May 11, 2013 § 27 Comments
It’s really simple: We have the best early morning weekday rides. San Diego doesn’t.
What is a “best” early morning weekday ride? It’s one that begins around 6:30 AM, has a huge regular turnout, and rips your legs off.
“Oh, no!” I can hear you wailing. “We have the awesome Tuesday-Thursday ride! It’s hilly and it shreds the field!”
First of all, our ride is better because yours doesn’t even have a cool name. That’s because you’re too dumb to think one up. All that supposed surfer-cyclist-artiste creativity in North County and the best you can do is two names of the week? Sad.
Second, our ride is better because your ride has such a tiny turnout. Five semi-fast guys showing up with a hangover and pulling out each others’ teeth with rusty pliers does not a legendary bike ride make. Maybe it’s the early hour and you wike your wittle warm bwankie. Maybe it’s the lack of a swollen pack of baby seals among which the weak can cower and hide ’til the moment of reckoning. Maybe it’s the fact that the vast majority of bicyclists in North County ride Trek. But most likely, it’s the fact that your riders just aren’t that good.
Third, our ride is better because we have Rahsaan Bahati, Suze Sonye, Greg “32” Leibert, Eric Anderson, and Cory Williams as regulars. Who do you have? That dude with the full purple bodysuit and the bad smell, that’s who.
Fourth, our ride is better simply because of the riders that you have and we don’t. Leaving aside for the moment that none of your guys have even halfway decent nicknames, let me list a few rotten limbs in the pile of deadwood that makes up your “ride”:
Stefanovich–Comes north to do our NPR, returns home a shell of his former self, which was a shell to begin with.
Crazy Legs–The name kind of says it all, eh? Along with him, “Sketch,” “Skitters,” “Twitch,” and “Jerky”…
Andy McClooney–The best rider to never come north and get his serving of NPR humble pie.
Celo Pacific Wheelsuckers–This is a club developed around the riding “strategy” of “do nothing until the end, then do even less.”
Los Ranchos Suckeros–Every yummy pie has filler, but these sandbaggers don’t even taste good when you chew them up and spit them out.
Velo (barely) Hangers-on–Close relatives of NPR baby seals who think “towards the front” is synonymous with “at the front.” It isn’t.
Swami’s B, C, and D Riders–It’s the alphabet soup of lowly categorized wankers. Their best ones make the first ejecta from the first acceleration on the Saturday ride. Their worst ones don’t even have bicycles.
Nytro trigeeks–They don’t always look and ride like idiots, but the 99.9% of the time when they do, they’re so far behind that no one knows or cares.
The Wolf Pack Up-and-Leavers–Last to the fight, first to the feast.
Fifth, our ride is better because we brag about it. If it weren’t for my amazing powers of investigative journalism, I wouldn’t even know your ride existed. If you don’t brag about it, it must not be any good.
Sixth, our ride is better because we have a cool FB page. Do you? Of course not. Without a cool FB page your ride can never be more than sucky. Sorry.
Seventh, our ride is waaaaay better because Robert Efthimos and Cory Williams video everything and then post cool movies of wankers like Jay “Manslaughter” LaPlante trying to murder his buddies. Then we get to spend the entire workday on FB chatting about it. What do you poor slobs do? You go to work and work, that’s what.
Eighth, our ride is better because we actively make fun of people who wear Oakley. SPY is how we roll, yo.
Ninth, our ride is better because we have that cute Asian chick who’s always jogging down the alley as we roll out. Who do you have? That furry dude who lives in the shopping cart behind the Starbucks.
Tenth, our ride is better because we have a ride kit. That’s right. Our ride is so pimpin’ that we have a kit with our cool ride’s name on it and lots of clever “in” jokes emblazoned on it by Joe Yule. Our ride is beautifully tanned Argentine leather. Yours is naugahyde.
Eleventh, we have Joe Yule. You have that dude who lives in his mom’s garage and builds web sites with Dreamweaver.
Twelfth, we have CotKU. You probably don’t even know what that is. Sad.
Finally, after our awesome ride, which is always awesome and so much better than yours, we get to sit around at CotKU, drink coffee, and watch Dave Perez do interesting things dressed up in purple and yellow. What do you have? A bunch of really serious MRI dudes dressed up in electric green baby dwarf artichoke outfits. Hint: You can’t be serious if you are a dude in a baby dwarf artichoke suit. A clown, perhaps, but not a serious dude.
The day of reckoning
Although I’ve already reached my conclusions, invented my facts, and printed my story, I thought I would at least do you the favor of coming down to the next Tuesday ride to confirm that your ride is a complete sham and pose fest. I have no doubt about what I’ll find: A handful of scraggly, half-shaved riders, tummies hanging out of their undersized stretch pants while they suck down a gallon of pre-ride sugar goop pretending that their “ride” is a ride.
Please also be advised that I will be showing up fully primed and prepared to teach each of you the meaning of the word “beatdown.” Although I don’t expect to break a sweat, you should expect to suffer a calamitous clubbing. This is what LA is all about: Schooling the noobs in the south about how to ride their bicycles. After that I will give the survivors a surfing lesson, beginning with “How not to purl every time” and then followed by a video showing you the difference between a rideable wave, a closeout, and whitewash. Not that it will help.
See you soon, and bring your moped. You’re gonna need it.
May 3, 2012 § 11 Comments
I got the following letter from Colin Baden, CEO of Oakley, and in the interest of fair and balanced journalism (a despicable concept), I have decided to share.
Dear Mr. Wankmeister:
The chief director of our marketing program, Jean-Luc Francois de Peeperville-aux-Faible, brought to my attention that you have been publishing what can only be described as one-sided, ludicrous, offensive calumnies in regard to my firm’s fine products. Moreover, you openly admit to having an incestuous relationship with one of our minor competitors in which you receive “swag” for favorable reviews. This is contemptible. However, I take this opportunity to challenge you, Mr. Wankmeister, to do two things. First, provide my firm with equal time so that we can explain to your reader what it is we do and our corporate philosophy. Second, provide us with some of the same publicity for our upcoming Cinco de Mayo Ride that you have provided to the Belgian Waffle Ride, an event promoted by the previously mentioned insignificant competitors about whom we are not even remotely concerned. I’ve attached a PDF of our ride’s flyer for your review. I look forward to speaking with you in person.
Colin Baden, CEO
So…what’s a Wankmeister gonna do with a missive like that? First of all, I’m posting the ride flyer. That’s it, to your left. Hope you’re getting all frothy at the chance to ride with a dork on a steel bike. Second, I’m posting the transcript of my interview with Mr. Baden. Enjoy.
Telephone: [Ring, Ring]
Oakley HQ: Bonjour!
WM: Uh, hello. May I speak with Mr. Baden?
Oakley HQ: Personne ici parle Anglais. Avec quien voudrais-vous parler?
WM: Huh? Does anyone here speak English? Mr. Baden, please.
Oakley: Joosst a meenoot, please.
CB: This is Colin.
WM: Yo, Colin. Wankmeister here. ‘Sup, dude?
CB: Oh, thanks for calling. I was hoping to get a chance to speak with you.
WM: I see you’ve got this Cinco de Mayo ride thing, hot on the heels of SPY’s Belgian Waffle Ride. I take it you’re a Mexican?
WM: Cinco de Mayo. It’s a Mexican national holiday. Celebrates the defeat of the French at the Battle of Puebla.
CB: Defeat of the French? That’s terrible! Everybody loves France! I’m an honorary French citizen! I thought it was a taco and beer festival. We’re trying to use this event, along with co-sponsor Rapha, to promote our vision of what we want cycling to become.
WM: What’s that, exactly?
CB: It’s a new concept. It’s called Bike Looking.
WM: Bike Looking?
CB: Sure. It started in France, out of a collaboration with Luigi Martini della Pottbelli, the Italian women’s underwear designer who came up with the Assos Zegho, and Nigel Cloddingham, the British ballerina who designs for Rapha. They realized that rather than all of this sweaty, nasty, unpleasant exercise that’s involved when you have to pedal the bicycle, wouldn’t it be better if we could just get people all in one place with really elegant, pretty, perfectly tailored bicycle clothing, and have them stand around admiring each other’s polished new bicycles while updating FB over cappucinos? Of course, with an idea like that, the first partner they thought of was Oakley. We were flattered to be a part of it. It’s our vision of what cycling should be.
WM: Uh, sounds really fucking stupid, I mean, interesting. So, tell me about the Cinco de Mayo ride. 42 miles around a bunch of fucking Irvine business parks? What self-respecting cyclist would do that shit?
CB: We wanted to do something that I could also participate in. Not some long, arduous, he-man type ride where everyone got sweaty and dirty and where you had to train for a year type thing. More something suited to, you know, the average person. Here at Oakley we’re all about average.
WM: I see that you’re providing beer by, uh, Tecate, whereas SPY’s BWR had local craft beer with a custom BWR batch and label. What’s the thinking behind Tecate?
CB: Glad you asked. Tecate is owned by Heineken, a multi-billion dollar global conglomerate that specializes in selling urine-flavored beverages on the strength of clever, large market, mass advertising. We like how they think. Do you drink your own urine, by any chance?
WM: Uh, not usually.
CB: You should try it some time. It’s sterile.
WM: Uh, yeah, sure. So, uh, moving along, dude. SPY’s CEO is a Cat 1 ‘cross racer, national caliber ex-marathoner, accomplished surfer, and world record holder of the Beer Mile. This seems to inform SPY’s approach to its product: active, polarizing, irreverent, walking the talk. Could you tell me a little bit about your cycling background?
CB: Ah, well, I, um, er…
WM: Which USCF category do you currently race?
WM: Never mind. I’ve noticed that at all of the local races here in SoCal, one of your big competitors, SPY, has a very visible and supportive presence. They sponsor teams, give out lots of free shit, put on epic events, have a rad van. It’s very grass roots. What is Oakley doing to counter this?
CB: SPY? SPY? Don’t make me laugh. Please. Let me put this in perspective. I’m very much into music. Are you?
WM: A little. Not much.
CB: Okay. Look at it like this. I like to tell people that Oakley is Barry Manilow. Platinum records. World famous. 800-lb gorilla with plastic surgery and a hairpiece. Sequins. Loved by chubby, middle-aged housewives everywhere. SPY is a garage band. Get it?
WM: You mean, like the Yardbirds?
WM: The Yardbirds. They used to be a garage band back in the 60’s.
CB: Exactly. How funny! What a funny name! The Yardbirds! Yes, exactly! SPY is the Yardbirds! We’re going to use that! Good one, Mr. Wankmeister!
WM: Moving along, dude. Is Oakley planning on doing anything on the local bike racing level in terms of sponsorship? Out on my rides, fucking everyone’s wearing SPY.
CB: No. We never give product or discounts to the local yokels.
WM: Why not?
CB: We believe that the way to sell our product is by making it inaccessible. So we sponsor the best racers in the world, knowing that the grubby guys and girls who are out there racing these criterions–that’s a kind of bike race–and the local roading races, mountaining races, stuff like that, those people will have to buy our product. I’m an architect by training. Build it and they will come.
WM: I see. Now, on the technology front. SPY apparently has some pretty exciting and innovative technologies. Can you tell me a little about Oakley’s R&D?
CB: Our what?
WM: R&D. Research and Development.
CB: Oh, that! Sure. Our researchers spend literally thousands of hours posing with different frame prototypes in order to find out which ones look the best at cafes and apres-ski. One of our newest frames, the SagSider, is assymetrically designed so that you can tilt your head onto the palm of your hand to get that silky, “Do me, doody” look without the frame looking whomperjawed up against your tilted head. We spent months at some of the finest milk bars in Europe to develop this look. It’s going to be a smash with our Bike Looking project launch. Rapha’s designed a special “Gentleman’s Kit” with a little bow-tie that goes with it, and you can switch out the flares on the bow-tie to match the interchangeable lenses.
WM: What about lens research? You know, improving the actual lenses to protect the eye, improve sport performance, provide better vision?
CB: I told you I’m an architect. And a pretty out of shape one, at that! Ha-ha! All this sitting makes my back hurt. Sorry. What were you saying?
WM: Nothing. So, any other plans to counter the SPY insurgency?
CB: Can I talk with you off the record?
WM: Fuck, dude, my middle name is “Discretion.”
CB: We’re working with a lady from Jamaica, Obeah Wanga de Igbo. She specializes in remote counter-marketing strategies.
CB: Yes. We provide her with a photo of the CEO of the competing firm, and she provides us with special phrases and tools to bring them to their knees. We start out with pushpins, then graduate to full scale, three-dimensional dolls and needles. I have to say, I think it’s working.
WM: Uh, yeah. Right. Well, good luck with that Cinco de Mayo Ride. I’m sure it will be a big success. And have a can of urine for me, okay?
CB: See you there?
WM: Um…you never know.