The end of independence

June 8, 2012 § 16 Comments

This blog represents my life’s work. Of all the things that make it stand out, none shines more brightly than my fierce journalistic independence. I hope it goes without saying that from the very beginning, when these essays began to make their mark on the cycling world, I have been bombarded with requests to advertise.

I’m not talking about ads for Donnie’s Spoke Nipple Fabricators, or for punk-ass dilettante basement beer brewers. I’m talking about the corporate names that made America famous. The big deals. The big wheels. After a lot of soul searching, I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and accept corporate money.

Before you go condemning me and accusing me of becoming a sellout, consider this: Without the substantial revenue provided by a major advertiser, there’s no way I can keep this shit up. It takes a fair amount of time and a huge amount of energy to keep blogging about you wankers. I’m all for charity and good works, but there’s a limit, especially when it comes to cycling riffraff.

Journalistic independence

There’s a long tradition of cycling bloggers who start off working in their bathroom and graduate to the scullery by virtue of advertising sales. My buddy Patrick Brady’s Red Kite Prayer comes to mind, a publication that is regularly voted by insane people as the best cycling blog on the internets.

Wankmeister is no different, except that he is better.

Rather than accepting advertising from any old cycling douchebag company that can cough up the fees on his admittedly steep rate card, Wankmeister has carefully reviewed the countless companies clamoring for his Good Housekeeping seal of approval and selected one company, and one alone, that represents the ideals, principles, maxims, high moral ground, proper behavior, and social responsibility epitomized by this blog.

Despite accepting money from this honorable and esteemed company, Wankmeister promises to his loyal reader that these opinions, viewpoints, research, investigation, and writing will never, ever, ever be colored by filthy lucre, not one tiny bit. Parts of the cycling news that is fit to print, and much of it that isn’t, will always be available here.

Let me introduce to you my new patron and sponsor…RuggedMAXXX

Before I give you the details about the world’s number one herbal male enhancement formula (check out if you can’t wait), I wanted to share with you the way that my relationship began with this huge and swollen global partner.

I’ve always had a really tiny penis. Before I got married, the one woman who saw me naked (I was water skiing and my drawers came unhitched) said to me, “You’re never going to get a girlfriend, let alone a wife. That thing you call a penis can’t be more than eleven inches long. Shrimp!”

From that day on I’ve suffered from the shame of diminished dangle dysfunction. Mrs. WM has repeatedly tried to reassure me that it’s okay to be small. “Don’t a you worry about little inchy thingy. You gotta good personality on Thursday.”

Like all male cyclists and especially Hair, I’ve tried everything to grow my root. I’ve tried implants, “Dr. Bill’s Amazing Penis Potion,” root extenders, and Brazilian wax jobs with little reflective aluminum pasties around the base to make the tree look taller. I’ve even tried to get Mrs. WM to wear special reverse distortion glasses like they use on car mirrors so that “objects may look larger than they feel.”

But nothing has worked. The implants got infected and the corrective surgery reduced me to a shriveled and virtually invisible nine-and-a-half inches. The penis potion had some hormone in it that got me banned for two years by USA Cycling. Life has been a living hell.

My road to a new tomorrow

So there I was, sorting through advertising requests from General Motors, Pillsbury, Amgen, and Coke, when this email caught my eye. I’M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP.

Dear  Wankmeister,

Mega Men Global introduces our all natural, 100% herbal supplement  Rugged Maxxx 2Rugged Maxxx has changed the lives of over 40,000+ customers in 2009, and being the confident, perfecitonist that we are, we hope to change the lives of triple those numbers in 2012. Customers have already started to rave on how much they love our Rugged Maxxx 2, but we still need your review to get our brand further out to the world. Would you be interested in reviewing Rugged Maxxx 2? I would be happy to send you a shipment. Please reply to this email with a name and address that you would like your discretely packaged shipment sent-to. Allow us to help you introduce fun, and excitement into the bedroom of a friend, family-member, or your own. Thank you for your time and opportunity.

We love to show-off our testimonials to the world, which we have done with out #rmstories on soundcloud, please email us your testimonials, separately, to Hope you enjoy.
Respectfully Submitted,
Mikel Mittal, Admin
B: (800)691-2551
C: (954)815-3349
“Go Hard, Go Natural, Go Rugged to the MAXXX”

The thing that most attracted me was their promise to ship it “discretely.” I suppose that’s opposed to shipping it “joined, combined, or attached.” I was also enthralled at getting to use a product make by a “perfecitonist.” It sounded so sexy, even though I wasn’t sure what it meant. Of course, I was a little worried about introducing fun excitement into the bedroom of a family member, since that’s illegal in the Lower 48 except Tennessee. But I’m a risk taker, so I went all in.

I ordered three cases of RuggedMAXXX2, and let me tell you the results were flat fucking incredible. After the first week my tiny little wiener went from a shrimpy 9.5″ to a barely visible 11″. After the second week it sprouted up to 14.82″, almost enough to register with my long suffering wife of 25 years. By the end of week three it sprouted to a whopping 72 inches long.

Do you know how big 72 inches is? It’s big enough to satisfy the largest animal to ever roam the earth, the now extinct Jeespotticus Rexasauruas, a 400-foot tall reptile whose orgasms were so huge that they eventually heated up the atmosphere and led to the extinction of the dinosaurs.

Anyway, I’m not going to say any more as it would embarrass my wife, who is now completely satisfied with her man, and with me, too. I owe it all to RuggedMAXXX2, and I’m urging you to give it a try, especially Prez, who should probably go on the 52-case, one-year program if you know what I mean.

Thanks for your support

I hope you’ll appreciate that even though I’m now accepting advertising, you can still expect the high quality, unbiased product reviews and incisive analysis you’ve come to expect from Wankmeister. And the next time your Ms. or Mr. Special politely suggests that you’d  be able to hammer longer and stronger with some extra rake in your fork, call up the good penis enhancement people at RuggedMAXXX, and tell ’em Wankmeister sent you. You’ll be glad you did.

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