Phone home

September 28, 2014 § 22 Comments

It had been an epic, bitter, full-gas NPR replete with unhappy blabberwankers, squealing baby seals looking for their freshly stripped pelts, fraudsters who cut the course and flipped it before the turnaround in order to catch the break, and the usual collection of complainers and whiners who missed the split, blaming their weakness on the “stoplight breakaway” and the usual complaint of non-racers who object to September beatdowns — “It’s the OFF SEASON!”

We swirled up to the Center of the Known Universe. Most ordered coffee. I leaned against the plate glass seated on the bricks, waiting for the throbbing in my legs to subside. Within minutes people were seated alongside with their phones out.

There wasn’t much conversation at first because everyone had to check email, then look at missed calls and figure out which excuse to use when they finally phoned in around ten. “I was in a meeting.” “There wasn’t any cell coverage.” “I was on the phone with a client.”

And of course Facebag had to be checked, texts had to be sent, and Strava had to be carefully reviewed. Some people kept their phones on their lap the entire time we congregated. One or two put them away. Almost everyone sporadically checked, interrupting conversations to gaze down at kudos and incoming dickpics.

Not me. I didn’t have my phone. It was sitting on the chest of drawers next to my bed. That’s where it stays nowadays when I ride.

I remember back when there were no cell phones. After a ride, or during a break, the Violet Crown guys would talk. Or smoke a big, fat joint. Usually both. Whatever the protocol, it always involved lots of gab. Sitting down after a ride meant rehashing the ride, inventing new rumors, or talking shit about a good friend who happened to be absent.

Compared to those conversations, the ones nowadays aren’t as much fun, and I think it’s because the flow of talk gets constantly broken up by constant cell phone monitoring. The fact is that no one has anything important to do on a cell phone in the morning. If they did, they wouldn’t be on a bike. And there’s something about conversation that, like a bike ride, requires a certain amount of warm-up. Then, once you’re warmed up, you sort of get going. It doesn’t work very well — like riding — when every few seconds or minutes the other person is checking his screen.

“But what do you do when you can’t get in touch with someone who you’re trying to meet for a ride?” is a common question. Back in the day we all knew where to meet, and if someone didn’t show up, you didn’t ride with him that day. It was pretty simple.

“But what do you do if you have an accident or your bike breaks or you have an emergency?” Back in the day we generally waited until someone called an ambulance, or we bled out, or we flagged down another rider for a tool or a tube. That was pretty simple, too.

“But what do you do if something happens at work or your wife needs you?” Back in the day we ignored that shit when we rode. It was one of the main reasons we cycled.

Since shedding my power meter, my Garmin, and now my iPhone, my riding is a lot more peaceful. More importantly, I’m about half a pound lighter on the bike. Now that matters.



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Gym workouts for road cyclist types

September 1, 2012 § 1 Comment

You’ve probably got lots of reasons not to go to the gym. I used to have just one: I hated it. After five weeks, though, it’s something I plan to continue at least for six. Maybe seven. Who knows?

One of the things I like about the gym is its convenience. Our apartment complex has two gyms. One of them is fully equipped with cute Asian chicks between the morning hours of 5:30 and 8:00. The other one has a full complement of cute white and Hispanic chicks in the evening, so it’s a very excellent pair of facilities.

The gym is also really easy to use as compared to cycling. Here’s what you have to do in order to ride your road bike:

  1. Check calendar to pick proper ride
  2. Air up tires
  3. Fill water bottle
  4. Turn on iPhone Strava app
  5. Wipe/lube chain (yeah, right)
  6. Put on ID neck chain for when you get run over
  7. Put on sunscreen
  8. Put on embro (Oct-Jun)
  9. Put on stretchy tight undershirt
  10. Make agonizing decision about which kit to wear
  11. Put on complicated biker outfit
  12. Put on complicated ratchety-thing shoes
  13. Adjust helmet
  14. Put on sunglasses
  15. Charge front/rear lights
  16. Attach lights
  17. Notify world via FB of impending ride heroics
  18. Charge video cam
  19. Attach video cam
  20. Put spare tire kit in jersey
  21. Put phone/money pouch in jersey
  22. Strip off complicated biker outfit in a sweating hurry because of Pre-Ride Rule #1: No matter how early you get up to patiently await your morning glory, it will only start tapping at the door when you’re fully suited up and ready to roll.
  23. Put complicated outfit back on
  24. Activate all lights, cameras & Garmins
  25. Check iPhone one last time to see who’s bailed at the last minute, forcing you to change your entire ride plan
  26. Reach meet-up point and hang around for half an hour waiting for people to show up
  27. [Post-ride]
  28. Upload and analyze Strava data
  29. Give kudos (don’t leave anyone out!)
  30. Upload and edit ride video
  31. Carry mountain of embro-stained clothing to the washroom
  32. Wipe down bike

For the gym, however, the prep list is different, and it looks like this:

  1. Put on gym shorts, t-shirt, socks, and gym shoes.
  2. Walk over to gym.
  3. Work out.

Proper gym etiquette for the newbie biker wanker

Like cycling, gyms have their own rules. At first everything looks strange and different, but that’s just superficial. Essentially, it’s no different from a group ride.

Every gym has its “ride boss.” This is some short dude with a short dude complex and muscles in places that you thought were the exclusive domain of important internal organs. Like his cycling equivalent, he’s a psychopath, and spends all his time in the gym. He sizes you up at a glance, and your size is “puny weakling.” But don’t worry! If you keep at it, work your tail off, show up early in the morning and after work, sweat like a dog and try to follow his example, after many long years you will one day move up to “less puny weakling than you used to be.”

The important thing to know about the ride boss is that you must know his name, but he will forget yours repeatedly. He will also, after a while, become so disgusted with your flailing that he will offer you a tip. STOP EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING AND COMMIT THE TIP TO MEMORY. If you follow it, it will be the first thing you’ve ever done right in a gym.

As you get to know the other regulars, it will feel more and more like a bike ride. For example:

  1. The weakest and flabbiest woman will repeatedly bench three times your heaviest single rep ever.
  2. The more you do it, the more you’ll realize how hopeless it is.
  3. Enthusiasm and full-on commitment will soon give way to some kind of lower back or knee injury.
  4. You’ll begin reading Muscle and Fitness.
  5. You’ll conclude that the reason everyone is stronger than you is because they’re doping.

Novice mistakes to avoid at all costs

After a few weeks, I’d kind of gotten my confidence up, and my tummy fat was starting to show the hint of a 1-and-a-half pack, and I swaggered into the gym ready to begin pumping iron. Two gym bunnies were spread out on the floor doing some kind of bunny yoga stretchy thing. Which was awesome.

They checked me out as I nodded coolly to them and grabbed the manly medicine ball to begin warming up. Then (and this tends to happen when I lift my hands above my head) I let out a very greasy and prolonged silent killer. Within seconds they’d caught my drift and moved all the way to the other side of the gym. A couple of presses later and I had the whole place to myself.

So that’s not cool. Please don’t do it.

The other huge novice mistake to avoid is the exercise ball fiasco. This is where you go online and watch a quick video of some cute chick or some muscly dude do Cat in the Hat type abdomen flexes using a giant circus ball. “I can do that,” you erroneously conclude.

So you hit the gym and, with other people present, you try out the old exercise ball balancing trick. If you’re lucky you just fall off the ball and ruin an ankle or a knee on the concrete. If you’re unlucky you kick the ball off to the side and scare the crap out of somebody. If you’re super unlucky you actually crack your forehead on the cement floor. I did that, and it hurts, especially when all the gym bunnies are watching you out of the corner of their eyes.

Stick to your plan

It’s easy to start working out at the gym, see some moderate improvement, and then completely forget why you’re there in the first place. This handy checklist will help you remember.

  1. Gigantic arms will not speed you up on the bike
  2. Just because Prez tore his knee ligaments doing lunges doesn’t mean you have to
  3. The guys in the gym will scorn you for your tweezlyness, but the bunnies will secretly die in envy for your narrow ass and skinny legs
  4. If you hear something tearing inside, followed by bloody urine, stop
  5. Grunting like Arnie when you’re benching 40 pounds embarrasses everyone
  6. The only time a six-pack helped a cyclist was after the race ended

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