting sprint ever. Oh, man.”

“Is it over?”

“Yes. I mean, no. There are still eighteen more stages.”

“Wake me up in August, okay?” S/O says as she staggers back to bed.

Maybe Claudio is right. Maybe what cycling really does need is more guys like him, guys with multiple doping positives, guys with no tactical brains, and guys who only made the big time under the tutelage of the godfather of EPO doping. Maybe dullards like Mark Cavendish, Fabian Cancellara, and Tom Boonen have killed the sport with their thrilling and tactical racing. Maybe we just need to get Tommy D. one more season back in the pro ranks.

But I don’t think so.

END

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In George’s words

November 2, 2015 § 27 Comments

Craig Hummer’s book, The Loyal Lieutenant, does a great job of revealing the character of George Hincapie. The book is filled with quotes by Lance Armstrong, Jonathan Vaughters, Frankie Andreu, Christian Vande Velde, Michael Barry, and Jim Ochowitz to name a few.

So what kind of guy was silent, loyal, smiling George?

“When we as a group made that decision to play ball, George and I, along with the others on the team, crossed over that threshold together.” Lance Armstrong, who wrote the Foreword to the book.

“I honestly felt I would never have to deal with my drug use.” George Hincapie.

“Milan-San Remo ended up being the final straw where [a number of us] decided we’d do it.” Lance Armstrong.

“I couldn’t compete on a level playing field without some assistance.” George Hincapie.

“I felt it was my only choice.” George Hincapie.

“I didn’t reach these decisions without careful consideration.” George Hincapie.

“I could tell from his tone and his protestations, that he’d already taken the infamous step, and that moment produced an epiphany for me. I had to do the same.” George Hincapie.

“Back then, those seemed like the only choices.” George Hincapie.

“I don’t have a choice. We have to do it to survive. Everybody’s doing it now. I don’t have a choice.” Frankie Andreu.

“I felt a little guilty.” George Hincapie.

“The thought of cheating never crossed my mind.” George Hincapie.

“I couldn’t make eye contact as I told them it wasn’t mine.” George Hincapie.

“I nervously asked for the drug.” George Hincapie.

“I exited the bathroom a changed man. I felt completely at peace.” George Hincapie.

“I also felt proud that I’d committed to the next level.” George Hincapie.

“I always tried to take the bare minimum.” George Hincapie.

“Where other teams had been good at simply cheating, we strived to be better at being professional in all aspects as required to win the Tour.” George Hincapie.

“I didn’t take any EPO that Tour because I started with a high hematocrit, or red blood cell count (my mother suffers from polycythemia vera).” George Hincapie.

“What also made Jonathan different, however, was that he was actively searching for new and better ways to dope.” George Hincapie.

“From a self-preservation standpoint, I felt it was important to know if there were any side effects.” Jonathan Vaughters.

“The biggest result of the 1999 Tour was that we started the gradual process of teaching a new generation of Americans about the sport, what it entailed, and what it took to make Lance the best.” George Hincapie.

END

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