Masters racer doesn’t test positive, issues apology

January 23, 2019 § 14 Comments

After announcing that a record number of masters cyclists were recognized for their doping achievements in the 2018 Vuelta a Miami, local SoCal crit racer Crumbs McIlhenny admitted that he had failed to fail a doping test, and issued a tearful apology to his family, friend, and fan.

“No idea how this happened,” said Crumbs behind a wall of damp tissues. “I have always doped just as hard as everyone else. Now this.”

Coming hard on the heels of SoCal’s most successful masters doping season, where doping hero Steve Strickler recently joined famed compatriots Rich “the Beaker” and “Tatty-Poo” LeoGrande, Crumbs’s dejection was abject. “I’ve demanded they test my B sample,” said Crumbs. “They gotta find something.”

When told that B-samples weren’t tested unless the A-sample revealed banned substances, Crumbs was inconsolable. “That is total bullshit!” he wailed. “I am taking this to CAS!”

After walking Crumbs back from the ledge of the open skyscraper window on which he was perched, his friend and fan tried to explain to him that CAS arbitration was only for those accused of cheating, which is a “bad” thing.

“Huh?” Crumbs said. “I failed to fail that test because the system is rigged. It’s because of my vanishing twin or some non-alcoholic whiskey I drank or an untainted steak I ate for breakfast that masked the drug cocktail that came with my Thorfinn-Sasquatch kit order. I mean, I have Joe Papp on speed dial. And now this?”

Masters cycling commentators were aghast at the non-positive A-sample. “This is killing our beloved sport,” said Htes Nosdvidad, retired masters racer and noted notary public. “People are simply not going to keep paying to race when the events are stacked with non-dopers. And for every non-doper who doesn’t get caught not cheating, there are fifty more who get a free pass. The whole thing stinks.”

Leaders of major SoCal racing squads were similarly hard-pressed to justify their continued commitment to the sport. Veteran Cat 5 masters racer Nivek Klas wasn’t at a loss for words. “Clean racing? What’s next? Not posting awesome sock and cleat photos on the ‘Bag? After devoting twenty-four months of my life and $25,000 of the club’s money to orange folding chairs, all it takes is one clean racer to ruin everything.”

Less than 24 hours after being outed as clean, Crumbs posted the following apology on his Facebook page, which has since been taken down:

I apologize sincerely to my family, friend, and fan for letting them down. They know I am better than this. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I made a mistake and knowingly raced clean. I took a risk and was just going there to support my team mates. I accept the punishment of USADA, condemning me to another season of racing, and to the judgment of my peers, who know that I really do have the desire to win at all costs even if I raced clean that one time. But I will come out of this a better man, a faster racer, and a more committed advocate for filthy sport.

Crumbs McIlhenny

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Wankmeister cycling clinic #31: 7 habits of successful masters racers

January 20, 2019 § 6 Comments

I came across this excellent bit of racing advice that every aspiring masters racer will do well to peruse, then peruse again. It contains many important secrets to help you achieve your silly delusions athletic goals.

However, there are seven OTHER habits of successful masters racers that are just as important as the ones cited in this article, perhaps more so. Wanky lays it out there for your benefit, ‘cuz no one else will.

  1. Drugs. Winners cheat, and cheatin’s the new black, so wear your cheat with pride, like a Kayle LeoGrande full body tat.
  2. Fashun. You can lose the race and still win the runway. In other words, if every day ain’t New Kit Day, you’re spending way too much money on junior’s college education.
  3. The ‘Bag. You can lose the race but you cain’t ever lose the #socmed throwdown. With the right camera angle you can make that 2-second pull you took going into turn four on the third lap look just as juicy as the dogs who were actually sprinting for the win, 45 minutes later.
  4. Stuff. You can lose the race, but you better not lose it with last year’s neutronium frame and nuclear fusion-powered drivetrain. Whatever drops in December better be bolted on and powered up when you pin on the number in January. Losing’s cool. Looking like a loser ain’t.
  5. Scusifying. No one loses who has a great excuse, and you’ll be rolling up to the line already blabbing about your season-ending case of gonorrheal gingivitis. “Just here to support the team with my doping violations,” a/k/a Strickie, yo.
  6. Micro-fields. Y’know how you’re a Cat 1 but haven’t entered a Cat 1 race since 1997? Don’t let higher math trick you into doing a race that matches your category. Instead, find the oldest races with the tiniest fields, get on the podie in a field of four, and turn that shit into ‘Bag-‘Gram gold. Wanky has done that hisself more times than he can count.
  7. Thassit. There ain’t no number seven. You lock up 1-6 and you have your masters career soiled. I mean nailed. Down.

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Tainted meat in Indy

January 7, 2019 § 11 Comments

By now everyone, especially Steven Strickler and Rich Meeker, has heard of Carl Grove, the 90-year-old Indiana track racer who tested positive for epitrenbolone, a metabolite of the banned steroid trenbolone, most commonly used in livestock to increase muscle mass and appetite.

Cycling in the South Bay sat down with Carl to talk about his record setting doping performance.

CitSB: This is quite a milestone. The oldest cyclist to ever test positive and get stripped of a title. How did you do it?

CG: It wasn’t easy.

CitSB: How so?

CG: No one gives a fat fart about 90-year-old track racers.

CitSB: Not sure it’s limited to 90-year-olds but continue.

CG: I mean we suffer just as much as the pros. We ride the same equipment. We train like beasts. You really think Daniel Holloway is a better bike racer than I am?

CitSB: Yes.

CG: Well of course he is, but I mean for my age I’m just as good if not better.

CitSB: Kind of like if grandma had balls she’d be grandpa?

CG: Yeah, I guess so. But anyway, I go out and win a national title in the individual pursuit, and do you think CyclingNews or VeloNews or the Times gives a shit?

CitSB: I’ll take a flyer on that one. No?

CG: Exactly. I sent out 15,000 press releases after I won the title. Hired an agent. Posted deets on all my friends’ FB pages. Not a single interview. Not even a response to my emails or text messages saying “No, thank you.” I sent copies to the White House, to my congressman, to my great-great-grandson’s kindergarten teacher, to the heirs of the sergeant I served under in WWI, fer fugg’s sake.

CitSB: Crickets?

CG: Hell yes, crickets. So I decided to get on everybody’s fuggin’ radar.

CitSB: With the positive doping test.

CG: Yes. And it worked, didn’t it? I’m now being personally interviewed by one of the most somewhat modest niche self-published online small circulation blogs devoted to cycling and masters doping.

CitSB: Right. Now, your critics are claiming that your motives were a bit dirtier, that you were doping in order to, you know, actually win.

CG: That’s ridiculous. I was the only guy in the race.

CitSB: But it’s a fact that you have a pretty good time. 38+kph for three minutes. Not a bad time at an age when most people have been dead for twenty years.

CG: Come on. I’m not so good that I’d have to dope to beat myself.

CitSB: And people point to your healthy teeth, full head of hair, the moistness and firm texture of your skin. Folks are saying you could easily pass for 85 or even 82.

CG: I’d never dope to beat me. Cheating is wrong.

CitSB: You tested positive.

CG: And USADA agreed that my meat was tainted. Just like Alberto’s.

CitSB: Come on, Carl. Admit it. You had to have the title. Only one other 90-year-old stood between you and delusions even bigger and more grotesque than Kevin Salk’s.

CG: Hey, fuck you, buddy.

CitSB: And so you did what bike racers have always done when they can’t get the job done with their own two legs. You doped to beat the competition. And the best part? You knew that the guy you beat would never rat you out.

CG: (Throws down mic.) This interview is a joke. Your blog is a joke. You are a joke. I’m outta here.

CitSB: Tune in next week for the next edition of “Ridiculously Narcissistic Old People Taking Drugs to Win Bicycle Races.”

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